Everyday Miracles

Some days I look around and think, “It’s going to take a miracle…” to get all these papers graded this evening, to get this house ready for company, to simply stay awake longer than our son, to get my health insurance to cooperate, to get all the laundry folded…

But other days I look around and realize I’m constantly experiencing everyday miracles.  For goodness sakes- we have kept a goldfish alive for almost 2 years!!!  But moving past our goldfish pal… yesterday was one of those fun days where we got a “sneak peek” at baby number 2.  I can’t lie, I love being pregnant.  I know I am fortunate to be able to say that, not everyone feels the same way, but despite a lengthy list on paper of reasons it should feel difficult and scary for me… I feel GOOD.  Maybe it is the fact that I’m just so incredibly grateful for the opportunity- there was a time we didn’t know if we would ever experience this journey.  Getting to look on that screen and see tiny, tiny fingers, and itty bitty toes makes joy leak out of my eyes a little bit.  I know babies are born all over the world every day, but to clearly see such tiny little features on someone who is the size of an avocado, feels like such a miracle to me.

This coming weekend we will celebrate 3 years of everyday miracles with the Cowboy.  I have no idea how three years has passed so quickly, but I am constantly amazed at the stages of development we experience every day.  After leaving the dr last night, I picked up (a) and we headed to the local farm store in search of a cake topper for the “rodeo arena” cake he has picked out for his party this weekend.  We weren’t in any crazy hurry, so let him enjoy the trip at his speed.  Now, if you are ever looking for a random fun time, take a small cowboy to the farm store.  As soon as you walk in the door there is life-size Holstein cow with a built in bench.  We of course had to stop and take a seat.  Then there is the excitement of kid-sized carts to drive around the store… which happened to be right by the boot section.  He LOVES cowboy boots, and had to put 3 different pairs that he announced he needed in his little cart (he was putting them in faster than I could pull them back out).  He then began strutting down the aisle checking out anything interesting to him.  He put a block of cheese in his cart, a toy combine, and then abruptly changed directions and announced “Oh!! We need to see da piggies!!”  I told him I wasn’t sure what piggies he was talking about and that maybe we should keep going.  He turned around and continued for a nano second before flipping back toward me (cart on two wheels) to say that he needed to go see the bunnies and chicks.  Before we could get there though, he was distracted by two pig statues.  One was wearing a cowboy hat and pushing the other in a shopping cart- when you are almost three that sight is apparently hysterical.  He then discovered plastic cat and dog heads, which of course had to be tried on while making the appropriate noise and saying “Hey! Who turned out the lights!??” 

I will spare you all the rest of the details of the trip, but we DID find a rodeo “buckin’ bronco cowboy” cake topper, got all the unneeded things out of the kid sized cart, and eventually made it out of there.  But as I followed him around constantly covering up my giggles, I couldn’t help but marvel at the everyday miracles of language development, reasoning skills, humor, and individual personality.  And I couldn’t help but think what a miracle it will be to watch those unique pieces come together for another little person in the next few years. 

I have experienced a few BIG miracles, and those are great, but most days I love to enjoy the everyday kind… sweet hugs and giggles, baby kicks from the inside, sunrise over the fields of rural America, the energy to accomplish everything that needs to be done, and the gift of God’s grace to do it again day after day.  May I never get so caught up in wishing for a miracle that I miss the everyday ones.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Memorial "Stones"

I’m sentimental.  Dates often stick with me for a long time.  I’m guilty of keeping little mementos to “memorialize” specials events and times.   My husband on the other hand is not… I have seen the look of panic on his face more than once when I asked, “Remember what today is?” 

However, this past weekend rolled over a date that was on both of our radars very specifically.  This past Sunday was January 20^th.  January 20^th last year, was the first time (A) drove out to a town in Illinois that we had never heard of, to have his first interview with Calumet Street Christian Church.  By this point in his ministry search I had lost count of the number of “first interviews” we had been through.  Several on the phone or via Skype, several in person.   A handful of places had passed on him, but the largest majority left us being the ones to back out as we felt place after place just was not the right fit for our family- we did not feel God calling us there.  I will admit, as he left that morning, I was sure this would be another one of those “thank you so much for the opportunity, but this ministry is not a fit for our family.”  I had a meeting and was unable to go with him, but I can still tell you exactly where I was and what I was wearing when my phone rang that afternoon.  I was being invited into the interview via speaker phone.  This was not too out of the ordinary, I had been in on a lot of the others as well.  But there was something about this conversation that was different… something that made me more interested than many of the others.  Afterwards, I hopped on the computer and began doing my research (as I had for MANY places).  What were the schools like in the area?  What was the housing market like?  Was there an Aldi close by?  How far was it from our parents?  What did the church website look like? 

When he got on the road headed home, (A) called to tell me all about it and what he thought (this was also not uncommon… it was pretty much our routine after each interview to break it down together).  I began sharing the things I had found from my digging that afternoon and admitted this… the day had started with a whole list of reasons why this church should also be scratched off the list… but as it had unfolded most of the reasons had been put to bed.  For the FIRST time, we admitted to each other… this might just be “the one.” 

It would be several more weeks before we would hear anything back from them, and several MONTHS before things were finalized.  We continued to interview and visit churches, but God just kept bringing us back to the thought “let’s keep holding on to hear more from that church in Illinois.” 

(A) was looking forward to being in the pulpit Sunday morning to celebrate that one year anniversary, but the weather had other plans.  As (a) and I stopped by his office at the end of the day yesterday, I couldn’t help but snap a picture of the two of them at his desk.  To see the JOY on his face in ministry again, to watch him work with Godly, caring leaders, to see the friendships and bonds forming among the staff… the faithfulness of God never ceases to amaze me.

One of my favorite books of the Old Testament is the book of Joshua.  In chapter 4 of Joshua there is an account of when God parted the Jordan River at flood stage so the Israelites could walk across on dry land.  And God instructs 12 men to cross ahead of the Ark of the Covenant and each pick up a large stone from the middle of the river.  He tells them to use the stones to make a memorial so that God’s people would always remember what He had done for them.  It is a passage I have taught from more than once, because I love the book of Joshua.  But it came to mean even more to me over the past 18 months. 

Over those months of leaving ministry, letting God heal our hearts, finding out who we were in Him, finding out who our friends were, what worship really meant, watching God’s provision, and being lead to uproot our entire lives to head back to ministry… through all that Jordan crossing experience for our family… I began to collect “stones”.  And in our hearts and in our lives there is truly a memorial for what God has done for us.  We are now living on the other side of that Jordan Crossing (and I am SO very grateful!), but on days like January 20^th, I will always look at that “memorial of stones” and we will remember, and we will praise God ever the more for what he has done in our lives.

“and he said to them, ‘Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan.  Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you.  In the future, when your children ask you,  ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord.  When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.  These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.’”  Joshua 4: 5-7

Little Moments

That adorable giggle… the suggestion “we can share dat” anytime I sit down with a snack… the announcement “we can snuggle togeder, Mama”… sitting together with (A) on the upstairs couch for a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation about our day before (a) discovers we have escaped the “rodeo arena”….  Just a few of the reoccurring little moments that regularly happen in our home.

Sometimes it is easy for me to get caught up worrying about the bigger, more visible moments.  Our kiddo embarrassed us at the Christmas play, he refused to show my family his “Big Brother” shirt that was supposed to be our baby announcement to them, we never seem to get the posed picture I want, he refused to talk to Santa at the school program…. I could go on and on JUST about the things that happened last month. 

However, I’m SLOWLY realizing that the best parts of our life aren’t found in those visible “posed picture” moments, they aren’t happening at once a year events.  Those are fun and special, don’t get me wrong.  But the largest, and probably most important parts of life, are happening in those little moments. 

As we played in the snow this past weekend I couldn’t get enough of that giggle (that turns into a cackle) as he threw snowballs at me.  And I found myself torn between wanting to get out my camera and record that face and sound so I can keep it forever… and wanting to put down the camera and just savor the moment.  (I ended up doing some of both!)  I realized these are the little moments that are shaping who he is and what he remembers. 

Looking back on my own childhood, yes I remember church Christmas plays, and family photo moments… but the little moments that made me who I am were days spent together in the barn, family dinners around the table, piling together with my sisters on the floor pillows to watch our favorite animated movie for the 1,327^th time.  Those little moments framed my life, the visible, public moments where just small parts of the bigger pictures.

And during the part of the snow playing where I did have my camera out, I debated whether or not to take a picture of us together.  I have heard so much debate about are you a good mom or not if you take selfies with your children… are you using your child as a “picture prop”… etc, etc.  And I also knew full well that I had not put on any make-up or done anything with my hair that day… but as we laughed and played together, I couldn’t resist- I took the picture.  Because I want to remember the joy it brings us both to play together, and he won’t be little forever, and I want him to someday have pictures WITH me instead of me always being the one behind the camera.  That picture of the two of us with my messy hair and no make-up was one of my favorites from the day.  He was SO happy to be enjoying that little moment together. 

That evening I willingly shared my cucumber snack “wif” him when he asked, and his sweet daddy and I shared some laughs and frustrations about our day during the few minutes we snuck away from the “rodeo arena.”

I think it’s true… those little moments really are the BIG parts of life.  Thank you, Lord, for being in the gentle whispers of life.

“Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.”  1 Kings 19: 11-13

The Year of JOY

I don’t always get into “trendy” things like choosing a word of the year seems to have become.  But, last year God made it VERY clear to me, in a voice that was almost audible, that He wanted me to take the word BRAVE.  I have shared here several times throughout the last year how “Brave” framed so much of 2018.  It was the word I focused on in much of my personal Bible study, it is a word I focused on in counseling, it was what I prayed about almost daily, I even recently received a bracelet from a precious friend with simply the word “brave” (and I love it!!).  However, BRAVE was a HARD year.  While I learned SO much, and grew even more it was a very difficult, painful year of growth, and change, and adjustment. 

As the year began to draw to a close and I started praying about what word the next year would bring, I really had to listen carefully.  It took some time.  BRAVE had been unmistakable and loud when I wasn’t even looking for it.  But I had to wait a little and clearly listen, as in a still, quiet whisper God spoke “JOY.”  This year, I’m going to focus on JOY. Finding JOY in all that I have learned about through the year of brave.  Finding JOY in my new surroundings, in new friendships, and in a new church family.  Even looking for JOY in the silly things like discovering new restaurants (we FINALLY found some “small town” pizza to suit me last weekend!!), having more space in our new home, and exploring the attractions of a new area. 

I am going to cherish the JOY of being a mom to feisty cowboy, and the JOY of welcoming our new little one this coming summer.  And I’m going to cherish sharing that JOY we have with others. 

I want to focus on the JOY of parenting an independent, strong-willed child who tends to throw me a curve ball at every turn.  I had an InstaPinFace perfect picture idea for this past weekend, and he had NO interest in smiling for the camera or cooperating to make it happen.  But put the camera away, get out a phone, change the photo backdrop, and he is posing and saying “Cheese!!”  Sometimes he frustrates me to the point I could either laugh or cry.  MOST days I try to laugh.  But I want to focus not on the frustration, but the JOY in that little heart.  The JOY that was all over his face the day he heard the heartbeat of his new sibling.  As soon as the dr found the sound, he popped out of (A)’s lap beaming from ear to ear as he leaned right over top of me and said in total awe, “Mama!! Dat’s da BABY!!”  He brings me so much JOY as he discusses how he will be a good big brother at daycare.  He is very concerned that his friends are going to “run da baby over,” so on his own he has announced that “I am going to hold my baby so my friends don’t run it over!”  When he calls it “my baby” my JOY nearly leaks out the corners of my eyes. 

Cheesin' it up for the photo I DIDN'T plan.... (Photo credit: Ian Maphet)

And as I am already studying the word JOY, I realize that it means so much more to me because of what God has brought us through.  The JOY would not mean as much or be so precious to me, if I hadn’t had to work through all the hard parts of being brave.  And as I thank God for all the lessons, I will do so with JOY as I look to the future.

“…weeping may stay for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

The Best of the Old, to Take to the New

I will openly admit that I’m not much on New Year’s Resolutions.  I mean I have nothing against them, I just know it is often hard for me to keep them more than about 8 days and then I am busy beating myself up about what I have already failed at before the year is hardly started.  Instead, I like to take the fresh start to look back at the passing year.  Not a “New Year, New You,” but “What Did Old You Learn that You Need to Hold on To”… taking the “Old” to make the “New.”

And I can’t lie, there was a LOT to learn in 2018.  It brought some of the biggest changes and transitions I have ever navigated in my entire life.  It was full of challenges and blessings, a lot of joy and a lot of tears.  So looking back on 2018, here are the most important things I learned that I Need to Hold on To:

1.        1.  Forgiveness toward others is not about their response, it is about getting your own heart right with God.  They may not want to be forgiven, because they don’t believe they have wronged you- forgive them anyway.  They may not even care if you exist- forgive them anyway.  Until your own heart is clear of the pain and bitterness you are holding on to, it is very hard to hear (and more importantly listen) to the voice of God.

2.        2.  Keep praying for the things on your heart.  God is listening, and sometimes He is going to give you the very blessings you have been asking for.  I was raised in my faith, I have prayed for things my whole life, but somehow I am always still amazed when God gives us the desires of our heart.  When you spend months praying for clarity, don’t be surprised when He gives you “clarity” verbatim.  When you pray for your home to sell quickly, don’t be surprised when it sells in 6 days.  When you pray for a new teaching job, don’t be surprised when it is even in the same grade level you left.  His love and attentiveness towards His children amaze me each day.

3.        3.  Sometimes, the thing you thought was totally devastating, was actually God’s protection.  Looking back at where our 2018 began and then where it ended, I can’t help but see how small our human “view” is.  I have learned that even in the hardest, darkest days- hold on.  God isn’t finished yet, and you may just turn around later and be overwhelmingly surprised at how things work out.

4.        4.  It’s ok to accept help.  I have always been a pretty independent girl, but this past year (probably more than ever) I have had to learn to accept help offered my direction.  Sometimes it was help navigating my mental and emotional health.  Other times it was help packing or unpacking boxes, painting walls, or loading and unloading trailers.  We accepted help with childcare and meals brought in, learning the ins and outs of a new community, and how to navigate change.  In learning to accept help, I also learned that it isn’t just about realizing I can’t do everything myself, it is also about allowing others to use their gifts and talents.  When we deny others the chance to help in the way they offer, we are denying them a chance to GIVE a blessing that is on their heart.  This was a tough lesson for me to learn, and a huge “swallow” of my pride.

5.        5.  It is possible to find a precious balance between “old” and “new.”  I was so overwhelmed as we transitioned to a “new” life that I didn’t know how I could ever leave the “old” behind.  And truthfully, it hasn’t been easy.  But I have learned that “old friends” will ALWAYS be near and dear to our hearts.  That it IS possible to pick right back up where you left off, that not everyone forgets you just because you are no longer physically present.  It is possible to walk back in to your “old” favorite places and still feel at home, and your “old” special traditions can always hold a place in your heart.  AND I have learned that there is room in my heart for all the “old” things that I love, as well as “new” things.  There is room in my heart to stretch and let new friends in.  There is room to make new memories and new special places.  It is possible to start new traditions and find new things to love.  My heart was so full leaving our “old” life that I didn’t have any idea how I would be able cope, but God graciously showed me that He made my heart with room to stretch.  That there is plenty of room to hold on to the good things that are “old” and still embrace the “new.”

The Bible talks a lot about NEW.  I am grateful that His mercies are new, He makes me NEW, and I get to sing a NEW song.  As I head into this NEW year, may I take the past lessons of His love, and mercies, and faithfulness as I embrace each new day.  Happy New Year!

“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and SHE SMILES AT THE FUTURE.”  Proverbs 31:25