What Hasn't Been Taken

This year has been unlike any other in my life.  I think “cancelled” is one of the words I have heard more in 2020 than I ever care to hear the rest of my life.  On my sparse calendar there were still two events in September that I was really looking forward to.  One was the bicentennial celebration at my home church and the other was a women’s retreat where I was going to be teaching.  However, on Monday this week my mom texted to let me know the church had cancelled the bicentennial celebration.  Then on Tuesday, the women’s retreat coordinator called me to pull the plug on that event as well.  I was pretty heartbroken. 

 

I am ashamed to admit that my first thought was pretty crude as I just wanted to scream, “2020 sucks.”  All I could think about was how many things we have missed out on this year.  We were supposed to be at church camp this week- one of our favorite parts of summer.  I’m preparing for a school year with no convocations, no PE, no recess, no field trips, no group science projects, no language arts board games, and no visible smiles.  And that is just this week’s list of disappointments and worries.  Everyone I know could go on and on about the weddings moved, graduations cancelled, proms that didn’t happen, new babies with no grandparent visits at the hospital, and so many other things.  As I found myself wanting to throw a huge pity party I had to stop.  I felt myself going down the rabbit hole of sadness and anger, and before I could get the words out about how angry I was at all 2020 had taken away, a gentle whisper reminded me of what 2020 had GIVEN me.

 

I was given more time home with the boys than I would have had in any normal year.  In that time, I watched them grow and develop a little more each day.  I have been given more snuggles and giggles than usual.  We were given more family dinners than we have ever had as (A)’s evening meetings and engagements were scaled way back.  We were given more trips to the farm than the last 2 summers allowed.  My grandparents move to the farm in 2020 has given me more time with them this year than the last several years combined.  I was given more time to work on projects both inside and outside the house.  I have had the opportunity to read more books for pleasure than usual.  Even some of the crazy events had a silver lining- such as not needing to worry about sub plans for school when I had my emergency extraction of all 4 wisdom teeth (and the money we were saving by not going to daycare was available to pay for the procedure).  And our extra time out of the building allowed my school a BEAUTIFUL face lift with a renovation grant we received pre-pandemic. 

 

When I focus on what was taken from us this year the heartbreak is overwhelming, but when I focus on what we were given my heart is much more thankful.  2020 may have taken all the events off of my calendar, but it is not going to take my joy.

 

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

When the Time is Right

Yesterday, my sister, (a), and I went on a special adventure.  We climbed in her truck and headed to central Kentucky to pick up (a)’s new pony, Snoopy.  Now if you know us personally you might be counting and realize that he now has 3 ponies, but this one is extra special- he isn’t another pony for the farm in Indiana.  Snoopy is coming to live at our house in Illinois.  Back in March when the world shut down, we had more time at home for projects, and we made a promise to a little cowboy. He had been begging for a pony to keep at our house so he could ride much more often than just when we came to the farm in Indiana.  We promised him that if he would help with the work, we would dedicate a space in our barn and build some fence so we could get a pony for our house.  And thus began the project he has referred to as “the pony palace” for the last several months. 

(a) and Snoopy were fast friends in about 2 minutes

Building pony fence with his Poppa Loran

 I talked to my mom about “the pony palace” project several times over the months.  He was SO excited and I had to share giggles about all the funny things he said in his excitement.  But I also shared with her my concerns about actually finding the right pony.  See, awesome kid ponies are kind of like unicorns, they are pretty tricky to find.  By nature, lots of ponies are kind of ornery, persnickety creatures.  We were looking for one that was so gentle our cowboy could waller all over it, already broke to ride like a pro because the rider is still learning, and didn’t have any ornery habits like biting or kicking.  My sister is amazing and had been on the hunt for quite a while through her many equine connections, but one day several weeks ago as I was talking to mom, I was just feeling bummed at the wait/trickiness of finding a good one.  Mom said something very wise (as she always does).  She told me, “when the time is right, the right one will come along.”  Those words have resonated with me nearly every day since. 

 

It made me think of all the times I life I didn’t want to wait for things.  In high school I would have loved a cute boyfriend like so many of my friends had.  Coming out of college I wanted the perfect teaching job like many of my friends in bigger cities were landing.  Six years into marriage I wanted a baby like our friends were snuggling.  When we accepted our new ministry in Illinois I wanted to have a new house picked out before our house in Indiana sold. I could go on and on… but each time MY timing wasn’t right.  But God is gracious, and in His perfect timing the right one came along.  The right guy came along to be a great husband and walk through life with me.  The right teaching positions came along to mold me and make me the educator I am today.  The right doctors walked beside us to help give us two wonderful, healthy little boys.  The right home for our family (with plenty of room to welcome a pony) came along right after we sold our house.  When the time was RIGHT… the right one came along.

 

And like she usually is, Mom was right.  Snoopy is super sweet, gentle, and exactly right for our cowboy.  They were fast friends complete with hugs and kisses in a matter of minutes, and within 10 minutes of his pit stop at the farm they were having a VERY successful first ride together.

 

I realize the “right” pony pales in comparison to the right husband, kids, career, and home.  But this pony had been the daily prayer of a 4-year-old boy (and truthfully his parents) for months, and our new pal, Snoopy, is the perfect reminder of how God cares for even the smallest details, the sparrows of the air, the lilies of the field, or in our case- the pony of our pasture.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

Mayhem Memories

On Saturday morning, I was working in the kitchen when (b) emerged from the hallway soaking wet, smelling minty fresh, and grinning from ear to ear.  I quickly panicked as I announced “Why do you smell minty?” and went looking for the source of the situation.  Didn’t take me long to find an entire bottle of mouthwash spilled all over the bathroom floor.

 

On Monday morning, I ran to the bedroom for just a minute to grab something and began hearing cries from the kitchen.  I went running back to the kitchen to discover (b) had opened the cabinet under the sink and found the large, sticky glue mouse trap that I kept under there “just in case.”  But when I say he “found” it, I mean he had it stuck to his arm, leg, and pacifier and more was all over the floor.  It was a mess of EPIC proportion.  After I cleaned it all up (and cried a little) I called (A) to inform him he was not allowed to go to bed that night until he had installed the cabinet child locks that I had been asking him to do for several days. 

 

I was replaying the scenarios to my mom and sisters on our family group text when one of my sisters jokingly suggested we should nickname that cutie “Mayhem” after the popular insurance commercial where a man calling himself “Mayhem” continually shows up causing issues and messes.  We got a good laugh out of it, but then he illustrated it perfectly on Wednesday while we were having a lake day with friends and he showed off his intensely messy “lake hair” along with the disaster of a melty chocolate chip granola bar.  He sure is cute, but makes me giggle as I remember that parenting isn’t for the faint of heart.

 

However, while cleaning this week I had to pause a moment and think about how fleeting the days are.  I was tackling all the bathroom mirrors for water spots and smudges, and while I had the glass cleaner out I headed for the patio door as well.  This door is always COVERED with fingerprints as both boys stand there frequently watching the wildlife in the yard, looking at Daddy mow, checking what the weather is up to, or watching each other.  But as I started to spray down the messy window as I often do, this week I just couldn’t do it.  I looked at those little fingerprints and thought about how quickly they are growing.  Once I wipe them away that size will be gone forever as they grow a little each day, and while I do not want to stop them from growing, I want to remember each precious memory every little sticky fingerprint holds. 

 

At dinner last night (a) informed me “I’m sorry Mama, (b) and I are growing up, and you can’t stop us!” To which I paused reflectively and then responded, “I know buddy, and I wouldn’t want you to stop, because that would mean something is wrong.” Despite the mayhem, the messy, and the chaos, these are the things that memories are made of, because (a) is right, they are growing up, I can’t stop them, and I don’t want to.  So if you stop by and see fingerprints all over my patio door, just know I’m holding on to those mayhem memories.

 

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy…” Philippians 1: 3-4

Pulling and Peace

This week it started to get real.  We are just over a month from the beginning of the school year in my district, and preliminary plans for our reopening were released to teachers.  After receiving the first email on Monday, I simply sat and cried.  I can’t wrap my head around how we are going to adjust to all the new practices, figure out the logistics of spatial issues, meet very real social/emotional needs of our students, AND accomplish anything academic (especially teaching 2 grades in one room where small group instruction around my table has been the key to differentiating for everyone’s academic needs/standards).  My heart aches to know I won’t be able to show my smiling face to them at the front of the room when I am proud of them, or they make me laugh, or we have a major educational breakthrough.  To make it more complicated, we were reminded that this is all preliminary and will most likely change a few times before school begins as state regulations are updated nearly every day.  I realize that no matter what safety practices we have in place there were will people who are unhappy with us.  For some it will be too much, for others it will be too little.  I took a quick visit to my classroom yesterday to do some measuring/visualizing as I try to map out a new room set-up for the year.  After doing so, my heart was simply broken for the rest of the day.  I feel completely inadequate to provide my students what they deserve from me this year.

Those feelings of inadequacy followed me through the rest of the day.  I felt like a bad mom because (b) climbed on and then jumped off the couch and bloodied his nose while I was paying attention to something (a) was doing.  I felt like a bad wife because dinner was a hodgepodge of leftovers for the second night in a row.  I felt like a failure at keeping our house in order as I didn’t start a load of laundry until 7:00 in the evening, and I looked outside to see just how badly the weeds had gotten a hold of my flowerbeds over the last two weeks while I was preoccupied with birthday parties, a baby shower, and getting our barn & fence ready for a new pony that is arriving soon. 

After dinner, our sweet boys had more physical energy than I had mental energy, and a cool front had blown through making the heat much more bearable- so I told (A) he was on duty for a while and I headed out to tackle the weeds.  I though the pulling would be cathartic (and I knew that while they were at a manageable point right now, they were just a couple days from completely out of control!) 

As I began pulling, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that it was July, and July has always been one of my favorite months.  For most of my life, July was the National Jr. Angus Show, for 10 years it was the 4-H fair, for all of my married life July was our main church camp month, and for many years it was Mary Kay seminar.  This year I will still get to watch some of those things virtually, but other events just aren’t happening at all.  As another piece of my heart broke thinking about it, I began praying for peace.  Peace as I begin processing what this school year means.  Peace as I cope with missing things I have always loved.  Peace to know that I am the mom for the job with these boys- even on days when they get minor injuries or have more energy than I do.  Peace to know that I can navigate the transition back to my classroom while I also help my boys navigate back to daycare/preschool with a lot of new regulations.  And as I prayed for peace, I was taken back to two conversations in particular.  One with my mom where she reminded me that I will tackle this school year just like any other.  Sure the challenges are HUGE, but this is education- the challenges are huge every year, and my colleagues and I will rise to them, because we are educators, that is what we do!  The other conversation I was reminded of was a similar one I had a few years ago with a principal who I hugely respected.  He remined me even in hard times, that we are educators, and we will find a way to do what is best for our students, that’s who we are and what we do. 

While I don’t know what it’s all going to look like when school opens, or how I am going to balance those challenges with the adjustments it will mean for my family, I do know this- the giver of all peace goes before us.  And He will provide all that I need.

And by the time I had talked it all out with Him- my flower beds looked MUCH better, I walked in the house to find the boys already asleep for the night, AND I discovered those personalized sports Fatheads aren’t too expensive… so guess who’s smiling face is STILL going to be at the front of my classroom 😉

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

As for Me and My House

It has happened, we have entered the stage of parenthood where you start participating in extracurricular activities.  For many families it is little league baseball, soccer, or pee wee basketball.  At our house it is jr rodeo.  Our cowboy has been pretty amped up about it since his first mutton bustin’ (where little guys ride a sheep) last fall, and so this summer we have let him become a member of the local youth rodeo organization and he is participating in their summer series of 6 rodeos.

Our first rodeo was a muddy mess in a torrential downpour.  The car had to be pulled out with a tractor afterwards and I have never dealt with so much muddy laundry in my life… but some things happened that day that moved my mom-heart pretty deeply.  Despite the mud, (a) had a BLAST and he was so proud of himself for being brave and tough.  And while he was in line waiting for one of his events, he started visiting with another little boy.  The other child’s belt buckle caught his eye, and (a) struck up a conversation with the first line, “I like your belt buckle!”  They went on to discuss their different events, giggle about their ponies, and before I knew it, on his own, (a) stuck out his hand to shake hands with his new friend, (md), and introduced himself by name.  When we got ready to leave he wanted to make sure to tell him good-bye and told me, “Mama, I want to go tell (md) he did a great job!”  There are SO many things we are failing at as parents, but I felt like he is listening to a few things we are trying to teach him when he could shake hands with another young man and make sure to tell him (a competitor) that he did a great job.  When we went to our next rodeo a few weeks later, the boys were so excited to see each other again.  The jabbered, and giggled, and let (md)’s mom snap an adorable picture of them.  His mom and I talked about our jobs and our churches, and how thankful we were to see our boys making friends.

Once again, at the second rodeo something happened that moved me, to tears actually, that I was not prepared for.  As with many sporting events, the day started with the presentation of the flag and the singing of the national anthem.  After that, the announcer prayed for the day- not a generic politically correct prayer, but a real prayer, in the name of Jesus, for the safety of the participants and thanksgiving for the opportunity to do what they love.  Of course, that is something I have heard all my life, but on that day, it hit me in a VERY emotional way.  Just the day before I had seen the news briefly, and rioters were burning an American flag while defacing a statue of George Washington.  My heart has been so broken as I have watched things unfolding for the last several months.  So many things are polarizing our country right now, pitting brother against brother, friend against friend.  It seems like everything I see is politically charged from one side or the other, people are attacking each other over differing views- whether it is about racial equality, wearing of masks, or who we should vote for in November.  It feels like the world has lost its ability to respectfully discuss things, to care about others, or to consider that you as an individual might not be the center of the universe.  As a mom, I watch the things happening around us and I am truly terrified for the world my boys might face.  If I think about it too much it is paralyzing.  I fear they might see a day where democracy ceases to exist, a day where they might be persecuted for their faith, or a day where it will be hard to still be friends with people who don’t see the world EXACTLY like they do. 

As the flag was presented that day and The Star-Spangled Banner was sung, I was unprepared for the tears that came flowing down my cheeks.  As I looked around the arena at everyone standing and men holding their cowboy hats over their hearts, all I could think of was the verse from Joshua“As for me and my house…”  I cannot control the world around me, I cannot control how others feel, and think and act, I cannot control what is happening in Washington… but (A) and I can focus on what happens in OUR house.  We can raise young men who still stand for the flag- does she represent a perfect country, no, of course there are terrible, sad parts of our past that we need to continue to learn from and change for the future, but we can respect what she stands for and all the freedoms that men and women have laid down their lives for.  We can raise young men who want to be friends with others- no matter what their back ground is, what they look like, where they are from, or what their political views are- young men who respect differences, learn from others, and can still be friends at the end of the day when they don’t see everything eye to eye.  We can raise young men who cling to their faith, even if it isn’t always the popular thing to do, who will do the right thing even when it’s hard, and stand up for others when they need a friend.  I can’t fix all the problems in this world, I can’t change other people, but for me and my house- we will serve the Lord and do our best to stand on His Word and His values. 

When the flag left the arena and the prayer was over, I had to pull myself together.  In a world that seems so scary right now, I had a little peek of perspective.  There are still wonderful, happy things happening, there are still people who cheer for each other, build each other up, help each other out, there are still good people serving as role models for my children, and there are opportunities for them to bring the change I hope to see in the world.  And I pray that there are other families standing on that hope as well… As for me and my house…

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15