ONE

I will never understand how time moves so quickly.  By this time next week, (b) will be ONE.  ONE whole year of fun, snuggles, bright blue eyes, and wrinkle-nose smiles.  ONE year of watching two brothers ADORE each other in every way, and learning how to navigate parenthood when there are two small people to be responsible for.  My word for the year in 2019 was “JOY,” and it was so appropriate in every way, especially considering how much of that was added by (b) joining our family that year.  While he was not our first adventure in parenting, we still learned so much by watching our joy multiply into another little boy.

At ONE month old, we took him to church camp with us.  He was still NOT a good sleeper at the time (oh how thankful I am that now he is a sleeping rock-star), I was nursing exclusively, and I was only 4 weeks post c-section.  But in that week, I watched God remind me how I can be a mom and still serve others as well.  Looking back, I have no idea how we even functioned through that week… the nights were short… like 4-5 hrs of sleep short.  The days were busy, I was having to find time to feed the baby, and keeping up with high school kids during a week of camp is also very physically demanding.  Oh, and I was sleeping on a church camp, wooden, bunk-bed.  But I enjoyed that week so very much.  God gave us strength and endurance that came from Him alone.  I didn’t miss a single student-oriented function all week, (b) was sweet and flexible enough to take all of his feedings or rare fussy moments during break times, recreation times, or canteen.  I was able to focus on being mom when he needed me, and focus on our students when they needed me.  It was a powerful lesson in how God could meet my needs when I relied on Him.

ONE major difference between our boys was my health after delivery.  I had a lot of health issues the first time around, and truthfully I don’t remember much for the first 7 weeks of (a)’s life.  This time was entirely different and I was able to soak up SO many precious snuggles, just watching him sleep, coo, or make faces at me.  It was a strong reminder of how fleeting the days are, and has made me slow down more often to just enjoy little moments with them.  Just last weekend, I began to take (b) to his crib for nap time but then had second thoughts and just settled down into the couch to hold him while he slept.  These precious moments won’t last forever.

ONE of my biggest worries was how the boys would feel about each other.  I knew (a) was excited to be a big brother, but I didn’t know if he really understood what that meant and I was worried what he would do when the “newness” wore off and this brother thing became his reality every day.  As we reach the ONE year mark, I’m so thankful to say I had nothing to worry about.  They absolutely adore each other.  They love to play together, the way they can make each other laugh can lighten even the gloomiest days, (a) loves to be his protector but also introduce him to new things.  He loves to introduce him to other people and is so proud to tell them all about how special (b) is.  And thankfully, in 358 days of brother life, I have only heard ONCE “I don’t want this baby!” (That involved the next statement of “He’s destroying my fences!” Ya just can’t get between big brother and his cowboy operation)

(b) is our Mr. ONEderful, he is full of wONEder every day as he grows and changes, it has been ONE incredible year as his parents, and I am ONE thankfully, blessed mama.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

Underestimating

Early in the week (A) brought some donuts home as a treat for (a).  At nearly one, (b) is discovering he has quite the ability to pester his big brother by taking his things, so when he was giggling and trying to swipe the donut from (a) I went ahead and gave him his own.  He only has 2 teeth, so I didn’t really expect him to do much more than gnaw on it, but it was going to keep him occupied while I made some eggs for the “real” part of breakfast.  I few minutes later I looked over to realize the donut was gone.  I assumed he dropped it, so I started checking the floor and the seat of the highchair but, nope, the donut was gone and he was grinning from one frosting covered ear to the other and waving his sticky hands.  Sure enough, Mr. Two-Teeth had devoured an entire regular size donut.  Some days I totally underestimate his appetite.

On Tuesday, (A) took a vacation day and we had a little state part adventure with several members of his family.  As a part of the adventure we did some kayaking on a lake in the park.  It was a gentle lake with no current and very reasonable in size, so it was a perfect place for (a) to have his first kayaking adventure.  He was in the front of his daddy’s two-person kayak and I was following them on my own.  I was enjoying the site of how cute they were together but because the way the sound traveled on the water I was really enjoying overhearing their conversation.  Before long they were teasing each other and swapping humorous jabs.  I was enjoying listening and I soon heard (a) retort to his daddy a one liner dripping with sarcasm in which he put up his hands and used “air quotes” correctly… he is four.  I called up to (A) to make sure I had heard the exchange correctly, and through his own laughter he assured me that yes, I had heard his comment and seen his gesture correctly.  Some days I completely underestimate his sense of humor and ability to communicate beyond his age.

Last week we were in Indiana for a few days and (a) made the big decision to graduate to riding his full-size pony.  Up to this point, he has spent most of his riding time on his little 40-year-old Shetland pony, Sugarfoot.  While he is adorable, sweet, and SOOO patient with our cowboy…he is OLD for a pony and SUPER slow.  It has been a wonderful learning experience, and I am so thankful for that sweet pony, but if (a) wants to become a more proficient rider he needed to make the transition to his younger more active pony.  She is also sweet and an excellent learning pony for him, but she is less experienced and as a result sometimes is spooked by noise or sudden movements.  He rode for several hours and different excursions during our 2 days at the farm and a few of those times Lilly (the pony) was spooked by something and did a little “dancing” as he called it as she jumped nervously.  I was right there with him each time, and each time I held by breath expecting he would get upset and decide he wanted to get off.  Instead, he surprised me by staying calm, holding on, being brave, and taking it in stride.  I was so proud, but I realized that some days I completely underestimate how much he is growing into a “big kid” who is capable of handling more things and doing it with his brave face on. 

As I watch the two of them grow and change every day, I realize that I completely underestimated the ability my heart had to love.  I underestimated the amount of joy they would bring me, the amount of patience they would teach me, and the amount of fun we would have has a family.

“Children are God’s love-gift; they are heaven’s generous reward.” Psalm 127:3

Personality

As we are nearing (b)’s first birthday I have been a little sentimental about my sweet snuggly baby moving toward that toddler phase.  There is something so wonderful about baby cuddles and watching their tiny little figure sleep or coo.  But as (A) and I discuss all the time, there is also something wonderful about watching him grow- and that is personality. 

Holding each of my boys as they were tiny infants I would often wonder and pray about who they were going to become and what they would be like.  I pray that they will love and serve Jesus before all else, that they will be men who lead their families, communities, and churches with a servant heart, but all the personality pieces who will make up those men are such a mystery when they are tiny.  It became apparent quite quickly that (a) was going to have a big personality.  He knows what he wants and he is a master negotiator, he can also be one of the sweetest, most compassionate kids I know.  He lives life at full volume, full speed, and full force, but because of that he isn’t very likely to pull a prank or surprise on you because he is too excited, too loud, or too dramatic to make that happen.  You never wonder where you stand with him, he will tell you (good or bad) and he will confidently stick a hand on a hip and use the other to talk with as he tells you.  He is curious (to the point of my total exhaustion), creative, and has a huge imagination. 

When we were expecting (b) I was so worried he would get overshadowed by his brother’s big personality.  Would people notice him? Would he be loved the same?  But as we are watching his personality develop, I’m quickly finding out I had nothing to fear- his personality is also big, but in a different way.  He is going to be our prankster- he is sneaky, subtle, and thinks himself to be SO funny.  He is fearless in ways we never saw (a) and in ways that nearly give me a heart attack multiple times a day.  He is a flirt and a giggle box, he loves to have all eyes on him, and he is not afraid to stand his ground- especially when it comes to dealing with his big brother- and I love watching these little pieces unfold daily.

As I am captivated by their personalities each day, I hope they will never give up these precious pieces of themselves.  Sure, some pieces need to be refined and guided- you can’t always be the center of attention or tell people exactly what you think in every situation- but these pieces of personality are a reflection of God’s own image.  They are pieces of the puzzle that He placed in these boys to equip them to live their lives doing His work.

There was a time in my life where someone told me that my personality was wrong, that no one wanted to work with me or be around me the way I was, and that who I was just wasn’t right.  I was in an extremely vulnerable place at the time, and the words of one person managed to steal pieces of my personality for several years.  I ran from leadership opportunities (even when my heart was drawn to them), I tried to give up things that I was naturally drawn to, and I set aside dreams that had been in my heart for years- because I believed those pieces of my personality were wrong and I feared that they might cause me another deep hurt if I “let them out” to be seen again.  Thankfully, over a matter of years, God gently reminded me that those were pieces of personality that HE put inside me.  Those pieces had been visible from the time I was a little girl the size of (a), and while they constantly needed to be refined and guided, I could not just remove or discard pieces of my personality, because without those pieces He placed inside of me, I couldn’t fully step into the work He had for me and the purpose He was calling me to.  And when I finally quit denying the pieces of my personality that made me ME, it was incredibly freeing, I found purpose and passion, and God began to open doors for me in places I had never seen them before.

As I watch these little faces grow into men, as I help them refine and guide their personalities, I pray I will always be able to point the pieces toward Jesus.  That I will never try to take away the pieces of who He is creating them to be, and that I will have the patience to survive their precious, growing, personalities.

“Now may the God of peace,…equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Hebrews 13: 20-21

When I Don't Know What to Say

It’s no secret that I’m a talkative girl, but I will admit there are still many times when I have no idea what to say.  One morning this week (a) informed me he was checking all his plastic horses to see if they were a boy or a girl and told me WHAT he was looking for to make his decision.  I had no words to respond to him in that moment.  My thoughts were mixed between thinking he was pretty smart, to weren’t plastic horses just unisex? (turns out they are not!), to how do I not laugh in this moment, to thinking it must be a normal thing for a kid who spends a lot of time on the farm.  But since my thoughts were all over the place, the only words that came out of my mouth in response to him were, “Oh, ok!”

This past Christmas morning, and again on Mother’s Day there were moments when I had no idea what to say as I opened my gifts.  Each time my dear, sweet husband wanted to make sure I had something to open… but his effort was sorely lacking as he just picked some random things on Amazon and had them shipped to our house.  I didn’t know what to say because my thoughts were mixed between wanting to seem grateful, not wanting to hurt his feelings, wondering what on earth he had been thinking, and my feelings being a little hurt that I had put in some real effort to his gift compared to what I was receiving.  So since my thoughts were all over the place, all I could respond was, “Oh… wow!”

There have been other moments as a parent and teacher when I knew I needed to discipline but had no idea what to say because the child’s “offense” was creative, or funny, or super intelligent.  There have been times in conversations where strangers have shared information that I was not prepared to hear and I found myself totally unsure of how to respond.

And when it comes to grief and hurt, I often have no idea what to say.  Many times I don’t know what it is like to walk in their shoes, I don’t want to say something that makes them hurt worse, so I simply listen, hug, and show up with food.

As I watch current events unfolding in our country, I feel like once again I am at a place where I have no idea what to say.  My heart breaks for all the hurt and unrest, for wrongs done and lives destroyed (and I don’t just mean by one specific current event…).  I am also hurt to see so much finger pointing and shaming, one-sided thinking, and blaming.  My thoughts are all over the place, and I truly have no idea what to say.  I can’t begin to know what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes, and I don’t want to say something that makes the fear or the hurt worse.  I don’t want to marginalize an issue that is of huge importance, and I don’t want to hyperfocus on a part of an issue that isn’t such a big deal.  And so most of the time, I simply keep my mouth closed.  Not because I don’t care, but because I care enough to not say the wrong thing.  And since I don’t know what to say, I would much rather listen, hug, show up with food, and be a friend.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26