Checking-In on Each Other

I come from a relatively small family in terms of aunts/uncles/cousins, so the 5 of us on my dad’s side have a little group text chat that we use from time to time.  Yesterday morning across that group came a text simply asking “How’s everyone making it?”  We shared back and forth what our individual families and job situations were experiencing.  We tried to use a little humor to lighten the stresses that some of us are facing, and we shared our individual “silver linings” that we have seen.  But more than anything that conversation brightened my day, because some one had checked in on me.  It isn’t the first “check-in” like that I have experienced over the last few weeks.  I have heard from several dear friends or family members just asking how we are holding up and sharing what their families are experiencing.  Those check-in conversations are usually the highlight of my day.

(a) currently spends a big part of his day checking-in on what (b) is up to

If anyone tells you they are doing “GREAT!” right now, ask again, they are probably lying.  While I know some individuals and families have been hit much harder than others, I think everyone in America has felt some kind of effect from our current situation.  Some are out of work with unbelievable financial fears, others are working more than ever and are completely exhausted, some are missing their family and friends so badly that it is affecting their mental/emotional health.  There are families trying to juggle “homeschool/e-learning” while still working an 8 hour day and others juggling it while they try to be productive working from home.  Some may be truly enjoying the extra time with their families, and know that they are blessed, but desperately need a few minutes of adult conversation or a quiet place to have a good cry without someone constantly touching you, screaming your name, or begging for their 47^th helping of lunch. 

This has brought change for all of us, uncertainty looms in the air and on the news, routines are different, how we socialize is different, but some things don’t have to change… we don’t have to change caring about each other.  Just because we are practicing social distancing doesn’t mean we have to practice emotional distancing… check-in on each other.  A phone call, a text, a card, a video chat, a Zoom get-together… check-in on each other.  You might need some humor or you might need to cry… check-in on each other.  You might want to try a new recipe, share a meme, or ask for e-learning math help… check-in on each other. 

While most of us can’t be together physically, we can be together emotionally.  Social distancing does not have to mean emotional distancing.  You still have the power to give hope, to lighten the burden, to pray for one another, and to show you care… check-in on each other.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur on another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:23-25  ***I think in light of the times, the author of Hebrews would give concession for “meeting together” to include virtual get-togethers, phone calls, group texts, and good ole’ snail mail 😉

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

I had a great idea today of doing a little Easter photo shoot with my kiddos… the lighting was perfect, the flowers in the yard made a great backdrop, I had Easter props, and we even had reasonably coordinated outfits considering I can’t get out and shop, it seemed like everything was in great shape- except for my photo subjects.  They were not real interested in cooperation.  One was tired and grumpy, the other did not want to be out of my arms.  The day was warming up quickly, and (a) was complaining that he was just hot.  I begged, I bribed, I pleaded… and then I also began to get the terrible smell of a pile of fresh dog… well you get the picture.  So, after 46 shots I managed to get a FEW cute pictures of them individually- there are no “good” ones of the two of them together and most of them look disastrously like two sad, grumpy boys.  And I mean so disastrous that my husband couldn’t stop laughing when I showed them to him (have I mentioned that he is still working and not home 24/7 with our tiny humans… our sense of humor does not always seem to align). 

Now, when I post their Easter pictures on social media this weekend, the messy ones won’t be the ones you see.  Not that I’m trying to be an InstaPinFace perfect mom, I just can’t shake the mentality I was raised with that you put your best foot forward… and I’m all about my personal social media being positive and upbeat.  Because of that, there will be followers who will make sweet comments about how cute the boys are, or what a lovely family we have, or other pleasantries such as this- and I do sincerely appreciate the sweetness, and I do cherish my family.  But when you see the few successful pictures, giggle to yourself if you have read this, and please remember that things aren’t always what they seem.  To get those few pictures there were tears, bribes, some editing (thank you iPhone for the “live” photo option!), and a pile of dog poop involved- things aren’t always what they seem.   

In preparation for this Holy Week, my Sunday School class of ladies has been reading through a book by one of my favorite Christian authors for the last 8 weeks.  The book has taken a look at the women in the Easter account and the relationship they had built with their Lord, Jesus, leading up to his crucifixion and resurrection.  One of the many things that stuck out to me in this study was just how differently many of the followers thought this story was going to unfold.  Right up to Jesus arrest, still so many of them thought he had come to be a military leader- to overthrow the Roman government.  On that dark Friday they were feeling so much brokenness and defeat.  Not only were they mourning the loss of their friend, they were fearful and confused… this was not at all how they thought things were supposed to happen.  Jesus was dead, the disciples had scattered into hiding, the religious establishment seemed to have won, and a feeling of hopelessness had set in… but thank you, Jesus, that things aren’t always what they seem. 

This Resurrection Sunday we will celebrate as never before… without the gatherings of friends and family, without many of the usual shared festivities, without the packed church buildings, and without all the usual pre-planned frocks.  I know there are lots of people disappointed by this, and I will admit there are two adults living in my house who have had some of those feelings.  But just maybe, things aren’t always what they seem.  Because our services are streamed online, I believe we will be celebrating with even more people than just those who would be in our typical building.  Because we miss them, we are more likely to cherish our virtual visits with family and friends that day.  Without all the gatherings and events to distract us, we may just focus more than ever on the true joy of the empty tomb.  Maybe, just maybe, instead of this being the hardest and least anticipated Easter ever- this will be the most celebrated Resurrection Sunday we have ever experienced.  Thank you, Jesus, that things aren’t always what they seem!

“Dear woman, why are you crying?” they asked. Mary answered, “They have taken away my Lord, I and I don’t know where they’ve laid him.” Then she turned around to leave, and there was Jesus standing in front of her, but she didn’t realize that it was him! He said to her, “Dear woman, wy are you crying? Who are you looking for?” Mary answered, thinking he was only the gardener, “Sir, if you have taken his body somewhere else, tell me, and I will go and…” “Mary,” Jesus interrupted her.  Turning to face him, she said, “Rabboni!” (Aramaic for “my teacher”) John 20:13-16 (TPT)

Normal

Normal… it’s such a relative term.  My “normal” day might not look like yours, my “normal” diet could be different.  My “normal” wardrobe looks different from my sister’s, and my “normal” sleep pattern is different from my husband’s.  In light of the all the unknowns happening in our world right now, it seems like “normal” is a word that is being thrown around a lot- in particular the phrase “when things get back to normal.” 

Our 4-year-old cowboy is well aware that things are kind of strange right now.  He really misses his family, friends, and going to his favorite places, BUT it hasn’t phased his attitude or outlook.  In fact, he thinks many things are still perfectly normal.  He loves being home with (b) and me all day ((A) is still working from his office most of the time), he is still dressing like a cowboy each day, playing outside every chance he gets, eating like there is no tomorrow, making art projects, and using that vivid imagination.  While the schedule for these things is completely out of our regular routine, he thinks it is very “normal”… and for me that is so refreshing.  While the world around me spins full of uncertainties and concerns, being a kid and being a part of our family just seems “normal” to him. 

Just his normal outfit...

Doing his "normal" thing...

Enjoying his "normal" smiley face...

It has made me start to wonder if parts of this craziness should become our new “normal.”  Things such as the more frequent dinners with all of us home, the number of cards I have sent to people “just because,” the creativity of cleaning out the pantry before I absolutely have to make a grocery run, being very careful not to waste things, praying fervently for the healthy and safety of the people I love, consciously thinking first of how I could support small local businesses before a chain retailer, calling people instead of simply sending a text, turning off the TV so we can read and craft and play, and I should probably even make it my “normal” to wipe down that grocery cart handle with the sanitizing wipes at the door. 

I realize work schedules and other important, worthwhile obligations make these things hard- but it does make me consider the intention with which I live.  This year the word I have been focusing on is PURPOSE. And while we have been home for so many days in a row, I have really been thinking more about the purpose for many of my “normal” actions.  Is there a purpose for turning the TV on this morning? If not, leave it off (or my personal favorite… turn it to one of the channels that just plays music, no picture, that lends itself to lots of fun dance parties as we eat and play and work around the house!)  Is there a purpose for the action I’m taking? If not, maybe I could put my time to better use.  Note, there is major purpose in simply sitting and snuggling those sweet boys or watching them play, there is NOT always purpose in picking up my phone. 

Trust me when I say that we do NOT have all this quarantine thing figured out… my house is messier than when I am working, the kiddos are doing a lot of crying some days, I still have a huge list of projects to tackle, I’m still having emotional come-aparts almost daily, but I will admit this… when life goes back to “normal” there are going to be parts of this thing that I am really going to miss.  And there are things I am doing that I hope will become my “normal.”

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” Psalm 90:2

When the Son Shines

The “staycation” we are currently experiencing has brought with it many memorable moments.  My four-year-old cowboy is pretty confused as to why I’m home from school but it isn’t summer.  He also does not understand why we can’t go to his favorite places, see people he misses, or eat out in restaurants.  All of this has brought some pretty memorable quotes with it…

In reference to the Governor’s stay home order, in frustration he announced “Let’s just break the law!”

A family member mentioned wondering when she would see him again, and he responded “Well, we are having sick days over here.”

He forgot something and told me “I’m over here acting like I’ve lost my mind!”

I feel like he is possibly getting a little stir crazy.  I have tried VERY hard to keep it fun for him.  We have done a lot of art, tried to have snuggly movie time, had HOURS of imaginative play, made fun cookies, read tons of stories, I’ve taken meal requests, and we have had numerous dance parties.  But what we haven’t had much of… is outside play time.  Unfortunately, the weather has been pretty cold and often rainy for nearly the entire time we have been home “socially distanced.”  One of the memorable “Coronacation” quotes happened on a super drizzly afternoon last week when (a) asked, “Mom, why is it raining today?”  I, of course, had no good answer for him, so I responded with “I guess God just thinks it’s what we need today!” To which he quickly fired back, “Well, when is he gonna decide we need a sunny day?!”  If I was being honest with myself, I had been asking our Heavenly Father the same question. 

But on day… well I’m not sure, I’ve lost count… after a very foggy morning, the sun finally shined!! And oh, what a difference that made!  Sunshine meant playing outside, hunting for bugs and worms, digging in the mud with sticks, dragging around his red wagon, helping me clean the winter yuck from the flowerbeds, driving his Gator, writing with sidewalk chalk, soaking up the warmth of that beautiful vitamin D, playing with his dogs, splashing in leftover mud puddles, telling baby (b) all about the spring things he was seeing, wearing sunglasses, and a HUGE smile.  There was something SO wonderful and joyful about seeing that sunshine and experiencing all the outside had to offer.  We played outside for hours, and after dinner quickly collapsed in peaceful exhaustion after taking in so much fun.  Everything changed when the sunshine appeared.

No worries, I didn't actually let him drive with the baby by his side! He just let little brother sit there and check things out ;-)

As I took it all in, I couldn’t help but think of how things can change when we allow “SONshine” into our lives.  When the Son shines in, the way we see the world is so much brighter, we feel hope and clarity where things were once cloudy, we have a warmth in our heart, and a purpose with our attitude.  Everything changes when the Son shines. 

In the midst of all the uncertainty, I will admit I have struggled.  I have struggled with “teacher guilt” as I think about all that still needed to be accomplished in my classroom.  I have struggled with loneliness as I am extremely extroverted.  I have struggled with worry as I watch our economy and hear of more people every day who have lost a job or are taking a huge financial hit due to the closings.  As I have struggled with these and many other emotions, I have tried so hard to focus on enjoying this unexpected time with my boys.  I can’t change any of the things I am struggling with, so I have got to change the lens I am looking through.  I could look at the clouds and the “rain” in all of it, or I could keep watching for the Sonshine.  Our state may call them “Act of God” days, but I am trying to think of them as “Gift of God” days… especially when the Son shines. 

“From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” Psalms 113:3

What I Can Control

To say we are living in uncertain times is certainly stating the obvious.  It seems there is a new shut down of some sort with every passing hour.  For a girl who really likes control, it is very hard to watch so much of my life changing around me without anything I can do about it.  I can’t control what is or isn’t going to happen with the rest of our school year, I can’t control the events I was looking forward to that are now cancelled.  I can’t control the lack of inventory at the grocery store or what is or isn’t going to happen to our economy when this is over.  I can’t even control the number of these dumb orange beetles that CONTINUE to accost my house (is there EVER a season that finally kills off those crazy things??)

So while I can’t control the world around (I really never could), I’m choosing to focus on what I can control…

I can control the amount of screen time we spend.  Both for myself and my boys… too much time watching the news and social media feed will breed anxiety, too many movies will kill our creative play time. So we are working very hard for a healthy balance of books (for me and them!), play time, crafting, dance parties and a movie or cartoons here or there.

They really are enjoying some play time together! <3

I can control the perspective we look through. I would be so easy to focus on all the things we are missing out on and all the things that have been cancelled.  Instead, I am trying to focus on what we have gained… I’m getting time with the boys that I would not usually have this time of year.  I’m getting some rest that my body was desperately crying out for.  I’m accomplishing some tasks that were LOONG overdue (such as the Christmas tree in the basement living room that FINALLY came down yesterday after being up for four months).

I can control my body’s response to stress.  While I am tempted to want to bake cookies and spend all day eating ice cream to cope, instead I’m choosing to watch what I put into my body, and using some new found time for a little extra at-home exercise. (Besides, we eat a ton of eggs and I can’t afford to ration any of them for baking junk food!)

I can control how we still reach out to love on people.  We may not be able to see many people in person right now, but that does not stop posting pictures or video, dropping the results of our craft time in the mail, texting friends to check in with them, reading aloud to my students over social media each night, or attempting to call people we love (that is a little tricky as (a) often doesn’t want to talk on the phone and (b) just wants to touch the buttons resulting in hanging up on people).

The Cowboy has already made several requests to take silly selfies.

Most importantly, I can control who I lean on.  While I am not in control of the world around me, thankfully I know the one who is.  I know He is faithful, I know He works all things for the good of those who love Him, I know He loves us and has all the uncertain in the palm of his hand. 

“What I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:18-19

Deciding How I React

While the world all around us is cancelling gatherings at an unprecedented rate due to germs, my family went to the farm store tonight where (a) accidentally dropped his bag of popcorn… in the baby chicken aisle.  Before we could stop him, he grabbed a handful of the popcorn off the floor and stuffed it in his mouth.  Now I don’t consider myself germophobic, but I was pretty horrified at this move I considered super gross.  He, however, has no fear of germs and would never dream of wasting his beloved “farm store” popcorn.

He is fearless about germs, AND fashion...

It really got me thinking about all the things I have been seeing in the news over the past few days.  I have truthfully been a little shocked at the growing number of cancellations and closings of public gatherings.  Now, I am the first one to admit that I have ZERO background in public health or immunology, so I honestly have no idea if it is a very smart move or a ridiculous amount of panic.  And it really isn’t for me to decide.  But I do know this, I can decide how I let myself handle this emotionally.  I can decide whether or not I live in a state of fear.

There is a difference in being prepared or prudent and being fearful.  Prepared says I make smart decisions relating to my health and the health of others, fear says I should over analyze every statistic and read every media article I can find.  Prepared says I am washing my hands frequently (as I always do in the petri dish that is a classroom), while fear says you should be spraying your children down with disinfectant. 

The thing is, before this viral outbreak, and long after it is over, there will always be things where we can choose to act in fear or choose to live in faith.  We live in a broken and imperfect world, there will always be risks associated with living.  While I am not one to take unnecessary risks, I also believe that God does not call us to let fear rule in our hearts.  There is an importance in making wise choices, but we cannot allow a life of fear to paralyze us.  For instance, I am very careful to always strap my boys into their car seats appropriately, but the fear of them being hurt in a car accident does not keep us from driving from place to place.  I do not let them leave my sight in public and I try to be aware of my surroundings, but the fear of them being kidnapped does not keep us from going to the grocery store. 

I want to exercise wise decision making, but I do not want to let fear take over.  If we always chose to listen to fear, we would rarely step out in faith to something God is calling us to do. 

So while I am going to continue washing my hands frequently and sanitizing desks, I am not going to allow myself to be paralyzed by all the possibilities that exist… though “the cowboy” and I ARE going to have some more talks about the germs that might be found on the floor of the chicken aisle in “the farm store.”

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalms 34: 4

Hitting Restart

I was having problems with my computer recently.  Things weren’t working like I needed them to, there was a lag, and when I clicked on any internet tab I couldn’t even get my mouse to move. I was so frustrated.  I tried a ton of things, but finally I decided to just shut it down and restart.  “Amazingly” that worked wonders, and everything began functioning smoothly again.  I say amazingly, but really that should have been on surprise to me.  When I thought about it, it had been several days, weeks even maybe since I had actually closed out of my all programs and files and done a restart.  Truthfully, I just hadn’t taken the time.  I usually just close my computer up when I am done with it and let it go into “sleep mode.”  It was well overdue for a restart.

Last Thursday had been “one of those days.”  You know the kind I’m talking about.  I felt like I was burning the candle at both ends while chasing my tail at the same time.  I came home from work late and exhausted only to realize I needed to be back out the door in about 30 minutes for worship practice at church.  I quickly threw together some supper for the rest of my family, decided I would just skip dinner that night, nursed the baby, and grabbed my car keys to head out the door.  Before pulling out of the driveway, I hit start on the playlist for our worship set thinking I would run through a song or two one more time before practice.  The first song in the set was “Your Grace is Enough.”  In just a few seconds I found myself lost in the words and as I sang along loudly in the car the most freeing feeling washed over me.  For all my chaos and stress, it really was true… His grace is enough.  By the time I reached church for practice I felt like a new person.  Turning up some loud praise music and letting it fill my heart had been an amazing restart for my evening, and even the next day too as each time I felt myself tense up, I just let the words play through my mind “Your grace is enough for me.”  Restart.

Tonight, I came home having had another one of “those days.”  I really try not to have too many of those in a row… but state testing season is breathing down my neck, we have important consultants in at the school tomorrow, student sickness has makeup work piling in on me, and we have reached the point in the year where it feels like 3 steps forward and 2 step back in curriculum.  I ran to the store after leaving school to grab diapers and thought I would pick up a couple quick things to make dinner.  Which cued the major guilt that I hadn’t even cooked for my family in several days, actually more like a couple weeks (unless you count throwing pizza rolls in the oven… but I don’t).  I am a girl who loves to cook- it brings me joy.  So I grabbed a couple extra things with the plan of throwing some burgers on the grill this beautiful evening.  As I carried the groceries in, (a) came running from the barn, full speed in his mud boots to give me the best hug.  He told me immediately about the “bad news” from his day (getting in time-out for being too loud and pulling up his shirt to show his belly… loud doesn’t surprise me from that kid, for the belly- my constant reminder “don’t be weird!”)  He then followed it with, “I have good news too! We had pizza for lunch!”  That hug and laughter were the perfect start to the evening.  I told him I had hamburgers and hotdogs for dinner to which he cheered, hugged me again, and announced “I love you mama!”  With each hug I could feel the tension leaving my body.  Restart.

After dinner (b) and I played on the floor before I curled up on the couch with both of them for some snuggles and a movie while (A) sat in his recliner next to us.  Amid the exhaustion, I felt the stress melt away.  I was in my safe space enjoying my family.  Restart. 

Is there anything better to ease stress than baby giggles??!!

The rat race doesn’t go away, the stress will still be waiting for me in the morning as I tackle the new day.  But, hitting restart is such a better way to move forward.  I have more energy, I have more patience, I feel more organized, and like my computer- I simply function better if I hit restart.  I need to take the time to do it more often.

“The Lord replied, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.’” Exodus 33:14

Letting them be Light

Well it happened… that moment you dread as a parent but has happened to most of us.  My son opened his mouth and out came a word that he did NOT hear in our home, a word that he did NOT hear on our TV, and a word that made both of his parents’ heads snap in immediate shock.  I realize from talking to other parents that at some point, it happens to almost everyone.  They are little sponges who soak up everything they hear, even from passers by in the Stuff*Mart parking lot. 

I quickly jumped all over him both scolding and explaining that there was NOTHING appropriate about that word and I never wanted to hear it out of his mouth again.  I also asked where on Earth he had heard such a word, when he dropped his eyes and told me that another child says it at daycare.  Ooooh boy.  As a teacher, I firmly believe in confidentiality, and protecting the identity of and information about students, but four-year-olds don’t understand that… and they are quick to tell you other students by name and what they did wrong.  I have heard this name several times over the last few months- usually associated by telling us about some wrongdoing.  More recently however, (a) has been asking if this child could come over to play and telling us he “wants to come to my house.”  My usual response is just that we only invite friends over if we know their parents.  This week (a) had a heartbreaking comeback for me when he went on to tell me (in his little boy version of course) that I couldn’t talk to his parents because this child lived with his grandparents due to other sad homelife details the child had shared with him.  Now I realize that children are often unaware of all the truth in a situation, and they are often so innocent that they don’t know what details they “aren’t supposed to share” with other children, but the things my little guy told me about his friend made my heart hurt.  I had been so upset at this little boy for teaching my son a bad word, when in reality there are tough things happening in that child’s life that I don’t know the details of, but I’m sure they are things he should not have to be navigating at such a young age.

After the bad word incident, I spoke with (a)’s daycare teacher.  I told her that I did not want to discuss children by names or private details, but I was very concerned that he had heard this word.  She assured me that they were working very hard to help correct the other student’s behavior and that they are trying to teach and correct while protecting the other children from learning inappropriate things, but yes unfortunately (a) had heard the other child use this word.  She then said something that stuck with me most of all… one day last week when something happened, she encouraged (a) to help show this other student the RIGHT thing to do.  She said, “I told him that he knows right from wrong, he comes from a great homelife, and he could be a friend to the other child by showing him how we should act and talk to others.” 

This pierced my heart.  I had been so upset with this other child and so frustrated at how it was affecting my own son that I could not see past “me, me, me.”  How MY child had heard a bad word, how MY child had repeated it, how MY child might be hearing homelife details that were messy.  Yet out of my same mouth (A) and I often talk about how desperately we want to raise boys that are salt and light.  We want our children to have opportunities to point others to Jesus.  We talk about how real ministry is messy, how evangelism doesn’t happen in sterile environments, and yet I was appalled that my child had seen some “messy” in another kid.  I left that conversation with the daycare teacher wiping tears from my eyes and I got in the car and called (A).  The first thing I told him was that I was done being mad at (the name (a) keeps telling us), and I was adamant that we are going to begin praying for him.  We don’t know his details, but (a) has told us enough that I know he needs our prayers.  And he needs a friend like (a).  A friend who can show him the love of Jesus.  

Don’t get me wrong, we will continue to be vigilant in guarding the hearts and minds of our boys.  We will continue to correct behaviors and discuss right from wrong and why choosing the “right” pleases God.  We will continue to closely monitor the things they are allowed to hear and see and are influenced by.  But we are also going to keep praying that they can be the salt of the Earth and shine the light of the world.  That God will use their little hearts and personalities to shine for Him into the lives of others they may encounter- whether they are 4 or 104.  I will get over myself and how I saw the “messy” affecting me, and start seeing it as an opportunity to pray for God’s intervention in those messy places… and just maybe He will use my little boy to do it.

“You are the salt of the earth.  But if they salt loses its saltiness, who can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.  You are the light of the world.  A city built on a hill cannot be hidden.  In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven.” Matthew 5: 13,14,16

He is so great at teaching and nurturing his brother, why wouldn't I allow him to do the same for others.

I Want to be a Mary Mom in my Martha Life

Last week was one of those particularly crazy weeks.  There were Valentine treats to get ready for the kids and teachers at daycare, there was a birthday party to attend, different situations at school were making it hard to leave and head home before 5:00, my students were begging me to come watch one of their basketball games, my hubby was sweet enough to get us dinner reservations for a date night, and then there was all the “usual” pile of papers to be graded, meals to be made, and household tasks to attend to.  One evening in particular I was exhausted but working my tail off to get dinner made while simultaneously making and packaging baby food, checking (a)’s backpack, repacking (b)’s diaper bag, and washing bottles for daycare and my “pumping station”… when I looked across from the kitchen into the living room.  There sat (A) in the recliner with both boys in his lap and there was a LOT of giggling going on.  And it in that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks… we were Mary and Martha.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was not at all upset with him.  I’m so thrilled my boys have an awesome dad who is extremely “hands on” when it comes to parenting and he is a huge help around the house as well, but I can’t lie… I was so jealous.  There he sat playing and having fun with the boys while I was working to have everything ready for them. 

I really have no answers for how to be “Mary” mom in a “Martha” life, because the reality is my family still has to be fed, bags still have to be packed and prepared for the next day, we want them to be social, friendly kids who attend functions and interact with their peers, but there are so many days I wish there was “more of me” to be able to sit and snuggle. 

On Monday, both (A) and I were off work in observance of Presidents’ Day and I had quite a lot on my “to do” list.  I was really hoping to make the most of the day.  But after breakfast, (a) asked if we could go downstairs and play.  I didn’t even think twice to say “sure!”  And before I knew it… it was 6:00 pm, I had not accomplished a single thing on my “to do” list, but we had spent the entire day playing, snuggling, and napping together.  And I really felt like I HAD made the most of the day.  (A) had to go to church for a meeting that evening after dinner, and when he returned I was in the chair rocking the baby.  The supper dishes were still on the table and no one was packed for the start of the daycare week.  I laughed as I commented that the basement Christmas tree would just wait for another day (YES, my basement family room tree is still up… getting it down had been the highest item on the Monday “to do” list), but I truthfully didn’t mind, the snuggles were better.  

My Monday nap time lap full of cuddles

I still have no answers, and I’m still exhausted from trying to get it all done.  I have no tips, or tricks, or wisdom to share, but it is my fervent prayer that I will have more opportunities to be a “Mary” mama in my “Martha” life.

“Martha, Martha” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41-42

What Love Now Looks Like

In going through photos from my grandma’s estate a few weeks ago, my sister passed me a picture.  It was a picture of (A) and me at Grandma’s house for Christmas during winter break our sophomore year of college.  That was just over 17 years ago, and I will admit, when she first handed me the picture it truthfully took me a few seconds to even realize who I was looking at.  I looked so much younger, and my husband didn’t have any facial hair (I honestly think that trip home may have been the last time I saw him without his goatee!) We got quite a laugh out of both the picture and my moments of not even recognizing us. 

Something about finding the picture however, really stuck with me.  It made me think so much about how love changes over the years.  Back then we only saw each other every 4-6 weeks, but got to have two phone conversations a week- I did have free cell phone minutes on the weekends, so we talked for a while on Sunday evenings after he got home from church.  Then we took turns paying to keep minutes on a calling card for our Wednesday evening phone call.  The Wednesday call was also a bit more complicated because he had night classes and didn’t get home until late, but my roommate went to bed early… so I would have to sit in my closet with the door closed to keep the land line working but not keep my roommate awake.  I so fondly remember those conversations where we shared everything that was happening in our week, the challenges of school, what was happening at church, and making plans and dreams for our future.  That looks so different now as we are lucky to get in 10 minutes of adult conversation within an evening.  The thing is, we don’t love each other any less, it is actually quite the opposite, however it looks a whole lot different now days….

With that being said, I would like to share with you an excerpt from my thought two years ago… because I still can’t say it any better.  (Only now there are TWO littles and man oh man I REALLY miss having time to run!!!)

What “love” looks like in my life these days…

Love is walking into the kitchen and realizing someone else did the dishes already.

Love sacrifices a Sunday afternoon nap so I can have one.

Love says “I want to hold Mama.” (Sweetest toddler phrase ever!!)

Sometimes love doesn’t say anything, it just holds you while you cry.

Love gives big squeezy hugs then giggles and says “tickle, tickle, tickle!”

I’ve watched love put aside its own feelings to do whatever it takes to take care of his family.

Love says “If you need me to dispose of a body I know where every sinkhole is on this place!” (No worries!! We haven’t done and wouldn’t do anything THAT stupid together, but I know her love would fight for me.)

Love shows up when you have a sick kid, your house is a mess, and you just need help.

Love sends a hand-written note in the mail to say “I’m thinking of you!”

Love takes care of bath time so you can have 5 minutes to just sit and rest.

Love wants to spend hours looking at pictures on our phones so he can see all his favorite people that he knows love him back.

Love helps figure out daycare pickup when Mommy can’t get there and Daddy is still at work.

Love is the look on his face when he is hugging the dog like his very best friend.

Love sends a text to say “I know you’re doing awesome.  I’m proud of you.”

Love does the laundry.

Love lets you go run for your health and sanity, even when he is hungry and is anxious for you to fix dinner.

Love is where it is ok to not be ok.

Love says “I’m praying for you.”

Love checks in on you at just the right times.

Love wears a big cheesy grin and usually has sticky fingers.

Love makes you laugh.

Love brings home an unsweet tea “just because.”

Loves goes searching all over town (with a toddler) for medicine when you are sick.

Love sits with you when you are scared.

Love is brave in the face of fear.

Love does “evening duty” so you can still do some of the social things you want to do.

Love draws you a picture and writes “to the best teacher ever!”

Love reminds me that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.

Love says “I help Mama!”

Love looks at Daddy as his hero.

Love changes the station so you can listen to music you both like.

Love drives when you are too tired to.

Love shows what sacrifice is all about.

Love holds on to each other for dear life.

Love remains.

Love forgives.

Love went to the cross…  THAT is a love worth celebrating.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Happy Valentine’s Day!  I hope you are able to look around and see the way love lives in your life this week. 

When Time Stands Still

This week we celebrated our cowboy’s 4^th birthday.  It really seems a little bit impossible that 4 years have already passed, because I still remember so many details from that day (well minus the couple hours after my medical emergency where I was in and out of consciousness… those details are a little fuzzy).  The day I gave birth to each of my children really, for me, was a day where time stood still.  Where I made a purposeful decision to soak up every detail and feeling with the hope of holding on to them forever.  As I snuggled with my four-year-old boy before bed on his birthday, I closed my eyes and let myself relive those memories.  What it was like to hold that tiny baby we had prayed for, to watch my husband stand over the bed sweetly caring for both of us, to marvel at the fact he was ours, to worry over how on Earth we were supposed to do this- there was no owner’s manual!  As I wiped away a tear of joy, I was so thankful that holding that (much bigger) boy made time stand still.

 

Apologies to the hubby, we don't have a family 4th birthday party picture yet, just one selfie I was quick enough to catch after his party on Sunday.

Yesterday marked one year since my Grandma went to meet Jesus, and ironically yesterday was also the date of her estate sale.  In preparation for the sale, there were a million pictures to go through, and we grandkids were given the opportunity to speak up if there were things from the house that we would like to have.  More than once I made the comment, that truthfully the thing I would like the most would be to have the smell of the house bottled up.  For me personally, smell evokes a very strong sense of emotion and memory.  The smell of stepping into her house makes time stand still.  I was a little bitty girl there to play while my mom ran errands.  I was a young girl popping in to visit in the middle of a summer work day.  I was a college girl home on break.  I knew Grandma would pop around the corner of the kitchen, or be sitting at her desk meticulously going through the farm books. 

The items I did end up asking for were relatively small and most would deem insignificant- a set of salt and pepper shakers, a stool, a picture of two little farm boys, a wire egg basket, and 2 plastic mugs.  They were not things of great value, but they are items that take me back to a place where time stands still, and I am spending time in their home.  They are items that are already hanging on our wall or being used in our house so I can tell my boys the stories of how I used them in my grandparents’ home.

When I think of the moments in my life where time stands still, I will admit that not all of those time were happy.  Some of the hardest, most traumatic days of my life were days where time stood still too, where I can still recount each detail of what happened and how I felt.  Those moments are ones I try not to revisit often, but every now and then a trigger brings me back.  Here is the beautiful thing about traveling back to those moments now… with the passage of time I can look back on those days and see how God worked to carry me through.  I can see how He never let go of me in each situation, and how He taught me lessons about Himself and His faithfulness as I moved forward from those hard places.  In the same way, I look at the happy days and places where time stood still and see His blessings and His grace.

Time is an amazing thing.  It marches quickly and other times drags on forever, it brings change, it heals wounds, it shows growth, and some days… it stands still.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart, yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3: 1 & 11