Pulling and Peace

This week it started to get real.  We are just over a month from the beginning of the school year in my district, and preliminary plans for our reopening were released to teachers.  After receiving the first email on Monday, I simply sat and cried.  I can’t wrap my head around how we are going to adjust to all the new practices, figure out the logistics of spatial issues, meet very real social/emotional needs of our students, AND accomplish anything academic (especially teaching 2 grades in one room where small group instruction around my table has been the key to differentiating for everyone’s academic needs/standards).  My heart aches to know I won’t be able to show my smiling face to them at the front of the room when I am proud of them, or they make me laugh, or we have a major educational breakthrough.  To make it more complicated, we were reminded that this is all preliminary and will most likely change a few times before school begins as state regulations are updated nearly every day.  I realize that no matter what safety practices we have in place there were will people who are unhappy with us.  For some it will be too much, for others it will be too little.  I took a quick visit to my classroom yesterday to do some measuring/visualizing as I try to map out a new room set-up for the year.  After doing so, my heart was simply broken for the rest of the day.  I feel completely inadequate to provide my students what they deserve from me this year.

Those feelings of inadequacy followed me through the rest of the day.  I felt like a bad mom because (b) climbed on and then jumped off the couch and bloodied his nose while I was paying attention to something (a) was doing.  I felt like a bad wife because dinner was a hodgepodge of leftovers for the second night in a row.  I felt like a failure at keeping our house in order as I didn’t start a load of laundry until 7:00 in the evening, and I looked outside to see just how badly the weeds had gotten a hold of my flowerbeds over the last two weeks while I was preoccupied with birthday parties, a baby shower, and getting our barn & fence ready for a new pony that is arriving soon. 

After dinner, our sweet boys had more physical energy than I had mental energy, and a cool front had blown through making the heat much more bearable- so I told (A) he was on duty for a while and I headed out to tackle the weeds.  I though the pulling would be cathartic (and I knew that while they were at a manageable point right now, they were just a couple days from completely out of control!) 

As I began pulling, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that it was July, and July has always been one of my favorite months.  For most of my life, July was the National Jr. Angus Show, for 10 years it was the 4-H fair, for all of my married life July was our main church camp month, and for many years it was Mary Kay seminar.  This year I will still get to watch some of those things virtually, but other events just aren’t happening at all.  As another piece of my heart broke thinking about it, I began praying for peace.  Peace as I begin processing what this school year means.  Peace as I cope with missing things I have always loved.  Peace to know that I am the mom for the job with these boys- even on days when they get minor injuries or have more energy than I do.  Peace to know that I can navigate the transition back to my classroom while I also help my boys navigate back to daycare/preschool with a lot of new regulations.  And as I prayed for peace, I was taken back to two conversations in particular.  One with my mom where she reminded me that I will tackle this school year just like any other.  Sure the challenges are HUGE, but this is education- the challenges are huge every year, and my colleagues and I will rise to them, because we are educators, that is what we do!  The other conversation I was reminded of was a similar one I had a few years ago with a principal who I hugely respected.  He remined me even in hard times, that we are educators, and we will find a way to do what is best for our students, that’s who we are and what we do. 

While I don’t know what it’s all going to look like when school opens, or how I am going to balance those challenges with the adjustments it will mean for my family, I do know this- the giver of all peace goes before us.  And He will provide all that I need.

And by the time I had talked it all out with Him- my flower beds looked MUCH better, I walked in the house to find the boys already asleep for the night, AND I discovered those personalized sports Fatheads aren’t too expensive… so guess who’s smiling face is STILL going to be at the front of my classroom 😉

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7