Extra Grace Required

We all know someone like this… in the classroom “they” are always the ones who turn in a wrinkled up paper smudged with chocolate, even though you just handed that paper to them 10 minutes ago, it was never supposed to even go in the desk, and you DIDN’T hand out chocolate.  “They” can’t find their reading book because it is on top of their desk instead of inside (which usually looks more like the pit of no return).  Even at 8 years old, it seems they are always the ones driving the Hot Mess Express… running late, disorganized, forgetful.  “They” are kiddos I lovingly refer to as Extra Grace Required.  And I do say that with love, because inevitably, Extra Grace Required students often end up being nearest to my heart (I know… teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but there are always some that just have a way of stealing a little extra piece of your heart). 

Here is the hard part for me, I’m usually more than willing to give that Extra Grace Required to others, but I am not good about giving it to myself.  After weeks of staying home, it has become quite an emotional struggle some days.  I feel guilty that I am home all the time- the house should be spotless, but instead there are almost always still dishes in the sink (those two little boys manage to put away a LOT of food).  The laundry should be caught up every day, but I am still losing that battle.  My mom-game should be at it’s prime, but instead I’m begging them for three minutes of alone time to take a shower without someone touching me. 

One day late last week it hit me like a ton of bricks.  For the first time since all of this began, I just simply couldn’t function that day.  Most of the time I consider myself a fairly strong person emotionally- it usually takes a LOT to stop me.  Forward motion is actually my default antidote to dealing with emotions… but on that very rare day, I just COULDN’T.  We had received tough, frustrating news two days in a row, the weather had kept us cooped up in the house for several days, I’m REALLY missing friends and family, and the heartbreaking news came that afternoon that we would not be returning to our physical classrooms this school year.  As I sat on the couch listening to the Governor’s Press Conference make the school announcement, I just let the tears flow.  We knew this was going to be likely, but the reality of it was such a blow to my already fragile emotions.  While I am loving the time with my own boys, this is NOT at all how I wanted my school year to end with my precious “big kids” (as (a) refers to them).

Thankfully (A) was already home for the day and he was so sweet to get everyone moving quickly when I finally made the announcement we were going for a drive.  I HAD to get up off that couch and go do SOMETHING.  We weren’t going to break any rules, but we were going to go drive by pretty trees in the park, go down past the lake and look for wild birds, anything to get me out of the house, out of my “stuck” emotional spot, and then I mentioned it…. I really wanted to swing through for some drive-through ice cream.  Now, I have tried REALLLLY hard not to eat my emotions in all of this uncertainty, but I was having a weak moment, and then cue the guilt that I was having a weak moment.  I am very grateful I married a wise man who quickly looked over at me and assured me it was ok to give myself a little grace, and have an occasional treat. 

It was a simple reminder, but something I have really taken to heart the last week.  The thought, that it is ok to look at myself as Extra Grace Required.  It is ok from time to time to have a good cry, to have a treat, it is ok to miss my people, it is ok to feel overwhelmed, it is ok to not have it all together like I expect I should. 

This kiddo is better about extending grace to his Mama, than I am about giving it to myself

Am I giving up on trying to have my act together, NO.  But, am I going to stop adding extra self-imposed hurt to all the other emotions I’m feeling… YES.  I don’t have to understand it all, I don’t have to expect perfection from myself… it is ok to look and see that I too, am Extra Grace Required.  Afterall, someone FAR more important that me already saw my need for grace, and through His great love, extended that grace my way.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9