Where You are Planted

For the last two years, spring at our house has been like one giant scavenger hunt! The previous owners of our property must have really loved things that bloom, because everywhere you turn something is popping out of the ground or a tree is flowering into a beautiful sight.  The interesting thing is, some of the places these things are planted makes no sense to me.  We have an abundance of beautiful daffodils, but they pop through the ground in the strangest places.  There are some trees that I really wondered why on earth they are planted, especially when they seemed crowded together, but when spring came and I saw them bloom I had a little better understanding.  Because I did not plant these things, it is often hard for me to understand their location, but some things (like the location of the trees), as they bloom, I am starting to see the purpose in where they are.

We recently celebrated our wedding anniversary in quarantine.  Now I have seen lots of fun pictures on social media of people celebrating their quarantine anniversary with cute candlelit dinners and their children serving their meal them- and that is great- but that is not the stage of life we currently live in.  As we ate the dinner I prepared, our 4-year-old was refusing to join us at the table because he was mad at us (in truth he was just super exhausted from playing hard all afternoon) and our 9-month-old was expressing his dissatisfaction at the speed in which he was being fed.  We could either laugh or cry, so we chose to laugh about how “needy” this current stage is.

Our dinner adventure also led to some conversations between (A) and I about how life changes.  There was a season where an anniversary celebration would have been a big deal, a romantic dinner, gifts, and reminiscing.  That was in the early years.  While I promise you our marriage means no less to us now, this stage is so very different.  (Had we not been in quarantine, we would have attempted a dinner date, but still much different from the romantic celebrations of the early years.)  It would be easy to get upset about how things have changed over the years, and the way things are a little more hectic and complicated in this phase of life, but if we were busy being upset we would miss out on all the great things about this stage.  If you are looking back at what you once had, or forward at what is coming, it is easy to miss the best parts about the here and now.  Sometimes, you have to bloom where you are planted, right now.

We have gone from dolled up and wedding fancy, to super hero suits chosen for us by our son.  The stages change, but there is beauty in the here and now of each one.

My “word” for the year 2020 is PURPOSE.  And I believe God gave it to me because I was questioning some of the current places I am planted.  Our ministry move two years ago brought us to a state where taxes are high, state government makes decisions I really struggle to understand, and we have had more than one extremely challenging situation that we have never experienced before because of the differences in our new state.  I teach in a very tiny, rural school where I have two grade levels in one room- while that was common 100 years ago, you can imagine the challenges that brings in a time where state educational standards for one grade are tough enough to accomplish in a school year, let alone accomplish all those for two grades at one time.  And even though we have now been here two years, I am still often struggling to find “my place” socially and within our church.  I was asking God a lot of “WHY?”  His response to me was PURPOSE, I have a plan and a purpose for you right where you are now.  Over the last few months, I have focused on praying about that purpose and seeing that purpose.  I have found some opportunities, that I didn’t quite expect, to use the gifts and talents God put inside of me right in my current situations. 

Sometimes the place we find ourselves doesn’t exactly seem ideal, or at least not the way we envisioned it would look, but that shouldn’t stop us from finding a way to blossom and be beautiful in the place right where we are.  Other things we may not understand, because we didn’t choose the “location” in which we were planted.  But if we allow ourselves to bloom, right where He planted us, the sight can be extremely beautiful. 

Then Job replied to the Lord: “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, ‘Who is that that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.” Job 42:1-3

Extra Grace Required

We all know someone like this… in the classroom “they” are always the ones who turn in a wrinkled up paper smudged with chocolate, even though you just handed that paper to them 10 minutes ago, it was never supposed to even go in the desk, and you DIDN’T hand out chocolate.  “They” can’t find their reading book because it is on top of their desk instead of inside (which usually looks more like the pit of no return).  Even at 8 years old, it seems they are always the ones driving the Hot Mess Express… running late, disorganized, forgetful.  “They” are kiddos I lovingly refer to as Extra Grace Required.  And I do say that with love, because inevitably, Extra Grace Required students often end up being nearest to my heart (I know… teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but there are always some that just have a way of stealing a little extra piece of your heart). 

Here is the hard part for me, I’m usually more than willing to give that Extra Grace Required to others, but I am not good about giving it to myself.  After weeks of staying home, it has become quite an emotional struggle some days.  I feel guilty that I am home all the time- the house should be spotless, but instead there are almost always still dishes in the sink (those two little boys manage to put away a LOT of food).  The laundry should be caught up every day, but I am still losing that battle.  My mom-game should be at it’s prime, but instead I’m begging them for three minutes of alone time to take a shower without someone touching me. 

One day late last week it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time since all of this began, I just simply couldn’t function that day.  Most of the time I consider myself a fairly strong person emotionally- it usually takes a LOT to stop me.  Forward motion is actually my default antidote to dealing with emotions… but on that very rare day, I just COULDN’T.  We had received tough, frustrating news two days in a row, the weather had kept us cooped up in the house for several days, I’m REALLY missing friends and family, and the heartbreaking news came that afternoon that we would not be returning to our physical classrooms this school year.  As I sat on the couch listening to the Governor’s Press Conference make the school announcement, I just let the tears flow.  We knew this was going to be likely, but the reality of it was such a blow to my already fragile emotions.  While I am loving the time with my own boys, this is NOT at all how I wanted my school year to end with my precious “big kids” (as (a) refers to them).

Thankfully (A) was already home for the day and he was so sweet to get everyone moving quickly when I finally made the announcement we were going for a drive.  I HAD to get up off that couch and go do SOMETHING.  We weren’t going to break any rules, but we were going to go drive by pretty trees in the park, go down past the lake and look for wild birds, anything to get me out of the house, out of my “stuck” emotional spot, and then I mentioned it…. I really wanted to swing through for some drive-through ice cream.  Now, I have tried REALLLLY hard not to eat my emotions in all of this uncertainty, but I was having a weak moment, and then cue the guilt that I was having a weak moment.  I am very grateful I married a wise man who quickly looked over at me and assured me it was ok to give myself a little grace, and have an occasional treat. 

It was a simple reminder, but something I have really taken to heart the last week.  The thought, that it is ok to look at myself as Extra Grace Required.  It is ok from time to time to have a good cry, to have a treat, it is ok to miss my people, it is ok to feel overwhelmed, it is ok to not have it all together like I expect I should. 

This kiddo is better about extending grace to his Mama, than I am about giving it to myself

Am I giving up on trying to have my act together, NO.  But, am I going to stop adding extra self-imposed hurt to all the other emotions I’m feeling… YES.  I don’t have to understand it all, I don’t have to expect perfection from myself… it is ok to look and see that I too, am Extra Grace Required.  Afterall, someone FAR more important that me already saw my need for grace, and through His great love, extended that grace my way.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Checking-In on Each Other

I come from a relatively small family in terms of aunts/uncles/cousins, so the 5 of us on my dad’s side have a little group text chat that we use from time to time.  Yesterday morning across that group came a text simply asking “How’s everyone making it?”  We shared back and forth what our individual families and job situations were experiencing.  We tried to use a little humor to lighten the stresses that some of us are facing, and we shared our individual “silver linings” that we have seen.  But more than anything that conversation brightened my day, because some one had checked in on me.  It isn’t the first “check-in” like that I have experienced over the last few weeks.  I have heard from several dear friends or family members just asking how we are holding up and sharing what their families are experiencing.  Those check-in conversations are usually the highlight of my day.

(a) currently spends a big part of his day checking-in on what (b) is up to

If anyone tells you they are doing “GREAT!” right now, ask again, they are probably lying.  While I know some individuals and families have been hit much harder than others, I think everyone in America has felt some kind of effect from our current situation.  Some are out of work with unbelievable financial fears, others are working more than ever and are completely exhausted, some are missing their family and friends so badly that it is affecting their mental/emotional health.  There are families trying to juggle “homeschool/e-learning” while still working an 8 hour day and others juggling it while they try to be productive working from home.  Some may be truly enjoying the extra time with their families, and know that they are blessed, but desperately need a few minutes of adult conversation or a quiet place to have a good cry without someone constantly touching you, screaming your name, or begging for their 47^th helping of lunch. 

This has brought change for all of us, uncertainty looms in the air and on the news, routines are different, how we socialize is different, but some things don’t have to change… we don’t have to change caring about each other.  Just because we are practicing social distancing doesn’t mean we have to practice emotional distancing… check-in on each other.  A phone call, a text, a card, a video chat, a Zoom get-together… check-in on each other.  You might need some humor or you might need to cry… check-in on each other.  You might want to try a new recipe, share a meme, or ask for e-learning math help… check-in on each other. 

While most of us can’t be together physically, we can be together emotionally.  Social distancing does not have to mean emotional distancing.  You still have the power to give hope, to lighten the burden, to pray for one another, and to show you care… check-in on each other.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur on another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:23-25  ***I think in light of the times, the author of Hebrews would give concession for “meeting together” to include virtual get-togethers, phone calls, group texts, and good ole’ snail mail 😉

Things Aren't Always What They Seem

I had a great idea today of doing a little Easter photo shoot with my kiddos… the lighting was perfect, the flowers in the yard made a great backdrop, I had Easter props, and we even had reasonably coordinated outfits considering I can’t get out and shop, it seemed like everything was in great shape- except for my photo subjects.  They were not real interested in cooperation.  One was tired and grumpy, the other did not want to be out of my arms.  The day was warming up quickly, and (a) was complaining that he was just hot.  I begged, I bribed, I pleaded… and then I also began to get the terrible smell of a pile of fresh dog… well you get the picture.  So, after 46 shots I managed to get a FEW cute pictures of them individually- there are no “good” ones of the two of them together and most of them look disastrously like two sad, grumpy boys.  And I mean so disastrous that my husband couldn’t stop laughing when I showed them to him (have I mentioned that he is still working and not home 24/7 with our tiny humans… our sense of humor does not always seem to align). 

Now, when I post their Easter pictures on social media this weekend, the messy ones won’t be the ones you see.  Not that I’m trying to be an InstaPinFace perfect mom, I just can’t shake the mentality I was raised with that you put your best foot forward… and I’m all about my personal social media being positive and upbeat.  Because of that, there will be followers who will make sweet comments about how cute the boys are, or what a lovely family we have, or other pleasantries such as this- and I do sincerely appreciate the sweetness, and I do cherish my family.  But when you see the few successful pictures, giggle to yourself if you have read this, and please remember that things aren’t always what they seem.  To get those few pictures there were tears, bribes, some editing (thank you iPhone for the “live” photo option!), and a pile of dog poop involved- things aren’t always what they seem.   

In preparation for this Holy Week, my Sunday School class of ladies has been reading through a book by one of my favorite Christian authors for the last 8 weeks.  The book has taken a look at the women in the Easter account and the relationship they had built with their Lord, Jesus, leading up to his crucifixion and resurrection.  One of the many things that stuck out to me in this study was just how differently many of the followers thought this story was going to unfold.  Right up to Jesus arrest, still so many of them thought he had come to be a military leader- to overthrow the Roman government.  On that dark Friday they were feeling so much brokenness and defeat.  Not only were they mourning the loss of their friend, they were fearful and confused… this was not at all how they thought things were supposed to happen.  Jesus was dead, the disciples had scattered into hiding, the religious establishment seemed to have won, and a feeling of hopelessness had set in… but thank you, Jesus, that things aren’t always what they seem. 

This Resurrection Sunday we will celebrate as never before… without the gatherings of friends and family, without many of the usual shared festivities, without the packed church buildings, and without all the usual pre-planned frocks.  I know there are lots of people disappointed by this, and I will admit there are two adults living in my house who have had some of those feelings.  But just maybe, things aren’t always what they seem.  Because our services are streamed online, I believe we will be celebrating with even more people than just those who would be in our typical building.  Because we miss them, we are more likely to cherish our virtual visits with family and friends that day.  Without all the gatherings and events to distract us, we may just focus more than ever on the true joy of the empty tomb.  Maybe, just maybe, instead of this being the hardest and least anticipated Easter ever- this will be the most celebrated Resurrection Sunday we have ever experienced.  Thank you, Jesus, that things aren’t always what they seem!

“Dear woman, why are you crying?” they asked. Mary answered, “They have taken away my Lord, I and I don’t know where they’ve laid him.” Then she turned around to leave, and there was Jesus standing in front of her, but she didn’t realize that it was him! He said to her, “Dear woman, wy are you crying? Who are you looking for?” Mary answered, thinking he was only the gardener, “Sir, if you have taken his body somewhere else, tell me, and I will go and…” “Mary,” Jesus interrupted her.  Turning to face him, she said, “Rabboni!” (Aramaic for “my teacher”) John 20:13-16 (TPT)

Normal

Normal… it’s such a relative term.  My “normal” day might not look like yours, my “normal” diet could be different.  My “normal” wardrobe looks different from my sister’s, and my “normal” sleep pattern is different from my husband’s.  In light of the all the unknowns happening in our world right now, it seems like “normal” is a word that is being thrown around a lot- in particular the phrase “when things get back to normal.” 

Our 4-year-old cowboy is well aware that things are kind of strange right now.  He really misses his family, friends, and going to his favorite places, BUT it hasn’t phased his attitude or outlook.  In fact, he thinks many things are still perfectly normal.  He loves being home with (b) and me all day ((A) is still working from his office most of the time), he is still dressing like a cowboy each day, playing outside every chance he gets, eating like there is no tomorrow, making art projects, and using that vivid imagination.  While the schedule for these things is completely out of our regular routine, he thinks it is very “normal”… and for me that is so refreshing.  While the world around me spins full of uncertainties and concerns, being a kid and being a part of our family just seems “normal” to him. 

Just his normal outfit...

Doing his "normal" thing...

Enjoying his "normal" smiley face...

It has made me start to wonder if parts of this craziness should become our new “normal.”  Things such as the more frequent dinners with all of us home, the number of cards I have sent to people “just because,” the creativity of cleaning out the pantry before I absolutely have to make a grocery run, being very careful not to waste things, praying fervently for the healthy and safety of the people I love, consciously thinking first of how I could support small local businesses before a chain retailer, calling people instead of simply sending a text, turning off the TV so we can read and craft and play, and I should probably even make it my “normal” to wipe down that grocery cart handle with the sanitizing wipes at the door. 

I realize work schedules and other important, worthwhile obligations make these things hard- but it does make me consider the intention with which I live.  This year the word I have been focusing on is PURPOSE. And while we have been home for so many days in a row, I have really been thinking more about the purpose for many of my “normal” actions.  Is there a purpose for turning the TV on this morning? If not, leave it off (or my personal favorite… turn it to one of the channels that just plays music, no picture, that lends itself to lots of fun dance parties as we eat and play and work around the house!)  Is there a purpose for the action I’m taking? If not, maybe I could put my time to better use.  Note, there is major purpose in simply sitting and snuggling those sweet boys or watching them play, there is NOT always purpose in picking up my phone. 

Trust me when I say that we do NOT have all this quarantine thing figured out… my house is messier than when I am working, the kiddos are doing a lot of crying some days, I still have a huge list of projects to tackle, I’m still having emotional come-aparts almost daily, but I will admit this… when life goes back to “normal” there are going to be parts of this thing that I am really going to miss.  And there are things I am doing that I hope will become my “normal.”

“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” Psalm 90:2