Heart in Two Worlds

Since moving last summer, I often find myself facing this inner struggle of having my heart in two worlds.  I want very much to be “present”, both physically and emotionally, in our “new life.”  I want to put down roots here, I love making new friends, I want to pursue new ministry opportunities.  I enjoy having new adventures, and I’m so thankful for the chance to do all those things.   I KNOW without a doubt, that God has called us to this community and to this ministry.  But, so frequently, I still find my heart pulled back to the life we left.  I want to see news of what is happening at the church camp, I desperately miss my friends, I love hearing about what their kiddos are up to and my heart aches to watch them grow up on social media instead of in each other’s living rooms.  Social media has kept me up to date on former students’ school activities and I long to congratulate them in person instead of through my keyboard.  I miss my colleagues and I love receiving updates about what is happening around my former school.  The cowboy wants to “stay at da farm forever” but instead I have to remind him that our “Illinois house” is (in his words) “MUCH far away.”   

Sometimes this struggle leaves me feeling incredibly guilty.  I don’t want to give less of myself to our new life, I don’t want to constantly dwell in what we HAD instead of what we HAVE, I don’t want to wish away new opportunities.  But as we discussed the struggle a few nights ago, my wise husband reminded me- that was our life for thirty-? years… we can’t just erase it from our minds and hearts.  Of course it makes sense that big pieces of our hearts are still connected there, many things and people that we love are still there.  It is ok to have pieces of my heart in two places as long as I am willing to do so with a healthy balance.

As I have been praying about finding that balance for my heart, I was reminded of a hymn I grew up loving.  “This world is not my home, I’m just a-passin’ through, my treasurers are laid up, somewhere beyond the blue…”  And as I thought about that song I realized, this struggle I am feeling really shouldn’t surprise me.  Afterall, it should feel familiar in a way.  While I am here on this Earth, God has important callings on my life, things He wants to be and accomplish for His glory- but really, my heart is made for heaven.  As long as my feet are in this world, I will strive to shine for Him as a wife, mom, teacher, writer, leader… whatever roles he calls me to.  But at the same time, I should not be surprised when my heart aches for the “tough stuff” going on around me.  My heart should hurt to see so many of the things that go on in this world, because my heart was not made for this world, my heart was made for heaven.  My heart was made to want more of Jesus. 

One of my favorite authors, Holley Gerth, in her book You’re Already Amazing says, “The discontent within you is a homing beacon, reminding you of Eden and redirecting you toward Heaven.” What a precious reminder that I don’t have to feel guilty about having my heart “in two worlds.”  I am called to be here now, doing the best I can, living all I can for the Glory of God- but my heart can still be tied to my “Home” in Heaven.  And I will hold on to that reminder when my heart longs to be “home” again in Indiana- that I am called to be HERE now, doing the best I can, living all I can for the Glory of God, but it is ok when I need to pick up that phone and touch base with some of the people my heart is tied to at “home.”

“But our citizenship is in Heaven.  And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:20