He Makes Me Lie Down in Green Pastures

Psalm 23- while I don’t know any hard and fast statistics on it, I would guess it to be one of the most quoted passages of scripture.  I know it is one that I have know since childhood.  I will admit, sometimes for me the downfall of knowing certain scriptures so well is that I don’t always slow down and cling to them, I have a bad habit of letting the ones I know so well become more rote than real.  In the past week however, I have had the opportunity for part of Psalm 23 to become more alive to me than it has before.

 

Last Thursday I was not ready to admit it out loud, but I had reached a breaking point mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I was navigating a large amount of stress at school, doing everything for our boys while my (still totally healthy) husband was quarantined to our basement, and I was completely depleted.  I left a very stressful day at school to go straight to my OB for a routine checkup and ultrasound only to be stopped dead in my tracks.  He was pretty firm- I was dehydrated, the baby’s growth was slowing down, my blood pressure was too high, and he didn’t like the looks of my keytone levels.  I like my dr, he is a straight shooter who is pretty real with me, and he was blunt.  If I didn’t get some things off my plate, baby and I were going to be in trouble.  He ordered another whole work up of labs and tests for the next day and sent me home with now even more on my plate but the directive to get rid of some of the load- NOW.  I made it to the car before I was completely in tears and called (A) with all the updates from my appointment.  I had no idea how I was going to do it, but something had to give.

 

As I laid my head in bed that night, I reached for my devotional where I had been studying the word “STILL.” And exactly as I needed, the lesson focused on “embracing stillness.”  That is not something I have ever been good at.  I am on the go, looking toward my next responsibility, project, or to-do list, I am on the “high strung” side of life most of the time and I am not good at just relaxing and taking care of myself- actually those things are very low on my list of priorities.  I began praying and begging God to help me embrace stillness- it was extremely necessary for myself and our baby.  Over the next 24 hours I was blessed with help, plans for more help, and a clear pathway to finding some much needed rest.  While I felt like I was in a better place by Friday, my labs showed that I still had a ways to go in taking better care of myself and the baby, so Tuesday began the new adventure of twice weekly “non stress tests.”

 

While they had told me what to expect, I was still very nervous.  Nervous that all this meant the baby could come early, worried about all the extra cost involved in this testing, feeling like a failure that I hadn’t had these issues with my other two pregnancies- I was a basket case.  As I sat in the waiting room for my turn to be hooked up to the machines, I opened my Bible app on my phone looking for some peace and the stillness I had been praying so hard to focus on.  As I clicked to the devotion tab my next reading on stillness came from Psalm 23 “He makes me lie down in green pastures.”  That was never a verse that had hit me before, it just seemed to go along with the sheep references in the rest of the chapter.  But this week it took on a whole new perspective.  I’m not one who is easily “made” to do things, I’m often independent to a fault.  But this week I was literally made to lie down, to stop, to rest.  The author of the devotion talked about the green pastures of sitting in his back yard, but I couldn’t help to think of the fields at home on the farm.  Some of the most peaceful times I have ever spent were out in the pasture checking cows, admiring cows, watching my (a) learn to do the same. 

While I usually resist being MADE to do anything, I could immediately see the benefits and blessings that would come with being made to lie down in green pastures.  A chance to reflect, rest, and care for myself and the baby- the peacefulness of green pastures.  Being made to lie in green pastures was a way that God could still my anxious heart enough to give me PEACE, His kind of peace, and His kind of restorative rest that I desperately needed.  Being made to lie down in green pastures wasn't out of force or punishment, it was a chance to bless me, to care for me.

 

While I don’t know how these complications are going to play out, I’m learning to embrace stillness, find blessings in being made to rest in his green pastures, and seek His kind of rest that restores my soul AND my body.  May you also find a green pasture where you can rest your weary soul.

One Year Later

 One year.  My social media “memories” have been reminding me this week that it has been one year since our lives drastically changed.  March 17^th was the first day last year that I went to my classroom but no students were there.  We were sure it was just for a couple weeks and then they would be back.  Then as it became a reality that we wouldn’t be returning, rumors started of restrictions to the fall start of school and I doubted how that could ever be possible.  Before long, everything was changing. 

I snapped this photo on the way to school, EARLY the last morning my students were in-person for the '19-'20 school year.

My personal feelings and opinions on much of it are not important, but the reminders this week have made me reflective.  Ironically, as we pass over the anniversary of last year’s lock down, we are back to juggling a partial one at my house as well.  (A) is currently living in isolation in our basement due to a potential exposure (he feels completely fine and is already ½ way vaccinated- just required to follow the public health guidelines), and I have had some serious emotional meltdowns over the situation.  There are some very important things happening in our lives right now that he is missing, I’m in an extremely stressful time at school right now as we began state testing this week, physically managing both boys by myself at 8 months pregnant is proving extremely hard, and doggone it- my mental health has been taxed heavily.  I don’t tell you these things to throw a pity party, I know it could always be much worse and others are dealing with things far worse- just sharing my “real” struggles because it brought me to this….

 

Last night I laid awake longer than usual working through my feelings and praying about where my heart is.  The last year did still give me some precious blessings of time with my family, but it has stolen much of my passion and left me often just going through the motions of survival mode.  I’m tired of living in survival mode, and I miss my heart begin on fire.  Through tears I opened my daily devotional.  Since my word for 2021 is “STILL,” I have been working through devotions addressing this topic.  Last night’s brought me to a verse in Isaiah that I wasn’t overly familiar with,

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:18

 

The comfort that poured over me was like a warm blanket.  God is STILL holding me in the palm of His hand.  No matter how weary my heart and body feel, He is gracious and compassionate to me.  As I prayed for renewed strength and passion, I felt hope that He has not forgotten me- He is STILL the same God who made this promise to His people thousands of years ago, and it STILL holds true for me today.  And I am holding tight to that promise- as I feed my kiddos pizza more days in a row than I want to admit, try to do all the right things for all my students, and pray for renewed physical strength and a heart on fire.  He is still the same God of Isaiah, He is still the same God of a year ago, and He is STILL sustaining me today.  And no matter what changes around me, I will take heart that those truths will NOT change.

Tell Me About Your Picture

 Over the past year, our (a) has become quite the little artist.  Now, I don’t mean he is going to be the next famous Renaissance painter or any kind of child prodigy- his skills are very equivalent with his age, BUT he loves making art.  Frequently he will choose to sit down with his crayons, colored pencils, and markers to make pictures or cards that he loves to share and give away.   I can already tell that gift giving is one of his love languages, and he is so proud to hand over that special piece of artwork.  Many years ago, in my college class about art for elementary teachers I learned an important piece of advice- don’t ever ask a child “What is this?” but instead ask “Tell me about your picture.”  The phrasing can often make a difference in the confidence they have in their work, and so I try very hard to do this whenever I am handed one of his masterpieces. 

 

As I enjoy these cute gestures, I have come to appreciate his descriptions even more.  Often when I look at them I simply see stick people (who have really big eyes right now), and I can usually find his name or the names of others he knows how to spell.  But when he starts telling me about his picture, a much more vivid story plays out.  And before long, I can usually see many more details and the picture comes to mean more to me.  This week he attended kindergarten round-up (how did THAT happen so quickly!?) and afterwards had to hangout in my classroom for another couple hours while I worked after school.  While I worked on lesson plans and videos for my two remote students, he used a pack of washable markers and some scrap paper to draw me a couple masterpieces.  When I was done working, he presented them to me and we went through our usual ritual of “Ohhh!! I love it! Tell me about your picture!”  He explained each stick person to me- they were each of us in his family, including some aunts, uncles, and a baby cousin (who he said with a giggle “looks kind of like a Lego person in my picture, but that’s ok”).  He went on to show me how he was riding his pony, Snoopy, and he didn’t have the color he wanted for Snoopy, so he just made his mane blue (said with a shrug as if the substitution had been no big deal for him).  He explained that his second picture was the American flag and his little brother was holding it.  Some of these little details I might have caught on my own if given a few minutes, but many of them I would have missed without the explanation (especially the part about his cousin looking like a Lego person). 

It made me think about how many times I just see what something appears to be at first sight, instead of understanding the whole picture or the explanation behind it.  I see the mess that is made without knowing what they were looking for or what game they were playing.  I see the unfinished dinner, but didn’t know about the snack Daddy grabbed them on the way home.  I think of times I am easily frustrated with others or run out of patience, when I don’t know the whole story.  And then there are times when hear the “bigger picture” or find out more details to the story, and my heart is broken by the reality of what I missed. 

 

As I strive to love and lead my littles, as I teach and nurture my students, as I work with and interact with others- may I always try to pause and understand more about the picture.  See more than just the first glance, understand more than my basic assumptions, and care enough to ask “tell me about it.”

 

“For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Road Trippin'

 There’s nothing like a road trip to keep ya on your toes about life.  Recently, my younger sister and her husband welcomed a sweet baby boy to their home in Kansas.  This aunt couldn’t wait to meet the little cutie and my boys were beyond excited to have a new baby cousin, so I quickly decided a road trip was a must-do.  I realized (A) would not be able to join us since we would be gone over a Sunday, and at 31 weeks pregnant, a 12 hr round trip drive with a 5 and 1 year old might be hairy, so the boys and I were thrilled when my youngest sister, their “Kayda”, agreed to join us (of course she really went because she was dying to meet her newest nephew). 

 

(A) arrived at school on Friday afternoon with a car full of excited travelers to swap me out for his empty vehicle.  Before we even left the parking lot we had both excitement about discovering there were snack bags and devastation because the toy bag had been forgotten.  I had worked through my lunch break that day and the boys had slept through theirs, so we hit up a drive through about 20 minutes down the road for a late afternoon pick-me-up.  As Kayda was looking at the menu deciding what to order (a) piped up loudly from the backseat “Order Kayda a salad!”  At that point, she and I were trying so hard to suppress our laughter that we couldn’t manage to get the words out to order anything.  But I made a mental note that we have a lot of work to do when it comes to learning what to say or not say to build the confidence of the women around you- especially when they are already thin and gorgeous.

 

I hadn’t realized JUST how little traveling we had done in the last year or so until the excitement of a hotel kicked in.  EVERY hotel we passed along the interstate through St. Louis, Kansas City, and all of their suburbs, (a) wanted to know if THAT was our hotel.  No matter how many times we assured him we would let him know when we arrived, he still kept asking.  He has stayed in several, but it has been quite a while and Kayda and I shared a lot of giggles over their hotel excitement.  When we did arrive you would have thought that Hampton Inn was the most luxury hotel on the planet for all the awe and wonder over pushing elevator buttons, counting numbers to find our room, having a fridge and coffeemaker in our room, looking out the third floor windows at the parking lot and businesses across the street, eating hotel breakfast, and swimming in the indoor pool.  Looking at that adventure through the eyes of my little boys was a perspective check for me- things I so easily take for granted were beyond exciting for them.

Hotel breakfast and indoor swimming were BIG highlights of the trip for little guys

We shared a wonderful visit with my sister’s family, and of course the little guy we went to meet is even cuter in person than the pictures we have seen.  The boys were head over heels for him, and it was sweet when we arrived home that despite the excitement over all the hotel things, (a) was quick to tell his daddy that meeting baby (d) was the BEST part of our trip. 

 

The road trip reminded me of a few other things as well- toddlers are the messiest car seat eaters on the planet (go away COVID so we can fast food dine-in again), don’t forget the toy bag, listening to (b) sing to his chicken nuggets is hilarious (and a memory we will have to share to embarrass him as a teenager) always buy the 28 pack of beef sticks instead of the 14, playing I-spy while driving down the road is HARD, taking our Kayda along was the BEST idea ever, and NEVER take for granted one minute of the adventure of a family road trip.   

 

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Psalms 16:11