Yet through my grief...

 There are moments in life that sometimes my heart just doesn’t understand.  It has taken me nearly a week to put words to paper to describe the heartache at losing my friend, Gabby.  While I grieve her loss, I have also found myself reminded of the things she taught me.

 

Gabby was a student in our youth group for many years while we were in ministry in North Vernon.  She was gorgeous and talented, but bigger than that, she had a heart for God and for others.  Because she was involved in many aspects of the church, we were frequently working together and became close friends.  I had the opportunity to be her adult “prayer partner” many years when the youth group took their annual CIY and mission trips.  I always spent a significant amount of time writing out cards for her to open each day of the trip about how I would be praying for her that day- and I loved being able to do it for her because of the conversations it brought when they returned.  She was always so thankful and gracious and bubbling with joy to tell me all about the trip and how much she loved having a card to open each day.  Her smile and laugh were infections, you couldn’t help but smile too when you were in her presence. 

 

She was a driven student who was always working her tail off to do the best she could in school.  In many ways her work habits reminded me of my high school “self” and because we were close, I shared with her on a few occasions my biggest high school regret was working so hard for grades and achievements that I sometimes missed out on sharing moments with my friends.  We had conversations about how there would be times in life it was ok to take that A- instead of the A+ if it meant making a memory with friends.  And we were SO proud of her when that drive took her where she wanted to be through high school and college to become a NICU nurse following graduation. 

 

“Gabby Gabby,” as she was known by her friends, had a heart for service and others.  It was a blast to serve with her on our church camp team because she was always right in the middle of what the kids were doing encouraging them, cheering them on, and pointing them toward Jesus.  Gabby didn’t shy away from an opportunity to dress up in some crazy outfit if it served the kids at VBS or put on the fanny pack of necessities for church camp.  She was “all in” with the brightest smile on her face, even if it meant spending her birthday with 80 elementary kids at camp.  She also worked in the daycare that was owned by the church where she was a HUGE favorite friend of our son (a).  They were big buddies and she always brought a smile to his face.  As I mourned this weekend, I read back through our text message thread that is still in my phone and found pictures she had sent me of (a) smiling and being silly with her and one I had sent her teasing that her mom had snatched her buddy (a) and he was beaming in her mom’s arms instead of hers.  Her heart of others was so big I even remember, with a giggle, talking her through how to gently but clearly get a “friend zone” message across to a boy who wouldn’t stop following her (he wasn’t a creeper, just love struck and following like a lost puppy).  She was NOT interested in him, but her big heart was too kind to tell him forcefully that it was never gonna happen and so we helped stage some interventions to get the message across in her sweet gentle way.

My (a) always found a way to Gabby's lap

 I have SO many wonderful memories.  In my grief this weekend, I couldn’t think of how many weeks we have been praying for healing for her body.  And then I was reminded of a message Gabby, herself, shared with me.  We served on praise team together for quite a while and she had this beautiful, almost edgy, voice.  She introduced me to a song called “Beautiful Things” that she loved to play on piano and sing.  She did a gorgeous job with it and I quickly came to love that song.  I downloaded it to my phone and used it for some retreats because I loved the message it shared.  Sometimes when my phone is connected to Bluetooth that song automatically starts playing (because it is first alphabetically) and even before she was sick, I always think of Gabby as soon as it starts.  When my heart was hurting this weekend, I opened my phone and turned on my Gabby song, Beautiful Things.  The words to the chorus and bridge hit me like a ton of bricks. 

You make beautiful things,

You make beautiful things out of the dust.

You make beautiful things,

You make beautiful things out of us.

You make beauty,

You are making me new.

The words “you make beauty, you are making me new” repeat over and over in the bridge, and it was like a gentle whisper from God.  He has made my sweet friend new.  We prayed and prayed for healing, and that is what she got.  No, it wasn’t the kind of healing we were praying for, but a healing that gave her a new body.  My heart is still hurting for our loss here, but after realizing the beauty of being made new, I can’t help but rejoice for her and all the beauty she must be experiencing with Jesus.  While it is common to hear the words “rest in peace” or “rest easy” I don’t think that is at all what I would say to my sweet friend Gabby if I could see her again.  I know “rest” wasn’t often in her style, she was working to do great things- and so instead of saying “rest” I would say SING His praises with that beautiful voice for all eternity.  DANCE on the streets of gold as you flash that bright smile.  You lived for Jesus on this earth, now CELEBRATE with Him in Heaven my sweet friend.  Thank you for all the lives you blessed, especially mine.

 

“He was seated on the throne said: “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5

Helping me teach VBS

Celebrating birthdays at church camp

The Week Before Kindergarten

 It’s the week before kindergarten.  In many ways I’m not even sure how we got here.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was snuggling a tiny baby or a wiggly toddler (ok, I’m still doing both thankfully- but it isn’t for him).  But here we are.

 

It’s the week before kindergarten, and in so many ways I know he is ready.  We have a new cowboy backpack and it is filled with school supplies.  We have a lunchbox and water bottle.  We have 5 new pairs of jeans that (currently) don’t have the knees blown out of them and a few new tops that do not (yet) have stains.  He is excited and has been wanting to go every since he went to Kindergarten Roundup back in March… and now it’s the week before kindergarten.

 

I look at him and see all the ways I have watched him grow this summer.  Not just the fact that he is inches taller- but he has grown in independence and responsibility, he has grown in work ethic and persistence.  I have watched him make new friends, introduce himself to (appropriate) strangers, and speak in fluid answers to questions from adults.  I have marveled at many of our conversations lately- his demeanor and vocabulary are changing and I feel like I’m talking to a bigger kid.  We had a Mama date this week and he didn’t even want to hold my hand as we walked across the fairgrounds.  But it is the week before kindergarten, so instead of feeling sad I am choosing to be thankful for this maturity because it will help him be ready.

Our rodeo date night... the week before kindergarten.

 But it is the week before kindergarten, and in other ways I worry if we have prepared him enough.  He still needs help cutting his food, he still needs a nap no matter how hard I have tried to wean him off of it, he often still cries if he can’t find me in the house or thinks he has been left alone.  He still sucks his thumb when he is tired, and he doesn’t always understand “personal space.”  We have really tried practicing that I will have to be “Mrs. Sweeney” and not “Mama” when he sees me on lunch line duty.  That I can’t come rescue him all the time, even though I’m right across the hall, and the novelty of “Mama’s school” is about to become the reality of “his school” where procedures must be followed.

 

It is the week before kindergarten, and in so many ways my heart is happy for him.  He LOVES to learn and he is going to soak it all in like a sponge.  He loves making new friends and there is a building full of new friends to meet.  Doors will be opened for new opportunities for him, and awards will be given that will sometimes have his name on them.  He will get to shine his light for Jesus and I’m sure he’ll be inviting his friends to his church.  He is excited about this adventure and that makes me excited for him.

 

But it is the week before kindergarten, and in many ways my heart is broken.  I know how quickly time has gone and I know once we start this journey it won’t be long before we are getting college recruitment letters.  I know he will meet some kids whose homes aren’t quite like ours and I will have to start answering harder questions or sharing realities that will hurt his tender heart.  I know our evenings will become a battleground for a few weeks as he adjusts to the exhaustion of the long days and we adjust to the crankiness that comes when he is exhausted.  My heart breaks to know his friends won’t get to see his big dimple smile because it is mandated to be behind a mask, and he won’t know the smiles of his new friends either. 

 

It is the week before kindergarten, and our lives are about to change.  So for today I will hold him a little tighter when he lets me give him a hug, I will cherish every conversation he jabbers on about, we will cram in a few more adventures, and I will try to hide my occasional tears- because it’s the week before kindergarten and I don’t want to miss out on a single minute or emotion of it. 

 

This is the first verse (a) memorized and he and I have been using it a lot lately as we have been preparing for kindergarten.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6