When to Hold On & When to Let Go

The first year I was in “regular” 4-H (the kind where I was no longer in Mini and could take ‘real’ projects) I had high aspirations.  I was going to be a barrel racer!  During my years of Mini 4-H Horse & Pony (when I was only allowed to be in walk/trot classes) I had watched the older girls barrel race, and I thought it was SO awesome!! I couldn’t wait for the day that I would get to compete against them.  There were just a few problems with this plan… I was not exactly an incredible horseman, just sort of a solid ok.  And my horse was trained to work cattle- he knew how to focus in on one thing and react QUICKLY to the object of his focus. We didn’t have any kind of horse arena for me to practice in, and my dad was a very busy farmer who didn’t have a lot of extra time to devote to helping his 10-year-old first year 4-Her practice her barrel racing.  This wasn’t exactly a great combination of scenarios for the beginning of my barrel racing career.  The week before the fair we were having one of my rare practice sessions out on the hard fescue sod of the cattle pasture when I turned my horse around the last barrel and told him to “head home.”  As I mentioned earlier, he was pretty quick- far too quick for a girl who was only a solid ok on horseback and when he focused on something there was no distracting him from that.  This particular evening, he was very ready to run when I pointed his focus to the last barrel, and he quite frankly ran right out from underneath me.  I remember a slight bounce in the saddle made me lose my footing in the stirrups and I was quickly sliding off the side of my horse as he ran across the pasture at his top speed.  Though more than 20 years have passed, I distinctly remember them moment I had to make the choice to hold on or let go.  I had always been told to be tough and hang on no matter what, but I also realized that it could be dangerous to keep hanging on now that I no longer had any control and I was really more on the side of the horse instead of his back.  I knew letting go was going to HURT, but I had to make a quick decision- was it safer to let go or to hold on for dear life?

This decision is something I have thought a lot about lately.  When is it best to hang on for dear life, and when (though it will HURT) is it best to let go?  There are so many things I hold on to… my favorite skinny clothes from college, programs and tickets from special events and concerts, art projects from students who have long since moved on, dried flowers from the rare occasions my hubby did something romantic, notes and cards sent by special friends, the hope I one day will fit back in those favorite skinny clothes… and sometimes, no matter how much I want to hang on to them, these things really start to pile up and weigh me down.  When I was expecting (a) I had to have a massive purge of many of these items to make room for his nursery.  And I found something out… while many of these things brought back great memories or fond thoughts- I was able to part with much more than I thought was possible at the time I had stored it away in the spare closet.  There were a few items that I still could not let go of, but for the most part, though there was a twinge of pain, I let go to make the room for something so much better… sweet little baby things and new memories to be made.

Other things however, are worth holding on to for dear life.  Last week, while we were at Trunk or Treat, we snapped a family photo with (a) dressed up in his outfit between us.  I posted the photo to social media and smiled at how it captured his spunk, but a very dear friend pointed out something else the picture captured… the fact that (a) had both of us “in his clutches.”  I giggled at how true it was- he had quite a grip on my necklace in one hand and his daddy’s shirt collar in the other, but I also swallowed a lump in my throat as I realized how much that represented.  In the past couple months, the three of us have clung to each other for dear life- some days literally, and others figuratively- but either way, when things that we had placed security in were gone, we clung to one of the few things that was going to get us through- each other.  We have learned that jobs come and go, some friends will back away, financial security is not guaranteed, comfort zones can collapse, but the love and support of your family is worth hanging on to for dear life. 

Mom and Dad are "in the clutches" of this little cowboy.

Recently I have been praying a lot about knowing when to hold on and when, though it hurts, it is best to let go.  I have been reminded of the story from the book of Genesis about when Lot and his family fled Sodom and Gomorrah.  The angels who swept his family out of the city made it very clear that they were to flee quickly and NOT LOOK BACK, but Lot’s wife couldn’t help herself- she chose to look back at the city and God turned her in to a pillar of salt.  As a child in Sunday School I remember thinking, what a dingbat! God made his directions very clear, but she still chose to disobey- why would she do such a crazy thing!? But as an adult I also now realize she had friends in that city, memories in that city, she left worldly possessions, her home, maybe even extended family members in that city- it would have been INCREDIBLY hard to not look back at those things.  But despite all those things, God’s plan for her was better and she had to be willing to let go and follow that plan- something she was just not able to do.  I don’t want to find myself in the position of Lot’s wife… so attached to the things I’m “leaving behind” that I am unwilling to follow his plan for my life. 

So back to the barrel racing decision… the initial fall to the hard ground HURT, but I chose not to risk being dragged or stomped on and I let go.  However, I had a dad who loved me enough not to let that be the end of the story.  He reminded me that no matter what, you have to get back on the horse and remind him that you are in charge.  I did so for a few minutes that night, but I also did it the next week too at our 4-H Horse and Pony show…  when I entered the ring in the barrel racing competition.  I use the term “competition” loosely as I did NOT allow my horse to go any faster than a complete dead WALK haha, but I rebounded from the hurt of letting go and proved to myself that I could get back up again.  And I was rewarded with many cheers from the crowd who knew my story- it didn’t matter that we finished dead last.  I had let go but got back up again- and that made me feel victorious (and was also the prompt end to my barrel racing career). 

I pray that God will help me hang on for dear life to the things that are important- His promises, my faith in Him, the love and support of my family and faithful friends.  But that I will also know when to make the painful choice to LET GO so that He can show me the better plan He has for my life…. though I doubt it will involve any more barrel racing. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6