Fearless

On Sunday afternoon we went to the zoo.  My sister had given us tickets last year as part of (a)’s Christmas gift (seriously SO awesome! I love experiences as opposed to things), and we had been trying to find a chance to go before they expired… I know, nothing like waiting til the last minute.  The weather was perfect, and because it was a Sunday there was NO CROWD (I probably shouldn’t share this secret as I told (A) all future zoo trips would happen on Sunday afternoons).  It was the PERFECT chance to get a great up-close look at the animals without having to jockey for space at the prime window locations.  We had a blast watching (a) point out the elephants’ hay, pet every single goat in the petting zoo, and cheer when the baby gorilla- who is about his size- came right over to the window near him.  When we got to the tiger enclosure I was curious as to what he would think.  As we came up to the glass the tiger was coming our direction.  I found his size to be impressive and couldn’t help but think how beautiful but scary powerful he looked as he came our way.  I was a little concerned as he got closer to us on the other side of the glass, because I thought (a) might be intimidated and scared by him.  But I was completely wrong- (a) got SO excited he cheered and walked up to the glass and roared at the tiger!!  The kid is fearless… when faced with the situation where many would be frightened or back down, he stepped up and roared in the face of the “fear.”  (A) and I looked at each other and couldn’t help but laugh… and the tiger turned around and peed on the glass haha!! 

It was pretty funny, and he kept talking about the tiger for a while, but it also got me thinking… when does that fear factor change? At his size the tiger was so much bigger, and should probably have been terrifying at such close range, but he wasn’t afraid.  When do we start to look at things and lose our fearlessness? When they look hard? When someone hurts our feelings?  When we don’t know what to do?  As I think about my life, I realize there are so many things I am afraid of.  I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of racoons, I am afraid of making mistakes, I fear the unknown, I fear new beginnings, I fear losing who and what I love, I fear standing up for myself, I fear taking risks, some weeks I even fear hitting “publish” because I’m afraid of what you might think of me after reading this.  I look at that big personality in that little boy and I wish I could have some of his fearlessness- I also wish I could keep him fearless like that forever.  Because I know there will come a day, as he grows, that he will start to fear some of the things I am afraid of, and that breaks my heart for him already. 

Back in July I had the privilege to go to Dallas for a few days to attend a conference for my small business.  It was a great week of learning and fun with girlfriends, but even more powerful and important than the training I received, was something God placed on my heart during the last general session of the week.  One unit of women was crossing stage to be honored for having a $1 million year as a collective group, and as they crossed and introduced themselves, they each carried a sign with a single “power word” that they had used as a personal mantra for the year.  They said things like grow, believe, courageous, help, lead.  And as they continued to come God whispered deep into my heart.  I will admit there have been VERY few times when I have felt like I heard God so clearly as I did that morning, but there was no denying it.  I knew none of the women on stage at the time, so I’m sure it looked ridiculous as I sat in my seat moved to the point of tears, but I could not ignore that God very plainly told me to take on 4 words to hold on to- BRAVE, CONFIDENT, POSITIVE, GRATEFUL.   I knew those were areas in my life that He wanted to work, and quite frankly that alone was scary.  See those are areas where I feel pretty weak.  I would never consider myself brave, I struggle to be confident, I TRY to be positive but it takes a constant effort, and I have to continually remind myself to be grateful.  Still, as I said earlier, it was one of the rarest times I have heard God so clearly, so I wrote the words down in a few places and started repeating them to myself daily.  I had no idea why these words were so important, but I made it my mission to start living in such a way that I focused on being brave, confident, positive, and grateful.

 I will also admit that “brave” was the word that confused me the most at first.  I understand that being confident in who I am as a child of the King is important, and that my heart’s overflow of gratefulness and positive attitude is imperative, but brave?? Why brave, God? I had NO IDEA what the next few months of our life were going to hold, and how perfectly God had planned for me to start living those words.  I am still working daily on them, and many days it is a real struggle, but I see now why God told me those were the areas He wanted to focus on.  I was going to have to be brave to trust Him as we leapt in to the unknown and I started having to face huge fears on a daily basis.   I want to learn to be fearless again like a child, and I am finding that the only way to do that is to put my unknowns into the hands of the God I do know. 

We are told time and time again in the Bible to fear not, or do not be afraid.  It sounds so simple, but yet is so hard.  As I think about my son and how fearless he is I also realize this- he knows that the bigger people with him love him, and are going to protect him, and wouldn’t put him in a situation where he could get seriously hurt, and so it is easier for him to be fearless because he trusts that with us around he does not have anything to fear.  When I look at my life, and how I want to become brave and fearless again, I just have to remember, the bigger ONE who is with me loves me, He is going to protect me, and He will hold me up in any situation where I feel hurt.  I want to be brave, I want to look at my “tiger” and roar in its face because I am fiercely loved by a God who is bigger than all my fears.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

Beauty Changes

I don’t know why, but a memory from a Sunday evening this past June is burned in my brain.  It had been one of those extremely HOT days, unusually hot for June, so we had decided not to do our run until around 8:00 that evening.  Due to the stroller/safety/amount of traffic on our little county road we chose to go back to town to run at the park.  On the way home about 9:30 it has JUST gotten dark as we topped a hill on the county road and came down into a valley where there was a PERFECT stand of beautiful dark green corn (yes, the farm girl in me still notices those important details about the neighbor’s corn crop) about waist high and just above the corn were more lightning bugs than I had seen in a long time.  There were THOUSANDS of them.  And in the light that was just fading, the sight was so breathtaking I stopped the car, turned off the headlights, and just admired the beauty.  It was the perfect scene, we had just finished a great run, the three of us were all together, it was a summer Sunday night so I didn’t have the stress of work the next day, it was just such a beautiful sight and feeling that I just couldn’t stop breathing it in. I wanted that beauty to last forever.  We couldn’t linger for more than a few minutes (after all, I was sitting in the road with my headlights off) but I held on to the visual memory and the feeling even after we drove on home.

Last night, on the way home, I took that same road and for some reason when I topped the hill to come down into the valley it just hit me… how much can change in a few months’ time.  The corn is now harvested, nothing is left in the field but the brown/gray stalks on the ground, it was about 4 hours earlier, but the daylight was almost gone, the plentiful lightning bugs of summer were replaced by several deer standing in the field hoping to find some grain the combine missed, and the feelings in my heart are much different.  HOWEVER, despite the twinge of pain I felt as I thought about all the change, I couldn’t help but notice there was still so much beauty in the place.  The colors of the fading sunset were spectacular, there are still a few leaves on the trees beside the field that were reminders of the beauty of the fall, the deer were peaceful, and the way the whole valley looked in that dusk color scheme reminded me that beauty is still there, it just changes.

Yesterday was my mom’s birthday.  Now let me just say, I hope her genes for “looks” run strong in me because the woman somehow manages to look YOUNGER every year!! But, I think about how her beauty has changed to me.  As a little girl I thought my mom was beautiful because if her big 80’s permed fluffy hair, large clip on earrings, and dress clothes that she wore to teach in.  As a teenager, I thought my mom was beautiful because she tried to stay on trend with her clothing, she got RID of the fluffy 80’s perm, and she managed to maintain beautifully painted (real!) fingernails.  As an adult, I look at my mom and still see SO MUCH outer beauty, but what makes her most beautiful to me now is the look on her face when she plays with my son, the love in her voice when I’m crying in her arms, the willingness to come at a moment’s notice if I need her, the concern she takes to fix family meals around my hubby’s diet for health issues, the fact that she prays over us unceasingly… THOSE are the beauty marks I see the most now.  There is SO much beauty to her, but how I view it changes. 

In this season of Thankfulness, I will admit, I have really struggled some days to find beauty in the broken.  There has been a lot of change in our lives that has been hard.  But I am learning this… beauty changes.  Some things that once seemed commonplace, are now cherished treasures, and things that I thought were beautiful treasures are now faded and tarnished through the eyes of my heart.  I am so very grateful that GOD does NOT change and what we have through Him will last forever.  There is always still SO MUCH beauty in the many things in life He is given us, we just have to see that as the seasons of our life change, our perspective on beauty, changes.

“One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.”   Psalm 27:4

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!! I am so thankfully for YOU, my blog readers and followers.  Your encouragement to my heart means more that I can tell you.  

The Guilt Game

I don’t like to play games I can’t win… and trust me- I have found plenty of them!  I have always been a rather unathletic, uncoordinated girl.  From the time I was in elementary school I dreaded PE days.  No matter what, I felt like I couldn’t win.  If it was individual activities, such as the evil jump rope, I would end up covered in welts and other painful injuries because I was not coordinated enough to win even against myself.  When it was a team activity, I was almost always one of the last kids chosen, because it was no secret that I was not a fast runner, or a home run hitter, or a play maker… I was just a warm body, and SOMEONE had to pick me because the teachers wouldn’t let anyone sit out- so I couldn’t even “win” at avoidance. 

As a woman, there is a game I find myself in more often than I care to think about… The Guilt Game… and how matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to win.  I have always heard that comparison is the thief of joy, but I will also say that I believe guilt is a thief of joy as well.  I don’t know if men battle it or not, but as a woman that sneaky guilt piece seems to follow me wherever I go.  If I am at work, I feel guilty that I am not with (a), if I am playing with (a) I feel guilty about all the things I’m not getting done around the house.   If I am working around the house, I feel guilty that I am not spending time with my guys.  If I am eating chocolate, there is the guilt that I shouldn’t be doing that if I didn’t run that night.  When I am reading a good book, I feel guilty for not getting some rest, but then many nights I lay awake from rest feeling guilty about not doing something to stimulate my brain.  There is so much we can have guilt about.  I know other women who battle my same feelings of guilt, but from their own perspectives- stay at home moms who feel guilty for not contributing financially or feel guilty for their child’s lack of social interaction with peers, talented women who feel guilty about not having time to share talent, but those sharing talent who feel guilty for taking the time to do so... the list goes on and on.

Now, I will admit, there is a time and a place for guilt.  If you have truly done something wrong, sin, then we certainly should feel guilty! But the guilt I’m talking about is the kind that Satan whispers to us.  This kind of guilt lies and tells us we are not enough.  It says you aren’t doing enough, you can’t be enough, and what you have in you isn’t good enough.  The reality is, this simply isn’t true.  God tells us that we are His, we are loved, and we were made in his image to do good works. 

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10

This weekend I had two precious reminders about releasing that lying kind of guilt from two mentors that I truly admire.  I had the opportunity to attend a conference for my small business.  And I will admit, while I went to learn, I went even more for some much needed “girl time.”  Cue the first reason for guilt… “I SHOULD be here to learn something to advance my business.”  Soon upon arrival I ran into a mentor whom I love and respect immensely.  She is a major leader in our company, but has the most beautiful shining spirit for Jesus that radiates out of her and over the last few years we have bonded over both being minister’s wives and moms of young children.  We gave hugs and discussed how excited we were for the conference to begin.  She asked my friend standing next to me if she was looking forward to the class for those advancing into leadership, and my friend said yes, she was excited about it.  Then my gorgeous mentor turned to me and asked the same question… and in my heart, the whisper of guilt began, see I have not opted for that path currently, due to our life circumstances.  I took a deep breath and then briefly filled her in on our current ministry transition and finished by telling her that due to that I haven’t chosen to join the advancing group.  I waited for her to tell me that I was wrong, and I should be pushing through, and looking for advancement to be the perfect answer to our situation, but instead she gave me the most wonderful gift.  She took my hand and said, “I understand, I have been there, it is ok to do what you have to do sometimes, and I do not want you to have ANY GUILT about that.”  The hugest wave of relief flooded my body, it was probably even evident on my face! To hear someone I admire and respect so much tell me (and remind me again as we walked away from the conversation a few minutes later) that I did not need to feel any guilt about simply doing the best I could for me, made me feel as if the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.  And truthfully, it opened my heart up to hear things that God had waiting for me during the conference that I would not have heard if I had been listening to that liar, guilt. 

Later in the conference, another mentor and I were discussing the guilt that comes with juggling the many hats I wear.  She was in my shoes once, but it was many years ago, she has moved to a different stage of life now and can offer wonderful advice looking back at those extremely busy years.  She told me that life is often like a filing cabinet.  We have many different drawers to our lives.  Right now, I have the drawers as Christian, wife, mom, teacher, consultant, ministry roles, friend, daughter, sister, and so many more things.  She reminded me that you have to be careful with a filing cabinet- if you have too many drawers open at once the whole thing comes crashing over on top of you.  She suggested that the best way to fight the lying kind of guilt is to try not to have too many drawers open at once.  Some drawers are going to stay open all the time, like Christian.  But when my teacher drawer is open, I can’t worry about the consultant drawer, and when the mom drawer is open I can’t worry about the teacher drawer.  If I can learn to close some drawers some of the time, all the sudden that guilt game starts to look like something I might be able to win. 

When the lying kind of guilt creeps it, it steals our joy and holds us back from being everything that God created us to be.  It is a distraction that keeps us from from doing the good work God has planned for us.  I’m grateful for the “freeing” reminders I received this past weekend, and the reality that I serve a God who has called me to find who I am in HIM, created to do HIS works, and when I hold on to that truth… the guilt game is one I CAN win.  

Photo credit: YouVersion Bible App stock photo

When to Hold On & When to Let Go

The first year I was in “regular” 4-H (the kind where I was no longer in Mini and could take ‘real’ projects) I had high aspirations.  I was going to be a barrel racer!  During my years of Mini 4-H Horse & Pony (when I was only allowed to be in walk/trot classes) I had watched the older girls barrel race, and I thought it was SO awesome!! I couldn’t wait for the day that I would get to compete against them.  There were just a few problems with this plan… I was not exactly an incredible horseman, just sort of a solid ok.  And my horse was trained to work cattle- he knew how to focus in on one thing and react QUICKLY to the object of his focus. We didn’t have any kind of horse arena for me to practice in, and my dad was a very busy farmer who didn’t have a lot of extra time to devote to helping his 10-year-old first year 4-Her practice her barrel racing.  This wasn’t exactly a great combination of scenarios for the beginning of my barrel racing career.  The week before the fair we were having one of my rare practice sessions out on the hard fescue sod of the cattle pasture when I turned my horse around the last barrel and told him to “head home.”  As I mentioned earlier, he was pretty quick- far too quick for a girl who was only a solid ok on horseback and when he focused on something there was no distracting him from that.  This particular evening, he was very ready to run when I pointed his focus to the last barrel, and he quite frankly ran right out from underneath me.  I remember a slight bounce in the saddle made me lose my footing in the stirrups and I was quickly sliding off the side of my horse as he ran across the pasture at his top speed.  Though more than 20 years have passed, I distinctly remember them moment I had to make the choice to hold on or let go.  I had always been told to be tough and hang on no matter what, but I also realized that it could be dangerous to keep hanging on now that I no longer had any control and I was really more on the side of the horse instead of his back.  I knew letting go was going to HURT, but I had to make a quick decision- was it safer to let go or to hold on for dear life?

This decision is something I have thought a lot about lately.  When is it best to hang on for dear life, and when (though it will HURT) is it best to let go?  There are so many things I hold on to… my favorite skinny clothes from college, programs and tickets from special events and concerts, art projects from students who have long since moved on, dried flowers from the rare occasions my hubby did something romantic, notes and cards sent by special friends, the hope I one day will fit back in those favorite skinny clothes… and sometimes, no matter how much I want to hang on to them, these things really start to pile up and weigh me down.  When I was expecting (a) I had to have a massive purge of many of these items to make room for his nursery.  And I found something out… while many of these things brought back great memories or fond thoughts- I was able to part with much more than I thought was possible at the time I had stored it away in the spare closet.  There were a few items that I still could not let go of, but for the most part, though there was a twinge of pain, I let go to make the room for something so much better… sweet little baby things and new memories to be made.

Other things however, are worth holding on to for dear life.  Last week, while we were at Trunk or Treat, we snapped a family photo with (a) dressed up in his outfit between us.  I posted the photo to social media and smiled at how it captured his spunk, but a very dear friend pointed out something else the picture captured… the fact that (a) had both of us “in his clutches.”  I giggled at how true it was- he had quite a grip on my necklace in one hand and his daddy’s shirt collar in the other, but I also swallowed a lump in my throat as I realized how much that represented.  In the past couple months, the three of us have clung to each other for dear life- some days literally, and others figuratively- but either way, when things that we had placed security in were gone, we clung to one of the few things that was going to get us through- each other.  We have learned that jobs come and go, some friends will back away, financial security is not guaranteed, comfort zones can collapse, but the love and support of your family is worth hanging on to for dear life. 

Mom and Dad are "in the clutches" of this little cowboy.

Recently I have been praying a lot about knowing when to hold on and when, though it hurts, it is best to let go.  I have been reminded of the story from the book of Genesis about when Lot and his family fled Sodom and Gomorrah.  The angels who swept his family out of the city made it very clear that they were to flee quickly and NOT LOOK BACK, but Lot’s wife couldn’t help herself- she chose to look back at the city and God turned her in to a pillar of salt.  As a child in Sunday School I remember thinking, what a dingbat! God made his directions very clear, but she still chose to disobey- why would she do such a crazy thing!? But as an adult I also now realize she had friends in that city, memories in that city, she left worldly possessions, her home, maybe even extended family members in that city- it would have been INCREDIBLY hard to not look back at those things.  But despite all those things, God’s plan for her was better and she had to be willing to let go and follow that plan- something she was just not able to do.  I don’t want to find myself in the position of Lot’s wife… so attached to the things I’m “leaving behind” that I am unwilling to follow his plan for my life. 

So back to the barrel racing decision… the initial fall to the hard ground HURT, but I chose not to risk being dragged or stomped on and I let go.  However, I had a dad who loved me enough not to let that be the end of the story.  He reminded me that no matter what, you have to get back on the horse and remind him that you are in charge.  I did so for a few minutes that night, but I also did it the next week too at our 4-H Horse and Pony show…  when I entered the ring in the barrel racing competition.  I use the term “competition” loosely as I did NOT allow my horse to go any faster than a complete dead WALK haha, but I rebounded from the hurt of letting go and proved to myself that I could get back up again.  And I was rewarded with many cheers from the crowd who knew my story- it didn’t matter that we finished dead last.  I had let go but got back up again- and that made me feel victorious (and was also the prompt end to my barrel racing career). 

I pray that God will help me hang on for dear life to the things that are important- His promises, my faith in Him, the love and support of my family and faithful friends.  But that I will also know when to make the painful choice to LET GO so that He can show me the better plan He has for my life…. though I doubt it will involve any more barrel racing. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6