It's OK Momma, You Got This!

On Friday morning we made our second ER visit of (a)’s 2 ½ year old life.  My “supplemental insurance” agent suggested I should pick-up the “Accident Policy” when I was pregnant with a little boy… he wasn’t kidding, I’m glad I took his advice. 

We had gone home to Indiana for a couple of days and my parents’ farm was our first stop on our east-to-west visit.  (a) LOVES to visit the farm and the first thing he always asks to do is ride Doc, my sister’s team roping horse.  I love that horse, he has the patience of Job!  He is calm no matter how many times the dog runs between his legs, how much noise or chaos is going on around him, or how many times (a) tries to stick a finger in his nostril.  Friday morning was no exception to the normal… (a) started begging my sister first thing, “I wanna ride Doc!”  He has been riding ever since he was 10 months old.  For a long time it was always with someone, then as he mastered balance we let him ride alone with someone holding on to him from both sides, then he graduated to someone on one side, and lately he has done so well that he can be independent as long as someone is just a step or two away (and frankly has become so fiercely independent that he throws a fit if you try to touch him as you walk along beside).  That morning the horse was as calm as usual, my sister was leading him through the grass of the yard, I was carefully watching just a couple steps away, (a) was doing great- but then he got distracted looking over at something in the pasture and lost his focus.  When he lost his focus, he lost his balance and though I was just a couple steps away, I was on the opposite side of the horse and was unable to grab him before he slid off and fell to the ground.  Focus and balance… we will come back to those later. 

My sister scooped him up and reassured him that he was alright.  Our family knows that we are “rub some dirt on it” kind of parents.  We don’t tend to coddle bumps and bruises, and (a) himself has adopted that phrase “I tough like Dee-del” (Diesel is the neighbor’s dog and a totally separate story on toughness ha!)  But this time was unusual because the crying was intense and as I checked him out, it was clear from the swelling in his arm and the shaking in his fingers that we needed an x-ray.  My Momma intuition told me it was broken. 

On the drive to the hospital I admitted to my mom that my greatest fear was not his arm being broken, because honestly, I was already sure it was.  My greatest fear was the “Mommy judgement” that I allow my 2 ½ year old to ride a horse.  I was sure I was going to get a tongue lashing from the medical staff and intense judgement from our friends.  The worst part of that “Mommy judgement fear” is that "Mommy judgement" is all based on someone else's opinion.  I don’t feel guilty for letting him ride, and once he is healed, I’m going to let him ride a horse again.  He LOVES being a “cowboy” and I am not going to take that away from him.  It was simply an accident.  It could have easily happened on the playground or running around the yard.

When the dr walked in the room I was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief.  I have known her most of my life, her oldest son and I were good friends in high school as classmates, FFA officers, and livestock judging teammates.  Her husband has farmed in the community his whole career, and she greeted me with a smile and “Well, Hi Kristi!!” as soon as she stepped in the room.  Next in walked a nurse who I also knew.  Her kids had also shown horses in 4-H and her family is still involved with horses in many ways.  I could feel all the “Mommy judgement fear” releasing from me and a gentle whisper in my head said “It’s OK Momma, you got this!” 

X-rays confirmed what I already knew, it was broken.  But thankfully it was a clean break that should heal really well.  As we got ready to go, I thanked the dr again and we commented how good it was to see each other, despite the circumstances.  I also admitted how grateful I was to know that there would be no scolding of my parenting choices, and she laughed as she told me absolutely not, accidents happen, that’s part of life- especially with little boys.  Again that whisper, “It’s OK Momma, you got this!”

Just a couple hours out of the ER and he was back to insisting he help get cows in
(and insisting he wear the glove over the end of his splint too, haha!)

Yesterday I took (a) to work with me in my new classroom.  Around nap time he became pretty tough to deal with because he simply didn’t want to give in to sleep.  At one point he ran away from me down the hall yelling “I NOT WANT YOU!! I WANT MY DADDY!!”  I was nearly in tears and all I could think was “What is my new principal going to think of me!?” as my toddler is screaming and running down the hall.  (I never found out) but later as I loaded (a) into the car he commented that it was hot.  I told him I was turning the air on before I buckled him into his seat.  He so sweetly replied, “You turning the air on for ME??!! Thank you, Momma, thank you!!”  And his sweet words melted my earlier frustration… again that whisper, “It’s OK Momma, you got this!”

Focus and balance… I don’t know about other moms, but SO often I find myself getting so caught up worrying about what others will think of my parenting style or that I will be judged by my toddler’s behavior that I lose focus on what I’m supposed to be doing as his mom.  When I lose focus, my emotions get all out of balance and I am impatient with him, flustered with myself, and it goes downhill from there.

He often has sticky hands, frequently his clothes are dirty, he peed his pants in Target yesterday and we ended up walking out in his t-shirt and a diaper (no pants), he yells loudly, he asks a lot of questions, he gets grumpy at nap time, he is a bear when he is hungry, he is stubborn and strong willed… but he could make friends with a fence post, he is compassionate toward others, he is usually polite, he loves to sing “Jesus Loves Me”, asks to pray at dinner, holds hands with the elderly, and picks a flower for his Momma every chance he gets.

I’m pretty sure I’m not the only girl out there who fears that constant “Mommy judgement.”  But I’m choosing to FOCUS on what’s important and let that provide balance. When I focus on balance I can take a deep breath… “It’s Ok Momma, you got this!!”

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6