The Plan

If you know much about me, you know that I am a girl who REALLY likes a plan.  Now I am willing to adjust the plan if needed, or scrap the original plan and go to plan B, C, or D…. but I function MUCH better with a plan.  And I don’t like a “blind plan”… my sweet (A) is perfectly happy to just set the GPS and do whatever it tells him to do- even when it seems ridiculous or takes you through the not-so-safe parts of a downtown.  It drives me crazy!  Me on the other hand, I am happy to set the GPS, but I immediately switch to the “overview” setting to make sure it isn’t going to send me on some crazy wild goose chase or direct me through an area where common sense says I should avoid.  I like to see that overview to kind of already know in my mind what I’m going to do and where I’m going to go.  And if I don’t like what GPS says I’m more than happy to pull out the good ole fashion map and re-plan our route that way.  I feel so much more confident with a plan.

In the last week, a new Bible study and some “life events” have focused my attention on some precious scripture about God’s plans for our life.  For a girl who loves a plan, it is incredibly reassuring that the God of the universe cares enough about me to have a plan specifically for my life.  But it also causes me to stop and think- to me it really is a “blind plan”… am I willing to let HIM lead me in that plan, or do I treat it like my GPS and think that I know better?

As a mom, it also makes me think so much about how I’m a praying over my children for that plan.  There are so many things I want to plan for these little boys… I hope (a) will always keep those precious dimples that melt me, I hope he will always love to have precious conversations about “how was your day,” pick flowers for his momma, and beg to turn up his favorite songs.  Even as I feel him wiggle and kick inside of me, I hope (b) will have the big personality of his brother, the singing voice of his momma, and tenacity of his daddy.  I want them to be brave, successful, have precious families of their own, careers they love, contribute to their churches and communities, and leave legacies of faith.  I have so many hopes, and dreams, and plans for them.

Psalm 139:16 reminds us of how “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”  That verse has been a major heart check for me as a new mom and as an expecting mom.  To think that this tiny baby inside me hasn’t even taken his first breath of air yet, but God already has a plan for every one of his days. 

For the first year of (a)’s life, I nursed him.  And I made it a point to take that quiet time together to pray over him.  I prayed over the man he would grow to be, over the friends he would make, over the choices he would be faced with.  I prayed that above all else he would grow to love the Lord with all his heart.  I prayed over his future wife and that wherever she is- she is also being raised to love Jesus and others with all her being. I am ashamed to admit, that after that year of nursing was up, I haven’t always been as disciplined at setting aside the time to specifically pray over him like I did that first year.  But as I sat up with him at 2:30 am on Sunday morning, trying to get him back to sleep… I cried a little as I prayed over him.  I was reflecting on some of last week’s “life” and how it played out in the lives of others, I was reminded how desperately I want him to cling to God’s plan for his life.  I believe God has an AMAZING plan for him (as he does for each of us), but I know that God also gives us the gift of free will- and sometimes we use that free will the way I use my GPS… we decide we know better and we create detours in the plan.  While I am incredibly grateful that God is always able to redeem the plan, I know it would be SO much better to just follow His lead without thinking we know better.  Some of those detours we make can be dangerous and destructive. 

Even though I am heartbroken at the way some of last week’s reminder came to my life, I am thankful for the opportunity to refocus on how I pray for my children.  I want SO many wonderful things for them, but above all… I want them to follow the plan- God’s plan.  And in my own life I pray- God, grant me the wisdom to follow your plan without making my own adjustments.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future… You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11, 13

Hold On, Spring is Coming!

Last night we did something we haven’t done in MONTHS… we played/worked outside until 7:00 pm IN THE DAYLIGHT!!!!  All three of us love to be outside, and getting to enjoy the longer hours of daylight was such a breath of fresh air- both physically and mentally.  Winter is hard for me.  I really do struggle with the large amounts of darkness, being cooped up in the house, and feeling cold all the time.  I often find it messing with my mood and bringing on some wintertime “blues.” I find myself feeling like the dark and cold is never going to be over.   But last night, the extra daylight was such an encouragement, “hold on- spring is coming!” 

As (a) played and (A) and I worked in the yard I was very excited to find that I have spring flowers popping up ALL over the yard.  This being our first spring season in this home, I know I am going to be surprised to discover what and where things start blooming.  The former owners planted all kinds of foliage all over the property, and during the late summer and fall I enjoyed many flower surprises because I wasn’t yet familiar with what all had been planted.  This spring will be no different.  These buds were another precious reminder, “hold on- spring is coming!”

I shared with you last week that I often still find myself struggling to balance the heartache of missing so many things we left behind, and embracing all the new things in our life now.  As I have focused these last few months on JOY, last night’s flower buds were also a precious reminder to “hold on- spring is coming” in my heart too.  The hard, cold, dark winter is a season in our year… but it is only a season, it doesn’t last forever.  And when it is over, spring comes with all its beauty and fresh life.  It was a precious reminder to my heart that though there are going to be hard, dark, cold seasons in life- they are only that- a season, they don’t last forever.  What is coming is fresh, and new, and full of joy and hope and promise.  Hold on heart, spring is coming!!

As I collected sticks and the dried up remnants of ornamental grass, (A) began a small, low fire to burn off an area of dead leaves so fresh growth could come through that section of the yard.  I added my things to his fire and began to discover that underneath this large patch of dead leaves he was burning, there were several areas where more of my beloved flowers were poking through to the surface.  At first I started to protest, because I’m so excited about these plants (which I THINK are going to be daffodils) but as I watched I was amazed.  The fire came right up to the fresh, green plant.  It went around it, it went over top of it… but then it moved on.  It did NOT consume it.  All around the old dead leaves burned up and left ash, but the new fresh plant was only slightly singed, it was still going to be ok.  As I watched this happen, I couldn’t help but think about my life, and the lives of others I know.

Sometimes we find ourselves standing in the midst of fire.  We look around and see all the things we were surrounded by turned to nothing but ash… but WE do not have to be consumed.  If our hearts will hold on to the new, lush green that God can give us… we may be slightly singed, but we will still be standing, maybe even thriving, even when everything else around us is gone. 

If you are in a place where things around you seem dark, and cold, and hard- be encouraged to “hold on- in Jesus, spring is coming!”  And while you’re at it, enjoy that extra hour of evening daylight.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

Heart in Two Worlds

Since moving last summer, I often find myself facing this inner struggle of having my heart in two worlds.  I want very much to be “present”, both physically and emotionally, in our “new life.”  I want to put down roots here, I love making new friends, I want to pursue new ministry opportunities.  I enjoy having new adventures, and I’m so thankful for the chance to do all those things.   I KNOW without a doubt, that God has called us to this community and to this ministry.  But, so frequently, I still find my heart pulled back to the life we left.  I want to see news of what is happening at the church camp, I desperately miss my friends, I love hearing about what their kiddos are up to and my heart aches to watch them grow up on social media instead of in each other’s living rooms.  Social media has kept me up to date on former students’ school activities and I long to congratulate them in person instead of through my keyboard.  I miss my colleagues and I love receiving updates about what is happening around my former school.  The cowboy wants to “stay at da farm forever” but instead I have to remind him that our “Illinois house” is (in his words) “MUCH far away.”   

Sometimes this struggle leaves me feeling incredibly guilty.  I don’t want to give less of myself to our new life, I don’t want to constantly dwell in what we HAD instead of what we HAVE, I don’t want to wish away new opportunities.  But as we discussed the struggle a few nights ago, my wise husband reminded me- that was our life for thirty-? years… we can’t just erase it from our minds and hearts.  Of course it makes sense that big pieces of our hearts are still connected there, many things and people that we love are still there.  It is ok to have pieces of my heart in two places as long as I am willing to do so with a healthy balance.

As I have been praying about finding that balance for my heart, I was reminded of a hymn I grew up loving.  “This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through, my treasurers are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue…”  And as I thought about that song I realized, this struggle I am feeling really shouldn’t surprise me.  Afterall, it should feel familiar in a way.  While I am here on this Earth, God has important callings on my life, things He wants to be and accomplish for His glory- but really, my heart is made for heaven.  As long as my feet are in this world, I will strive to shine for Him as a wife, mom, teacher, writer, leader… whatever roles he calls me to.  But at the same time, I should not be surprised when my heart aches for the “tough stuff” going on around me.  My heart should hurt to see so many of the things that go on in this world, because my heart was not made for this world, my heart was made for heaven.  My heart was made to want more of Jesus. 

One of my favorite authors, Holley Gerth, in her book You’re Already Amazing says, “The discontent within you is a homing beacon, reminding you of Eden and redirecting you toward Heaven.” What a precious reminder that I don’t have to feel guilty about having my heart “in two worlds.”  I am called to be here now, doing the best I can, living all I can for the Glory of God- but my heart can still be tied to my “Home” in Heaven.  And I will hold on to that reminder when my heart longs to be “home” again in Indiana- that I am called to be HERE now, doing the best I can, living all I can for the Glory of God, but it is ok when I need to pick up that phone and touch base with some of the people my heart is tied to at “home.”

“But our citizenship is in Heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:20