Stuck

 Oh winter in the Midwest.  It has been good to us the last few years and things have been quite mild.  The last two weeks that has not been the case.  Last week’s four-ish inches of snow and bitter cold was no fun, but we were still able to get in and out of the driveway at careful speeds for me to access high speed internet for e-learning and attend to dr appointments.  This week’s twelve-ish inches has been a different story.  Clearing a long, gravel driveway into the woods is not very feasible, and the part we have tried to clear up by the garage has a thick layer of ice underneath where last week’s snow was hard packed.  The combination has left us “stuck” in more ways than one.  While I have not ventured out, (A) has had to go to the office the last two days, and both days has found himself stuck in the driveway where I have been called to come man the wheel while he chops and digs at the ice underneath that is causing the problem.  I have felt rather “stuck” as once again I am teaching remotely WITH our sweet boys needing more attention than I have to go in all the directions I am needed (God bless that families that have been doing this for the last 11 months, you are rock stars!)  Stuck is a hard place to be!

 

In the last year, I feel like I have been “stuck” more times than usual.  Stuck at home, stuck in a food rut where I fix the same 5 meals, often “stuck” in my writing, and stuck in a set of circumstances that we can’t control.  Stuck is a hard place to be.  It wears on me mentally and emotionally.  (A) and I have often commented that while I feel like maybe I’m more hormonal this pregnancy, we are honestly quite sure it the much more immense amount of stress I am under this time around.  Due to COVID and snow, our family has been stuck in our home for the greater part of 2021 so far, and I can feel the ridiculous amount of toys and “to do” projects suffocating me.  Stuck wears on my physically too as the weather has made me less active than usual- which is normally an outlet for stress. 

 

But some of the “stuck” has made me giggle too.  (a) has given us some great one-liners throughout all this, especially after he got stuck in the snow the other day (which was well up past his knees) and announced “the snow is bigger than my legs!”  (b) has decided he is tired of being stuck in the high chair and has used the three-meals-a-day-at-home to insist on joining us at a seat around the “big table” instead of in his high chair pulled up beside us.  While we were stuck without power for 5 hours Tuesday morning they found grand adventure in us snuggling up by the fireplace and were completely and hilariously perplexed at the fact they couldn’t turn on the lights or tv and had no understanding of why they couldn’t open the fridge and stand looking for what they wanted to eat.  They weren’t upset by these things, just totally confused.  And their peanut gallery comments while the car has been stuck have made me giggle (though I’m not sure their daddy would agree with their criticisms of his work to get things moving!)

And here is the good news, we won’t be stuck forever.  The forecast for next week should bring on a thaw to get things moving.  I pulled up my recipe app last night and found something new and different for dinner (that was a hit!)  Stuck is a hard place to be, but I’m SO thankful we don’t have to stay there!

 

“Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to MOVE ON.”” Exodus 14:15

Peace in the Unplanned

 One of my strengths, and also weaknesses is that I am a planner.  I plan my school lessons a week ahead and get the copies made for the next week on Fridays.  I like to plan our family’s calendar so we know who is supposed to be where and when we are supposed to be there.  I try to plan meals and outfits ahead of time, and I especially like to plan for special occasions and holidays.  In many ways this is a strength, as it helps decrease stress, manage time, and coordinate the chaos that is our busy life.  In other ways it is a terrible weakness as re-grouping when plans change can be very stressful for me. 

 

This has been one of those weeks that was well planned out, and then totally changed 14 times.  While the winter weather has been pretty, it has turned my well-planned week into something totally different.  We were only in-person for school one day this week, so my copies will go to the scrap paper pile, I’m scrambling with the unknown to replan my students’ beloved Valentine party.  I realize some of my kiddos don’t have all the text books they would typically need, and doggone it, I didn’t get to wear my cute Valentine dress to school today.  My family had a hectic week of after-school appointments that we had been planning for, only to re-plan them factoring in extra time for the bad road conditions.  And as I sat last night planning my school work for today (Thursday and Friday are usually the days I spend my prep time planning and preparing for the next week) I realized I don’t even know how to plan as the weather forecast for next week is questionable at best as more snow and ice is predicted for our region. 

 

But then early this morning I sat snuggling a little guy in footie pajamas who woke up about 5:15.  As I cuddled with him I watched the light starting to peek into the sky, and I thought about all the blessings that have come from this week.  While a LOT of things were still accomplished, the pace at which they happened has been drastically different.  And God gently reminded me of my word for 2021, “STILL.”  This week I have actually had some time to be still, some time to do things I never would have done otherwise.  I rarely drop our boys off at daycare because it is the opposite direction of my school, but this week I was able to take them (cause face it, we learned during quarantine that remote teaching and having littles at home is NOT an amazing combination) and we had some pretty fun and adorable conversations on those slow, snowy drives.  Since our home internet consists of my phone hotspot and is little more than dial-up speed, I then have driven a few blocks from daycare to an amazing little coffee shop in our downtown where I can use their high speed internet and a quiet corner to accomplish hours and hours of productive school work while also enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and a breakfast sandwich- two things that would usually never have the chance to accompany my hectic day.  And by having the chance to work for hours daily without many of usual interruptions (classroom phone, meetings, remembering to post lunch count, etc), it is the first time in MONTHS I have actually felt like my head was somewhat above water on school work.  There really are some wonderful silver linings to the unplanned. 

 While I still don’t know what is going to happen for the beloved Valentine party (ya’ll- that is a BIG deal in elementary school), I don’t know if (a) will get to deliver treats to his church friends on Sunday, I don’t know what the weather holds for this next week, and I don’t know how to plan for those things, I’m learning to find some beautiful peace in the unplanned. 

 

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

What I Didn't Know I Didn't Know

 Five years ago this morning was also a Thursday.  We left the house very early, a bundle of nerves and excitement.  We each had a bag on our shoulder as we walked hand in hand into the hospital to have our first baby.  There were some things we knew that morning.  We knew our lives were about to change forever.  We knew we were having a little boy and we knew what we were going to name him.  We knew he was breech, so I would be having a c-section, which I knew would come with some recovery difficulties. 

 

There were also things we KNEW that we didn’t know.  We knew we didn’t know much about parenting, but knew we could learn as we went.  We knew that we didn’t know what he was going to look like, or that he would have 2 deep dimples that would melt our hearts in just a look.  We knew we didn’t know much about figuring out a sleep pattern with an infant, and we would be winging it as we went.

 

But what we really didn’t know, was what didn’t know.  I didn’t know that I didn’t know how my heart could so easily expand to love another.  I didn’t know that I didn’t know how much more I would appreciate my husband as I watched him care for us, and saw the fear on his face when my recovery complications were MUCH worse than we had ever anticipated. 

 

And as five years have flown past us, there have been so many more things that we didn’t know we didn’t know.  I didn’t know there would be SO many questions that I wouldn’t know how to answer.  I didn’t know that there would be so many times I wouldn’t know how to fix the toy or make the injury feel better.  I didn’t know there was so much I didn’t know about rodeo or super heroes.  I didn’t know that I wouldn’t know how to handle friendships that weren’t always the best influences or that I wouldn’t know how to help his broken heart when he was missing his friends who were the best influences and dearest supporters.  I didn’t know there would be so many times I would marvel at what he said or did, because I didn’t know he was capable of that task yet or had never heard him use that vocabulary before. 

 

In five years, there has been SO much that I didn’t know I didn’t know.  And that discovery has brought so much joy in parenting.  Every day is a new adventure.  Some days the adventure is exhausting and extremely challenging.  Some days it is the best ride ever.  I learn something new every day, and experience new moments I never want to forget. 

 

If I have learned anything by being a momma it’s this: there is so much I didn’t know I didn’t know- and those precious pearls of discovery are priceless gems.

 

Happy 5^th Birthday, (a)! Thank you for teaching me so much and helping me love bigger than I knew I was capable of.