What Hasn't Been Taken

This year has been unlike any other in my life.  I think “cancelled” is one of the words I have heard more in 2020 than I ever care to hear the rest of my life.  On my sparse calendar there were still two events in September that I was really looking forward to.  One was the bicentennial celebration at my home church and the other was a women’s retreat where I was going to be teaching.  However, on Monday this week my mom texted to let me know the church had cancelled the bicentennial celebration.  Then on Tuesday, the women’s retreat coordinator called me to pull the plug on that event as well.  I was pretty heartbroken. 

 

I am ashamed to admit that my first thought was pretty crude as I just wanted to scream, “2020 sucks.”  All I could think about was how many things we have missed out on this year.  We were supposed to be at church camp this week- one of our favorite parts of summer.  I’m preparing for a school year with no convocations, no PE, no recess, no field trips, no group science projects, no language arts board games, and no visible smiles.  And that is just this week’s list of disappointments and worries.  Everyone I know could go on and on about the weddings moved, graduations cancelled, proms that didn’t happen, new babies with no grandparent visits at the hospital, and so many other things.  As I found myself wanting to throw a huge pity party I had to stop.  I felt myself going down the rabbit hole of sadness and anger, and before I could get the words out about how angry I was at all 2020 had taken away, a gentle whisper reminded me of what 2020 had GIVEN me.

 

I was given more time home with the boys than I would have had in any normal year.  In that time, I watched them grow and develop a little more each day.  I have been given more snuggles and giggles than usual.  We were given more family dinners than we have ever had as (A)’s evening meetings and engagements were scaled way back.  We were given more trips to the farm than the last 2 summers allowed.  My grandparents move to the farm in 2020 has given me more time with them this year than the last several years combined.  I was given more time to work on projects both inside and outside the house.  I have had the opportunity to read more books for pleasure than usual.  Even some of the crazy events had a silver lining- such as not needing to worry about sub plans for school when I had my emergency extraction of all 4 wisdom teeth (and the money we were saving by not going to daycare was available to pay for the procedure).  And our extra time out of the building allowed my school a BEAUTIFUL face lift with a renovation grant we received pre-pandemic. 

 

When I focus on what was taken from us this year the heartbreak is overwhelming, but when I focus on what we were given my heart is much more thankful.  2020 may have taken all the events off of my calendar, but it is not going to take my joy.

 

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

When the Time is Right

Yesterday, my sister, (a), and I went on a special adventure.  We climbed in her truck and headed to central Kentucky to pick up (a)’s new pony, Snoopy.  Now if you know us personally you might be counting and realize that he now has 3 ponies, but this one is extra special- he isn’t another pony for the farm in Indiana.  Snoopy is coming to live at our house in Illinois.  Back in March when the world shut down, we had more time at home for projects, and we made a promise to a little cowboy. He had been begging for a pony to keep at our house so he could ride much more often than just when we came to the farm in Indiana.  We promised him that if he would help with the work, we would dedicate a space in our barn and build some fence so we could get a pony for our house.  And thus began the project he has referred to as “the pony palace” for the last several months. 

(a) and Snoopy were fast friends in about 2 minutes

Building pony fence with his Poppa Loran

 I talked to my mom about “the pony palace” project several times over the months.  He was SO excited and I had to share giggles about all the funny things he said in his excitement.  But I also shared with her my concerns about actually finding the right pony.  See, awesome kid ponies are kind of like unicorns, they are pretty tricky to find.  By nature, lots of ponies are kind of ornery, persnickety creatures.  We were looking for one that was so gentle our cowboy could waller all over it, already broke to ride like a pro because the rider is still learning, and didn’t have any ornery habits like biting or kicking.  My sister is amazing and had been on the hunt for quite a while through her many equine connections, but one day several weeks ago as I was talking to mom, I was just feeling bummed at the wait/trickiness of finding a good one.  Mom said something very wise (as she always does).  She told me, “when the time is right, the right one will come along.”  Those words have resonated with me nearly every day since. 

 

It made me think of all the times I life I didn’t want to wait for things.  In high school I would have loved a cute boyfriend like so many of my friends had.  Coming out of college I wanted the perfect teaching job like many of my friends in bigger cities were landing.  Six years into marriage I wanted a baby like our friends were snuggling.  When we accepted our new ministry in Illinois I wanted to have a new house picked out before our house in Indiana sold. I could go on and on… but each time MY timing wasn’t right.  But God is gracious, and in His perfect timing the right one came along.  The right guy came along to be a great husband and walk through life with me.  The right teaching positions came along to mold me and make me the educator I am today.  The right doctors walked beside us to help give us two wonderful, healthy little boys.  The right home for our family (with plenty of room to welcome a pony) came along right after we sold our house.  When the time was RIGHT… the right one came along.

 

And like she usually is, Mom was right.  Snoopy is super sweet, gentle, and exactly right for our cowboy.  They were fast friends complete with hugs and kisses in a matter of minutes, and within 10 minutes of his pit stop at the farm they were having a VERY successful first ride together.

 

I realize the “right” pony pales in comparison to the right husband, kids, career, and home.  But this pony had been the daily prayer of a 4-year-old boy (and truthfully his parents) for months, and our new pal, Snoopy, is the perfect reminder of how God cares for even the smallest details, the sparrows of the air, the lilies of the field, or in our case- the pony of our pasture.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.” Ecclesiastes 3:11

Mayhem Memories

On Saturday morning, I was working in the kitchen when (b) emerged from the hallway soaking wet, smelling minty fresh, and grinning from ear to ear.  I quickly panicked as I announced “Why do you smell minty?” and went looking for the source of the situation.  Didn’t take me long to find an entire bottle of mouthwash spilled all over the bathroom floor.

 

On Monday morning, I ran to the bedroom for just a minute to grab something and began hearing cries from the kitchen.  I went running back to the kitchen to discover (b) had opened the cabinet under the sink and found the large, sticky glue mouse trap that I kept under there “just in case.”  But when I say he “found” it, I mean he had it stuck to his arm, leg, and pacifier and more was all over the floor.  It was a mess of EPIC proportion.  After I cleaned it all up (and cried a little) I called (A) to inform him he was not allowed to go to bed that night until he had installed the cabinet child locks that I had been asking him to do for several days. 

 

I was replaying the scenarios to my mom and sisters on our family group text when one of my sisters jokingly suggested we should nickname that cutie “Mayhem” after the popular insurance commercial where a man calling himself “Mayhem” continually shows up causing issues and messes.  We got a good laugh out of it, but then he illustrated it perfectly on Wednesday while we were having a lake day with friends and he showed off his intensely messy “lake hair” along with the disaster of a melty chocolate chip granola bar.  He sure is cute, but makes me giggle as I remember that parenting isn’t for the faint of heart.

 

However, while cleaning this week I had to pause a moment and think about how fleeting the days are.  I was tackling all the bathroom mirrors for water spots and smudges, and while I had the glass cleaner out I headed for the patio door as well.  This door is always COVERED with fingerprints as both boys stand there frequently watching the wildlife in the yard, looking at Daddy mow, checking what the weather is up to, or watching each other.  But as I started to spray down the messy window as I often do, this week I just couldn’t do it.  I looked at those little fingerprints and thought about how quickly they are growing.  Once I wipe them away that size will be gone forever as they grow a little each day, and while I do not want to stop them from growing, I want to remember each precious memory every little sticky fingerprint holds. 

 

At dinner last night (a) informed me “I’m sorry Mama, (b) and I are growing up, and you can’t stop us!” To which I paused reflectively and then responded, “I know buddy, and I wouldn’t want you to stop, because that would mean something is wrong.” Despite the mayhem, the messy, and the chaos, these are the things that memories are made of, because (a) is right, they are growing up, I can’t stop them, and I don’t want to.  So if you stop by and see fingerprints all over my patio door, just know I’m holding on to those mayhem memories.

 

“I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy…” Philippians 1: 3-4

Pulling and Peace

This week it started to get real.  We are just over a month from the beginning of the school year in my district, and preliminary plans for our reopening were released to teachers.  After receiving the first email on Monday, I simply sat and cried.  I can’t wrap my head around how we are going to adjust to all the new practices, figure out the logistics of spatial issues, meet very real social/emotional needs of our students, AND accomplish anything academic (especially teaching 2 grades in one room where small group instruction around my table has been the key to differentiating for everyone’s academic needs/standards).  My heart aches to know I won’t be able to show my smiling face to them at the front of the room when I am proud of them, or they make me laugh, or we have a major educational breakthrough.  To make it more complicated, we were reminded that this is all preliminary and will most likely change a few times before school begins as state regulations are updated nearly every day.  I realize that no matter what safety practices we have in place there were will people who are unhappy with us.  For some it will be too much, for others it will be too little.  I took a quick visit to my classroom yesterday to do some measuring/visualizing as I try to map out a new room set-up for the year.  After doing so, my heart was simply broken for the rest of the day.  I feel completely inadequate to provide my students what they deserve from me this year.

Those feelings of inadequacy followed me through the rest of the day.  I felt like a bad mom because (b) climbed on and then jumped off the couch and bloodied his nose while I was paying attention to something (a) was doing.  I felt like a bad wife because dinner was a hodgepodge of leftovers for the second night in a row.  I felt like a failure at keeping our house in order as I didn’t start a load of laundry until 7:00 in the evening, and I looked outside to see just how badly the weeds had gotten a hold of my flowerbeds over the last two weeks while I was preoccupied with birthday parties, a baby shower, and getting our barn & fence ready for a new pony that is arriving soon. 

After dinner, our sweet boys had more physical energy than I had mental energy, and a cool front had blown through making the heat much more bearable- so I told (A) he was on duty for a while and I headed out to tackle the weeds.  I though the pulling would be cathartic (and I knew that while they were at a manageable point right now, they were just a couple days from completely out of control!) 

As I began pulling, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that it was July, and July has always been one of my favorite months.  For most of my life, July was the National Jr. Angus Show, for 10 years it was the 4-H fair, for all of my married life July was our main church camp month, and for many years it was Mary Kay seminar.  This year I will still get to watch some of those things virtually, but other events just aren’t happening at all.  As another piece of my heart broke thinking about it, I began praying for peace.  Peace as I begin processing what this school year means.  Peace as I cope with missing things I have always loved.  Peace to know that I am the mom for the job with these boys- even on days when they get minor injuries or have more energy than I do.  Peace to know that I can navigate the transition back to my classroom while I also help my boys navigate back to daycare/preschool with a lot of new regulations.  And as I prayed for peace, I was taken back to two conversations in particular.  One with my mom where she reminded me that I will tackle this school year just like any other.  Sure the challenges are HUGE, but this is education- the challenges are huge every year, and my colleagues and I will rise to them, because we are educators, that is what we do!  The other conversation I was reminded of was a similar one I had a few years ago with a principal who I hugely respected.  He remined me even in hard times, that we are educators, and we will find a way to do what is best for our students, that’s who we are and what we do. 

While I don’t know what it’s all going to look like when school opens, or how I am going to balance those challenges with the adjustments it will mean for my family, I do know this- the giver of all peace goes before us.  And He will provide all that I need.

And by the time I had talked it all out with Him- my flower beds looked MUCH better, I walked in the house to find the boys already asleep for the night, AND I discovered those personalized sports Fatheads aren’t too expensive… so guess who’s smiling face is STILL going to be at the front of my classroom 😉

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

As for Me and My House

It has happened, we have entered the stage of parenthood where you start participating in extracurricular activities.  For many families it is little league baseball, soccer, or pee wee basketball.  At our house it is jr rodeo.  Our cowboy has been pretty amped up about it since his first mutton bustin’ (where little guys ride a sheep) last fall, and so this summer we have let him become a member of the local youth rodeo organization and he is participating in their summer series of 6 rodeos.

Our first rodeo was a muddy mess in a torrential downpour.  The car had to be pulled out with a tractor afterwards and I have never dealt with so much muddy laundry in my life… but some things happened that day that moved my mom-heart pretty deeply.  Despite the mud, (a) had a BLAST and he was so proud of himself for being brave and tough.  And while he was in line waiting for one of his events, he started visiting with another little boy.  The other child’s belt buckle caught his eye, and (a) struck up a conversation with the first line, “I like your belt buckle!”  They went on to discuss their different events, giggle about their ponies, and before I knew it, on his own, (a) stuck out his hand to shake hands with his new friend, (md), and introduced himself by name.  When we got ready to leave he wanted to make sure to tell him good-bye and told me, “Mama, I want to go tell (md) he did a great job!”  There are SO many things we are failing at as parents, but I felt like he is listening to a few things we are trying to teach him when he could shake hands with another young man and make sure to tell him (a competitor) that he did a great job.  When we went to our next rodeo a few weeks later, the boys were so excited to see each other again.  The jabbered, and giggled, and let (md)’s mom snap an adorable picture of them.  His mom and I talked about our jobs and our churches, and how thankful we were to see our boys making friends.

Once again, at the second rodeo something happened that moved me, to tears actually, that I was not prepared for.  As with many sporting events, the day started with the presentation of the flag and the singing of the national anthem.  After that, the announcer prayed for the day- not a generic politically correct prayer, but a real prayer, in the name of Jesus, for the safety of the participants and thanksgiving for the opportunity to do what they love.  Of course, that is something I have heard all my life, but on that day, it hit me in a VERY emotional way.  Just the day before I had seen the news briefly, and rioters were burning an American flag while defacing a statue of George Washington.  My heart has been so broken as I have watched things unfolding for the last several months.  So many things are polarizing our country right now, pitting brother against brother, friend against friend.  It seems like everything I see is politically charged from one side or the other, people are attacking each other over differing views- whether it is about racial equality, wearing of masks, or who we should vote for in November.  It feels like the world has lost its ability to respectfully discuss things, to care about others, or to consider that you as an individual might not be the center of the universe.  As a mom, I watch the things happening around us and I am truly terrified for the world my boys might face.  If I think about it too much it is paralyzing.  I fear they might see a day where democracy ceases to exist, a day where they might be persecuted for their faith, or a day where it will be hard to still be friends with people who don’t see the world EXACTLY like they do. 

As the flag was presented that day and The Star-Spangled Banner was sung, I was unprepared for the tears that came flowing down my cheeks.  As I looked around the arena at everyone standing and men holding their cowboy hats over their hearts, all I could think of was the verse from Joshua“As for me and my house…”  I cannot control the world around me, I cannot control how others feel, and think and act, I cannot control what is happening in Washington… but (A) and I can focus on what happens in OUR house.  We can raise young men who still stand for the flag- does she represent a perfect country, no, of course there are terrible, sad parts of our past that we need to continue to learn from and change for the future, but we can respect what she stands for and all the freedoms that men and women have laid down their lives for.  We can raise young men who want to be friends with others- no matter what their back ground is, what they look like, where they are from, or what their political views are- young men who respect differences, learn from others, and can still be friends at the end of the day when they don’t see everything eye to eye.  We can raise young men who cling to their faith, even if it isn’t always the popular thing to do, who will do the right thing even when it’s hard, and stand up for others when they need a friend.  I can’t fix all the problems in this world, I can’t change other people, but for me and my house- we will serve the Lord and do our best to stand on His Word and His values. 

When the flag left the arena and the prayer was over, I had to pull myself together.  In a world that seems so scary right now, I had a little peek of perspective.  There are still wonderful, happy things happening, there are still people who cheer for each other, build each other up, help each other out, there are still good people serving as role models for my children, and there are opportunities for them to bring the change I hope to see in the world.  And I pray that there are other families standing on that hope as well… As for me and my house…

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15

ONE

I will never understand how time moves so quickly.  By this time next week, (b) will be ONE.  ONE whole year of fun, snuggles, bright blue eyes, and wrinkle-nose smiles.  ONE year of watching two brothers ADORE each other in every way, and learning how to navigate parenthood when there are two small people to be responsible for.  My word for the year in 2019 was “JOY,” and it was so appropriate in every way, especially considering how much of that was added by (b) joining our family that year.  While he was not our first adventure in parenting, we still learned so much by watching our joy multiply into another little boy.

At ONE month old, we took him to church camp with us.  He was still NOT a good sleeper at the time (oh how thankful I am that now he is a sleeping rock-star), I was nursing exclusively, and I was only 4 weeks post c-section.  But in that week, I watched God remind me how I can be a mom and still serve others as well.  Looking back, I have no idea how we even functioned through that week… the nights were short… like 4-5 hrs of sleep short.  The days were busy, I was having to find time to feed the baby, and keeping up with high school kids during a week of camp is also very physically demanding.  Oh, and I was sleeping on a church camp, wooden, bunk-bed.  But I enjoyed that week so very much.  God gave us strength and endurance that came from Him alone.  I didn’t miss a single student-oriented function all week, (b) was sweet and flexible enough to take all of his feedings or rare fussy moments during break times, recreation times, or canteen.  I was able to focus on being mom when he needed me, and focus on our students when they needed me.  It was a powerful lesson in how God could meet my needs when I relied on Him.

ONE major difference between our boys was my health after delivery.  I had a lot of health issues the first time around, and truthfully I don’t remember much for the first 7 weeks of (a)’s life.  This time was entirely different and I was able to soak up SO many precious snuggles, just watching him sleep, coo, or make faces at me.  It was a strong reminder of how fleeting the days are, and has made me slow down more often to just enjoy little moments with them.  Just last weekend, I began to take (b) to his crib for nap time but then had second thoughts and just settled down into the couch to hold him while he slept.  These precious moments won’t last forever.

ONE of my biggest worries was how the boys would feel about each other.  I knew (a) was excited to be a big brother, but I didn’t know if he really understood what that meant and I was worried what he would do when the “newness” wore off and this brother thing became his reality every day.  As we reach the ONE year mark, I’m so thankful to say I had nothing to worry about.  They absolutely adore each other.  They love to play together, the way they can make each other laugh can lighten even the gloomiest days, (a) loves to be his protector but also introduce him to new things.  He loves to introduce him to other people and is so proud to tell them all about how special (b) is.  And thankfully, in 358 days of brother life, I have only heard ONCE “I don’t want this baby!” (That involved the next statement of “He’s destroying my fences!” Ya just can’t get between big brother and his cowboy operation)

(b) is our Mr. ONEderful, he is full of wONEder every day as he grows and changes, it has been ONE incredible year as his parents, and I am ONE thankfully, blessed mama.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

Underestimating

Early in the week (A) brought some donuts home as a treat for (a).  At nearly one, (b) is discovering he has quite the ability to pester his big brother by taking his things, so when he was giggling and trying to swipe the donut from (a) I went ahead and gave him his own.  He only has 2 teeth, so I didn’t really expect him to do much more than gnaw on it, but it was going to keep him occupied while I made some eggs for the “real” part of breakfast.  I few minutes later I looked over to realize the donut was gone.  I assumed he dropped it, so I started checking the floor and the seat of the highchair but, nope, the donut was gone and he was grinning from one frosting covered ear to the other and waving his sticky hands.  Sure enough, Mr. Two-Teeth had devoured an entire regular size donut.  Some days I totally underestimate his appetite.

On Tuesday, (A) took a vacation day and we had a little state part adventure with several members of his family.  As a part of the adventure we did some kayaking on a lake in the park.  It was a gentle lake with no current and very reasonable in size, so it was a perfect place for (a) to have his first kayaking adventure.  He was in the front of his daddy’s two-person kayak and I was following them on my own.  I was enjoying the site of how cute they were together but because the way the sound traveled on the water I was really enjoying overhearing their conversation.  Before long they were teasing each other and swapping humorous jabs.  I was enjoying listening and I soon heard (a) retort to his daddy a one liner dripping with sarcasm in which he put up his hands and used “air quotes” correctly… he is four.  I called up to (A) to make sure I had heard the exchange correctly, and through his own laughter he assured me that yes, I had heard his comment and seen his gesture correctly.  Some days I completely underestimate his sense of humor and ability to communicate beyond his age.

Last week we were in Indiana for a few days and (a) made the big decision to graduate to riding his full-size pony.  Up to this point, he has spent most of his riding time on his little 40-year-old Shetland pony, Sugarfoot.  While he is adorable, sweet, and SOOO patient with our cowboy…he is OLD for a pony and SUPER slow.  It has been a wonderful learning experience, and I am so thankful for that sweet pony, but if (a) wants to become a more proficient rider he needed to make the transition to his younger more active pony.  She is also sweet and an excellent learning pony for him, but she is less experienced and as a result sometimes is spooked by noise or sudden movements.  He rode for several hours and different excursions during our 2 days at the farm and a few of those times Lilly (the pony) was spooked by something and did a little “dancing” as he called it as she jumped nervously.  I was right there with him each time, and each time I held by breath expecting he would get upset and decide he wanted to get off.  Instead, he surprised me by staying calm, holding on, being brave, and taking it in stride.  I was so proud, but I realized that some days I completely underestimate how much he is growing into a “big kid” who is capable of handling more things and doing it with his brave face on. 

As I watch the two of them grow and change every day, I realize that I completely underestimated the ability my heart had to love.  I underestimated the amount of joy they would bring me, the amount of patience they would teach me, and the amount of fun we would have has a family.

“Children are God’s love-gift; they are heaven’s generous reward.” Psalm 127:3

Personality

As we are nearing (b)’s first birthday I have been a little sentimental about my sweet snuggly baby moving toward that toddler phase.  There is something so wonderful about baby cuddles and watching their tiny little figure sleep or coo.  But as (A) and I discuss all the time, there is also something wonderful about watching him grow- and that is personality. 

Holding each of my boys as they were tiny infants I would often wonder and pray about who they were going to become and what they would be like.  I pray that they will love and serve Jesus before all else, that they will be men who lead their families, communities, and churches with a servant heart, but all the personality pieces who will make up those men are such a mystery when they are tiny.  It became apparent quite quickly that (a) was going to have a big personality.  He knows what he wants and he is a master negotiator, he can also be one of the sweetest, most compassionate kids I know.  He lives life at full volume, full speed, and full force, but because of that he isn’t very likely to pull a prank or surprise on you because he is too excited, too loud, or too dramatic to make that happen.  You never wonder where you stand with him, he will tell you (good or bad) and he will confidently stick a hand on a hip and use the other to talk with as he tells you.  He is curious (to the point of my total exhaustion), creative, and has a huge imagination. 

When we were expecting (b) I was so worried he would get overshadowed by his brother’s big personality.  Would people notice him? Would he be loved the same?  But as we are watching his personality develop, I’m quickly finding out I had nothing to fear- his personality is also big, but in a different way.  He is going to be our prankster- he is sneaky, subtle, and thinks himself to be SO funny.  He is fearless in ways we never saw (a) and in ways that nearly give me a heart attack multiple times a day.  He is a flirt and a giggle box, he loves to have all eyes on him, and he is not afraid to stand his ground- especially when it comes to dealing with his big brother- and I love watching these little pieces unfold daily.

As I am captivated by their personalities each day, I hope they will never give up these precious pieces of themselves.  Sure, some pieces need to be refined and guided- you can’t always be the center of attention or tell people exactly what you think in every situation- but these pieces of personality are a reflection of God’s own image.  They are pieces of the puzzle that He placed in these boys to equip them to live their lives doing His work.

There was a time in my life where someone told me that my personality was wrong, that no one wanted to work with me or be around me the way I was, and that who I was just wasn’t right.  I was in an extremely vulnerable place at the time, and the words of one person managed to steal pieces of my personality for several years.  I ran from leadership opportunities (even when my heart was drawn to them), I tried to give up things that I was naturally drawn to, and I set aside dreams that had been in my heart for years- because I believed those pieces of my personality were wrong and I feared that they might cause me another deep hurt if I “let them out” to be seen again.  Thankfully, over a matter of years, God gently reminded me that those were pieces of personality that HE put inside me.  Those pieces had been visible from the time I was a little girl the size of (a), and while they constantly needed to be refined and guided, I could not just remove or discard pieces of my personality, because without those pieces He placed inside of me, I couldn’t fully step into the work He had for me and the purpose He was calling me to.  And when I finally quit denying the pieces of my personality that made me ME, it was incredibly freeing, I found purpose and passion, and God began to open doors for me in places I had never seen them before.

As I watch these little faces grow into men, as I help them refine and guide their personalities, I pray I will always be able to point the pieces toward Jesus.  That I will never try to take away the pieces of who He is creating them to be, and that I will have the patience to survive their precious, growing, personalities.

“Now may the God of peace,…equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Hebrews 13: 20-21

When I Don't Know What to Say

It’s no secret that I’m a talkative girl, but I will admit there are still many times when I have no idea what to say.  One morning this week (a) informed me he was checking all his plastic horses to see if they were a boy or a girl and told me WHAT he was looking for to make his decision.  I had no words to respond to him in that moment.  My thoughts were mixed between thinking he was pretty smart, to weren’t plastic horses just unisex? (turns out they are not!), to how do I not laugh in this moment, to thinking it must be a normal thing for a kid who spends a lot of time on the farm.  But since my thoughts were all over the place, the only words that came out of my mouth in response to him were, “Oh, ok!”

This past Christmas morning, and again on Mother’s Day there were moments when I had no idea what to say as I opened my gifts.  Each time my dear, sweet husband wanted to make sure I had something to open… but his effort was sorely lacking as he just picked some random things on Amazon and had them shipped to our house.  I didn’t know what to say because my thoughts were mixed between wanting to seem grateful, not wanting to hurt his feelings, wondering what on earth he had been thinking, and my feelings being a little hurt that I had put in some real effort to his gift compared to what I was receiving.  So since my thoughts were all over the place, all I could respond was, “Oh… wow!”

There have been other moments as a parent and teacher when I knew I needed to discipline but had no idea what to say because the child’s “offense” was creative, or funny, or super intelligent.  There have been times in conversations where strangers have shared information that I was not prepared to hear and I found myself totally unsure of how to respond.

And when it comes to grief and hurt, I often have no idea what to say.  Many times I don’t know what it is like to walk in their shoes, I don’t want to say something that makes them hurt worse, so I simply listen, hug, and show up with food.

As I watch current events unfolding in our country, I feel like once again I am at a place where I have no idea what to say.  My heart breaks for all the hurt and unrest, for wrongs done and lives destroyed (and I don’t just mean by one specific current event…).  I am also hurt to see so much finger pointing and shaming, one-sided thinking, and blaming.  My thoughts are all over the place, and I truly have no idea what to say.  I can’t begin to know what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes, and I don’t want to say something that makes the fear or the hurt worse.  I don’t want to marginalize an issue that is of huge importance, and I don’t want to hyperfocus on a part of an issue that isn’t such a big deal.  And so most of the time, I simply keep my mouth closed.  Not because I don’t care, but because I care enough to not say the wrong thing.  And since I don’t know what to say, I would much rather listen, hug, show up with food, and be a friend.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26

Icons

An old, red, wooden barn and three blue silos are icons of my childhood.  I can’t count the times I walked into that feedway to help feed ground feed to bulls, or how many times it was my job to stand watching over the filling waterbox.  The blue silos were like a homing beacon as to how close we were back to the main part of the farm.  And most of the time I was helping with chores in the “red barn” it was with my Papaw who always worked in blue, denim, Key brand overalls- those were the icon of his chore wardrobe. 

This week I brought (a) and (b) to come spend a few days with their grandparents in Indiana.  As we were out on a pony riding adventure, I took (a) to visit the old, red barn.  The decades and the elements aren’t kind to old wooden barns, and it hasn’t been in use for many years now.  But he had fun opening the walk-through gates and adventuring into the old pens.  He walked up and down the concrete feedway looking for treasurers and asked 4,284 questions, many of which I did not have answers to, but many of which I could tell stories from my time standing in that same spot as a child.  I hadn’t thought much about their outfits that day, but (a) had chosen to wear his “God Bless the Farmer” t-shirt, and (b) was wearing his blue overall shorts… though neither of them were too excited about a picture, I had to take one anyway, there were so many iconic pieces of my heart all together in one place. 

This coming weekend my parents will celebrate their 40^th Wedding Anniversary.  Through those years they have been icons to me of what a successful marriage looks like.  They work as a pretty great team and together have raised three pretty cool women, navigated the ups and downs of the cattle markets, planting & harvest seasons, volunteered innumerable hours of time and energy for their church, Junior Angus members, and many other agriculture organizations.  They have supported each other’s careers and achievements, they have always parented with a united front, set the example of an enormous work ethic, and never hid their love and affection from us.  They were the pillars of instilling their faith in us and showed us the strength and value in standing as a family. 

Those icons in my life served as reminders and markers of goals… reminders of values and character traits I want to stand for, of things I want to pass on to my boys, of who I want to be a role model as.  They always bring back a sense of security and keep me grounded.  It reminds me of the legacy discussed in the book of Deuteronomy where God’s people were told to impress His commandments on their hearts and pass them down to their children.  The faith values and family values that were passed on to me through my parents’ marriage and our farm upbringing will always be on my heart, and I can only pray that (A) and I will be able to establish those kinds of iconic values in our boys as well.

“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children.  Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Discovery

The last couple months of quarantine have been a time of great discovery in our house.  We live back in the woods, and therefore have a lot of wildlife in the yard frequently.  (a) has discovered that he LOVES to watch for the deer, wild turkeys, squirrels, rabbits, all the various birds especially hummingbirds, coyotes, and occasional turtle.  When watching them he expects everyone to be quiet, and his tiptoe sneaking and discovery faces make me giggle every time.  He also discovered the creek that runs through the front of our property and now spends hours a week playing there.  (b) has discovered how to crawl and is now into EVERYTHING.  He has also discovered his “voice” and is not about to be out-talked by his big brother.  He seems to have a new word or trick every single day.  I have discovered that in the three years since we were last in the stage of “learning to self-feed” I had forgotten just how insanely messy it is. 

We have made some discoveries together as (A) and I have been introducing (a) to some of our favorite childhood movies made in the 60’s and 70’s (he is especially fond of Swiss Family Robinson and Bedknobs & Broomsticks).  We have discovered some of the “hacks” to taking care of parts of our property, and have discovered ways to repurpose some of the spaces and items we inherited when we bought the property 2 years ago.  (A) and I have also been discovering the lengths of mess and mud we will go to if it brings joy to our kids. 

I have discovered that (a) prefers when I am dressed up with hair fixed and make-up on as “Pretty Mommy” as opposed to hair in a bun when he says I “just look like plain old girl.”  I have discovered that the two little boys in our house consume more food a day than either of us adults and they DEFINITELY make more messes and laundry.  I have discovered that nap time is the most productive hour and a half of my day, but playtime is the most fun.  In these 9 weeks I also discovered that a 12volt John Deere Gator and a joggling stroller were some of the wisest investments we have made as parents. 

We have discovered that online church can be a huge blessing as it has allowed family and friends who are not local to join us, and it has also given us a chance to be a part of services in other churches that we could not normally attend.  I discovered that as an educator, I could “pivot” on less than 24 hours notice, and I could find ways to show students my love and attention that I had never used before. 

While I am very anxious to get back among our friends and family, and I would love to sit down in a restaurant or snag some new summer clothes, we have discovered some things during this time that I don’t want to forget.  The awe and wonder of discovery has brought a lot of joy and purpose to our days.  I pray that as our lives slowly open back up, we would carry with us the discoveries of this unique time.

“The spiritually hungry are always ready to learn more, for their hearts are eager to discover new truths.” Proverbs 18:15