Hadn't Planned on Hannah

This weekend I celebrated my 3rd Mother's Day.  I  really think we get a glimpse of God’s love when we take a look at a mom

              

I was lucky enough to know this most of my life because I have an awesome mom, what I didn’t know was what God was going to teach me about his love when I became a mom

               

I’m a girl who has always loved the Old Testament, and Hannah has always been one of my favorite moms of the Bible. Her story is found in 1 Samuel chapter 1.  For YEARS she desperately prayed for a baby.  She watched her husband’s other wife give him children, but she couldn’t, and this other wife was constantly rubbing it in her face and mocking her for it.  Hannah promised God that if he would give her a child, she would give that child back to His service, and she stuck to that promise when God gave her a son, Samuel

I always admired Hannah for all of that, but thought that was it, she was a really cool Biblical mom that I admired…. I hadn’t planned on being Hannah.

I hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah… but then we found out that a baby might not be in the cards for us.  I had some health concerns that complicated things, and while I watched my friends around me get pregnant without even trying, I began to realize her struggle in wanting a baby of her own.  No one was mean, but the prodding questions never ended and the constant nagging wore on us.  I was SOOO tired of hearing it...  "Don't you know you aren't getting any younger?" (Trust me, I knew.)  "All your friends have babies!" (Trust me, I realized that.)  "Well, when are you all going to have some babies?" (Trust me, I wanted an answer to that question too.)

And when God worked out the kinks in my medical situation, and provided me with some great doctors, it was Hannah’s proclamation that we used to announce we were expecting “For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has given me what I asked of him” 1 Samuel 1:27.

This was our "social media announcement" when (a) was on the way.

But I still hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah… I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to “give up” this baby of mine. This baby required over 200 daily shots of blood thinner that I had to give myself straight to my belly, a super strict diet for gestational diabetes (and four more needle sticks a day), and very careful planning for a pregnancy with no weight gain (per drs orders).  Then we had to add more meds because the blood thinner made me anemic.  Add in the fact that he was totally breech and required a planned c-section for the safety of both of us (which I was TOTALLY fine with), but then I had some rough complications after delivery.  Keeping this baby and I healthy had taken a LOT of work, and he was going to be MINE. 

Now, this part of the story is hard to admit, because I know some of you reading this will judge me harshly for it, but I had a very hard time when we found out this baby we had prayed for was going to be a boy.  See, I DESPERATELY wanted a girl.

- A little girl with blue eyes like mine who I could dress up with frills and bows and glitter. 

-A girl I could giggle with and wear matching clothes as we posed for “Mommy and Me” pictures. 

-I had even seen her face in dreams… she had bright eyes, long lashes, and was wrapped in a purple polka-dotted blanket.

But as soon as the ultrasound tech put the cold jelly on my belly, it was very obvious that I was not getting a little girl.  I was grateful for a healthy baby, but cried my eyes out for days at all my hopes and dreams of what I would do with my daughter came crashing down around me.  I was raised with all girls… I knew nothing about boys. I was terrified at the very thought of boys.  The boys in my classroom that year were rude and said nasty things and drove me bonkers.  We had a girl name picked out, but nothing for a boy.  All my Pinterest picks were for girls… and I was getting a boy.  I was terrified to admit it, because I knew people would consider me ungrateful or ridiculous, but it was how I felt and it took months to change that. And I wish I could say that all that changed the moment I saw his face… but truthfully it didn’t.  He was beautiful and sweet, and soooo good, and I did love him… but I wasn’t sure what to do with a boy or how to bond with a boy. 

However, I started watching other people bond with this little boy and was quickly amazed.  My husband turned in to someone I had never known before… emotional, protective, helpful, sensitive, SO proud- (a) is TOTALLY a Daddy’s boy!  My sister had had a rough year, and (a) became her brightest ray of sunshine.  My great aunt, in her 90s, anxiously waits for his visits to her nursing home.  This child truly has an uncanny ability to make people happy and to connect with people by his smile and genuine sweet spirit (it is truly a work of God, not his parents).  (A) often takes him to shut-in calls, and even hospice visits.

So, I hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah.  But one day, at about his first birthday, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Some things I couldn’t explain had happened over the last year, and I began to understand, on a small scale, what Hannah must have felt.  I was listening to my husband tell yet another story of how our son was brightening the day of a shut-in he had gone to visit… and I very audibly heard God’s voice tell me this little boy was not mine.  I may have gone through the hard work of giving him life, but he was not mine. 

We had used Hannah’s announcement from 1 Samuel 1:27, but I now knew what she meant in verse 28 when she went on to say “So now I give him over to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.”  This little boy is not mine, because he belongs to the Lord. 

The story of Cadi was the last straw in my realization… and it brought me to tears… Just a couple weeks after (a) turned one, he had one of those toddler boy accidents where he fell and busted his lip pretty badly.  Being a cheap skate mom, I almost "just put some ice on it" since it was a Sunday morning and the ONLY option in our town on Sunday is the ER, but it looked pretty bad so I went ahead and took him in.  Kadi was our nurse.  She was super sweet and we visited as she prepped him for his stitches.  She just kept going on and on about how sweet and calm he was in this situation, and he won her over with his dimples (as he tends to do).  As we held him down for his stitches I made a passing comment apologizing that my husband wasn't there to help, but he was actually preaching our church's first service sermon at the time.  She asked the name of the church and where it was.  I told her, but didn't think much more of it.  The next Sunday, my husband slipped in the pew beside me during the song service and asked if I recognized the lady sitting to my right and a few rows back.  I glanced over my shoulder as he whispered "Her name is..." and I finished his sentence with "Kadi... and she was our ER nurse last weekend!"  When she came in she told (A) (in appropriate HIPPA compliance!) simply that she had met our son the weekend before and she was so impressed with what a sweet little boy he was, that she wanted to try out his church.  Their family had moved to town a few months before and had found very little success finding a church where they felt at home.  They had basically given up, when she met (a).  Tears ran down my face when I realized our one-year-old was bringing people into the church.  He truly is NOT mine, he belongs to God.   

I finally saw what Hannah meant…. God gave me this little boy to love and cherish and protect and nurture, but he is NOT mine…. And that realization helped some other things make sense.  If I had gotten the girl I wanted, that would have been for ME, for my joy and purposes and hopes and dreams.  But God gave me a boy to help me understand He belongs to the Lord, and I pray he and I remember that for all of his life.

              

I hadn’t planned to feel like Hannah…. But God had other plans and other lessons to teach me.  I still have so much to learn, and I know it will change with every stage of motherhood.  But I thank God that he loves me enough to patiently teach me these lessons about love along the journey.

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.  So now I give him to the Lord.  For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:27-28