It Won't Last Long

 I think some days raising little ones is like surviving winter.  Winter is often harsh, challenging, and it seems like everything I want to do takes longer in the winter.  Cooking isn’t as fast because I don’t often brave the cold to use the grill, going outside is harder because you have to bundle up, the nights are LOOONNNGGG the days are short, and the cold and dark make my brain foggy. 

 

Having little ones is in the house can also be harsh (some of the things little boys can say to you are BRUTALLY honest), challenging, and EVERYTHING I want to do takes longer.  Though (a) is about to turn 5, he still has the difficult sleep pattern of a newborn- the kind where we are up every 1-2 hours with him- so the nights are LOOONNNGG, but the days are short, and all the chaos and noise often make my brain foggy.

 

But the other thing about winter is this… it doesn’t last long.  The beautiful snow that fell yesterday will be gone in a day or two, the days are already getting longer, and spring will be here soon changing many of the circumstances that are brought by winter. 

 

And as I look at the faces of my sweet littles, I realize the exact same thing… it won’t last long.  (a) has already decided he is too big to take a bath and wants to take his own shower every morning with “big kid” soap, brush his own teeth, gel his hair, use deodorant (which totally cracks me up, but we sure aren’t going to discourage good hygiene habits), and use “toothpicks” to clean his ears- all on his own.  (b) is learning a new word every day, and becomes more independent by the minute.  Like the snow on the ground, if I blink my eyes it will be over and everything will be changing. 

 

So this morning I will take just an extra minute to enjoy the beauty of the snow- it won’t last long.  And last night, despite the monumentous amount of work it took to get them bundled up in winter gear to go spend 30 minutes in the barn, I took an extra minute or two to just watch them play, giggle at the cuteness of being all bundled up like marshmallows, snap a quick picture or two, and take in their laughter and the moment… because it won’t last long. 

 

“Jesus said, ‘Let the little children coe to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’” Matthew 19:14

Quarantine Chronicles

 There is currently a small, toy children’s mop drying in the downstairs shower.  It is drying out because (b) decided yesterday he would dunk it in the toilet so he could mop the carpet in the basement living room.  Where was his momma while this was happening? Teaching math.  From the computer in my basement office. 

 

As is the case with MANY families I know, a COVID diagnosis landed us in lockdown and I was NOT prepared for the fact that it would take a much more difficult toll on my mental health than my physical health.  The home we love, with acres of land to enjoy, sits way back off the road in the woods… where no company can bring us internet that is any faster than the equivalent of dial-up.  For day to day emails and such it isn’t a big deal, but when it comes to working full time remotely it is a TOTALLY different ball game.  And so, we improvise.  My school is fully remote right now, so along with a live Google Meet daily I am also spending HOURS a day making instructional lesson videos… from my CAR in the school parking lot where I can access high speed internet.  It is working- but is definitely the most unconventional thing I have done in my whole career. 

 

From home, I can use my dial-up speed hotspot to access the things I need in my Google Suite for Education so I can check student work and post many of my daily assignments.  I have also found a way to film my math lessons from home so that all I have to do from the car is upload them.  While teaching remotely will NEVER be my preference, I feel like I mostly have figured out how to make it work.  What I do NOT have figured out is how to teach full time and “mom” full time from the same space. 

 

The mop incident was just one of many crazy adventures I was not prepared for. (a) is my HGTV watching buddy in the evenings, so he can quote nearly every commercial for cleaning products that are in our house.  And he has been breaking into the locked cleaning supply cabinet and emerging with products as he quotes all their benefits and uses while begging to use them.  He has used so much glass cleaner on our sliding doors that there is a film instead of a sparkle.  There are some sections of kitchen tile grout that are quite clean from magic erasers and he would like to go through every Swiffer mop pad in the house.  I think they are intentionally making messes on the carpet because he is just dying for an opportunity to use some rug cleaner.  He is also using the opportunity of my work distraction to raid the cabinets and refrigerator.  I’m sure they have consumed more junk food than I even knew was in the house, and seem to think our kitchen is an endless buffet.  In the meantime, (b) is dragging shoes from every closet and wearing them around the house and trying to jump rope with random cords he is unplugging from the wall.  And in my state of mom “survival mode” I have mostly just ignored, tried not to cry, and intervened only for safety issues. 

 

Quarantine with children is NOT for the faint of heart.  My hats off to all the families juggling work from home and remote learning- ya’ll are rock stars.  However, there have been some sweet moments where I have looked up and caught (a) reading to (b), found them eating cheese sticks and strawberries under a blanket in the sunshine, or (a) working hard to keep practicing writing his letters and working letter puzzles. 

Yes, we will survive (though I might emerge with a few more gray hairs than I started with).  (A) and I are officially free, and the boys only have a few days left.  We are thankful that our health situation was VERY mild, and we will be very thankful to put our Quarantine Chronicles as a humorous memory from the past instead of the stressful reality of the present.  Now I better go find out what that crash was in the hallway…

 

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” Psalms 54:4

Moving Forward

 I’m going to admit something for all the world to read… my husband is a wise man.  Wise in his study and wise in his counsel (and he is tired of listening to his wife worry and cry).  You see for the last several months, actually since about March, I have spent a lot of energy worrying over and fearing for our children’s future.  I follow current events and I understand history.  I have watching the venomous political climate from both sides of the aisle, the social unrest throughout the country, the way politics can sway economics so drastically, everyone has a firm belief on their science, their opinion, their truth,  and how all of this has pit friends and family hatefully against each other from behind the safety of a keyboard and social media platform. 

 

For months this has sent me reeling and feeling desperate about the world in which we are raising our children and fearful for their futures.  Last week on a particularly difficult day, my husband, in his wisdom, suggested I go back to the book of Nehemiah (he knows I’m an Old Testament junkie) and just re-read the account of what was happening.  He also reminded me that despite how I was feeling by watching current events, God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him.  If you are unfamiliar with the story of Nehemiah, here is the “Kristi’s notes version”- the walls of Jerusalem were in ruins and what had been God’s city was decimated.  His people were scattered in every direction as they had been conquered and it really looked like most hope was lost.  But Nehemiah (who was a layman and somewhat of a political figure- NOT the priest or prophet of the time) had on his heart to rebuild the city walls and bring glory to God.  And with some help from a faithful few, that is exactly what he did.  It came with a lot of opposition, some threats, and some people who thought he was crazy.  When the walls were finished the people gathered for a celebration, and Ezra, the spiritual leader, got out the book of God’s law and began reading it to the people.  When he did this they realized just how terribly far they had come from what God called them to be, and they were heartbroken and crying, and tearing their clothes.  But then “The Levites calmed all the people , saying, “Be STILL, for this is a holy day.  Do not grieve.” Nehemiah 8:11  And there it was… my breath caught in my throat as I read… BE STILL… my word for the year.  For this is a holy day, do not grieve.

 

Here I have been grieving for my children the simpler days of what the world was like when I was their age, and stressing about their futures, but that is not what I’m called to do.  Ezra went on to tell the people that it was true, they had messed up, but that wasn’t what mattered going forward.  They were working NOW to do the right thing, to restore God’s city and to reunite God’s people, they were working to NOW follow what God was calling them to do, and they should rejoice in that and in his word. 

 

And so, moving forward, I am determined to readjust my heart.  While I still may shake my head at the world around me or try to make wise decisions in regards to it- I am done grieving for my children, because honestly, there is more important work to be done.  The work of teaching them and raising them to love the Lord, to stand for His truth, and to be who He called them to be.  That instead of just worrying about the world around them, to be like Nehemiah and do something about it.  Reminding them it may not always be popular or easy, but God did not ever promise us popular or easy in life.  When I look into their sweet, ornery faces I will look with hope for the future instead of fear, and with the peace of knowing that God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him.  And in that peace… I am moving forward.

But STILL

 As the new year approached, I began to pray about what word God would like me to focus on this year.  This is something I have done for the past few years.  Some years it has been a very quick, audible answer.  The first year I took a word it wasn’t even something I was looking for, but something that God called me to do.  This year it took a little more time to determine what my word would be.  A few things bounced around before God made it clear… STILL.  My word for the year is STILL.

 

There were some Bible verses I immediately thought of when I heard the word STILL, but within those verses the word STILL means different things.  As a matter of fact, when I looked at the dictionary entry for the word STILL, I discovered it can be used as four different parts of speech- a noun, a verb, an adverb, and an adjective.  And within those 4 parts of speech there are at least six different meanings.  I must admit, that feels a little daunting, because as I look at the year ahead, I just have a feeling God is going to be teaching me about many of those different meanings and how they require me to depend on Him.

 

Yesterday evening was very emotional for me.  It was a hectic day at school as usual, followed by a teachers’ meeting as soon as the students left and then a couple more hours of work to get report cards printed, digital materials posted for my remote learning students, parent messages responded to, and supplies organized for the next morning.  I hadn’t been paying any attention to my phone or any sort of news source since my break at lunch many hours earlier.  As I prepared to leave my classroom for the night around 5:00, I picked up my phone off my desk only to find multiple news notifications about current events at the Capital Building.  Immediately, I could feel panic rising inside me.  I had been following some of the new developments out of the congress the last couple days and this last news was the final straw to tip me into full blown anxiety.  I found myself in tears of fear, frustration, and worry.  And in a gentle voice, God reminded me, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations.  I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10  While many people may not be acknowledging God’s sovereignty, it does not change the fact that he WILL be exalted, and my anxious heart needs to be STILL (adjective meaning) and trust Him.  In my still very emotional state (full disclosure- probably a combo of current events AND hormones) I began texting my mom about what was going on.  As a part of her response she noted that no matter what, “God is STILL on the throne.”  There it was again… STILL  (adverb meaning). 

The beach has always been one of my favorite places to be STILL.

 I don’t even want to pretend I know what this year is going to bring to our lives.  I know there will be days as I mom that I need to STILL myself (verb meaning) from all the distractions and just focus on my little ones.  I know there will be times I will wonder how long teaching will STILL involve restrictions.  And I know it will take a lot of practice for me to be STILL and let God lead- because I usually am a person who wants to quickly jump to ACTION.  But despite whatever this year brings, He will STILL be Lord of my life.  He will STILL be exalted.  He will STILL hold me in the palm of His hand.  And I will STILL trust Him for each step of the way, because even STILL He is faithful. 

 

I look forward to sharing with you this year all the things I am STILL learning.  #beSTILL #butSTILL