InstaPinFace Perfect

I have an interesting relationship with social media.  I truly love having the opportunity to keep up with the lives of friends and family I no longer see on a regular basis.  I love having the chance to share pieces of our life with them as well.  I love using it to publish and share with each of you every week.  But I have to be so careful of the way it makes me feel. 

A few weeks ago, everyone back in Indiana was on Fall Break and sharing stories of their fun adventures on their week off and visiting our favorite Indiana pumpkin patch.  And as I scrolled, I found myself in tears because it reminded me of the all things I was missing so much.  I had to close my apps and walk away.  As much as I wanted to enjoy my friends’ adventures, my heart wasn’t ready to handle it. 

Other times I have to put the “perfect” in perspective.  I will admit it- I’m NOT the perfect InstaPinFace mom.  I see pictures of cute hand-made costumes, perfect birthday parties, matching family outfits, and moms who look like they just stepped out of magazines.  And I have nothing against that!  I will admit, I don’t put my messy stuff on InstaPinFace either, because I want to be a positive person, and I don’t want to create negativity and drama.  But I have to remind myself that life is not InstaPinFace perfect, and neither am I- and for me sometimes that comparison game is sometimes a tricky place to be. 

If you are an InstaPinFace #Fail Mama like me, hold tight girl, you got this.  Because this is real life.  Want to know what real life looks like?  For (a)’s birthday last winter I made and decorated a cake for him that was supposed to say “Our Buckaroo is 2.”  Instead, the icing ran and my sister took one look at the cake and informed me it looked like “Our Boy Karl”.  You didn’t see that picture on my InstaPinFace. 

Real life is the fact that I am frugal and took my kid to the local walk-in hair salon (and I use the word “salon” loosely here) because I had a coupon for a $7.99 haircut… let’s just say you get what you pay for.  He looks like he lost a fight with a set of clippers and it’s a good thing he wears his cowboy hat most of the time.  No perfect InstaPinFace #haircut pictures were taken afterwards.  Though I will admit I did take pictures of the terrible botch job it is so I could share with my mom and sister my moment of embarrassment and affirmation that we won’t be heading back to that establishment.

Nope the ear peel away is not a new trend... it is a BAD haircut!

Over the weekend we took the cowboy to the pumpkin patch.  I had been told by several people about one they recommended and so I was hopeful that it would not disappoint.  Now I should preface with the fact that in Indiana there is an AMAZING pumpkin patch close to home where we have taken (a) each fall.  I have adorable, Christmas-card-worthy pictures from him sitting in that patch.  It is a family farm that is not highly commercialized, but has tons of fun activities for kids and families.  By my standards it is epic.  When we arrived at the “patch” on Saturday it was clear we had come to a place that was a little different.  There were pop-up tent vendor booths lining the entire front entrance.  And the front yard was full of pumpkins that had already been picked.  When we finally got to the check-in counter, they confirmed my fear that there was no “you pick” patch and that many of the activities I was hoping to do as a family either did not exist or were not set up in an age appropriate way for the cowboy.  My first tears of the day started falling as I stepped away from the counter to relay this information to (A).  They did have a very nice playground, so we decided to start there.  And as I cried about all I was missing from home and how disappointed I was at the set-up (A) gently pointed out to me that (a) was having an absolute blast on the playground.  Wasn’t that what we really came for?  A fun family outing?  That is real life.

  After more than an hour of playing, we could tell (a) was starting to wind down so we suggested it was time for him to pick out his pumpkins.  Again, I got my hopes up for the perfect Christmas card picture as he chose a pumpkin.  I wanted family pictures and a picture of him sitting on one or holding one.  Instead… he was adamant that he should climb and craw across the display of pumpkins like he was a contestant on American Ninja Warrior.  He had NO interest in posing for pictures, and even if he had the vendor booths and parking lot were all going to be in the background.  No actual pumpkin patch like I wanted for my InstaPinFace pictures.  As I again fought back tears over my disappointment, a man asked if I would be willing to snap a few photos for his family.  His wife was wearing an adorable fall outfit that matched their baby daughter and they all posed perfectly as I snapped away.  Even the baby smiled and looked right at the camera.  Perfect InstaPinFace success.  As I turned back to my family, our kid was still crawling through the pumpkins making a total mess of himself and I caught a look at my shadow where I could see the intense wind of the day had me looking nothing like a perfect InstaPinFace Mama, but instead something more like a homeless woman.  Real life.

We paid for our pumpkins and loaded up the car.  I was so disappointed that the adventure had met none of my expectations.  But then a voice from the back seat began jabbering about the fun he had and the pumpkins he had picked out.  We stopped for dinner where he flirted with the waitress and ate all his food.  He even let us know when he needed to use the restroom (potty training WIN!) and informed his Daddy that “Mommy will be so proud of me!” when he went. That’s the good stuff. None of that is going to make it to my InstaPinFace… but it’s our real life.   

When I take a look around our life, I realize I can’t play the comparison game with what I see through someone else’s edited filter.  We do not have an InstaPinFace perfect life, we have a real life, and for me that suits me better.

P.S. I’m not going anywhere when it comes to social media.  You will still continue to see the silly faces and adventures of life with the cowboy.  I will continue to publish weekly and share my heart with all of you.  I will continue to only share positive things because the world has enough negativity.  But I am just learning to be more mindful of how the perfect world of InstaPinFace only exists on those apps, not in my real life.  And I am ok with that! 😉

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?  Or am I trying to please man?  If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Before I Was Your Mama

I have been told many times that the only constant in life is change.  In the 2 ½ years since becoming a mom that has been so true.  I used to go to bed when I got tired, now we have to make sure he is down first or who knows what might become of our house.  We used to watch things on TV that weren’t animated.  We used to do fine with just a couple loads of laundry per week.  And all those changes have been wonderful and welcomed- we love parenthood! But sometimes I forget just how much has changed.

Over the weekend we made an extremely quick trip “home” to Indiana.  Before we left the area, we made a very short stop by my family’s farm to pick up some gourds my mom had for my classroom.  It is no secret (a) LOVES the farm and he was excited to ride the combine for a few minutes with his Poppa Bornan.  Since it had rained the day before, the combine was in the shed and so we headed up the road in the side-by-side to get it.  When my dad hopped off the “Mule” to get on the combine, I slid over to the driver’s seat to follow him to the field.  When (a) saw me take the wheel his eyes got HUGE and he asked “YOU can drive dis, Mama??!!”  For a half second his disbelief stung just a little, and then I couldn’t help but laugh at his shock as I assured him that YES, I could drive this.  I had spent years of my life driving “dis”.  But to him that seemed crazy, because those years were before I was his mama.  I went on to reassure him that I could do MANY of the things he “helps” do on the farm, he just didn’t know me before I was his mama. 

Yes, Cowboy, your mama still knows her way around the farm. 😉

Silly as it may seem, that short exchange was heavy on my mind as we drove back to Illinois that evening.  And I realize that I want him to know who I was before I was his mama, because she helped make me who I am now. 

Before I was your mama, I faced fear and heartache that you might never exist, and that is why I cherish you so much.

Before I was your mama, I was known as the sister who was most likely to say or do stupid things.  I also had a knack for getting injuries on everyday objects such as empty cardboard boxes and plastic pitchers.  And that is why I can laugh at myself and shrug when I have one of those #momfail days and you are eating crackers off the floor wearing dirty clothes.  It is also why I tell you “you’re fine” every time you take a little tumble. 

Before I was your mama, I learned to have an intense work ethic by watching it modeled by my parents.  And that is why it makes me so proud to see you helping Daddy around the yard, doing chores when we are at the farm, or telling me that you “gotta do work!” when dinner is over.

Before I was your mama, I learned that life was going to throw you unexpected turns and unplanned changes.  And that is why I pray so fervently that you will place your trust in Jesus.

Before I was your mama, I loved your daddy fiercely.  And that is how I am able to love him fiercely still, even in the chaos of parenting.  And when you give us your look of total disbelief that Daddy would share his hugs and kisses with me and not just you, remember that he loved me before I was your mama.

Before I was your mama, I learned what it was like to make friends, and to lose friends.  And that is why I constantly remind you to “BE a friend.”

Before I was your mama, I used my voice to sing for Jesus.  And that is why I will play your favorite children’s church songs over and over and over, so I can listen to you sing for Him too.

Before I was your mama, I stood for what I believed in, I clung to my values, I spoke my heart, and I gave 100% of myself to everything I did.  And that is why I pray for the strength to continue doing so now that you are watching. 

Before I was your mama, I loved my family dearly.  And that is why I love watching you do the same. 

Sure, before I was your mama I was more rested, had less gray hairs, and had no sticky fingerprints on my doors.  Before I was your mama, I never had an argument with a toddler in Paw Patrol jammies, or had to open a buckin’ chute 267 times per evening.  And that is why I’m so thankful for the crazy, beautiful, chaotic life we have now.

I never want to forget the girl I was before I was your mama, because she helped make me who I am today.  And I pray that someday, a looonng time from now, you will find yourself an even better version of your mama.  And that you will come to love and appreciate her for who she was before you, and that you will make her a better version of herself like you have for me. 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens;” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Trying to be Prepared

I have had an October sunburn one time in my life… until yesterday.  The first October sunburn came on a Fall Break trip to Hilton Head Island.  It happened the first day on the beach.  I had properly applied sunscreen to my pale complexion, but had failed to double check the date on the sunscreen and it had expired a few months before.  The sun reflecting off the ocean turned me a few shades of raw, and needless to say, I now always check the sunscreen date before leaving for a beach vacation.  I like to be prepared. 

Yesterday, was the perfect, sunny, 90 degree, October day to go to the zoo.  I made sure (A) had packed snacks for (a), I made sure we had water, we worked very hard to convince our little cowboy to wear shorts and sandals instead of “cowboy clothes” so that he wouldn’t get to hot in his jeans and boots, we planned which stroller to take a long, we planned stops that needed to be made on the way home, but what I failed to prepare for was the intensity of the sun.  When we got home last night it was pretty obvious that I now have quite a lovely sunburn, because I wasn’t prepared with sunscreen.

I like to be prepared.  I like to know what’s coming and how I plan to deal with it.  I will admit, it is totally a control issue.  I like to be in control, I like to know what is around the next turn, and I like to be ready for it before it happens.  However, the last year of our lives has taught me some valuable lessons about what I can and can’t be prepared for.  There are things in life that are total out of my control.  Some things are going to blind-side you, somethings you see coming- but you can’t prevent, some things you know are going to happen eventually, but you don’t know when and so you can try to prepare for them, but when they do happen you still aren’t ready.  I have had to learn a lot about giving up control and learning to be prepared in different ways.

I’ve learned to prepare my heart by spending more time in God’s Word.  The more I read, and learn, and know, the more I feel ready to take on my day to day challenges.  I am more prepared now to forgive, and be vulnerable, to trust His promises, and see His faithfulness because I have spent a lot of time this last year preparing my heart in those areas through scripture. 

We have worked to prepare our marriage for strength in the everyday chaos by being intentional.  Lots of weeks the only date night we have means turning the TV to something that isn’t animated on Friday after (a) has gone to bed, or like yesterday, walking the rest of the zoo together while pushing the stroller with a sleeping kiddo.   But we have learned that those moments are what REAL life is made of, and instead of letting them pass by without noticing, its best to make the most of them and enjoy them.  The biggest part of our life together is happening in those little things, and if we do not choose to use them intentionally, we lose them. 

And while it is a never-ending job, we are trying to prepare our son to be a blessing to others, a servant, a leader, a contributor, a friend, and most importantly, a Christ-follower.  Right now those discussions sound more like lessons on not being rude, how to be a friend, don’t help yourself to other people’s food, being nice to your parents, taking a bath so you don’t stink, singing to all his favorite “church songs”, and how “Cowboys love Jesus, and I love Jesus!” It’s a work in progress… but I want to be prepared.

I can’t juggle everything life throws at me, and like the October sunburn, I often fail.  But when I can… I like to be prepared.

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have….” 1 Peter 3:15

It is Well

Saturday morning (a) woke me up early requesting chicken nuggets for breakfast.  (As luck would have it, I actually had a small package to fix him… that isn’t a staple food in our house haha!)  The air was the perfect combo of cool and crisp as the breeze blew in the open bedroom window.  As I walked toward the kitchen I took in a deep breath of the new fall scented air freshener I had plugged in the night before.  The early morning sunshine was streaming in the windows and we were not on any time limit.  That alone was the most wonderful, peaceful combination. 

(A) had a haircut and needed to mow, and the weather was absolutely PERFECT so (a) and I spent the morning on an adventure and the afternoon playing in the yard and cutting fresh flowers for the house.  That evening I drove to church for music practice and couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the last of the uncut soybean fields looked in the evening, orange sun.  And the chance to sing with a praise band for the first time in months resonated deep within my soul. 

Oh my word he was filthy dirty, but the sign in my laundry room reminds me often...
"The best days end with the dirtiest clothes."

If you are still reading at this point I’m sure you are about to quit because you could care less about the details of my Saturday, but I share them with you to tell you that it was nothing extravagant, nothing extraordinary.  It was a pretty low-key day.  But something about it gave me all the warm-fuzzies deep inside. 

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was until Sunday morning.  The worship service at church was fantastic, and I felt very blessed to be a part of the praise team that morning.  As the piano began to play the instrumental communion song I quickly recognized her choice of “It is Well with my Soul.”  And then it hit me.  For the first time in a looooonnnng time that is what that warm-fuzzy feeling was… it is well with my soul.

I know the history of that hymn.  It was written at a time of great grief and loss for the author.  A time when the only peace he could find was to rest in His Savior.

Transition is hard, finding a place to belong is hard, moving is hard, new jobs are hard, making friends is hard, finding new daycare is hard, helping a toddler adjust is hard, potty training said toddler is hard, missing the people you love is hard, Common Core Math is hard, dealing with all of those things at the exact same time is really hard… but the simple… that is where the peace is found.  Fresh cut flowers on the table, breathing in cool morning air, giggling with our dimple-faced cowboy, sunshine on my face, the smells of fall, morning snuggles, playing outside, using my voice for Jesus, watching college football with new friends… it is well with my soul. 

I’m so grateful to be finally finding some “mundane” in what has been a very hectic season of our life, and I pray that even in the busy of our work/school week I am able to catch glimpses of that SIMPLE… the place where peace is found.  Where in the calm, I can hear His voice and see His beauty and rest in His precious promises that He is holding me in the palm of His hand…where it is well with my soul.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7