Legacy is in the Living

Thursday night was a very special evening.  Some very dear friends threw a “Going Away Party” for our family as we leave our home and community of 10 years to begin our new ministry “’venture.”  It was a lovely evening filled with great food, and precious friends from many areas of our lives. 

As we greeted people and visited one thing kept sticking with me- legacy.  It is a word we have been talking about a lot in our house, because (A) has been planning a sermon series on it for the month of June.  Since we both speak publicly, we often bounce ideas off each other or talk about our plans when I have an event coming up or he is working on a complete sermon series.  We had been talking about legacy and about how you leave one, but that night it hit me more than usual.  Legacy isn’t just something you leave- its how you live.  A legacy isn’t something you prepare for right before you depart and then hope that people will remember you for it, and it isn’t your parting words to them.  It is WHO you are in the everyday things.

Just a few of the many precious cards we received

I listened that evening to people say “You were the first minister I’ve ever had who actually knew who I was.”  “I never felt like I could talk to the minister about things until you came along.”  “I’ll never forget you being there for me.”  “I had never really been involved in the church until you came and helped me find a place to belong.”  “You have meant so much to me, you made me feel like I mattered.”  “You guys are like family to us.”  “Did you know (A) prays for my son every day?”  I watched grown men who are strong- shed tears as they said their good-byes and precious women work hard in the heat to put on a dinner as a labor of love. 

As we finally got in the car to pull away that evening, I looked at (A) through the tears running down my face, and said- THAT is was legacy is.  It is not some final sermon given, or money left to endow a scholarship.  Legacy is how you live in the day to day, it is the way you make people feel, and the way that you show them you care.  Legacy is the time spent and the relationships formed.  Legacy is not just in the public appearances- but in the phone and text conversations, the check-ins during a hard time, showing up at ball games and choir concerts, stopping by funeral visitations, asking someone to be a part of your team, and praying over their needs.

And as I listening to people share with my husband that evening, it really made me think.  Do I always take the time to care about people as I should?  I’m so guilty of frantically working from a “to do” list, trying to cram in one more item that needs to be checked off, usually running late because I crammed in that one-more-thing, some days chasing my own tail over things that need to be accomplished.  Do I take the time to listen, REALLY listen, when a student wants to tell me what their dog did last night?  Do I remember to check up on people who are facing a hard week?  Sometimes I’m so busy with what needs to happen next, that I forget to live in the moment.  Hearing what others had to say to (A) was a gentle reminder to me… the legacy is in the living.  No one will ever remember what all I accomplished, but how I treated them and the way I cared.  And I can’t wait until later to start, because legacy doesn’t just come at the end (and we never know when that will be), legacy is in the living. 

“Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God, but our lives as well.”  1 Thessalonians 2:8

Adventure

On Mother’s Day, I really wanted to take a cute picture of (a) with my mom and myself, however he was pretty hyper and not in much of a mood to cooperate with all his Momma’s picture requests.  Thankfully my sister saved the day (as she usually does when it come to getting pictures of him) and made a deal with him that if he would smile nicely for the picture, they would go on an “adventure.”  He thought this was a good deal, so he posed for the picture and then started telling us over and over that he was going on a “venture!”  And adventure he did!! He ran and played and laughed through the Pioneer Village of Spring Mill State Park and THEN he convinced her to let him play in the creek until every part of him was soaking wet.  He had SO much fun, that now “go on a ‘venture!” is his new favorite phrase for everything we do.  Currently a trip to Wal-Mart even is a chance to “go on a ‘venture!” 

He was SO wet... and having SO much fun on his "'venture!"

Dictionary.com defines adventure as “an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.”  Right now, it feels like a lot of our life is an adventure.  Adventure is getting your house in pristine shape to put on the market in only one week’s time, then keeping it pristine (with a toddler living there!) through 8 showings in 6 days, accepting an offer on day 6, only to agree to immediate possession at closing which means you have to be out quickly, then realizing… uh we have no place to go with our stuff and our storage unit is full, but that storage facility does not have any more units available.  Adventure is learning how to navigate the hoops of fire you must jump through to get a reciprocal teaching license in another state while at the same time applying for new teaching jobs AND continuing to teach in your own classroom.  Adventure is the process of saying goodbye to all you have loved while opening your heart to all the new AND trying to remember all the names and faces that go with the new.  Adventure is realizing you need a PO box, because when you are between homes you have no permanent address to have your mail forwarded to.  Adventure is the huge blessing of a host family’s home and watching your toddler enjoy all the toys he is discovering there.  Adventure is leaving your husband in another state while you head back “home” to wrap up your life there… only to have a car wreck on the way home that now requires your time, energy, and attention to deal with.  Adventure is dealing with insurance.  Adventure is getting in the car to the low tire light on, only to discover you have a nail in your brand-new tire that is creating a slow leak.  Adventure is hoping the leak stays slow until you can get to the shop to get it fixed after school. 

Adventure requires waterproof mascara, grit, a good support system, a wonderful Christian counselor, running shoes, several texts and phone calls for help, and an extra portion of grace towards yourself when you realize you just can’t adventure alone.  Because, really? What fun would an adventure be if you didn’t share it with the people you love most?  And would an adventure even be worth trying if you couldn’t rely on the strength of a God who is so much stronger than yourself. 

When the adventure was really feeling extra difficult these last several days, a voice on the radio reminded me of the story of Gideon.  I always loved the Sunday School reenactment- “A sword for the Lord and for Gideon!” so I went back to Judges to re-read the account and I found God’s reply to Gideon when he also felt like this adventure was just more than he could handle.  “The Lord turned to him and said, ‘Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand.  Am I not sending you?’” (Judges 6:14).  Gideon had already admitted how incredibly weak he was, but the Lord sent him anyway in the little strength he did have, because God was going to provide all the strength he needed.  Right now, I feel a little like Gideon on this adventure, I am growing very weak from all that I have to accomplish, but I’m seeing that God will provide all the strength I need.  Strength to walk away from all I have known, strength to meet the unknown, strength to navigate the day to day.  After all, I have already seen the dew on the fleece, and then again the dew all around it.  Each step of the adventure He has shown that He will provide what I need to keep going. 

Several years ago, I found this sign as a gift for a women’s retreat.  I planned to give it away, but loved it so much I snapped this picture to keep as a reminder… “Adventure may hurt you, but monotony will kill you.”  I’d rather go on a big adventure dependent on the strength of the One going with me, than to die a slow death of monotony because it is easier.  It may hurt a little (or some days a lot), but I know in the end it is going to be worth it.  I’m glad I have a chance to “go on a ‘venture!”

“The Lord turned to Gideon and said, ‘Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand.  Am I not sending you?’ ‘Pardon me, my lord,’ Gideon replied, ‘but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.’ The Lord answered, ‘I will be with you’…”  Judges 6: 14-16

Hadn't Planned on Hannah

This weekend I celebrated my 3rd Mother's Day.  I  really think we get a glimpse of God’s love when we take a look at a mom

              

I was lucky enough to know this most of my life because I have an awesome mom, what I didn’t know was what God was going to teach me about his love when I became a mom

               

I’m a girl who has always loved the Old Testament, and Hannah has always been one of my favorite moms of the Bible. Her story is found in 1 Samuel chapter 1.  For YEARS she desperately prayed for a baby.  She watched her husband’s other wife give him children, but she couldn’t, and this other wife was constantly rubbing it in her face and mocking her for it.  Hannah promised God that if he would give her a child, she would give that child back to His service, and she stuck to that promise when God gave her a son, Samuel

I always admired Hannah for all of that, but thought that was it, she was a really cool Biblical mom that I admired…. I hadn’t planned on being Hannah.

I hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah… but then we found out that a baby might not be in the cards for us.  I had some health concerns that complicated things, and while I watched my friends around me get pregnant without even trying, I began to realize her struggle in wanting a baby of her own.  No one was mean, but the prodding questions never ended and the constant nagging wore on us.  I was SOOO tired of hearing it...  "Don't you know you aren't getting any younger?" (Trust me, I knew.)  "All your friends have babies!" (Trust me, I realized that.)  "Well, when are you all going to have some babies?" (Trust me, I wanted an answer to that question too.)

And when God worked out the kinks in my medical situation, and provided me with some great doctors, it was Hannah’s proclamation that we used to announce we were expecting “For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has given me what I asked of him” 1 Samuel 1:27.

This was our "social media announcement" when (a) was on the way.

But I still hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah… I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to “give up” this baby of mine. This baby required over 200 daily shots of blood thinner that I had to give myself straight to my belly, a super strict diet for gestational diabetes (and four more needle sticks a day), and very careful planning for a pregnancy with no weight gain (per drs orders).  Then we had to add more meds because the blood thinner made me anemic.  Add in the fact that he was totally breech and required a planned c-section for the safety of both of us (which I was TOTALLY fine with), but then I had some rough complications after delivery.  Keeping this baby and I healthy had taken a LOT of work, and he was going to be MINE. 

Now, this part of the story is hard to admit, because I know some of you reading this will judge me harshly for it, but I had a very hard time when we found out this baby we had prayed for was going to be a boy.  See, I DESPERATELY wanted a girl.

- A little girl with blue eyes like mine who I could dress up with frills and bows and glitter. 

-A girl I could giggle with and wear matching clothes as we posed for “Mommy and Me” pictures. 

-I had even seen her face in dreams… she had bright eyes, long lashes, and was wrapped in a purple polka-dotted blanket.

But as soon as the ultrasound tech put the cold jelly on my belly, it was very obvious that I was not getting a little girl.  I was grateful for a healthy baby, but cried my eyes out for days at all my hopes and dreams of what I would do with my daughter came crashing down around me.  I was raised with all girls… I knew nothing about boys. I was terrified at the very thought of boys.  The boys in my classroom that year were rude and said nasty things and drove me bonkers.  We had a girl name picked out, but nothing for a boy.  All my Pinterest picks were for girls… and I was getting a boy.  I was terrified to admit it, because I knew people would consider me ungrateful or ridiculous, but it was how I felt and it took months to change that. And I wish I could say that all that changed the moment I saw his face… but truthfully it didn’t.  He was beautiful and sweet, and soooo good, and I did love him… but I wasn’t sure what to do with a boy or how to bond with a boy. 

However, I started watching other people bond with this little boy and was quickly amazed.  My husband turned in to someone I had never known before… emotional, protective, helpful, sensitive, SO proud- (a) is TOTALLY a Daddy’s boy!  My sister had had a rough year, and (a) became her brightest ray of sunshine.  My great aunt, in her 90s, anxiously waits for his visits to her nursing home.  This child truly has an uncanny ability to make people happy and to connect with people by his smile and genuine sweet spirit (it is truly a work of God, not his parents).  (A) often takes him to shut-in calls, and even hospice visits.

So, I hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah.  But one day, at about his first birthday, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Some things I couldn’t explain had happened over the last year, and I began to understand, on a small scale, what Hannah must have felt.  I was listening to my husband tell yet another story of how our son was brightening the day of a shut-in he had gone to visit… and I very audibly heard God’s voice tell me this little boy was not mine.  I may have gone through the hard work of giving him life, but he was not mine. 

We had used Hannah’s announcement from 1 Samuel 1:27, but I now knew what she meant in verse 28 when she went on to say “So now I give him over to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”  This little boy is not mine, because he belongs to the Lord. 

The story of Cadi was the last straw in my realization… and it brought me to tears… Just a couple weeks after (a) turned one, he had one of those toddler boy accidents where he fell and busted his lip pretty badly.  Being a cheap skate mom, I almost "just put some ice on it" since it was a Sunday morning and the ONLY option in our town on Sunday is the ER, but it looked pretty bad so I went ahead and took him in.  Kadi was our nurse.  She was super sweet and we visited as she prepped him for his stitches.  She just kept going on and on about how sweet and calm he was in this situation, and he won her over with his dimples (as he tends to do).  As we held him down for his stitches I made a passing comment apologizing that my husband wasn't there to help, but he was actually preaching our church's first service sermon at the time.  She asked the name of the church and where it was.  I told her, but didn't think much more of it.  The next Sunday, my husband slipped in the pew beside me during the song service and asked if I recognized the lady sitting to my right and a few rows back.  I glanced over my shoulder as he whispered "Her name is..." and I finished his sentence with "Kadi... and she was our ER nurse last weekend!"  When she came in she told (A) (in appropriate HIPPA compliance!) simply that she had met our son the weekend before and she was so impressed with what a sweet little boy he was, that she wanted to try out his church.  Their family had moved to town a few months before and had found very little success finding a church where they felt at home.  They had basically given up, when she met (a).  Tears ran down my face when I realized our one-year-old was bringing people into the church.  He truly is NOT mine, he belongs to God.   

I finally saw what Hannah meant…. God gave me this little boy to love and cherish and protect and nurture, but he is NOT mine…. And that realization helped some other things make sense.  If I had gotten the girl I wanted, that would have been for ME, for my joy and purposes and hopes and dreams.  But God gave me a boy to help me understand He belongs to the Lord, and I pray he and I remember that for all of his life.

              

I hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah…. But God had other plans and other lessons to teach me.  I still have so much to learn, and I know it will change with every stage of motherhood.  But I thank God that he loves me enough to patiently teach me these lessons about love along the journey.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28

Beautiful Goodbyes

I’ll never forget standing at my great-grandmother’s bedside on that Sunday afternoon.  I was 13 and old enough to know I was there to say good-bye.  But I remember feeling at a loss for what to say- what DO you say to someone you adored and cherished, someone with whom you had made a million memories and shared a lot of love?  I didn’t know what to say, so I talked to her like I always had- telling her about my week and sharing things I thought she would be proud of me for.  I was going to be trying out for choir that week, she and I loved to sit at the piano and I sang as she played.  I told her many times that I loved her and then that I would see her later.  I knew walking out that our “see you later” would be in heaven.  That goodbye was so hard for me, but I also knew I was blessed to have had 13 special years of memories with her, I realized many of my friends had not had as much time with their great-grandparents or the kind of special relationship we had shared.  Hard goodbyes are beautiful, because they represent so much love and life shared.  But there was also beauty in that goodbye because I knew what was coming- she had faithfully loved Jesus for many years and was headed for someplace so much better. 

With our quickly approaching move, the goodbye process has begun in our life.  We have started sharing “goodbye” dinners with dear friends, and family gatherings are planned.  On Sunday my amazing Praise Team friends threw us a farewell luncheon.  Yesterday, I submitted my formal resignation letter from my teaching job and after school the realtor came to officially list the house and put the “For Sale” sign in our front yard.  And I can’t lie- those things were HARD.  I don’t always know what to say in those “goodbye moments.”  How do you tell people just how much they have meant to you, and how grateful you have been for the opportunities they have given you?  But here is what I keep telling (A), how BLESSED are we to be having such hard goodbyes!  Hard goodbyes are beautiful, because they represent so much love and life shared.  If it was easy to walk away from friends and jobs and ministries, would we really have had anything invested?  (A) admitted that pulling into the drive from work and seeing the sign in the yard while (a) was in the backseat cheering “My house!!” was hard- but hard in a beautiful way because this home has held so much love and laughter, happy memories and ministry moments.  And here is what else I know, there is beauty in these goodbyes because we know what’s coming.

For us, what’s coming is a wonderful church family that has already showered us with love and anticipation.  Last weekend my dad brought a truck and trailer to help me move another load of things from our home to our storage unit in our new town.  I simply sent ONE text message on Friday morning letting a friend know that we were headed out that afternoon and I wondered if there might be a couple people available to help us unload.  When we pulled up to the storage facility that evening, there were more people than I could count waiting on us to help.  We then had dinner together and they gave my dad the “grand tour” of our new church facilities.  My heart continues to be overwhelmed with what is coming- we feel so loved.  And before we left that evening, my sweet Daddy admitted to our new church family that this goodbye was really hard for him because he and (a) are best buddies, but he understands now the joy that’s coming in our lives because of this new opportunity. 

There was a gorgeous sunset reflecting off the side of the church building as we pulled up Friday evening.  It felt like such a symbol of the joy that's coming and the excitement I feel each time we have pulled in to the parking lot.

In this season of hard goodbyes, I will continue to “defer to grateful” for the beauty that is in them, and the beauty in what is coming.  If you are one of my hard goodbyes, and I say it with a smile instead of tears, know it is because I’m SO happy for what we have shared.  And if you are part of the joy that’s coming, THANK YOU for giving us so much to look forward to.  The Lord gives GOOD gifts to his children, and I am so thankful for the gift of beauty in hard goodbyes.

“…weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning… You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart my sing your praises and not be silent.” Psalm 30:5, 11-12

Out of the Boat

Back in the fall I knew this moment was coming.  I didn’t know when or where it would be, but I knew the moment was coming- the one where Jesus said to get out of the boat and come toward him on the water.  Though we had no idea where the location would be, or what the situation would be, I knew a couple months in to our journey of transition that God was preparing my heart to be uprooted.  In the beginning, I didn’t want to admit it.  I was so hopeful our call back into ministry would find us close enough that I could keep the teaching job I love, that we could stay in the house I love, that much of what was familiar could stay the same, but fairly quickly God began whispering in my soul that this would not be the case.  He kept reminding me, that he was preparing my heart to go. 

Words like “go” and “come” are so small, and seem so simple, but can be hard to make happen sometimes.  It seems like my toddler always wants to do the opposite “COME here, and help Mommy pick up your toys,” does not always result in him right beside me.  “Please GO play with your toys while Mommy makes dinner,” ALWAYS results in him right beside me.  The dog wants to COME in when she isn’t supposed to, but doesn’t want to GO back out when I ask.  Third graders want to GO to the bathroom right in the middle of class, but when given a whole-group break to do so always COME straight back to the line without a break to be first in line.

The account in Matthew 14 of Jesus walking on the water has long been one of my favorite stories of the New Testament, but it wasn’t until after a recent sermon that I went back and took a closer look at the story.  Somehow, one of the main realities I often overlooked in that story is that the disciples in the boat were struggling with a storm.  It says the boat was being “buffeted by the waves, because the wind was against it” about the time that Jesus heads across the lake walking on the water.  And it is while the wind is still blowing that Peter asks Jesus for confirmation that it is really Him by calling “Lord, if it’s you tell me to come to you on the water.” And Jesus simply answers… “Come.”  That’s when Peter stepped out of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus.  I can only imagine what that fear felt like, but I can also only imagine how COOL it must have been to experience WALKING ON THE WATER!! And I realized something else, Peter only got to experience walking with Jesus like never before when he was willing to do something he had never done before… at Jesus’s call “Come” he stepped out of the boat. 

Several weeks ago, while we were still feeling the effects of the wind and the waves, we heard Jesus say “Come.”  We were at a church in Southern Illinois, and something just felt different about it.  Through the process of preparing to go back into ministry we have been in SO many wonderful churches, and met SO many amazing people, but finding just the right fit for both the church and the minister’s family is a tricky process.  Since the very, very beginning of our search we prayed for clarity.  Clarity that we would always KNOW either yes, this is it, or no, not yet.  When friends and family asked how they could pray for us, we have always used the word “clarity.”  With a few friends it even became almost comical because they would ask how to pray, and then chuckle and say “I know, I know, CLARITY.”  While this church had many of ministry aspects we were looking for as a family, God also made it clear He had a plan for us there too.  Before church that day, one of the elders asked to pray with (A) and I in a little prayer room off to the side of the hall.  Of course we said yes, and as he prayed for us and the church that morning in that little room, he specifically asked God to give us all CLARITY.  And I began to cry, because you see he had no idea that was our “word”, our key phrase, the one thing we had specifically been praying about for months.  After the prayer was over and he walked out of the room, I looked at (A) through my tears and said, “There’s no way he could have known.” To which (A) agreed, no, there’s no way.  That was our call from God, “Come.” 

And a few weeks later when it was finalized, (A) and I realized this is our chance to step out of the boat.  We are leaving our home, our friends, our family, my beloved teaching job, things I NEVER wanted to walk away from, things I NEVER dreamed I’d leave.  But here is what I know, and what I am most excited about, we are going to get to experience walking with Jesus like NEVER before, because we are doing something we have NEVER done before… we are stepping out of the boat.

(And P.S. our new church family is INCREDIBLE and we are SO excited to get out there and get started!)

“Lord, if it is you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said.  Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  Matthew 14:29