That Baby Changes Everything

Everyone told us that having children would change our lives and perspectives.  “A baby changes everything,” they said.  And I knew that was going to be true, but until becoming a mom I didn’t know exactly what things would change. 

If you follow my personal social media, you saw this weekend that my perspective was changed on “that one” child that never behaves for the church Children’s Christmas Program.  Before becoming a mom, I always thought the child who was totally “off script” was funny and often even cute… then this weekend it was our own little cowboy jumping off the stage and falling to the floor as if he had been shot.  He brought a lot of giggles to my Facebook followers (and yes, I eventually laughed about it too), but as it was happening I wanted to crawl under the pew and hide. 

Motherhood has brought a lot of change to my perspective on Christmas, too.  I have wanted to start special traditions- several of which he as refused to participate in, so I had to let go of my starry-eyed ideas of being an InstaPinFace perfect mom.  Other times it has slowed me down from my frantic preparations to snuggle as we read Christmas books or watch Christmas movies.  It has made me take in the awe and wonder much more often.  I giggle and smile more during the season.  Last night his “ooohss” and “ahhhs” were over 2 simple strands of Christmas lights.  And the simplicity of that joy made my heart flutter.

Having a little one also changes my level of anticipation.  This year he has a couple of gifts that I hope he will find extra special and fun (I sure hope he doesn’t crush my dreams again like with the “traditions” haha!)  And because we are excited to give those gifts to him, I am really looking forward to Christmas morning.  I also find more anticipation in the family gatherings as well.  I have always loved getting together with my family, but even more so now, because I love watching them interact with him.  They get to share in the joy that we find in him each day.

People weren’t kidding.  A baby changes everything.

It has also changed my perspective on the most important baby we could ever celebrate.  Understanding the love for a child, makes me overwhelmed to think of the love God has for us that He willingly sent His own Son to come to earth as a baby.  To think that baby wasn’t heralded by kings and royalties, but was born in a stable- talk about crushing your InstaPinFace Perfect Mom dreams.  That humbles me.  THAT baby truly changes EVERYTHING.  It changes my life to feel so loved by God.  It changes my level of anticipation to want to share the joy I find in Him each day.  It changes how I see my faults and failures and “off script” moments. 

Just like all the people who tried to prepare us for parenthood, Isaiah prophesied that baby would change everything.  “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6 

Wonderful Counselor changes my heart, and helps me to sort through the things in life that I don’t understand.  Mighty God has shown me just how powerful He is, and that he truly cares for and fights for His children.  Everlasting Father has made His faithfulness evident in my life, even on some of the hardest and darkest days.  The Prince of Peace has given me a peace that passes my own understanding, even in the midst of life’s storms.  In my life, THAT baby changed everything. 

My prayer this Christmas, is that I would continue to be changed daily by THAT baby.  Because he didn’t stay a tiny baby, He came to be my Savior, and I thank God that changes EVERYTHING.

May you and yours be richly blessed this Christmas season as we celebrate the birth of the baby who changed everything, Emmanuel, God with us.

Merry Christmas!

The Christmas Lights

One of my very favorite things about Christmas is the lighting.  I absolutely LOVE to sit by the glow of the tree.  I have our tree lights on timers so that pretty much any time it is the least bit dark outside, the lights are on. 

It has been a little more fun to enjoy the lights this year, because the space in our new home allowed for more lights.  There is a big tree in the living room, and greenery on the mantle, greenery on the stairway railing, and a small tree in the dining area.  All of these are lit at the same time and the lights reflect off of the hardwood floor making the room glow almost brighter than it does with the actually living room lights on (ok, maybe that is because the living room lighting is TERRIBLE).  In the basement we have another full-sized tree and greenery on the mantle, and again the glow is so beautiful the light shines even to the top of the stairs.

To me, there is something comforting about the glow of those lights.  It makes me feel cozy and safe.  It makes the sad feeling of the 4:30 pm dark much less gloomy.  It brings a beauty to the house that is totally different.  The tree lights make snuggling with a sleepy toddler even more snuggly, and Hallmark movie “couch dates” with the hubby more romantic.  That beautiful, warm glow brings a little extra peace to the busy season and joy to my heart.  And in January, it KILLS me to take down the tree, because I just hate the thought of that beautiful lighting leaving my home.

It also reminds me, that Jesus tells us to be the light of the world.  And when I think about how much I love my tree lights, I realize what a huge and humbling task He asks of us.  I want my light to make others feel safe and cozy.  That they could come to me if they needed a soft place to land.  I want that light to make me different, because after all it isn’t MY light that they are seeing, but who Jesus is shining out of me.  I want that light to glow with a beauty that is totally different than anything else, because it glorifies God.   I want people to see a light that brings a little more peace to a situation, and joy to their hearts.  And I want to be horrified at the thought of that light ever leaving my home and my life. 

I am ashamed to admit that some days, my light isn’t as beautiful as the Christmas tree.  I get easily frustrated and discouraged, I don’t always choose joy like I should, and some days busyness and exhaustion get the best of my light. 

I pray that this Christmas, the lights I love so much will constantly remind me of the light I am called to share with others.  The light of Jesus that makes such a difference in every circumstance, the light I never have to put away no matter the season.

“You are the light of the word.  A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” Matthew 5: 14, 16

Tis the Season

One of phrases we often hear this time of year is “Tis the Season.”  Tis this season of giving, tis the season to be jolly and joyous, tis the season is even tossed around jokingly in front of other phrases… tis the season to battle the sinus crud.  But often it is so true…. It is just a season.  We don’t watch Hallmark Christmas movies forever (ok, maybe a bad example), as much as I love sitting by the lights of the tree I won’t leave those decorations up all year, we won’t sing Christmas carols at church all 52 Sundays of the year, we don’t decorate sugar cookies every weekend, we won’t hear jingle bells in the mall in May…. It is just a season.  And it seems to pass so quickly.

Parenting is NOT always fun and easy, but the last week has brought a lot of those moments where I just marvel at how fun and sweet it is to be the cowboy’s Momma.  I wasn’t feeling well one night last week, (tis the season for sinus crud) and he came bounding in to where I laid on the couch to tell me he brought me a drink to make me feel all better.  He has asked multiple times for us to sing together, and even told me I needed to sing louder.  He has said and done funny things, wanted to snuggle on the couch, begged to lay on the floor together and read books, and flashed his dimples for a zillion silly reasons. 

Yesterday, he made a little door hanger at his daycare that says “Santa, Please stop here!”  While the true meaning of Christmas is always first and foremost in our home, we choose to also have some fun with Santa, so I “oohed” and “aahhed” over this craft and complimented his coloring.  I read it aloud and then asked if he would like to hang it on the door knob to the door between our kitchen and garage.  He agreed that would be “a good place for it.”  Then for the next hour I kept catching him going to the door, opening it, looking out, and then saying “No, he’s not here yet!”  It took me a couple listens to realize he was looking for Santa… after all, we had just hung a sign on the door requesting him to stop here. 

And I will be honest, I have tried to savor every moment of this.  Because I realize it is just a season.  There will come a time my pre-teen boy won’t be overly excited about helping me get over the sinus crud, there will be a time he no longer wants to snuggle on the couch or begs me to sing loudly with him.  There will come a time he won’t want to lay on the floor and read books.  There will be a Christmas where he will no longer watch out the door for Santa to stop.  This is just a season, and I know it will pass so quickly.

Since becoming a mom, there are parts of the nativity account that stick to me so much more vividly than they ever did before.  Especially the verse in Luke “But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2: 19)  She knew this little boy of hers was truly special.  She was holding the Messiah, the Savior, Emmanuel in her arms.  I highly doubt she had any idea how God’s plan for his life was going to unfold, but she knew how much she had to treasure him.  Getting to cradle the Son of God was only going to last for a season. 

As I have studied that verse more this Christmas, I realized something I hadn’t before… it is repeated again later in the same chapter of Luke.  When Jesus is 12 and his family takes a trip to the temple in Jerusalem and he sticks around to talk with the teachers and his family leaves without him…  After he has been found, and they have left for a second time, again the verse reappears in Luke 2:51 “But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.”  I can’t help but wonder if she treasured them because she knew it was only for a season.

So if you stop my by house this week, you might notice all the laundry isn’t folded, and not every dish is clean.  Some nights we are eating re-heated leftovers, and you will hear endless shouts of rodeo phrases from the basement.  And I will be down there joining in, or snuggling by the Christmas lights, or reading stories, because this is only for a season… and I don’t want to let it slip by.

But in the meantime, I’m so thankful the best gift we celebrate this season will LONG outlast this season.  That God’s gift of Jesus is eternal, and I pray I will treasure it in my heart every day.  In this season, and beyond. 

“But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2: 19)

Awe and Wonder

I will openly admit it… I LOVE Christmas!  And the cowboy in our house seems to be “mini-me” in this regard.  As I have put up all our decorations over the past week he has been SO excited.  One night he kept dancing around saying “We love Christmas!” over and over. 

It has been fun to watch him, and fun to decorate a new house for the first time (even if (a)’s personalized stocking somehow got misplaced in the move…).  (a) has “oohed” and “aahhed” over the lights and been excited about helping me to decorate our trees.  It has also led to some interesting discussions.  He had three snowmen ornaments out one evening and they were “playing together” and having a conversation.  I was sort of half-listening to it as I worked when I heard a loud “No way, Jose!” I turned and asked why they were talking to each other like that, and (a) informed me that the snowman who is holding a broom (who he referred to as “she”) had told the others to clean.  Guess I know his feelings on that subject! 

My favorite conversation however, came one evening as he was singing “Happy Birthday.”  He likes that song and sings it often, so I wasn’t surprised that he was singing it randomly to some tree ornaments.  As he danced around, I asked who he was singing to.  He told me “Happy Birfday to da snowman!”  I laughed, and then told him we should practice singing Happy Birthday to Jesus.  Remember, I told him, Jesus’s birthday is why we celebrate Christmas.  He then looked at me and asked “Is Jesus going to drive to our house in his car?”  I couldn’t help but giggle, but it went on to be a great conversation about how Jesus doesn’t have a car and we wouldn’t see him walk through our door because he already lives in our house all the time, he lives in our hearts.  It was a conversation similar to one we’d had the week before when he asked “Where is God?”

I am no expert at answering his thoughtful little questions in a way that a toddler can understand, but I love that he asks them.  I love seeing the awe and wonder and listening to those little questions pop out of his mind as we look at this season and its true meaning.  And his awe and innocence makes me think… I don’t ever want to lose the awe and wonder of it all.  As this season gets hectic with school programs and church dinners, gift wrapping and family get togethers, may I never lose the awe and wonder of it all… may I stand in AWE of the fact that God the Father loved me enough to send his perfect Son to earth as a baby.  May I take in the WONDER of the miracle surrounding his birth.  That when we say “Oh come, let us adore Him” we aren’t just adoring a precious baby in a manger, but adoring the immense love in that sacrifice. 

May the awe and wonder of the season continue to bring questions I’m not good at answering.  May the awe and wonder lead to more conversations about the best gift of all and the hope that He brings.  May the awe and wonder of His peace keep us grounded through the hectic parts of the season.  May I always remember to look at HIM with awe and wonder.

“For unto us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6

Thankful in Every Season

The last year has brought a LOT of different seasons to our life.  Some have been exciting, but I can’t lie, many of them have been hard.  In this week of Thanksgiving though, I realize looking back over the past year that there has been something special to be thankful for in each of those seasons.  The faithfulness of God was always visible to us in each season.  (I will apologize now, this is a LOOONG one!)

Last November, we saw the generosity of God’s people bless our family.  When (A) left ministry, things had become very financially tight for our family.  Our daycare situation had changed so we actually had more household bills, but a very drastic decrease in our family’s income.  We became excellent budgeters, and learned that we could get by “without.”  Some weeks that was still challenging because his pay was hugely dependent on the commission of the shop where he worked, but in his particular job at the shop there was nothing he could do personally to contribute toward the weekly increase or decrease in that commission.  The week of Thanksgiving was one he had warned me would be tough because being closed for a day was going to significantly impact his commission.  The day before Thanksgiving, I was out delivering product to Mary Kay customers and had a lovely visit with one customer who is a dear friend.  When she handed me her check she mentioned she had rounded up her total.  I thanked her, but didn’t look at it until I got in the car.  She had rounded up her total by $200.  I began crying.  When I texted to thank her (I couldn’t call for the crying) she insisted she just wanted to be a blessing to our family.  When I arrived home from those errands, I checked the mail to discover an anonymous card addressed to our family with another $150 cash enclosed and a sweet card wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving.  I was overwhelmed.  In one day, God had more than supplied for the need of the smaller paycheck that week.  There was even a little extra to put toward Christmas.  As long as I live, I will never forget how thankful I was in that week to see generosity. 

In December, I was thankful that the love and laughter of family can light up our home.  I have always hosted Christmas parties and small group gatherings throughout the Christmas season.  Last year however, there were no parties to host.  Much of our social situation had changed.  My husband will be quick to tell anyone that one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of hospitality- our home is always open.  I love to entertain, host, feed, and make people feel welcome.  My heart was broken by not being able to use that gift through the holiday season as I had for many years in the past.  However, last year both of our families gave me the opportunity to host our family Christmases.  I’m sure that wasn’t easy for our mommas who love having their kids in their homes, but it was such a huge gift to me.  I was so thankful for tables full of family to feed.  I filled their bellies, but they filled my heart.

In January, I was thankful for a glimmer of hope.  (A) came to a town in south central Illinois for his first interview with a church he was very interested in.  I had a whole list of reasons why I didn’t think it was a good idea, but by the end of the day each of those reasons had been put to bed and I admitted “I think this might be it.”  We knew there was much more to the process, but for their first time since interviews had begun, we felt hope that God wasn’t finished using our family in a ministry that we could also love.

In February, I was reminded how thankful I am to be the Momma of a little cowboy.  We celebrated his second birthday, had snow day adventures, and unseasonable weather at the end of the month brought some after-school playground dates.  Parenting is not for the faint of heart, but it is such an amazing blessing.  He is funny and sweet and fiercely independent and I am so thankful that God entrusted him to us.

In March, I was thankful for the chance to make memories.  For Spring Break, I desperately needed a low-budget getaway, but I also knew (A) could not take time off work.  So I called my Mom to see if she would be willing to go with (a) and I to visit my grandparents in Louisiana.  (I know that even sounds silly typing it-  she was much more than just “willing” to go.)  As the plans began to come together, my sisters joined us and my aunt and uncle also came to join the adventure as well.  It was a week that will go down as one of my all-time favorite trips.  We laughed, and made memories, and reminisced over old memories, and played, and laughed some more.  It was an incredibly special week that I will always look back on with a thankful heart.

In April, we were thankful for new beginnings.  God made His call to us very obvious, and (A) accepted the position of Senior Minister at the church he had first be introduced to back in January.  We began moving stuff into storage so our Indiana house could go on the market, and with each trip west, we could feel that God had something new and wonderful in store for us.  That breath of fresh air was scary, but we were overwhelmed with the feeling of thankfulness that God had begun something new in our lives.

In May, we were thankful for God’s protection.  After leaving (A) in Illinois for his first week at the new church, (a) and I headed back to Indiana to finish my school year and get our home packed for the move.  After 3 hours on the road, we were within 5 minutes of my hometown when we were involved in a car accident.  A truck in the oncoming lane was hauling a load of hay, when the load shifted and fell off the truck into my lane.  As I tried to avoid the head-on impact, the car behind me rear-ended us.  It turned into a complicated matter that took a couple months to straighten out (one of the other drivers didn’t have insurance), but all I could think about was how catastrophic it could have been.  Instead, two vehicles behind me was a man on a motorcycle who was a local insurance agent.  He stopped to help make sure and walk me through getting all the important information I would need and made it clear he would not leave me until I had some help.  I recognized his name, but that day I was pretty sure he might actually have been an angel.  My parents happened to be 5 minutes away and were able to come get (a), and miraculously, my car was still drivable (even with over $8,000 worth of damage).  Amid all the frustration I was so very thankful that God provided safety and help that day.

In June, I was thankful for the hospitality of “strangers.”  I never imagined myself as a homeless person, but in June we were.  We closed on our house in Indiana 31 days before we were set to close on our new house in Illinois.  Thankfully, an incredibly hospitable church family opened their home and allowed us to live with them during that time.  I can’t lie, I was really scared at first because I had no idea what to expect and we did not know them well.  But I will admit, by the end of our time there I felt like a part of the family.  The night we moved out and into our own home a couple of tears slid down my face because I was SO incredibly grateful for how they had loved us and made us feel at home.  Their hospitality and friendship was a true gift to our lives.

In July, I was thankful for the “family” in the term church family.  We got possession of our new home on a Monday and by Friday every single wall in the house had a new coat of paint, new light fixtures were installed, a bathroom was remodeled, and on that Saturday allllll of our belongings were moved in.  I lost track of how many wonderful people walked in and out of our doors that week.  Members of our church family were there with paintbrushes and supplies from early in the morning until late at night.  Others showed up with food to fed the work crews and men came in droves to carry all of our furniture on move-in day.  We could never have begun to accomplish all we did that week without their help.  I would never have enough “thank yous” to tell them what that meant to our family.

In August, I was thankful for new friends.  Leaving my “circle” in Indiana was very hard and I was scared I would never find friends like that again.  While it is true, those friends are irreplaceable, I knew I had to form some friendships here too if I was ever going to make it.  In the early weeks of August, before school began I met a teacher across the hall who had a story so similar to mine.  Her husband’s job had also relocated them and she was far away from friends and family.  We quickly realized we had similar classroom styles and backgrounds in education.  While adapting to a new school setting has had its share of challenges, I am confident God sent me there to gift me with her friendship.  And I am so very thankful for that!

In September, I was thankful for old friends.  Our best friends from Indiana came for a weekend visit and it was the most amazing gift to my heart.  We have walked through more life together than I could ever put into words.  Having a chance to share our new chapter with them was wonderful, but more than that I was so thankful for their wiliness to come.  It made me feel that we were still loved, that we were not forgotten in our “old life” and that our friendship was still a priority.  We will be forever thankful for what they mean to us.

In October, I was thankful for family time.  A zoo trip, pumpkin patch visit (even though you may have already read about my disappointment at their term “pumpkin patch” haha), trunk or treat, pumpkin painting, town parade, and soaking in every last drop of beautiful warm weather before it was gone.  Our little family has clung to each other through thick and thin, and I am very thankful God gave those two guys to me. 

In every season God’s goodness shines, and I’m so THANKFUL for those blessings in every season.  I’m excited for what the next season will hold. 

“All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.” 2 Corinthians 4:15

What Would Life be Like Without...?

A few years ago, a November trend started on InstaPinFace to list something you were thankful for each day.  While I haven’t seen it as prevalent this year as in years past, it often gets me thinking about the attitude of gratefulness I should have all the time.

I attended a conference for my Mary Kay business over the weekend.  It was a great time of fun, training, and catching up with friends.  The question was posed to us to consider what our life would be like if we did not have Mary Kay.  At first, I didn’t think much about it because I’m not currently in a leadership level, but as I started looking around the room and the people sitting there it made a huge impact on me.  That small business has brought some amazing women into my life.  Women who have become my very close friends, who have helped babysit when needed, who have provided emotional support in hard times, who have laughed with me in crazy moments, and we have cried together in hard ones.  The very last friend out the door of my home in Indiana was a friend I met through that business.  I thought about the “extras” it has paid for in our life and the richer life I have because of my amazing friends.  That question “What would your life be like without...?” started making me think about all the areas in my life.  And it brought be to realize just how grateful I am, and how grateful I should be.

As the weekend progressed, that question stayed in the front of my mind.    Since we had gone back to Indiana for the conference, (a) and I were able to also spend a couple days catching up with family and friends, we got to worship with our beloved OCC church family, eat some pizza at our favorite local pizza place, and attend a cattle show that has long been a family tradition.  And that question just kept popping up in my heart… What would our life look like without friends like this?  What would my life look like if I hadn’t been raised in the barn?  What would last year have been like if we had never been invited to Ogilville Christian Church?  What would we do without a family who dearly loves our little cowboy?  And as those questions kept coming through my mind, I couldn’t help but realize how very thankful I am.  I’m thankful for people who stand with us when we don’t have the strength to stand on our own.  I’m thankful for people who pray with us and over us in both the good times and bad.  I’m thankful for the opportunities that I have been given.  I’m thankful for the work ethic that was instilled in me, the lessons that made me stronger, and the mentors who set examples. 

I'm so thankful to be the mom in this little tribe.

While this question kept running through my mind and my heart, something else hit me also.  I know I feel incredibly grateful, but do I TELL people that I am incredibly grateful?  Do I make a conscious effort to tell the people in my life how thankful I am for them?  Do I tell people when I am thankful for their actions?  Growing up, my mom instilled the importance of “thank you notes” in us.  It is a practice I still try to follow (though I will admit that sometimes I am an epic failure), but I mostly only use thank you notes for material things.  Maybe it is time I start writing thank you notes for “heart things” too.  It is time I start looking at the things I am grateful for in my life, and telling people about it.  And it is not something I only want do during November, because I don’t want to just live in a season of thankfulness, I want to live a life of thankfulness.      

What would be life look like without…?  I’m very thankful that I don’t know.  I only know what it looks like WITH all our blessings, and for that too, I am so very, very grateful!!

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name." Psalm 100:4

In Disguise

I’m preparing this week to start one of my favorite student projects of the year- “Turkey in Disguise.”  Each student will receive a picture of a turkey on cardstock, and then they take it home to decorate it in some way that disguises the turkey.  The whole idea is giving the turkey a personality and planning his scheme to avoid becoming Thanksgiving dinner.  When the turkeys come back to school we do a writing project about them with “Who am I?” questions.  It is so fun to see all the creativity and the different ways students dress their turkeys.  However, no matter what they do, the original cardstock turkey picture is still underneath.  They can dress it up, change its color, disguise the shape of the feathers, or cover over it, but behind all it… it is still a turkey.

Some days I feel like I am a crazy woman in disguise.  Some days I am REALLY struggling to balance it all- how to be a good mom, a good wife, a good teacher, put some sort of food on the dinner table, keep the house from becoming a federal disaster area, maybe get to have a friendship or two at some point, exercise enough, and strive to be the woman God wants me to be.  But I often don’t want anyone to see I’m struggling, so I walk around in disguise… I cover it up with a dress and cute boots, I smile and tell you “I’m great, how are you!?”, I find a way to still show up with the covered dish I was stressing about, or wrestle my kid until he looks put-together.  But the reality is, none of those things still change what is underneath- a girl working her tail off to keep it all together.  And I would guess, that if we were sitting knee to knee, toe to toe honest… I’m not the only chick in my shoes.

I am so very grateful that Creator can still see the “ME” he made under that disguise, and that before Him I do not have anything to hide.  On one particularly hard day last week, I opened my evening devotional to read about holding on when things are tough, but letting go of the hurt that was making it tougher.  I began to cry my eyes out.  But at the same time, it brought so much relief to know that it was OK to tell God I was not ok.  That He knows every part of me, and He wants me to share my heart with him… even the hurt and struggles I have been disguising. 

I think the thing I love so much about the “Turkey in Disguise” project is that I know exactly what each student started with, a basic turkey on a white piece of card stock.  And when the project comes back as something fun and elaborate, I know the work they have put into it, because I know what is really beneath.  In contrast, I find so much comfort in knowing I can take off my disguise when I come before God, because he knows what is really beneath.  I can not hide it from him, and I’m so glad I can trust His love enough that I don’t want to hide it from him. 

Now, if I could just find some of the things that were hidden when I disguised my house as “clean”…

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed.  Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.  For there is nothing hidden that will no be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.” Luke 8:16-17

InstaPinFace Perfect

I have an interesting relationship with social media.  I truly love having the opportunity to keep up with the lives of friends and family I no longer see on a regular basis.  I love having the chance to share pieces of our life with them as well.  I love using it to publish and share with each of you every week.  But I have to be so careful of the way it makes me feel. 

A few weeks ago, everyone back in Indiana was on Fall Break and sharing stories of their fun adventures on their week off and visiting our favorite Indiana pumpkin patch.  And as I scrolled, I found myself in tears because it reminded me of the all things I was missing so much.  I had to close my apps and walk away.  As much as I wanted to enjoy my friends’ adventures, my heart wasn’t ready to handle it. 

Other times I have to put the “perfect” in perspective.  I will admit it- I’m NOT the perfect InstaPinFace mom.  I see pictures of cute hand-made costumes, perfect birthday parties, matching family outfits, and moms who look like they just stepped out of magazines.  And I have nothing against that!  I will admit, I don’t put my messy stuff on InstaPinFace either, because I want to be a positive person, and I don’t want to create negativity and drama.  But I have to remind myself that life is not InstaPinFace perfect, and neither am I- and for me sometimes that comparison game is sometimes a tricky place to be. 

If you are an InstaPinFace #Fail Mama like me, hold tight girl, you got this.  Because this is real life.  Want to know what real life looks like?  For (a)’s birthday last winter I made and decorated a cake for him that was supposed to say “Our Buckaroo is 2.”  Instead, the icing ran and my sister took one look at the cake and informed me it looked like “Our Boy Karl”.  You didn’t see that picture on my InstaPinFace. 

Real life is the fact that I am frugal and took my kid to the local walk-in hair salon (and I use the word “salon” loosely here) because I had a coupon for a $7.99 haircut… let’s just say you get what you pay for.  He looks like he lost a fight with a set of clippers and it’s a good thing he wears his cowboy hat most of the time.  No perfect InstaPinFace #haircut pictures were taken afterwards.  Though I will admit I did take pictures of the terrible botch job it is so I could share with my mom and sister my moment of embarrassment and affirmation that we won’t be heading back to that establishment.

Nope the ear peel away is not a new trend... it is a BAD haircut!

Over the weekend we took the cowboy to the pumpkin patch.  I had been told by several people about one they recommended and so I was hopeful that it would not disappoint.  Now I should preface with the fact that in Indiana there is an AMAZING pumpkin patch close to home where we have taken (a) each fall.  I have adorable, Christmas-card-worthy pictures from him sitting in that patch.  It is a family farm that is not highly commercialized, but has tons of fun activities for kids and families.  By my standards it is epic.  When we arrived at the “patch” on Saturday it was clear we had come to a place that was a little different.  There were pop-up tent vendor booths lining the entire front entrance.  And the front yard was full of pumpkins that had already been picked.  When we finally got to the check-in counter, they confirmed my fear that there was no “you pick” patch and that many of the activities I was hoping to do as a family either did not exist or were not set up in an age appropriate way for the cowboy.  My first tears of the day started falling as I stepped away from the counter to relay this information to (A).  They did have a very nice playground, so we decided to start there.  And as I cried about all I was missing from home and how disappointed I was at the set-up (A) gently pointed out to me that (a) was having an absolute blast on the playground.  Wasn’t that what we really came for?  A fun family outing?  That is real life.

  After more than an hour of playing, we could tell (a) was starting to wind down so we suggested it was time for him to pick out his pumpkins.  Again, I got my hopes up for the perfect Christmas card picture as he chose a pumpkin.  I wanted family pictures and a picture of him sitting on one or holding one.  Instead… he was adamant that he should climb and craw across the display of pumpkins like he was a contestant on American Ninja Warrior.  He had NO interest in posing for pictures, and even if he had the vendor booths and parking lot were all going to be in the background.  No actual pumpkin patch like I wanted for my InstaPinFace pictures.  As I again fought back tears over my disappointment, a man asked if I would be willing to snap a few photos for his family.  His wife was wearing an adorable fall outfit that matched their baby daughter and they all posed perfectly as I snapped away.  Even the baby smiled and looked right at the camera.  Perfect InstaPinFace success.  As I turned back to my family, our kid was still crawling through the pumpkins making a total mess of himself and I caught a look at my shadow where I could see the intense wind of the day had me looking nothing like a perfect InstaPinFace Mama, but instead something more like a homeless woman.  Real life.

We paid for our pumpkins and loaded up the car.  I was so disappointed that the adventure had met none of my expectations.  But then a voice from the back seat began jabbering about the fun he had and the pumpkins he had picked out.  We stopped for dinner where he flirted with the waitress and ate all his food.  He even let us know when he needed to use the restroom (potty training WIN!) and informed his Daddy that “Mommy will be so proud of me!” when he went. That’s the good stuff. None of that is going to make it to my InstaPinFace… but it’s our real life.   

When I take a look around our life, I realize I can’t play the comparison game with what I see through someone else’s edited filter.  We do not have an InstaPinFace perfect life, we have a real life, and for me that suits me better.

P.S. I’m not going anywhere when it comes to social media.  You will still continue to see the silly faces and adventures of life with the cowboy.  I will continue to publish weekly and share my heart with all of you.  I will continue to only share positive things because the world has enough negativity.  But I am just learning to be more mindful of how the perfect world of InstaPinFace only exists on those apps, not in my real life.  And I am ok with that! 😉

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?  Or am I trying to please man?  If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Before I Was Your Mama

I have been told many times that the only constant in life is change.  In the 2 ½ years since becoming a mom that has been so true.  I used to go to bed when I got tired, now we have to make sure he is down first or who knows what might become of our house.  We used to watch things on TV that weren’t animated.  We used to do fine with just a couple loads of laundry per week.  And all those changes have been wonderful and welcomed- we love parenthood! But sometimes I forget just how much has changed.

Over the weekend we made an extremely quick trip “home” to Indiana.  Before we left the area, we made a very short stop by my family’s farm to pick up some gourds my mom had for my classroom.  It is no secret (a) LOVES the farm and he was excited to ride the combine for a few minutes with his Poppa Bornan.  Since it had rained the day before, the combine was in the shed and so we headed up the road in the side-by-side to get it.  When my dad hopped off the “Mule” to get on the combine, I slid over to the driver’s seat to follow him to the field.  When (a) saw me take the wheel his eyes got HUGE and he asked “YOU can drive dis, Mama??!!”  For a half second his disbelief stung just a little, and then I couldn’t help but laugh at his shock as I assured him that YES, I could drive this.  I had spent years of my life driving “dis”.  But to him that seemed crazy, because those years were before I was his mama.  I went on to reassure him that I could do MANY of the things he “helps” do on the farm, he just didn’t know me before I was his mama. 

Yes, Cowboy, your mama still knows her way around the farm. 😉

Silly as it may seem, that short exchange was heavy on my mind as we drove back to Illinois that evening.  And I realize that I want him to know who I was before I was his mama, because she helped make me who I am now. 

Before I was your mama, I faced fear and heartache that you might never exist, and that is why I cherish you so much.

Before I was your mama, I was known as the sister who was most likely to say or do stupid things.  I also had a knack for getting injuries on everyday objects such as empty cardboard boxes and plastic pitchers.  And that is why I can laugh at myself and shrug when I have one of those #momfail days and you are eating crackers off the floor wearing dirty clothes.  It is also why I tell you “you’re fine” every time you take a little tumble. 

Before I was your mama, I learned to have an intense work ethic by watching it modeled by my parents.  And that is why it makes me so proud to see you helping Daddy around the yard, doing chores when we are at the farm, or telling me that you “gotta do work!” when dinner is over.

Before I was your mama, I learned that life was going to throw you unexpected turns and unplanned changes.  And that is why I pray so fervently that you will place your trust in Jesus.

Before I was your mama, I loved your daddy fiercely.  And that is how I am able to love him fiercely still, even in the chaos of parenting.  And when you give us your look of total disbelief that Daddy would share his hugs and kisses with me and not just you, remember that he loved me before I was your mama.

Before I was your mama, I learned what it was like to make friends, and to lose friends.  And that is why I constantly remind you to “BE a friend.”

Before I was your mama, I used my voice to sing for Jesus.  And that is why I will play your favorite children’s church songs over and over and over, so I can listen to you sing for Him too.

Before I was your mama, I stood for what I believed in, I clung to my values, I spoke my heart, and I gave 100% of myself to everything I did.  And that is why I pray for the strength to continue doing so now that you are watching. 

Before I was your mama, I loved my family dearly.  And that is why I love watching you do the same. 

Sure, before I was your mama I was more rested, had less gray hairs, and had no sticky fingerprints on my doors.  Before I was your mama, I never had an argument with a toddler in Paw Patrol jammies, or had to open a buckin’ chute 267 times per evening.  And that is why I’m so thankful for the crazy, beautiful, chaotic life we have now.

I never want to forget the girl I was before I was your mama, because she helped make me who I am today.  And I pray that someday, a looonng time from now, you will find yourself an even better version of your mama.  And that you will come to love and appreciate her for who she was before you, and that you will make her a better version of herself like you have for me. 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens;” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Trying to be Prepared

I have had an October sunburn one time in my life… until yesterday.  The first October sunburn came on a Fall Break trip to Hilton Head Island.  It happened the first day on the beach.  I had properly applied sunscreen to my pale complexion, but had failed to double check the date on the sunscreen and it had expired a few months before.  The sun reflecting off the ocean turned me a few shades of raw, and needless to say, I now always check the sunscreen date before leaving for a beach vacation.  I like to be prepared. 

Yesterday, was the perfect, sunny, 90 degree, October day to go to the zoo.  I made sure (A) had packed snacks for (a), I made sure we had water, we worked very hard to convince our little cowboy to wear shorts and sandals instead of “cowboy clothes” so that he wouldn’t get to hot in his jeans and boots, we planned which stroller to take a long, we planned stops that needed to be made on the way home, but what I failed to prepare for was the intensity of the sun.  When we got home last night it was pretty obvious that I now have quite a lovely sunburn, because I wasn’t prepared with sunscreen.

I like to be prepared.  I like to know what’s coming and how I plan to deal with it.  I will admit, it is totally a control issue.  I like to be in control, I like to know what is around the next turn, and I like to be ready for it before it happens.  However, the last year of our lives has taught me some valuable lessons about what I can and can’t be prepared for.  There are things in life that are total out of my control.  Some things are going to blind-side you, somethings you see coming- but you can’t prevent, some things you know are going to happen eventually, but you don’t know when and so you can try to prepare for them, but when they do happen you still aren’t ready.  I have had to learn a lot about giving up control and learning to be prepared in different ways.

I’ve learned to prepare my heart by spending more time in God’s Word.  The more I read, and learn, and know, the more I feel ready to take on my day to day challenges.  I am more prepared now to forgive, and be vulnerable, to trust His promises, and see His faithfulness because I have spent a lot of time this last year preparing my heart in those areas through scripture. 

We have worked to prepare our marriage for strength in the everyday chaos by being intentional.  Lots of weeks the only date night we have means turning the TV to something that isn’t animated on Friday after (a) has gone to bed, or like yesterday, walking the rest of the zoo together while pushing the stroller with a sleeping kiddo.   But we have learned that those moments are what REAL life is made of, and instead of letting them pass by without noticing, its best to make the most of them and enjoy them.  The biggest part of our life together is happening in those little things, and if we do not choose to use them intentionally, we lose them. 

And while it is a never-ending job, we are trying to prepare our son to be a blessing to others, a servant, a leader, a contributor, a friend, and most importantly, a Christ-follower.  Right now those discussions sound more like lessons on not being rude, how to be a friend, don’t help yourself to other people’s food, being nice to your parents, taking a bath so you don’t stink, singing to all his favorite “church songs”, and how “Cowboys love Jesus, and I love Jesus!” It’s a work in progress… but I want to be prepared.

I can’t juggle everything life throws at me, and like the October sunburn, I often fail.  But when I can… I like to be prepared.

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have….” 1 Peter 3:15

It is Well

Saturday morning (a) woke me up early requesting chicken nuggets for breakfast.  (As luck would have it, I actually had a small package to fix him… that isn’t a staple food in our house haha!)  The air was the perfect combo of cool and crisp as the breeze blew in the open bedroom window.  As I walked toward the kitchen I took in a deep breath of the new fall scented air freshener I had plugged in the night before.  The early morning sunshine was streaming in the windows and we were not on any time limit.  That alone was the most wonderful, peaceful combination. 

(A) had a haircut and needed to mow, and the weather was absolutely PERFECT so (a) and I spent the morning on an adventure and the afternoon playing in the yard and cutting fresh flowers for the house.  That evening I drove to church for music practice and couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the last of the uncut soybean fields looked in the evening, orange sun.  And the chance to sing with a praise band for the first time in months resonated deep within my soul. 

Oh my word he was filthy dirty, but the sign in my laundry room reminds me often...
"The best days end with the dirtiest clothes."

If you are still reading at this point I’m sure you are about to quit because you could care less about the details of my Saturday, but I share them with you to tell you that it was nothing extravagant, nothing extraordinary.  It was a pretty low-key day.  But something about it gave me all the warm-fuzzies deep inside. 

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was until Sunday morning.  The worship service at church was fantastic, and I felt very blessed to be a part of the praise team that morning.  As the piano began to play the instrumental communion song I quickly recognized her choice of “It is Well with my Soul.”  And then it hit me.  For the first time in a looooonnnng time that is what that warm-fuzzy feeling was… it is well with my soul.

I know the history of that hymn.  It was written at a time of great grief and loss for the author.  A time when the only peace he could find was to rest in His Savior.

Transition is hard, finding a place to belong is hard, moving is hard, new jobs are hard, making friends is hard, finding new daycare is hard, helping a toddler adjust is hard, potty training said toddler is hard, missing the people you love is hard, Common Core Math is hard, dealing with all of those things at the exact same time is really hard… but the simple… that is where the peace is found.  Fresh cut flowers on the table, breathing in cool morning air, giggling with our dimple-faced cowboy, sunshine on my face, the smells of fall, morning snuggles, playing outside, using my voice for Jesus, watching college football with new friends… it is well with my soul. 

I’m so grateful to be finally finding some “mundane” in what has been a very hectic season of our life, and I pray that even in the busy of our work/school week I am able to catch glimpses of that SIMPLE… the place where peace is found.  Where in the calm, I can hear His voice and see His beauty and rest in His precious promises that He is holding me in the palm of His hand…where it is well with my soul.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

   

Roots and Wings

My parents have given me a lot of great gifts over the years.  I remember the Christmas of the new saddle, the pink birthday bicycle, lots of favorite outfits, my first phone (back in the days where it flipped open, the antenna pulled out, I only had 150 total minutes and texting didn’t even exist), and countless other wonderful things.  However, this past weekend, I was reminded of two of the very best gifts they ever gave me… my roots and my wings. 

On Sunday, I had the rare privilege of worshiping in my home church.  When you marry a preacher, you don’t make it back to your hometown on Sunday mornings very often, so it is a very special treat when it happens.  I was raised in a red brick church, surrounded by cornfields, just a couple miles from our house.  Growing up, many families were farm families like mine, and many families had more than one generation there in the church.  Over the years the building has changed and grown, some of the families I knew have come and gone as happens in churches, but as I walked in on Sunday morning I couldn’t help but feel such a sense of gratefulness for the roots I have there.  Communion meditation was led by a man I have known and admired all my life, and he used 3 ears of corn and a farming reference to drive home a powerful message.  The men passing the trays mostly wore boots and jeans, as they have all my life.  I was hugged and waved at by former Sunday school teachers and friends’ parents.  I got to visit with high school friends who are now raising their own children in that church and stand in between my parents as we sang during the worship service.  As I stood there taking it all in, I was almost overwhelmed by how deeply planted my roots are there.  It was there I developed a passion for serving in worship ministry, back when I was still small enough I had to stand on a stool to help lead songs.  I learned what it meant to sacrifice of your time, energy, and talents to volunteer in aspects of ministry, as I watched my parents and other role models give freely of themselves.  I fell in love with the stories of the Old Testament and how God continually pursued His people through Sunday school teachers and children’s church leaders.  I learned what it meant to live in community with other believers through a close-knit youth group and the way we were taken care of by each other’s parents on several occasions.  I was encouraged, supported, and loved through all my formative years, and even now, I feel the same way walking back through those doors.  Yes, over the years the faces and leaders have changed, the programs have different names, the music sounds different.  But it was there, that the roots to my faith were planted deeply and firmly.  They were nurtured and tended so that once I started to grow my roots would keep my solidly grounded.

My parents rooted us in family.  As we celebrated my Great-Aunt’s 93^rd birthday this weekend, there was a lot of time to reminisce about memories and visit with family that we don’t see often enough.  I got to have one of those late-night chats with my sister where we solved all the world’s problems, and I was reminded yet again how much I miss living closer to her.  The antics of my little cowboy brought the familiar sound of laughter from my grandpa that I so dearly love to hear.  My mom and Granny kept our bellies too full, and (a)’s teasing interactions with my uncle reminded me of similar teasing from 30 years ago. 

They rooted us in community, agriculture, work ethic, and responsibility.  Harvest has started for my dad, and I doubt I will ever think of harvest without thinking of the year he took a fall and broke several ribs at harvest time.  I was in college, and while he was in the hospital I just kept stressing about how I was going to manage keeping up with my work at Purdue while needing to go home and help get harvest done while he was hurt.  But I didn’t have to stress long, because a neighbor stepped in to help.  We were rooted in community. 

Our roots were planted deeply and firmly.  They were solid enough to keep us anchored in the things that mattered most, and when the time was right, those roots allowed us accept and use our next gift… our wings.

As I reminisced this weekend, I also couldn’t help but think of how much life has happened, really in just the few short years since I spread my wings.  I will forever be grateful that my parents encouraged us to fly.  I know it is easier to keep your family close beside you, but the gift of being willing to let go means the world.  They always encouraged us to follow our dreams and where God was taking our lives, even if that didn’t bring us home for more than a visit.  The night they dropped me off for my freshman year of college, my mom didn’t cry.  I would like to think that inside it was hard for her, but she never let it show on the outside, because she wanted me to spread my wings and discover who God was creating me to be.  She remined me that she was raising me- to let me go.  What a wonderful gift.  Learning to fly hasn’t always been easy, and I still love the chance to return to their nest from time to time, but it has allowed me to grow and see things differently, and follow God’s direction for my life.  Flying has given me opportunities I didn’t see coming, and a chance to discover and nurture gifts and talents God placed deep inside of me. 

Roots to stand firm and wings to fly- thanks Mom & Dad for such great gifts.  I pray that I will be able to pass them on to our son one day.  And I’m glad that you are still watering our roots, and allowing us to fly home when we get the chance. 

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.” Colossians 2:6-7