What DID Get Done for Christmas

 The stockings were hung, by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there! Unless St. Nick is coming to our house… cause in the hectic I never managed to finish decorating the mantles at either fireplace.  When that jolly ole elf arrives tonight, he is going to have to dig the stockings out of my Christmas tote so he can fill them. 

 

But if Santa has been watching, here is what he has seen this week.  Cookies were made, decorated, and eaten with a lot of hard work, determination, and giggles.  Christmas cards were delivered to local friends with a smile and a few even got a hug (if you aren’t local I’m just hoping it arrives in the mail before the New Year).  Christmas movies were watched with sweet snuggles all around.  The older two proudly shopped and picked out their own gifts for their siblings and each parent (and so far have managed to keep secret what they got us!)  We have viewed fantastic Christmas light displays with awe and wonder, and washed/set aside the Christmas jammies everyone is going to wear tonight.  And while the surface looks like adventures, what we have really been doing this week is making memories, sharing joy, doing things for one another out of love, and celebrating the birth of our Savior.

 

 If you ask (a) every song that comes on the radio must either be “Joy to the World” or “Go Tell it on the Mountain.” He has memorized some Christmas verses this year and is happy to share them.  He and I work a lot together on scripture memorization (my feelings on the importance of that is a whole lesson in itself), but more than just memorization we talk a lot about context.  We were working on Luke 2:12, and the second day he wanted to try it all on his own before practicing it together.  He proudly announced “This is your clue.  There is a baby in a feed bunk!”  Traditional wording, not quite. Context- pretty spot on.  As (b) decorated Christmas cookies there was a candle sitting on the counter burning to fill the house with the smell of Christmas.  Before he ate his cookie, I caught him leaning over the candle singing “Happy Birthday.” Happy Birthday, Jesus has been a favorite Christmas takeaway for him at two years old.  I think they get it. 

 

Late on the night of the 23^rd I was trying to plan a special goodbye from their elf, Elfie (the story goes that he flies back to the North Pole on Christmas Eve, so the morning of the 24^th is the last time they go looking for him in the house.)  As I walked into the basement living room I couldn’t help but notice the way (a) had set up their little nativity scene.  Instead of posing it facing outward as we typically see, he had every person and animal gathered into a semicircle turned toward and focused on the Baby Jesus.  It melted my heart, and made me thankful.  I threw out my original plan and took Elfie to join the scene of those who stared adoringly at Jesus.

 

No, this Christmas I didn’t get it all done (case in point- the presents I haven’t even started wrapping yet), but we got a lot done.  A lot of the good stuff.  And that’s what Christmas is all about- giving adoration to the one who gave the best gift of all.  Remembering the promise he fulfilled, and thanking him for ALL the good gifts he gives us every single day (especially the three snuggled around me watching Christmas movies with tummies full of cookies).

 

Merry Christmas from my family and One Life Out Loud!!

 

“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means God with us.” Matthew 1:23

Making a List, Checking it Twice

 There’s a song about Santa making a list and checking it twice.  I don’t know if that is accurate or not for that guy, but man does it describe this mama right before Christmas!!

 

As a teacher, this is one of the craziest weeks of the year- I have made two Stuff-Mart runs already to make sure I have everything for our various parties, festivities, Grinch Day, crafts, Secret Santa gifts, and dress up days.  My family is having our first Christmas this weekend, so there is a checklist for that event that is totally separate.  There are still several gifts to buy for various people, Christmas cards that need to be sent out, cookies to make, and so many other things to do.  I’m always making a list, and checking it at least twice.  The list eases a lot of the “hustle and bustle” for me and makes things less stressful, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t busy and often chaotic making sure I have everything on the list. 

 

Yesterday was “Grinch Day” in my classroom- one of those days with a LONG list of things I needed.  And no matter what day it is at school things are hectic in our house in the mornings.  I was feeling fairly calm, but just trying to check the list twice to make sure everyone had everything they needed.  (b) and (lk) were dressed and ready and I was hoping they would both just play quietly for a few minutes while we made the finishing touches on our daily run out the door.  Note I said HOPING they would play quietly, that doesn’t happen real often for (b), he is usually in turbo drive, and often in doing so, crashes into his baby sister and causes all out chaos.  However, yesterday morning I looked from the kitchen to the living room to find him sitting in the floor with his sister, holding a Christmas book about the animals’ reaction to the nativity to her, and telling her over and over in his little two-year-old voice about “Baby Jesus! See Baby Jesus!”  It was one of the sweetest things I have ever seen.  And she was very intrigued by his story and kept smiling at him and trying to grab the pages.  In the middle of my hectic, I had to stop and take some pictures, and say a little prayer of thanksgiving for the sweet reminder.

 

No matter how many times I check my list this Christmas, may it never take my focus from the beautiful simplicity of what this season is all about.  “Baby Jesus! See Baby Jesus!”

 

“She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name, Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” Matthew 1:21

All is "Calm"

 I ordered our Christmas cards earlier this week, and had to giggle at myself when I finished the order and then reconsidered the card I had chosen.  One the front it says “All is calm and bright.” It was pretty, had a faith-based influence, and could fit several pictures on it- those were my criteria in choosing a card design.  However, after hitting order I had to laugh at the statement, because truthfully, there is NOTHING calm about our household right now (evidence in point- I’m publishing my blog a day late).  There is a lot of joy, a lot of fun, a lot of memories being made, and a lot of love shared, but there is nothing “calm.” Instead, there is squealing and cackling of laughter, often some arguing or shouting over a toy or stolen item of high interest at the moment, and lots of requests for food.  There is often someone running, crying, or desperately looking for their lost boot, belt, backpack, or favorite pair of jeans. 

 

Calm is not a word I would ever use to describe our home (or honestly any of our children for that matter), but I would say it is safe, it is a place that encourages faith, hard work, cooperation, communication, fun, and interaction with one another.  We don’t appear calm when we are having a kitchen dance party of worship music, but in that my heart is calm.  We don’t appear calm when the three of them are playing together and all laughing at the top of their lungs, but in that my heart is calm.  We don’t look calm as they boys cheer for rodeo on the TV or barrel through the basement on their stick horses together, but my heart is calm as I watch them doing things they love together.

Not a lot of calm when cowboy (b) is watching the National Finals Rodeo

 There is very little calm in our day to day chaos.  But when they all are asleep and quiet falls over the house, I find myself reflecting.  There must have been moments that first Christmas that didn’t feel so calm either.  The challenge of traveling extremely pregnant, finding no place to stay in a busy city packed with travelers, and realizing the baby is coming when you are not at home.  And when I consider it that way, I wonder if calm may not always be the appearance on the outside, but more a state of the heart.  That place when you realize that God is still in control, He still has a plan, He is still working things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose, and He is still waiting for the invitation to pour His peace into your chaotic life.  Calm is knowing that I don’t know it all, can’t fix it all, and can’t do it all- but I know the one who can and turn to Him to sustain me. 

 

And so, if you see us “doin’ our thing” as a family, you may not see the appearance of calm, but maybe I can say “all is calm” as I know where my heart lies and who holds together all of our chaos.

 

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on Earth, peace to those on whom His favor rests.” Luke 2:14

Decorating Adjustments

 I say it every year, but it is always true, I love Christmas time.  The decorations, the songs, the foods, the special events, the movies and TV Christmas specials, the time spent with friends and family- I love it all.  But as I was decorating our home for Christmas this past weekend, I had to giggle at how much that process has changed over the past few years.  Sharing Christmas with our kiddos has brought a whole new spin on Christmas decorating. 

 

I have a beautiful, ceramic byzantine nativity scene.  And I haven’t set it up for four years.  Instead, our main nativity scene (I have several) is a plastic “Little People” brand nativity that was covered in sticky and had to be cleaned with baby wipes before I set it out.  There was a time I would have been horrified to decorate with a little plastic nativity, but now I set it out each year with joy.  It may not be as fancy, but it serves the purpose in an even better way.  You see our kids interact with it constantly which keeps us talking about the miracle of baby Jesus, how he was born in the stable, the shepherds to came to visit him, and the wisemen who brought gifts and worship.  While I will admit the constant play does lead to an occasional missing wiseman, and even one year baby Jesus himself disappeared for a couple days- the sticky fingerprints on the figures bring me joy to know that our kids are learning about and working to understand the truest meaning of Christmas.

I have always loved a big, beautiful tree covered in white lights and decorated with meaningful ornaments that represent our life and family.  Our kids however, also love to decorate the tree for Christmas and they prefer bold colors and most of the ornaments clumped together on 3 branches.  I struggled with this for a few years because I wanted to include (a) in the decorating process, but just couldn’t handle the finished product.  Last year we came up with a much better solution which is now thoroughly enjoyed by both boys, and their mama.  I purchased a six-foot tree that fit in their bedroom.  They picked out their own red lights to string on it and they are allowed to decorate it with their own ornaments however they would like.  I don’t step in and rearrange anything unless it is in danger of falling off and breaking.  They are so proud of their tree, and I am able to enjoy watching them decorate it (sometimes they even rearrange ornaments daily) without feeling any stress about how it looks.

There are many other traditions I have come to make adjustments on such as cookies that look more alien than snowman, pictures that are more precious than posed, listening to the same songs on repeat to practice for programs, and I know there will be many more through the years.  But I have learned to embrace these adjustments with joy- they won’t last forever and I will someday be desperately missing them. 

And my adjustments pale in comparison to the adjustments that were made on that first Christmas.  I can’t even imagine the humility of God taking on the limited form of a human baby.  I can’t fathom birthing one of my children in a stable because there was no place else for us to go and no one to attend to me but my husband.  I can only imagine how different it would be to share my baby for the first time with a group of strangers visiting instead of my friends and family.  But I will always give glory to God for making those adjustments- his perfect plan was far better than anything I might have considered.  And so, I will celebrate this season with joy and thankfulness, clumps of ornaments, crazy cookies, and a sticky plastic nativity- because our whole family is celebrating God’s best gift of all.

Give Thanks in All Circumstances

 Earlier this week, we drove to Indiana late in the evening to come visit family and friends for Thanksgiving.  As we drove across the dark interstate one child was crying fighting sleep, another was screaming at the top of his lungs simply because he has discovered his screaming voice and thinks it is HILARIOUS, and the third was crying in frustration because he was annoyed with all the crying from the other two.  (A) and I were feeling a bit overwhelmed with all the crying from the backseat and looked at each other with pained expressions, then I giggled and told him I had just been teaching my high school youth group kids that we are called to give thanks in ALLLL circumstances.  That night I was thankful all three of them have healthy lungs, and then maybe a little more thankful when they all gave up and fell asleep for the rest of the trip.

 

The past year has been full of “circumstances.”  Some of those days it was extremely easy to be thankful, like the day sweet (lk) was born, and the afternoon we got to introduce her to her adoring big brothers.  It was easy to be thankful on summer mornings when the kids enjoyed the sunshine of being outside and we had the leisure of no schedule.  It was easy to be thankful on days when my family was all together, when my students enjoyed cool projects I had planned for them, when we spent the evenings with friends, or shared a rare date day.  But I can’t lie, some days have been much harder to be thankful.  It was hard to be thankful when the dr started worrying about pre-eclampsia, when we were living in quarantine and feeling extremely stressed, and on the days when teaching was HARD.  It was hard to feel thankful when loved ones experienced health issues, when they found a mass in my lung, when a friend passed so very young, and on days when I was mentally and emotionally drained from trying to juggle it all.  However, those hard days and circumstances don’t change the calling God has given us to “give thanks in all circumstances.” 

 All circumstances… to me that reminds me that thankfulness is not a feeling dependent on what is happening, but an attitude with which I should live.  Thankful that even on the hard days I know He is holding me up, and on the good days He has blessed me beyond measure.  Thankful that in difficult circumstances I still know who holds tomorrow, even when I don’t know what tomorrow holds. 

 

Today, we will hop in the truck with our kids to make some Thanksgiving rounds.  I doubt that they will be perfect car riders all day, and amid the food and the family there will probably be moments I feel overwhelmed with wrangling everyone.  But I know that I am overwhelmingly blessed as well, and so I will try, with all my heart, to give thanks in all circumstances. 

 

Happy Thanksgiving!!

 

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Cheering Section

 I firmly believe that life requires a cheering section- some people who have your back and encourage you in all your joys and trials.  I’m pretty sure I believe in this cheering section idea because I grew up with such a strong one.  A family who loved me enough to encourage and support me on both the best and worst days, who reminded me who I was and whose I was, told me not all days would be this hard in the tough times, and kept me humble because not all days would be as amazing as the good ones.  I’m thankful to still have the support and influence of that cheering section, and that they are helping me pass that on to the next generation. 

 

I realize how incredibly blessed I was (and still am) to have that kind of a family, that isn’t the way it happens in all homes.  I have two awesome parents who work hard, serve others, give of their time, talents, and resources, and are fully committed to their faith, family, and each other.  They are a pretty epic example in my opinion.  A little over a week ago, I was able to capture some of my favorite photos of them that I have ever taken.  They are not perfectly posed photos, they are actually a little blurry, and the lighting isn’t amazing, but the moment they captured will forever be etched in my heart. 

 

At the recent American Angus Convention, my dad was elected to serve on the Board of Directors of the American Angus Association.  This is a huge honor and responsibility, and a dream has been on his heart for several years now.  He has committed his entire career to the beef cattle industry and the Angus breed in particular- and my mom has been there right beside him for the past 40+ years of that time.  While she doesn’t work cows beside him, she is the cheering section that has his back, picks him up, keeps him humble, and makes sure his shirt and tie are appropriately coordinated when he is headed off the farm for events.  For years I have watched them work together to support the industry and the people behind the livestock, I can’t help but be proud of them.  And because our parents were always there for us, it was an easy decision for the three of us girls to be at the convention supporting Dad’s run for the board.  The morning of the election meeting, we sat with Mom (and part of the son-in-laws and grandkids) towards the back of the room, while Dad was up front in the area where he was supposed to be sitting with the Indiana voting delegates.  After the results of the election were announced, we were able to clap and smile broadly, but since there was other official meeting business for the delegates to vote on, it was nearly another hour before things adjourned and we were able to physically see Dad.  When the time came, my mom made a beeline for the front of the room, and I followed after her with my camera in hand.  I was able to capture the moment she got to hug him in congratulations, the cowboy kiss his best girl in thanks for her support, and the look of joy on both of their faces.  This was honestly a celebration for both of them, something they had worked for together- Dad out front, and Mom in the cheering section.  They make me proud to be their daughter.  They make me hope that some day my grown children will look at (A) and me the way I look at them.  They encourage me to show our kids how to be a part of the cheering section.

 

“And let us consider how we may spur oen another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25

Baggage

Traveling with children is an entirely different ballgame.  This weekend we will by flying with our kiddos for the first time.  I will just admit I have never spent so much time planning and calculating a trip. 

 

Usually, I see how much I can cram in my free carry-on bag and off we go.  But planning to fly with young children has been a totally different experience.  I have spent days figuring out what everyone needs, what bag they will be packed in, what things we will be in big trouble if we forget (we don’t have a rental car, so no runs to the StuffMart if we forgot something), and how to keep everyone entertained during the travel portion.  At the same time, I’m concerned about packing TOO much and having overweight suitcases as well as the excess stress of dragging around stuff we didn’t really need.  It has been an eventful process to say the least.

How do ya pack up all this gear, cuteness, AND luggage

It has also sounded much like a conversation I had this week about my life, stress level, and workload in multiple areas of my life.  One of the “coaches” I work with suggested to me this week that I should make a list of the things I need to get done (that was a silly request… spend 2 minutes with me and you would quickly realize my life is always running off 2-3 lists).  She also suggested I prioritize the list in the order it needs to be completed (again, duh, that is always how a list works, right?!) But THEN she said I should go through the list and start determining what could be done by someone else and start delegating off those tasks.  Ouch…. It really sounds like a super helpful plan, just not something I have ever been good at.

 

 Some of the things on my to do list are excess baggage- things that are weighing me down, stressing me out, and I need to pass them off.  As I have checked off the travel “packing” list I keep reminding myself… you don’t need to take it all.  Perhaps I need to apply that concept to other areas of my life.  There is definitely some stress-baggage I could pass off and allow my Savior to carry for me, for He is much stronger than I am, and he doesn’t have to work from a list.

 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Standing in the Gaps

 Over the weekend I had two dear friends reach out and check on me because they hadn’t seen my writing for a few weeks.  I can’t tell you how much that meant to me, because it meant the words of this ministry mean something.  And I am still here!! Just currently living in a challenging season where finding the balance between all things of parenting, marriage, work, ministry, rest, keeping my people fed and clothed has all been VERY hard. 

 

Fall is a hectic time at school where we juggle parent teacher conferences, field trips, special education conferences, and various other things that arise all on top of the day-to-day learning and working to meet the needs of all the different students in the two grade levels within my classroom (and there is no fall break here, Indiana friends).  At home we are busy conquering kindergarten homework (which thankfully (a) loves), trying to keep (b) from making 497 messes per evening, starting (lk) on solid foods, and managing the levels of how much they truly love each other from turning into the attacking sort of love where everyone is crying because the hugs and giggles turned into chasing, injuries, and tears of exhaustion.  It is a beautiful, messy life- and I am completely exhausted and have not had an adult conversation with my husband in 2 weeks.

 

Trying to do it all, be it all, make sure it is all covered has left me feeling inadequate in every area of my life.  I don’t feel like I am enough for my students, my own family, my ministry, or my own physical and mental health.  But after Bible study last night, a dear friend walked up to me, looked into my tired eyes and told me, “I feel like God wants me to remind you that you ARE enough, and HE will fill in the gaps where you can’t.”  I can’t tell you what those words meant to me. 

 

Growing up, I spent a lot of hours sorting and working cattle with my dad.  I know how important it is to have someone stand in the gaps for you.  With someone solid standing in the gaps, moving cattle where they need to go can be a smooth and easy process.  Without that, it can be a frustrating disaster where you get nothing accomplished no matter how long you work.  While I feel like I have been moving cattle without any help lately, the reality is I just need to open my eyes and see that He is filling in the gaps for me.  That with his help I can accomplish the things that I NEED to get done, and the other things he will provide for through someone else, or give me peace that they really didn’t HAVE to happen.  Standing in the gaps… it is a simple job but is a huge necessity.  What a feeling of reassurance and comfort, He is standing in the gaps for me- I don’t have to feel alone in all I juggle and all I do- He is standing right beside me making me enough.

 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Teaching and Learning

 I’m a pretty subpar mom.  I have SO much to learn.  I’m not awesome or amazing in any ways.  I turn into “screamy mommy” more days than I care to admit, there are mountains of laundry that are undone, I’m not the queen of healthy meals, and my two year old doesn’t do any cool academic tricks.  (a) was doing math homework at 8:30 one night this week because I forgot to check his backpack before that point.  (lk) has spent the first five months of her life strapped to me in a kangaroo pouch while I tend to her brothers (sorry to break it to those who thought that she would be spoiled since she is our last and a girl- spoiled she is not, tough however she will be).  (b) is often covered in bug bites because he lives outside but I’m not good at remembering the bug spray.  I could go on and on and on in the ways I do not measure up as any kind of an amazing mom and all the things I still need to learn to be better.

 

But we are trying really hard to raise kids that are better humans than we are (shouldn’t that always be the goal?).  I’m constantly hammering the boys on their manners and the way they treat others.  I worry often about their listening skills (or lack thereof), and work daily to instill work ethic, independence, and persistence.  With (a), I have also been trying to help him memorize several scriptures.  I have explained that it is important, because when you have God’s Word in your heart you carry it with you always and have it when you need it for any situation, even if your Bible isn’t handy.  Teaching this concept to a kindergartener has not been easy.  One day he informed me the only thing in his heart was “the bump-bump” pounding (and he wasn’t trying to be a smartypants).  As I’m teaching him, I’m learning a lot.  I’m learning that some concepts are very hard to grasp when you are young and that as the teacher, I need to have better explanations.  Each morning on our way to school we try to work on a memory verse, but this has also taught me so much about how I grasp God’s Word and pass it on- some days I find myself struggling to explain the verse in a way that can be understood by a five-year-old.  Then I wonder if I really understand it if I can’t explain it.

 The more I teach, the more I realize I have to learn.  Whether it is with my kids, in my classroom, or preparing to teach for speaking engagements- I always find myself learning the most, or being the most challenged in my learning, when I teach.  This week I’m teaching what are (in my opinion) the two hardest lesson of common core math that exist in my 4^th grade curriculum.  This week they have gone better than any other year I have taught them, and I realized something, as I have worked at learning how to teach them more effectively, students are catching on to them more easily.  I am preparing for a speaking engagement this weekend, and the more I prep to teach and lead, the more Biblical truths I’m discovering for my own heart. 

 

I still have so much to learn. Thank you God, for your “on the job” teacher training for this mom (and in so many areas of my life).

 

“Keep this book of the law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.” Joshua 1:8

Yet through my grief...

 There are moments in life that sometimes my heart just doesn’t understand.  It has taken me nearly a week to put words to paper to describe the heartache at losing my friend, Gabby.  While I grieve her loss, I have also found myself reminded of the things she taught me.

 

Gabby was a student in our youth group for many years while we were in ministry in North Vernon.  She was gorgeous and talented, but bigger than that, she had a heart for God and for others.  Because she was involved in many aspects of the church, we were frequently working together and became close friends.  I had the opportunity to be her adult “prayer partner” many years when the youth group took their annual CIY and mission trips.  I always spent a significant amount of time writing out cards for her to open each day of the trip about how I would be praying for her that day- and I loved being able to do it for her because of the conversations it brought when they returned.  She was always so thankful and gracious and bubbling with joy to tell me all about the trip and how much she loved having a card to open each day.  Her smile and laugh were infections, you couldn’t help but smile too when you were in her presence. 

 

She was a driven student who was always working her tail off to do the best she could in school.  In many ways her work habits reminded me of my high school “self” and because we were close, I shared with her on a few occasions my biggest high school regret was working so hard for grades and achievements that I sometimes missed out on sharing moments with my friends.  We had conversations about how there would be times in life it was ok to take that A- instead of the A+ if it meant making a memory with friends.  And we were SO proud of her when that drive took her where she wanted to be through high school and college to become a NICU nurse following graduation. 

 

“Gabby Gabby,” as she was known by her friends, had a heart for service and others.  It was a blast to serve with her on our church camp team because she was always right in the middle of what the kids were doing encouraging them, cheering them on, and pointing them toward Jesus.  Gabby didn’t shy away from an opportunity to dress up in some crazy outfit if it served the kids at VBS or put on the fanny pack of necessities for church camp.  She was “all in” with the brightest smile on her face, even if it meant spending her birthday with 80 elementary kids at camp.  She also worked in the daycare that was owned by the church where she was a HUGE favorite friend of our son (a).  They were big buddies and she always brought a smile to his face.  As I mourned this weekend, I read back through our text message thread that is still in my phone and found pictures she had sent me of (a) smiling and being silly with her and one I had sent her teasing that her mom had snatched her buddy (a) and he was beaming in her mom’s arms instead of hers.  Her heart of others was so big I even remember, with a giggle, talking her through how to gently but clearly get a “friend zone” message across to a boy who wouldn’t stop following her (he wasn’t a creeper, just love struck and following like a lost puppy).  She was NOT interested in him, but her big heart was too kind to tell him forcefully that it was never gonna happen and so we helped stage some interventions to get the message across in her sweet gentle way.

My (a) always found a way to Gabby's lap

 I have SO many wonderful memories.  In my grief this weekend, I couldn’t think of how many weeks we have been praying for healing for her body.  And then I was reminded of a message Gabby, herself, shared with me.  We served on praise team together for quite a while and she had this beautiful, almost edgy, voice.  She introduced me to a song called “Beautiful Things” that she loved to play on piano and sing.  She did a gorgeous job with it and I quickly came to love that song.  I downloaded it to my phone and used it for some retreats because I loved the message it shared.  Sometimes when my phone is connected to Bluetooth that song automatically starts playing (because it is first alphabetically) and even before she was sick, I always think of Gabby as soon as it starts.  When my heart was hurting this weekend, I opened my phone and turned on my Gabby song, Beautiful Things.  The words to the chorus and bridge hit me like a ton of bricks. 

You make beautiful things,

You make beautiful things out of the dust.

You make beautiful things,

You make beautiful things out of us.

You make beauty,

You are making me new.

The words “you make beauty, you are making me new” repeat over and over in the bridge, and it was like a gentle whisper from God.  He has made my sweet friend new.  We prayed and prayed for healing, and that is what she got.  No, it wasn’t the kind of healing we were praying for, but a healing that gave her a new body.  My heart is still hurting for our loss here, but after realizing the beauty of being made new, I can’t help but rejoice for her and all the beauty she must be experiencing with Jesus.  While it is common to hear the words “rest in peace” or “rest easy” I don’t think that is at all what I would say to my sweet friend Gabby if I could see her again.  I know “rest” wasn’t often in her style, she was working to do great things- and so instead of saying “rest” I would say SING His praises with that beautiful voice for all eternity.  DANCE on the streets of gold as you flash that bright smile.  You lived for Jesus on this earth, now CELEBRATE with Him in Heaven my sweet friend.  Thank you for all the lives you blessed, especially mine.

 

“He was seated on the throne said: “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21:5

Helping me teach VBS

Celebrating birthdays at church camp

The Week Before Kindergarten

 It’s the week before kindergarten.  In many ways I’m not even sure how we got here.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was snuggling a tiny baby or a wiggly toddler (ok, I’m still doing both thankfully- but it isn’t for him).  But here we are.

 

It’s the week before kindergarten, and in so many ways I know he is ready.  We have a new cowboy backpack and it is filled with school supplies.  We have a lunchbox and water bottle.  We have 5 new pairs of jeans that (currently) don’t have the knees blown out of them and a few new tops that do not (yet) have stains.  He is excited and has been wanting to go every since he went to Kindergarten Roundup back in March… and now it’s the week before kindergarten.

 

I look at him and see all the ways I have watched him grow this summer.  Not just the fact that he is inches taller- but he has grown in independence and responsibility, he has grown in work ethic and persistence.  I have watched him make new friends, introduce himself to (appropriate) strangers, and speak in fluid answers to questions from adults.  I have marveled at many of our conversations lately- his demeanor and vocabulary are changing and I feel like I’m talking to a bigger kid.  We had a Mama date this week and he didn’t even want to hold my hand as we walked across the fairgrounds.  But it is the week before kindergarten, so instead of feeling sad I am choosing to be thankful for this maturity because it will help him be ready.

Our rodeo date night... the week before kindergarten.

 But it is the week before kindergarten, and in other ways I worry if we have prepared him enough.  He still needs help cutting his food, he still needs a nap no matter how hard I have tried to wean him off of it, he often still cries if he can’t find me in the house or thinks he has been left alone.  He still sucks his thumb when he is tired, and he doesn’t always understand “personal space.”  We have really tried practicing that I will have to be “Mrs. Sweeney” and not “Mama” when he sees me on lunch line duty.  That I can’t come rescue him all the time, even though I’m right across the hall, and the novelty of “Mama’s school” is about to become the reality of “his school” where procedures must be followed.

 

It is the week before kindergarten, and in so many ways my heart is happy for him.  He LOVES to learn and he is going to soak it all in like a sponge.  He loves making new friends and there is a building full of new friends to meet.  Doors will be opened for new opportunities for him, and awards will be given that will sometimes have his name on them.  He will get to shine his light for Jesus and I’m sure he’ll be inviting his friends to his church.  He is excited about this adventure and that makes me excited for him.

 

But it is the week before kindergarten, and in many ways my heart is broken.  I know how quickly time has gone and I know once we start this journey it won’t be long before we are getting college recruitment letters.  I know he will meet some kids whose homes aren’t quite like ours and I will have to start answering harder questions or sharing realities that will hurt his tender heart.  I know our evenings will become a battleground for a few weeks as he adjusts to the exhaustion of the long days and we adjust to the crankiness that comes when he is exhausted.  My heart breaks to know his friends won’t get to see his big dimple smile because it is mandated to be behind a mask, and he won’t know the smiles of his new friends either. 

 

It is the week before kindergarten, and our lives are about to change.  So for today I will hold him a little tighter when he lets me give him a hug, I will cherish every conversation he jabbers on about, we will cram in a few more adventures, and I will try to hide my occasional tears- because it’s the week before kindergarten and I don’t want to miss out on a single minute or emotion of it. 

 

This is the first verse (a) memorized and he and I have been using it a lot lately as we have been preparing for kindergarten.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Watching

 There is a sign that hangs on the side of the arena where (a) participates in jr rodeo reminding everyone that sportsmanship matters, because younger contestants are watching.  I snapped a picture of it when we were there last weekend.  I really like the reminder, because I am the mom of one of those little guys who is watching.  I’m thankful that he has made friends with some other REALLY great kids around that arena.  Some of them are his age, but a few of them are older than him, and it makes him feel pretty special to get to hang out with his big kid friends.  They have been helping him practice his roping in the weeks between rodeos and he is excited to watch them compete in their own events and he loves to cheer for them from the stands.  He even told me the other day about all the events he wants to do as he gets older because they are the ones that one friend in particular does.  He is watching, and wants to be like that too.

But the sign doesn’t only hang for older contestants, it is a reminder to parents too.  Our sportsmanship, encouragement of others, the way we talk to and about the kids- it matters also, because they are watching.  I’m so thankful that we have had a great experience with other parents encouraging and cheering for (a) and the friends he has gotten to know- and we try to do the same for his friends.  At the end of the day, these competitions are really about learning, growing, gaining confidence, working hard, and building relationships. 

 

It’s not only true around the rodeo arena however, I have been reminded in the last couple weeks that they are watching my every move. (b) is still learning to talk, but his actions show how much he is constantly watching- from the way he throws the burp cloth over his shoulder when he wants to hold his sister, to the way he attempts to cinch a saddle on a hay bale- he is watching and mimicking my every move.   I’ve had a few particularly rough days lately- nothing Earth shattering, but still very frustrating to the point of tears.  One afternoon I called (A) crying as I had just gotten some extremely stressful news.  I was pouring out all my frustrations too him about that situation and a few others and didn’t realize that (a) was standing close enough to listen to my side of the conversation and see me crying.  When I got off the phone he very hesitantly announced that there was something he needed to tell me about a mess he accidently made but he added, “but mama, I really don’t want to tell you this because it is going to make you cry again.”  I felt terrible.  I didn’t want him to think he couldn’t bring his problems to me simply because I was having a very stressful day.  I quickly assured him that, though it was a major mess to deal with, it was not his fault, just an accident and I was not going to cry over that.  I felt about an inch tall.

 

I still have a long way to go in learning how to juggle the balance of allowing them to see me as a fallible human who experiences real emotions and seeing me as the mom who is their protector and barrier from all those and therefore needs to hide some of her emotions.  And I’m sure that will forever be a learning process as a parent.  Because they will ALWAYS be watching.

 

“In everything set them an example by doing what is good.  In your teaching show integrity, seriousness, and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned” Titus 2:7

Living Their Best Life

Life with small children is never boring- especially when you are convinced you might have the most mischievous two-year-old on the planet.   Summer days allow for lots of adventures around here, some that are a blast, others I regret allowing from time to time.  I tend to be somewhat of an “old school” mom- I don’t allow a lot of screen time/TV time and instead we are outside quite a bit. 

 

Over the last five years of parenting I have REALLY tried to embrace the dirt and messes that come with adventure.  Sometimes that is REALLY hard for me.  I would like for my house to be clean, instead it is usually a total disaster area.  I would like for my body to stop aching, but that isn’t going to happen while I am hauling the kids around.  I like order and organization and peace, and there is VERY little of that in our life right now.  But in the last few weeks, I have tried SO hard to let go of some of that control and embrace letting them “live their best lives” as kids.  And here is what I have observed… mud puddle playing until every inch of (b) was soaked and his pants were falling down.  Hair spray paint that doesn’t wash out on the first try.  Screams of joy as they ran through the sprinkler.  Smiles and giggles from floor play with (lk).  Gator rides, scooter whizzing, and roping practice.  Huge imaginations creating situations that have to be solved.  Animals being fed and cared for and loved on.  Hilarious conversations I never want to forget and 5,793 questions per day.   Amazement as crop duster planes fly close overhead, and a million sticky summer snacks of popsicles and drinks being consumed.  

 

Do I always handle these adventures and escapades well? NOPE! Don’t ask my boys about my reaction to the bottle of sunscreen entirely squeezed out on my bedroom carpet, or the tub water all over the floor that is leaking through and ruining the ceiling tiles in our basement.  But I’m discovering when I let go of a lot of my control, I get to experience a lot of wonder and creativity, fun and giggles, learning and responsibility developing. 

 

It makes me wonder what else I would observe if I could learn to let go of some of my control in other areas of my life.  Could I experience relationships more fully if I let my guard down? Could I find more joy in some areas if I could relinquish my need for perfection?  Would I notice more little things if I wasn’t so focused on the “to do” list and schedule?  While I have no plans on giving up hard work or striving to do my best at all things I do- there are levels of control that I could definitely learn to release. 

 

As my Sunday School class discussed this issue last week, I found myself admitting that I often fail to submit to God’s plan because I battle such tendency to want to be in control of my life and situations.  Sometimes this has led to hard lessons or outcomes that could have gone much differently or less stressfully.  Learning to let go of my control over dirt and messes and order is allow my kids to “live their best life”.  And I have a feeling that remembering to let go of my control and handing it over to God would often allow me to live my “best life” too. 

 

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10 

Number 2 is TWO

 This morning we woke up to a two-year-old boy.  I will never understand how time passes so quickly.  His birth story was so chaotic and so much like a storyline from a sitcom, that I still can’t believe two years have passed since that day. 

 

At first I was nervous about our decision to have a third child, because I was concerned that (b) might get lost in the shuffle as the middle child.  But long before (lk) arrived he made it very clear there was NO CHANCE he would ever get lost in a shuffle.  He is the comedian of our crew, and brings the ornery to our house.  He is a thinker and a planner, and often uses that plan to make others laugh.  His smile and laughter are infectious, and he has a sound effect for nearly every action he does throughout the day.  He wants to be like his big brother, but he is also very much his own person.  He adores his baby sister and showers her with kisses, while also antagonizing her by stealing her pacifier from her mouth multiple times a day.  He loves all things to do with “horshes”, cows, and tractors. He will sit for an hour watching westerns where cows and horses might be spotted, but has zero interest in cartoons that most kids his age like. 

 

Learning to parent a “middle child” has been as much as a learning curve as taking care of a new baby.  I have learned to be on the lookout for his twinkling side eye, as it is always a dead giveaway that he is plotting mischief.  He has figured out that while I feed his sister there is nothing I can do to stop said mischief- so that is when he turns it up to 10 (usually chasing big brother with a toilet plunger, or sucking on the baby’s paci).  I’m learning these are his way of telling me he needs my attention, or reminding me that he is not going to let himself be forgotten. 

 

He is fearless to the point that I am terrified for his safety all the time, but beneath that tough exterior he is tenderhearted and loves others.  He makes sure to say “hi” and “bye” to everyone he sees in every public setting, and is known at daycare for his “attacking hugs” which are full of love but way too rough. 

 

He is too funny to take in a serious setting, and too busy to turn your head for a moment.  He makes too many messes for me to clean up in a day, but is too sweet to stay mad at for very long.  He is too fast for me to chase when he has something he isn’t supposed to, and too sweet of a snuggler to let go of first thing in the morning.  He is too curious for his own good, and at the same time too smart to squelch that curiosity.  And today he is TWO.

 

We are so very thankful for you, (b)! And we pray you will always use that big personality to point others to Jesus.  Happy Birthday sweet, silly boy!

 

“Sons are indeed a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward.” Psalms 127:3

Just Like Dad

 I have spent the first 37 years of my life fortunate enough to be the daughter of an amazing dad (see our story if you don't know it ).  But now I have also spent the last 5 ½ years watching my kids admire the awesome dads in their lives- and I will admit, it is so precious to see. 

 

I can’t lie, in the eyes of my children, it wouldn’t matter if I fell in a hole somewhere and never reappeared (except when they want something to eat) because I can’t begin to hold a candle to how amazing they think their daddy is.  If I come to pick them up from daycare I’m usually greeted with a sad face and asked “Why didn’t Daddy come get us?”  If something only allows one parent, Daddy is always the choice.  When there are bedtime stories to be read, it is always Daddy who gets the honor of reading.  When snuggles are needed they must always come from Daddy, and when Daddy can’t go somewhere with us there are usually a LOT of tears.  While I would REALLY love the opportunity to read a bedtime story every now and then, it brings me a LOT of joy to watch how much they love their daddy.  The bond they share is special and there is no doubt they want to be just like him.

Photo Credit: La Di Da Photography LLC

  I often watch them interacting and find myself humming one of the songs I know about little boys looking up to their dad.  Just this past Sunday, (a) decided he would wear a sport coat, because it is what (A) wears to church and he announced, “And I’m going to help Daddy do his job!” One day last week (b) decided he would put in contacts, because that is what (A) does every morning and while (A) was rescuing his contacts, (b) quickly grabbed the razor his daddy had set down and attempted to shave.  While it led to a cut on his cheek and another on his lip, he was determined to be just like Daddy.

 

And not only do they want to be just like their Daddy, they want to be just like OUR dads as well.  This spring, after watching my dad work in the sales box to talk commentary for a cattle sale, (a) made a determined announcement that “When I grow up, I want to be cowboy, a preacher, a superhero, and whatever Poppa Loran is!”  They have a ritual with (A)’s dad of singing a little song about riding a pony while they bounce on his knee, and now that he has younger siblings and younger cousins, (a) wants to bounce them on his knee and sing the song their Papaw sings.

Yes, this Father’s Day I’m so thankful for the guys who my little guys want to be.  And most importantly, I’m thankful they follow Jesus and set an example of Him for my little guys to see.  After all, He is the one I want them to be the most like.

 

Happy Father’s Day!!

 

“And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers…” Malachi 4:6

Running

 In the spring of 2017, I took up running.  If you were a reader back then you may remember my story of feeling like God was specifically telling me to do this, even though I felt like it was a crazy thing to be “called” to do.  Little did I know what the next year and a half of my life would look like.  While I was never an amazing runner and never earned any awards, running got me through a LOT of hard days.  It was a great way to expend frustration, anger, pain, sadness, anxiety, and emotional weariness- to just go pound it out on the pavement.  Some days I even had a good cry as I ran, and by the time I was done I always felt at least a little bit better about myself and my life. 

(A), (a), and me after completing our first 5K in the summer of 2017

 Half way through my pregnancy with (b) I stopped running as it was really making my back hurt at that stage of the game.  Unfortunately, with two littles it became almost impossible to find time to go run and I have had not yet had the opportunity to take it back up.  Now with three I find myself running in a lot of ways, but none of them are down the road (by choice).  I am often running late or running down the hall after (b) who is usually wielding a toilet brush or plunger.  I am running low on patience, running on emotional fumes, running to grab a spit-up rag, or running a plan by my mom or my husband. 

 

I miss running for exercise, I miss running for my mental health.  I miss running after my passions, I miss running in-and-out of anyplace QUICKLY.  Running taught me endurance, it taught me I was tougher and stronger than I thought, running gave me discipline, and running taught me I was capable of things I never dreamed I could (or would want to) do.

 

I very much hope I am able to run again some day (maybe even sooner rather than later), but for today as “running” looks very different, I will remember even in this crazy kind of running- the lessons God taught me still hold true.  With His help, I am tougher and stronger than I think, and in His grace I am capable of doing things I didn’t think I could do.  And with that in mind… I will just keep running.

 

“I run in the path of your commands, for you have broadened my understanding.” Psalms 119:32

Practice

 Our local youth rodeo series began a couple weeks ago, and that means big fun has begun for my little cowboys.  It is the second year that (a) has participated, and by the end of the summer (b) will be joining him for one event this year.  I will be very clear up front and say that we are not doing this for our kids to win awards or titles.  Most important to us are the fact that it is something they love, they are learning important life lessons, and making the kind of friends and mentors we are please for them to have.  HOWEVER, we would like to not be totally embarrassed by their performance, and if they happen to win some prize money or awards along the way that would be great. 

 

As we headed toward the first rodeo, I had a serious talk with (a) about what events he wanted to participate in and we discussed that if he was going to do these, he would need to be practicing.  Entries were due a week before the rodeo and he adamantly chose to participate in mutton bustin’, dummy roping, and goat tail untieing.  Now mutton bustin’ is hard to practice when you don’t have any sheep readily available, but he has a roping dummy and several things that could function for goat tail practice.  For the past few months, he has been practicing the goat tail event (as has (b) which is hilarious because he incorporates sound effects), but he was NOT doing a great job practicing his roping.  Because of this I seriously questioned him when he was determined to enter the event.  I gave in to his request, but told him I had high expectations for him to practice.  That night practice was a total disaster.  At one point or another all three kids were hit in the head with the rope (which is pretty stiff and has a pretty good sting if it gets ya), his form was embarrassingly terrible from lack of practice, and his attitude stunk.  Before the evening was over, I was in tears and pretty frustrated that I had given in to his request to be entered.  The other practices of the week weren’t much better and I was beginning to think about how I could hide behind a tree and pretend NOT to be the mom of this contestant when it was his turn.  Thankfully a quick trip home to Indiana landed him a roping practice with his Aunt Kayda (who is good at it and knows FAAARRRR more than either one of his parents).  She has the patience of Job with this child, and through some bribery and sweet talking, was able to get him to listen to her lessons on form and technique.  To all of our shock and amazement, the day of the rodeo he had three legal catches out of his 6 attempts (too bad two of them were during practice and not competition).  A little feeling of accomplishment went a long way, and he is now eagerly having roping practice in our yard almost every evening.  He sent a video to his three-month-old cousin last night and told him “I’m having roping practice.  I have practice every night because practice is important!” 

What a change of perspective- he was frustrated originally and didn’t want to practice because he wasn’t any good.  But he has now learned that he isn’t going to be good without the practice and it is making a difference.  While I wasn’t happy with him about his perspective at first, I realize I am often the same way.  I forget that so many things in life take practice.  I want to feel successful without practice, when in reality if I am going to have any success I need to practice.  Practice using patience, practice loving others when it is hard, practice exercising self-control, practice biting my tongue when something doesn’t need to be said, practice appreciating others, practicing to pray and waiting on an answer.  The opportunities come every single day- even (or maybe most especially in) my own house.  Lord, help me be willing to practice becoming who you want me to be.

 

“Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:9

Complete

It was a fun day for deliveries at our house today.  Two separate packages arrived that completed some sets I have been building for the last five years.  One was a set of canvas photographs.  When we were expecting (a) we took a picture of just our feet with a pair of baby cowboy boots between ours.  We repeated the same pose with our family when I was expecting (b) and one more time with (lk).  I had waited all these years to print them because I wanted to have a complete set and make sure I printed them as the same size and format.  The second package to arrive was a special figurine.  While I am typically NOT a collector of “things,” for several years I have been growing a collection of Willow Tree figures from many different occasions.  By far my most special of these pieces though are the ones (A) has added for me with each child.  Today my set arrived depicting all 5 of us together as a family. 

Original professional photos by Tammy Williams Photography, Emily Curtis, and La Di Da Photography LLC.  All three are fantastic and I would totally recommend them- the changes just happened because of our move and their availability because of that.

It is always fun to have new home décor, so of course I was excited to get these pieces, but more than that it was a special feeling in my heart of completeness.  I hadn’t printed the canvas photographs until I felt like we had taken all the pictures.  I love my little statues, but the one with all 5 of us felt like it belonged in the middle as a completion of that part of the collection. 

 

The last three weeks as a new family of 5 have been crazy, stressful, exhausting, and hard, BUT they have also been a lot of fun, have filled my heart with joy, and stretched my capacity to love.  For the first time, I look at our family and my heart feels complete.  It COULD be the fact that all our bedrooms are full, all the seats in our vehicles are occupied, and my washer and dryer never have a break, but I really don’t think that is the real reason.  I truly believe it is because these are the precious littles that God was calling us to raise.  We weren’t done after the first because he was created to be an amazing big brother to his siblings.  We weren’t done after the second because he needed the opportunity to show us what a heart he had for being a helper (not to mention his deep desire to be the comedian of our crew).  While our third hasn’t yet had a chance to show her personality, we know God has big plans for her life as well- and we know that we were called to raise these three blessings to love and serve the Lord.  My heart feels an overwhelming amount of peace and joy as it now feels whole and complete. 

 

For me, there is always a sense of bittersweet that comes when I know something is complete.  When I graduated high school, I was excited for the future, but there was a small sense of sadness for what was over.  When I graduated college, I was thrilled to be looking toward marriage and a teaching career, but there was some sadness at parting ways with incredible friends and leaving a campus I loved.  When the chapter of our lives in Indiana closed, we were excited about the future of a new ministry and new friends to be made, but there was also a lot of sadness about leaving many things and people we loved.  My heart has felt a little of the same way the last few weeks.  I am so thankful for this family God has given us and I feel so blessed for the opportunity to raise them, but there is a twinge of sadness to experience all the “firsts” for the last time, to pack up my maternity clothes to pass them on, and to know my days of enjoying pregnancy are over.  Complete comes with both a huge sense of accomplishment, peace, and joy, but also all the questions about the unknown future. 

 

While I don’t know what the future looks like, what joys and heartbreaks parenthood holds for us, I am thankful to know the One who does know.  And I am thankful that He holds that future in the palm of His hands.  While our family may be complete, He has not completed His work with me.  In three particular ways it has just begun…

 

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6