Expectations

We have entered a new stage of toddler life… one where (a) makes it VERY clear that he does not like to go into stores.  We can be riding in the car just fine, and as soon as he realizes I am turning in to a store parking lot the shouting begins “I NOT WANT TO GO TO DA STORE!!” “No! No! It’s a no-no!!” And yep, right now I’m that mom you see trying gracefully to walk the aisles while also trying not to completely drag said screaming toddler behind me or dodging the fists being thrown at me from the cart.  (I am seriously apologizing right now if you have seen us in the store lately- its totally humiliating.)  I constantly find myself stopping to quietly, but sternly, repeat my expectations into his ear- you need to be polite, you need to do what Momma asks, you need to stop yelling.  And I’ll admit, I am even up for bribery.  Before we enter the store, I will restate the expectations and the reward that can be earned for meeting those expectations.  Yesterday’s grocery run was fairly successful because (a) was pretty excited to pick out a flavored water when we were done getting everything else IF he met the expectations.  I think I was more excited than he was when he held that peach flavored water in his hands, because I was so grateful and relieved that he had met my expectations for grocery store behavior.

Stores with the "cool carts" are totally my saving grace right now!!

Expectations are such a balancing act for me.  I like them- I LIKE to know what is expected of me from my principal, from my husband, from my financial obligations...  I like to know what I am working toward and what I need to accomplish.  For me personally, the structure of expectations is comforting in many ways.  But my struggle with expectations is when I put them on myself.  When it comes to me, I tend to set unrealistic expectations for myself, expectations I would never put on anyone else.  I tell myself I need to have it all together, drink enough water, exercise, take care of chores around the house, be super-mom and super-teacher, volunteer at church, keep everyone around me happy, stay on schedule, fix healthy meals for my family, and be everything to everyone every day.  I know that list is not realistic- and I would NEVER ask it of anyone else.  So why do I ask it of myself? 

I will admit I tell my students that I have high expectations for them- but my expectations are simply to do their best and to treat themselves and others with respect.  As long as they are working hard to give me their best effort, I’m happy with whatever letter grade that translates to.  As long as they are respectful, I am happy to forgive “behaviors” here and there.  Why can’t I give myself that kind of grace?  If I am doing my best, so what if things are taking me longer to achieve that I had hoped? If I am acting out of love and respect why do I get frustrated with myself if I have to tell someone “No, I’m sorry, I just can’t commit to that obligation”? 

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that I’m not the only girl who has the same problem with expectations.  Where the ones you set for others are reasonable, but the expectations you set for yourself are crazy…

I am trying to look at it this way… when we are traveling and I book a hotel room just to layover on the trip, my expectations are pretty simple- clean, comfortable, safe, and free breakfast of some sort.  However, when we arrive and I discover there is also free wifi, a fridge and microwave in the room, and breakfast has a waffle maker then I am THRILLED because my expectations were exceeded.  If I could look at each day that way I would be far less frustrated with myself.  I need to set some basic expectations… did I make the people around me feel loved and valued today?  Did I glorify God in all that I did? And THEN if I manage to ALSO clean the house, set a hot meal on the table, and drink 80 ounces of water- AWESOME, my expectations were exceeded. 

I want to draw my expectations for my life from what God says he expects of me, not what I say I expect of myself.  “Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments.’” Matthew 22:37-40  Those… those are the expectations I need to be setting for myself.  And in the meantime, if I exceed them by having a well behaved toddler in the grocery, that’s just icing on the cake.  😉

Unpacking

The past week has been a whirlwind.  We got our new house last Monday, and since then every room in the house got a coat of paint, the place was cleaned from top to bottom, a bathroom was remodeled, all our stuff arrived, and we have begun the process of unpacking and settling in to our new home.  All in the last 7 days!  To say I’m exhausted is an understatement, but I’m so grateful for the progress we have made that I keep going! 

Unpacking is an interesting process.  For me, it is hard to prioritize, because I want to see progress in making the home mine.  I would really rather start hanging pictures and décor than deal with the piles of boxes because I want the house to look “cute.”  I have to keep reminding myself to get the boxes and chaos dealt with first, THEN we can do cute.  Cute won’t matter if we are living in chaos.

I’m am also sometimes amazed at the stuff I have held on to.  In 11 years of marriage, this is our 4^th home, yet certainly the largest accumulation of stuff since we were in our last house for 9 years.  As I unpack I’m finding things that haven’t been used since our first house, but I valued them enough to hold on to them.  Some of those things are finding a use here even though they have been in a box for 9-10 years.  Other things were so important to me in our last home, but here there is no place for them.  There are also things I have held on to all these years that in the unpacking process I am deciding to let go of them.  I have a large tote started of “yard sale” items that aren’t “making the cut” in the new house.

It has been fun to watch (a) rediscover his toys.  Many of them have been in storage since April when we prepared our other house to go on the market.  He is SO excited with every box or bag we unpack!  He has to announce each piece, even little things that I would deem kind of insignificant.  “My ball!! My blocks! My farmer! My bear!”  I have tried to just open one box at a time so he will really take the time to go through it.  Things he doesn’t seem so excited about are be set aside to add to the “yard sale” tote, though some things I would have cast off (if sorting without him) he is playing with as if they were great treasurers. 

As I work through the piles and piles of boxes, for me it has been an emotional process.  It has made me think about the things I have held on to, and the things I can let go of.  Things that didn’t have a place in my life for a while, but now do again.  I think about friendships that I treasure and hold on to, but emotional baggage that I have had to let go.  There are gifts inside of me that have laid dormant for a few months or years but I am feeling the need to begin using them again.  I also realize that I have to remind my self to prioritize- while the “cute” parts of the house won’t matter if we are living in chaos, so with my life.  If I have not prioritized correctly, the exterior is simply a façade.  I have been working hard to still be intentional about my daily devotional/quiet time and taking time to be present with (A) & (a).  It won’t matter how unpacked and cute our home is if the relationships within that home are in chaos. 

Someone was SOO excited to rekindle his friendship with one of his doggies after 5 weeks apart!  Can't wait to get Miss Sadie out here too!

And I am trying to give myself some grace in the process.  It is not going to happen overnight, there are too many boxes.  If I did unpack without going through things, I guarantee I would continue holding on to things that need to be purged, that will just be wasting space in our home.  Or I might also overlook a gem just waiting to be re-discovered.  I have to give my heart the same grace also as I am “unpacking” it into this new life.  If I don’t allow myself to work through my emotions, I am going to end up holding on to things that need to be purged, things that will just be taking up precious space in my heart and mind.  I also don’t want to overlook pieces of who God created me to be that He is wanting me to re-discover.  And as with my house I keep reminding myself… it’s a process.  And when I am finished it is going to be worth every tedious step along the way.    

“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever, amen.” Hebrews 13:20-21

Anticipation

I’m writing early this week.  By the time this publishes on Tuesday morning, we will have the keys to our new home and will be painting like crazy people.  I feel like a little girl waiting for Christmas… the anticipation is killing me!! 

I have been to the home improvement stores over and over trying to pick new paint colors and fixtures that I would like to change out in the house.  We have been furniture shopping so that (a) will be all ready to move into a “big boy” room.  I have friends ready to come over and help with design ideas and minor remodels.  The utilities are set to be changed to our names, and the cars are packed with the cleaning supplies (and toilet paper!) that need to move in first.  We have worked hard to be ready and now we anxiously wait until the keys are in our hands. 

Paint color samples all ready to go!

Car loaded down with things ready to move in!!

It has made it easier to jump out of bed the last few mornings because I am so excited to keep preparing for our house projects. And all that has made me think… why don’t I look at more of life with anticipation?  So many days I wake up with the stress of just “surviving” the day’s to-do list.  Right now I am still working from a to-do list, actually a rather long one, but the difference is the attitude with which I approach that list.  I can’t wait to choose colors, I can’t wait to change out light fixtures, I can’t wait to unpack boxes and hang pictures.  But many days I think, I HAVE to do laundry, I HAVE to get groceries, I HAVE to run errands.  What would happen if I was willing to approach my life with more of the anticipation I have now?  I know that attitude is contagious… what would my classroom look like each day if my students and I all came with the attitude “I can’t wait to get to school!”? How much more would (a) and (A) help me around the house if I had the anticipation of “I can’t wait to do chores!”?  I know it sounds silly, and a bit “Polly Anna” to approach the day to day this way, but I would much rather live with anticipation than dread.

I also wonder, what would I see God do in my life if I was willing to approach my FAITH with anticipation… the exciting expectation that something is going to happen… more often?  I believe God is willing to do great things, huge things, with my life… but all too often I just don’t ask for them, or I simply don’t anticipate they could ever happen.  I want to start praying with anticipation- KNOWING God is going to work in amazing ways.  I want to start living with anticipation that I am going to see God do immeasurably more than I ever imagined for myself. 

(A) has been preaching through a sermon series on Audacious Faith, which has also led me to a new devotional 100 Days to Brave by Annie Downs.  Through both of these studies I have been taking a closer look at many great “heroes” of faith, and I realize something.  They aren’t extraordinary PEOPLE, they just had the extraordinary FAITH to truly ANTICIPATE what God was going to do through them.  Joshua anticipated that God could make the sun stand still on his behalf, Elijah anticipated God would send down fire from heaven on a wet alter at Mt. Carmel, David anticipated God would use a stone to bring down a giant, and those are just a few of so many examples.  I believe God is still in the business of doing extraordinary things through ordinary people, and it is time I live in anticipation of that. 

I also am choosing to pray with anticipation as well, so I will admit that as we set up the new house this week, we are choosing to set up a nursery.  NO, I’m not pregnant, but we have prayed that we will one day be blessed with more babies, and we are choosing to live in anticipation that it will happen.  It is just some furniture, and it just one of MANY areas in my life where I hope to see God work, but it is a small step toward a life of exciting expectation of what God is able to do… and I will wait, and live, and pray with anticipation.     

“ Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”  Ephesians 3:20-21

It's OK Momma, You Got This!

On Friday morning we made our second ER visit of (a)’s 2 ½ year old life.  My “supplemental insurance” agent suggested I should pick-up the “Accident Policy” when I was pregnant with a little boy… he wasn’t kidding, I’m glad I took his advice. 

We had gone home to Indiana for a couple of days and my parents’ farm was our first stop on our east-to-west visit.  (a) LOVES to visit the farm and the first thing he always asks to do is ride Doc, my sister’s team roping horse.  I love that horse, he has the patience of Job!  He is calm no matter how many times the dog runs between his legs, how much noise or chaos is going on around him, or how many times (a) tries to stick a finger in his nostril.  Friday morning was no exception to the normal… (a) started begging my sister first thing, “I wanna ride Doc!”  He has been riding ever since he was 10 months old.  For a long time it was always with someone, then as he mastered balance we let him ride alone with someone holding on to him from both sides, then he graduated to someone on one side, and lately he has done so well that he can be independent as long as someone is just a step or two away (and frankly has become so fiercely independent that he throws a fit if you try to touch him as you walk along beside).  That morning the horse was as calm as usual, my sister was leading him through the grass of the yard, I was carefully watching just a couple steps away, (a) was doing great- but then he got distracted looking over at something in the pasture and lost his focus.  When he lost his focus, he lost his balance and though I was just a couple steps away, I was on the opposite side of the horse and was unable to grab him before he slid off and fell to the ground.  Focus and balance… we will come back to those later. 

My sister scooped him up and reassured him that he was alright.  Our family knows that we are “rub some dirt on it” kind of parents.  We don’t tend to coddle bumps and bruises, and (a) himself has adopted that phrase “I tough like Dee-del” (Diesel is the neighbor’s dog and a totally separate story on toughness ha!)  But this time was unusual because the crying was intense and as I checked him out, it was clear from the swelling in his arm and the shaking in his fingers that we needed an x-ray.  My Momma intuition told me it was broken. 

On the drive to the hospital I admitted to my mom that my greatest fear was not his arm being broken, because honestly, I was already sure it was.  My greatest fear was the “Mommy judgement” that I allow my 2 ½ year old to ride a horse.  I was sure I was going to get a tongue lashing from the medical staff and intense judgement from our friends.  The worst part of that “Mommy judgement fear” is that "Mommy judgement" is all based on someone else's opinion.  I don’t feel guilty for letting him ride, and once he is healed, I’m going to let him ride a horse again.  He LOVES being a “cowboy” and I am not going to take that away from him.  It was simply an accident.  It could have easily happened on the playground or running around the yard.

When the dr walked in the room I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I have known her most of my life, her oldest son and I were good friends in high school as classmates, FFA officers, and livestock judging teammates.  Her husband has farmed in the community his whole career, and she greeted me with a smile and “Well, Hi Kristi!!” as soon as she stepped in the room.  Next in walked a nurse who I also knew.  Her kids had also shown horses in 4-H and her family is still involved with horses in many ways.  I could feel all the “Mommy judgement fear” releasing from me and a gentle whisper in my head said “It’s OK Momma, you got this!” 

X-rays confirmed what I already knew, it was broken.  But thankfully it was a clean break that should heal really well.  As we got ready to go, I thanked the dr again and we commented how good it was to see each other, despite the circumstances.  I also admitted how grateful I was to know that there would be no scolding of my parenting choices, and she laughed as she told me absolutely not, accidents happen, that’s part of life- especially with little boys.  Again that whisper, “It’s OK Momma, you got this!”

Just a couple hours out of the ER and he was back to insisting he help get cows in
(and insisting he wear the glove over the end of his splint too, haha!)

Yesterday I took (a) to work with me in my new classroom.  Around nap time he became pretty tough to deal with because he simply didn’t want to give in to sleep.  At one point he ran away from me down the hall yelling “I NOT WANT YOU!! I WANT MY DADDY!!”  I was nearly in tears and all I could think was “What is my new principal going to think of me!?” as my toddler is screaming and running down the hall.  (I never found out) but later as I loaded (a) into the car he commented that it was hot.  I told him I was turning the air on before I buckled him into his seat.  He so sweetly replied, “You turning the air on for ME??!! Thank you, Momma, thank you!!”  And his sweet words melted my earlier frustration… again that whisper, “It’s OK Momma, you got this!”

Focus and balance… I don’t know about other moms, but SO often I find myself getting so caught up worrying about what others will think of my parenting style or that I will be judged by my toddler’s behavior that I lose focus on what I’m supposed to be doing as his mom.  When I lose focus, my emotions get all out of balance and I am impatient with him, flustered with myself, and it goes downhill from there.

He often has sticky hands, frequently his clothes are dirty, he peed his pants in Target yesterday and we ended up walking out in his t-shirt and a diaper (no pants), he yells loudly, he asks a lot of questions, he gets grumpy at nap time, he is a bear when he is hungry, he is stubborn and strong willed… but he could make friends with a fence post, he is compassionate toward others, he is usually polite, he loves to sing “Jesus Loves Me”, asks to pray at dinner, holds hands with the elderly, and picks a flower for his Momma every chance he gets.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only girl out there who fears that constant “Mommy judgement.”  But I’m choosing to FOCUS on what’s important and let that provide balance. When I focus on balance I can take a deep breath… “It’s Ok Momma, you got this!!”

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Jesus Rescues

I find that no matter how many times I am asked to help teach from the Bible, I am the one who ends up learning the most.  Last week was VBS week at our church and I was asked to help work in the station where we shared the daily Bible lesson.  The theme of the week was “Shipwrecked” and each day the students learned a “Bible point” to which they were to respond “Jesus Rescues!!” 

I can’t lie, I have been struggling a lot the last few weeks.  I miss my friends, I miss having my family close, I miss our home (shoot- I miss HAVING a home of our own! Though I ADORE the family that has taken us in and I am so incredibly grateful for them!!), I miss the familiar.  And as (a) still goes through a nearly daily ritual of asking for beloved people and places I choke back tears as I remind him we don’t live close to them anymore.  One of my big worries also has been about a teaching job.  I carry our family’s health insurance, so that was one of my big “fear factors,” but beyond that I loved teaching.  In leaving Indiana, I walked away from a small, rural school that I loved, a position in 3^rd grade that was a perfect age group for my personality and gifts, lots of wonderful friends and mentors, and a grade level teaching partner who is out-of-this-world amazing as a teacher and more importantly my very dear friend.  Ever since April, when we knew this move was coming, I had been checking DAILY for teaching job postings within a 45 minute radius of our new town.  As soon as postings would appear I would hustle to get my application pieces sent in to the district.  And then I waited…… and it was total radio silence.  The beginning of last week marked 2 months of this daily ritual of checking postings morning and afternoon, being prepared to send my materials as soon as something popped up that I was qualified for, and answering the painful question “Any luck on a job yet?”

As I said earlier, the VBS themes for the week surrounded the idea of being shipwrecked and the point of the first night was “When you’re lonely… Jesus Rescues!!”  Loneliness was a feeling that resonated (loudly) deep within me.  The next night the point was “When you worry… Jesus Rescues!!”  Worry feels like all I have done lately.  On night three the lesson was “When you struggle… Jesus Rescues!!”  By this time, I was really feeling overwhelmed with the thought that I didn’t know if these lessons were created for the kids or me.  They seemed to be hitting on everything I was feeling. 

Amid the busy schedule of VBS Monday night, my phone rang during our brief break.  I glanced at it and saw that it was a local number.  Since the local numbers are not the same as my area code any longer, I am quick to answer because I know it is actually someone trying to get ahold of me instead of those annoying junk calls that now use numbers similar to your own.  It was the superintendent of one of the area school districts.  My heart started beating very quickly as he introduced himself on the other end of the line.  In two months of waiting this was my FIRST call.  But my heart quickly sank as I listened.  He had some teaching jobs available, but already had candidates to fill those positions.  What he was offering me was an interview for a classroom assistant position that paid less than half of the salary I left in Indiana, and offered no benefits.  I went from thrilled to devastated in a matter of seconds.  Nothing in me was interested in the position, but I have always been taught to “suit up and show up” so I agreed to take the interview the next morning.  My thought was, administrators talk- maybe he will talk to someone who is still needed a teacher and mention me.  But as I shared the news with (A) I couldn’t help but cry about how frustrated I was feeling.  It was a hard night with little sleep.  As I struggled, I kept admitting that I know God called us here, but why did He call us to walk away from our whole life and me still feel so much heartache in so many areas of my being. 

Tuesday morning began with intense thunderstorms and pouring rain.  The combination of weather, little sleep, and tears through the night led my day to begin with a pounding headache that would not let up.  Nothing about me wanted to go to this interview to discuss a job I wasn’t interested in, but through my tears I fixed my hair and makeup, put on a professional dress and heels, and headed out the door. 

As the interview began, I quickly liked the superintendent (which is also the role of principal in these small rural districts) and I could feel the interview changing a little as we discussed my experience and teaching style.  He was also “farm raised” as I am, and he was pretty transparent with me about many things.  About an hour into the interview, he asked how would it work for me to come to the school board meeting that evening.  He explained that in these small districts things work a little differently than I was used to.  Admin does not just choose their people and then take it to the board for a “rubber stamp.”  The admin chose candidates, but then the school board interviews and actually makes hiring decisions.  He said he had no idea what was going to happen at the meeting that evening, but there were three positions open and three candidates coming to be interviewed.  He would like to put me in as a fourth candidate to be considered.  This was a big change from the position we had discussed just 14 hours earlier, so I jumped at the chance and was grateful the time block he had for me would still allow me to fulfill my role at VBS first, then head to the school for my 8:30 pm interview.  I left his office that morning feeling the slightest bit of optimism that things were maybe headed in the right direction. 

(A) And I spent the afternoon praying that the right thing would happen.  I realized that there would be some very unique challenges with a district that is so incredibly tiny, largely including the fact that most classrooms include 2 grade levels put together.  Mostly we just prayed that who I am as a person and as a teacher would shine through in the interview.  And if they liked what they saw they would hire me, and if not then I wasn’t really the right fit in the first place. 

As soon as we finished our last group in VBS I quickly touched up my lipstick and jumped in my car.  I was a little nervous as I walked into the interview, but quickly calmed as I began simply answering questions as “just me”, who I am and how I teach.  I walked out feeling as though our prayers had been answered… I was able to give them “ME”, which was all I wanted, and they could make the decision.  I couldn’t help but notice the sky as I walked out the front door of the school which faces west.  As I mentioned earlier, the day had begun with intense storms, and they had continued off and on throughout the day.  There were still huge black clouds hanging in the sky, but just below them the most beautiful and brilliant sunset was taking over the sky.  I pulled out my phone and snapped a quick picture because I couldn’t pass up the beauty of it.  And I quickly remembered the words from one of the VBS songs... “In the eye of the storm, you remain in control.”  It felt like a gentle reminder that amid the storm of life I was feeling, He still had me in His hands. 

An hour and 10 minutes later, the phone rang offering me a teaching position, and not just any position… the grade level position I wanted.  Within 26 hours I had gone from not one single phone call back or interview offer, to a teaching position of the same setting and grade level I had given up.  It’s true, Jesus rescues. 

I can’t say I am no longer struggling with all the change in my life… and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of the unique challenges this new job is going to bring.  But I am so grateful that He loves me enough to keep me right in the palm of His hand while I weather the storms of life, and that when I feel all hope is lost, Jesus still rescues. 

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” Psalm 30:11