Behind the Mask

As an elementary teacher, I spend 180 days with my students each year.  And without fail, I can tell you the 2 craziest days of those 180 will be Halloween and Valentine’s Day.  On Valentine’s Day there is a “love potion” of sugar and giggles and flattering cards exchanged that brings out a crazy side of every child.  On Halloween there is the excitement of the costume, the anticipation of candy, and the chance to- for one night- be the hero or princess you always wanted to be. 

It tends to start in late September… the rumors of who they are going to dress up as for Halloween.  And soon you hear about trips to Stuff*Mart and Party Metropolis to pick up the accessories and costumes necessary for the transformation.  Many little girls want to be a beautiful princess complete with tiara, sparkly eye shadow, and sash that comes untied 947 times throughout the one dress-up day.  Boys want to be a super hero from their favorite comic book or movie and are THRILLED by the thought of making you guess who they really are behind the mask. 

I remember the excitement of putting together my costume each year.  My mom wasn’t one to go and buy costumes for us- we usually created something by digging through the “days gone by” in her closet.  For me that was more thrilling than anything we could have bought.  I loved having the chance to wear a skirt over top of the crinoline slip from her wedding dress- it made me feel like the belle of the ball.  I loved discovering the treasures of her closet when she brought out her high school letter jacket for me to be a cheerleader, or polyester and printed leisure suits from her teenage years in the 70’s.  The creativity of taking these items and turning them into a “costume” was a challenge that I loved to tackle each year.  It let me, for one night, pretend to be something I was not.  And the anticipation for that night was huge- I couldn’t wait for the chance to show up and shine in that identity.  My younger sister went as her hero, Garth Brooks, for at least three years.  See she did not want to grow up to be a country singer, she literally though she could BE Garth Brooks.    There just really was something special about how you felt in that costume.  It gave you just a little more confidence in yourself, a little more spring in your step, and a little escape from your “everyday” life as a kid. 

The Wilson Girls do Halloween, circa 1994

I will admit, since I am an elementary teacher, I do still try to put together a fun costume as a favorite story book character for the annual dress up day at school.  But the older I get, the less exciting it is.  Probably because, if I am really honest, I now put on my “mask” far more often than just one day in October.  If I am stressed or feeling less than confident, I will reach for a lipstick that is a shade darker or bolder- it is something to hide behind.  (Just wait- during spring standardized testing at school you will see me in Powerful Pink every day haha!)  I will fluff my hair just a little bigger than usual and hold my chin up and smile as I give myself a pep talk in the mirror that I CAN tackle what this day is throwing at me even when (no-especially when) I don’t think I have it in me.  There is just something about putting on the “mask.” 

The difference between the child in the costume, and me behind the “mask” is the motivation for the alter identity.  As a child, the costume is a sign of who you want to be and how you potentially see yourself.  As an adult, (for me at least) it is something to hide behind when I’m not secure in who I am.  I need to learn to shift my vision back to what I saw as a little girl- when I aspired to claim an identity, not hide from one.  I need to remember that my identity is found in Christ and who He is making me through Him- and oh how I want to put on that identity daily.  I don’t have to hide behind a mask or a costume to be a child of the King, bought with the highest price, chosen, set apart, called, made in His image, and lavished in His love.  And here is the best part, through Him, I can put on that identity every day- not just once a year.  Thank you, Lord, for letting me wear the identity that you have created for me… and thank you for bright lipstick so I have the confidence to claim that identity when I look in the mirror.  😉

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known.  But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see him as he is.      

1 John 3: 1-2

The Waiting Place

I have a love/hate relationship with waiting.  I love waiting to start something I don’t really want to do, but I hate waiting for things that I’m excited about.  I know people who look at a job they dread- and they just tackle it head-on.  They like to get it accomplished and get it over with.  I admire them, but I can’t say that I am one of them.  Papers that are easy to grade I jump on first, but the detailed tedious assignments are the last pile I attack for the day.  Laundry that has to be very carefully sorted for “gentle” cycle and certain pieces then pulled for “lay flat to dry” is always the last load done for the weekend.  Those three annoying dishes that require extra scrubbing will sit longer, and the mopping will wait an extra week (or two). I’m REALLY good at waiting to the do the things I DON’T want to do.  But the things I want…. Those are hard to wait for. 

I still love Christmas, though these days it is because I love gift GIVING much more than the receiving.  In 10 years of marriage, I STILL don’t think I have ever waited all the way until Christmas morning to give (A) his gift… I just can’t wait.  If I buy a new outfit for a special occasion I end up “trying it on” around the house 3 evenings in a row before the event because I just can’t wait to wear it and have to pair it with just the right accessory combo.  If I am cooking dinner, I am usually still snacking around as I cook because I just can’t wait to eat.  I’m not very good at waiting. 

My husband says I’m very good at making him wait.  For years he has claimed that he has spent half his life waiting on me.  I have always told him that was a HUGE exaggeration… but now that we have been together literally almost half his life my argument isn’t going to hold water much longer, because in all that time I can count on one hand the times I have been ready before him… in the end he usually is waiting on me.  I may have even been ready to go first, but just had to start one more project, or retouch my hair one more time, or change in to one different outfit… It really is a wonder he married me.  When we were dating there were many times I remember I didn’t even come in from the barn to start getting ready for our date until he was already there to pick me up.  He sometimes spent almost an hour sitting in the living room being “entertained” by my youngest sister while I got my act together and got rid of the “barn smell.”  I knew then, the man had the patience of Job and I better hang on to him.

That being said, it is hard for me to hear the directive to “wait” when it comes from God.  I like to know what the plan is, I like to know what is going to happen next, and I like to know how to be prepared for it.  I do NOT like to just wait.  But sometimes, that is what God is asking us to do.  

One of my all-time favorite Dr. Seuss books is Oh the Places You’ll Go (Random House, 1990).  I find it inspiring and motivating and I love reading it to students to make them think about how they can face the future.  But in that book Dr. Seuss describes what he calls “a most useless place… The Waiting Place…”  In the waiting places “everyone is just waiting.”  And as you read the book he cautions the reader not to get stuck there where people are waiting on trivial things without moving forward.  Because my personality type is (in the words of my son) “go, go go,” I have always held kind of a Dr. Seuss attitude toward waiting… it is NOT something I want to get stuck doing.  But sometimes, that is exactly where God needs me to be- in His waiting place. 

Kind of how I picture the waiting place... 

In her book, You’re Already Amazing (Revell, 2012) author Holley Gerth (I seriously LOVE this chic’s books!!) talks about some of the reasons God tells us to wait.  She says sometimes it is because we are weary and need to heal, sometimes it is because He is preparing us for what lies ahead, and sometimes it is simply because He says “it is just not time yet.”  But I love her encouragement when she says this:

              “Whatever the reason, use this time to rest and receive the truth your heart needs for the journey.  You are loved.  God has a purpose for you.  He is working out his plans for your life.”

She also reminds readers that

              “…what it’s like to be in the mysterious middle- of circumstances, of unmet expectations, of the journey from Egypt to Home.  When we’re right in the ‘middle’ of life, we can take comfort in knowing we’re right in the center of God’s hands too.”

Sometimes the Waiting Place is exactly where God needs me to be, I just have to learn to be patient.  I have to learn to listen to why He has me in that place.  Right now, I honestly believe it may be for many reasons.  I know I am weary, I know I need to heal, and I know He has to prepare me for the next leg of the journey- but even knowing that I often need His reminders to be patient through the process.   I know, it my humanity, that waiting is hard, but I cling to His promise:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”   Ecc. 3:11

And I am exciting to see what that looks like as He makes it beautiful… in fact, I can’t wait! 😉

              

Through the Lens

Last week, my sister was riding in the car with me as we headed to take (a) on a pumpkin patch adventure.  We were visiting and laughing and I couldn’t help but notice as I was driving just how BEAUTIFUL the fall leaves were on this gorgeous sunny day.  When I said something to her about it, she gave me kind of a “huh?” and I responded by telling her how impressed I was with the colors.  The trees were WAY prettier than we had at home, and we don’t live all that far from each other!  She again gave me kind of a quizzical look, and so I slipped off my sunglasses to look back at her.  It was then I realized… the leaves were BARELY starting to turn it all, they only had a very slight tint of yellow to them, it was actually my orange/gold tinted sunglasses lenses that were blending with the very slight yellow to make the leaves look BRILLIANT.  In reality, the colors were not very vibrant at all, and definitely no different than home.  The lens I was looking through was what made the colors appear as I saw them.  We had a good laugh about it (I promise my natural hair color is brown, but I know sometimes my sisters wonder…) but it gave me some food for thought.   The lens we look through has a lot to do with our perspective on life.

Sunglasses on, Pumpkin Patch ready!

 

It’s true for so many things in life, even silly ones.  I am a Purdue University graduate, so I notice cars with Purdue plates more than others.  I own a small business on the side, so I notice when people use the products made by our company.  I love to be girly, so I pay attention to the shoes, jewelry, purses, make-up, and hair of other women. 

The lens of life experience also seems to “tint” my vision.  I have some medical history that led to a time in our lives where (A) and I did not know if we would ever be able to have children.  At the time we were very private about the situation, and did not share this with many people.  However, the constant question of “When are you going to have babies!!??” or the reminders that “You aren’t getting any younger!” or “All your friends are having kids, why won’t you have a baby!?” wore on me heavily.  Because my lens of that question brings back pain, it nearly makes me sick anytime I hear someone ask the same question of another couple.  Through the lens of the person asking the question it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but through my lens perspective I want to SCREAM “Don’t you know that could be the most painful question on the planet that you just asked!!??? Don’t you know they may DESPERATELY want to have babies and they are well aware that they are not getting any younger?!  They may be thinking the same thing… ALLLL our friends are having babies, why won’t OUR bodies let us have a baby.” 

My life experience lens also tends to make me naïve at times.  I was raised in a home with two parents who still love each other 37 years into marriage, who took me to church every Sunday, who expected us to work hard, use our manners, do our best, and never give up.  We sat down to dinner as a family most nights (harvest season was sometimes an exception haha), we talked about what was happening in our lives, and we knew that if we were in trouble at school there would be more trouble at home.  I have parents who love/loved us through any situation we were facing and meant it when they said they would carry us through.  It was an amazing lens to grow up looking through, but it often blindsides me as a teacher.  I can’t comprehend what it is like to be raised in the homes of some of my students when they share devastating stories, when parents walk away, when no work ethic is being instilled at home, when they don’t feel loved unconditionally… my lens was so different I don’t know how to look through theirs.

My little boy has a lens of wonder and amazement at the simple things in life.  While on fall break last week, we spent an hour one afternoon at the playground together.  I LOVE to watch how carefully he examines so many things and how exciting the littlest things can be to him.  He picked up a leaf, kept turning it over and over and then exclaimed “WHOOAAAA!!!” Next, it was a stick that he kept holding up, looking at from different angles, and then announced “Stick!! Wow!” And I think… through his little lens all those things are AMAZING.  Where did my vision or lens change that I don’t see those same things in the same ways?  Is it time to have my “eyes” checked?

I will admit, there have been a lot of days lately where I honestly have not been ok.  Through the lens of those days even things like ink stains on a shirt, a long drive in the car, or the realization that there is no nursery are enough to send me straight to tears and break my spirit for the rest of the day.  I have to change the lens I look through and find the one that makes gratefulness vibrant, the one that makes the love of my family stand out, the lens that reminds me that God is in control.  And I’ll be real, some days I just can’t do it… I can’t find a lens to make pain less painful, to make a process less difficult to face, to make a dark spot seem more light…

But I do know this, I am loved by the ONE who has perfect vision, and is the only one whose lenses see everything in perfect clarity.  And I know that He has our little family in the palm of his hand.  We just have to trust Him, and look at our life through the lens of His love. 

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”     2 Corinthians 4:18

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.”    Isaiah 55:8

Choose Joy

Parenting has taught me LOTS of things.  Don’t ever leave the bathroom door open, little people can eat lots of food, take a change of clothes, trust your nose, small=quick, it is possible to love even more than you knew, you will never get it all figured out, joy is not dependent on circumstances, and so much more…. But that little part about joy has been a big lesson to me.

It seems that no matter what is going on, that little boy can find joy in it.  Whether we are eating, riding in the car, playing outside, eating, dancing around the house, reading books, eating, cuddling, playing on his rocking horse, eating, building with blocks, working puzzles, eating, or even sleeping… he finds a way to make it fun and put a smile on his face.  It doesn’t always start out “happy,”  he may fall down and scrape his knee, his shirt may get wet (which he is NOT a fan of), he may run out of food, but even still, he finds a way to enjoy what it going on- and that is INFECTIOUS- no matter what the circumstances.

I have learned that being happy and being joy-filled really are two different things.  Happy is often dependent on how things are going- we all got out the door on time, everyone grabbed breakfast, the outfit I wanted to wear was clean, all my students are present so I’m not going to chase down make-up work, the sun is shining, the temperature is just right, I got in a solid run, I had time to fix dinner, I got to go to bed early… all those things make me happy.  But the reality is they happen less than 1% of the time and the chances of all those things happening on the same day…. well that is too small of a number to calculate!  Instead, I watch my son as a reminder to CHOOSE JOY.  Joy is that hope deep within, that tells me no matter what- the Spirit of God is dwelling inside of me and I will not be crushed.  Joy says even on the hard days I will remind positive, because I know God is in control.  Joy says when things aren’t going right, look around and find pleasure in the little things.  Joy takes inventory of what cannot be taken from me and makes that a reason to thank God even when other things are gone.  After all, joy is a fruit of the spirit- and if we allow the Spirit to guide us, joy is going to shine through no matter what. 

“May the God of hope fill you with all JOY and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”   Romans 15:13

This past Friday I received one of the most precious and humbling pieces of artwork I have ever seen from a student.  She had taken time out of her evening on Thursday to draw this picture of me.  She made sure to point out that she added my “haystack hair” (that alone I find an adorable and hilarious description of my need for big hair) and she gave me quite a “tan.”  But the words were precious to me… “You are so bright the sun itself turns jealous.” 

As I hugged her and thanked her and wiped away a tear all I could think was “Oh baby girl, that’s all Jesus.”  There are so many days I do not feel like I am shining, but I’m so very grateful that his Spirit finds a way to shine through even when I don’t feel “happy.”  And it is always my prayer, that Jesus shining through, is what those 22 kiddos see in my every day.  Even when I am not “happy” with them for leaving trash on the floor, and talking through the entire math lesson, and spilling a water bottle on the floor, and being impatient with their computers- I pray they will still see JOY shining out of me.  The joy of the SON that is so bring the SUN itself is jealous. 

“Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father.”  Matthew 13:43a

Today, and everyday, I choose JOY.  

Little Things

I will admit, sometimes I am crazy busy and pretty stressed, and when I am I often overlook “the little things.”  On weeks like this one where I am juggling work, appointments, parent teacher conferences, family obligations, heightened stress levels, and hoping to feed my family something slightly more nutritious than frozen pizza- I am just not spectacular at noticing small details or simple gestures.  But the last few days I have been given precious reminders… sometimes those “little things” really are the big things. 

While (A) had some work obligations this past weekend, (a) and I spent a couple days at the farm with my family and my grandparents who were in from out of state.  On my Saturday morning run I let myself literally run, down memory lane.  I have gone up and down that stretch of county road hundreds of thousands of times in my life… and in the early cool of the quiet sunshine on Saturday morning I allowed myself to remember those times. 

When I was a little girl my mom and I would walk down the road to the main part of the farm to check in with dad.  We would stop and smell the honeysuckle, pick milkweed and Queen Anne’s lace, and I remember that it could NOT go in the house because my Momma didn’t want ants…. Sometimes the little things really are the big things.  When I was learning to ride my bike, it was the pinnacle of achievement when I was deemed safe enough to ride from the house to the barns at the main part of the farm.  As I entered jr high, my grandfather was battling full blown Alzheimer’s Disease and my daily trip up the road included stopping that their house to pick up Papaw on the ATV so he could go with me to water cows.  It wasn’t a taxing chore on either of us, but it was precious time together.  Him feeling as if he was still contributing to the farming operation, and me learning how to reverse the roles of care.  It wasn’t a big deal to me… but sometimes the “little things” are the big things.  As a teenager, I hauled all kinds of farm equipment up and down that stretch of road, and I will always remember how much I enjoyed those long hours in the tractor lost in my thoughts and singing loudly to the songs on the radio.  There were even a few times I hit that stretch of road REALLY early in the morning because (A) and I had been to the late movie the night before, and I knew that if I wanted to be allowed to go on another date with that cute guy from the next county over I better prove that I could “roll early” the next morning to be at work even after being out late.  When I went away to college, that stretch of road came to mean even more- because while I loved what I was doing the time I spent at home was all the more precious.  And as I have grown to an adult with a family of my own, the stretch of road always brings me back to safely, security, roots, faith, family, life’s important lessons… all those “little things” that really are the big things.  As I allowed myself all those memories this past weekend I couldn’t help but realize that all those “little things” are what made me who I am.  They make up the biggest parts of me. 

Later that same morning (a) wanted me to go with him to “see baby cow” as he put it and check on “Doc” (my sister’s horse).  As I watched him lead me around the farm and jabber at me like it was the first time I had ever been there and he was the official tour guide- I have to admit, I wiped away a few tears.  Just the “little things” like watching him climb the gate the same way I used to and how excited he was to “see cows” made me realize that those little moments together really are the big things, the things that matter. 

The last few weeks our family has received so many cards, calls, texts, messages, invitations, and words of encouragement.  I know that to the people who extended those things it felt like something small… but sometimes the “little things” really are the big things.  Today one of my dearest friends kept (a) for the day and when she returned him he was also accompanied by a hot dinner prepared for our family because she knew I’m a little overwhelmed right now.  Because I know her heart, I know she thought those were little things, but to me they were big things that meant more than I could even tell her.  And it made me think again… that I need to stop- even in the busy weeks- and pay attention to the “little things.”  Because more times that I realize, the little things really are the big things.

 He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. ³² Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”  Matthew 13:31-32

Where's Dada?

My son’s favorite person has always been his dad.  His rank of favorites goes something like Daddy, Sadie (our dog), Titan (our other dog), Doc (my sister’s horse), then throw in grandparents, aunts, uncles, childcare workers, his goldfish, and FINALLY I can get a “Mama” in after all of those people… but I’m ok with that because I think he’s dad’s pretty epic too, after all, that is why I married him.  The two of them have been inseparable pals since the first time he was placed in (A’s) arms.  They play together, read stories together, go on adventures together, Daddy does morning routine, bath time, and teaches ornery tricks like growling at the dinner table. 

To (a), “Dada” is his safe place, his strength, his shoulder when he is sad or doesn’t feel good, his best friend, his partner in crime, his source of giggles and tickles, and the one he showers all his love on.  He even loves all his Daddy’s things.  This past Saturday (A) had to be at work early in the morning and was gone before (a) got up, so (a) spent the entire morning taking me around the house pointing out to me “Dada’s towel,” “Dada’s shoes!”, “Dada’s!!” (that was a can of body spray he was holding up), and continually making my phone light up to the backscreen picture of the two of them so he could shout “Dada!!”

As most toddlers do, (a) has a phrase that he uses 1,467,982 times each day- “Where’s …. (fill in the blank)?”  However, the last couple of weeks he has sensed that things are not completely normal in our house and his CONSTANT question is “Where’s Dada?”  While many times the answer is “At work,” there are also TONS of times when he asks “Where’s Dada?”  when the answer is “Right there!” across the room.  He just needs that reassurance that Daddy is still right there close to him, ready to be all the things that he needs. 

While sometimes his constant question over an answer this is so easy to see makes me crazy, it has been a reminder that I have needed to hear.  That NO MATTER WHAT, our Father should be my safe place, my strength, my shoulder when I am sad or my heart hurts, my best friend, my source of joy, and the one I shower all my love on.  Over the last few weeks I have found myself asking sometimes, “Father… where are you!?” and He has graciously found thousands of ways to remind me “I’m at work in your life.  I’m right here!”  Sometimes I just need the reassurance that our Heavenly Father is still right here close to me, ready to be all the things that I need. 

Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the Lord

                           Jeremiah 29:12-14a           

In the meantime, I sure love sharing my life with these two and watching the love of an amazing Father and his beloved little one.  

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father,

There is no shadow of turning with Thee

I grew up on a red hymnal with the words “Hymns of Faith” printed on the front.  And this song, Great is Thy Faithfulness, was always one I loved.  It is one I often sing to (a) at bedtime and one I always smile when I hear.  But I will admit, sometimes I forget just how true it is…

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not,

As Thou has been, Thou forever will be.

Change is not usually something I look forward to- I mean really, who does?!  But when change is not by choice, I realize how much it means to have an unchanging God.  Even when things don’t feel good, God is STILL Good.  Even when you are scared, God is STILL shining light on the next step (and I can’t lie- sometimes I would REALLY like to see the next 3-4 steps at a time, but that doesn’t always happen).  Even when you feel wounded, God is STILL compassionate and loving toward his children.  He often sends His people to show compassion and to bandage your wounds.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness,

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

I have always been a planner and a girl who is prepared.  Even as an elementary age girl I kept a calendar and a day planner complete with “important deadlines,” my social events, birthdays, and upcoming plans I did not want to chance missing.  I have been a list maker, and I always check it twice to make sure I am prepared.  My family can still tell you about the list from 1998 that I literally labeled at the top as “List of things for if I forget I should be SHOT!” (Hey- it was a hectic and important week in my 14-year-old life!)  That being said, when I lost control of the plan for my life I was immediately in a tail-spin.  But living day by day has allowed me to see something I often didn’t notice before… morning by morning new mercies I see.  When I am taking things day by day I am seeing each day’s mercies and blessings as beautiful gifts.  They have come in the form of cards, hugs, encouraging words, meals shared, childcare offered, seats saved, the grin and giggle of my little boy, and so many other precious blessings that I often would have overlooked if I wasn’t searching for them morning by morning. 

All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided.

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

And it is true… all I have needed, and then some.  God has shown us how graciously He provides.  In one particular situation in the last week we had been praying very specifically over our need and had ask God that, if He was willing, there were some details that were important to fall just a certain way.  We also asked a close circle of friends to pray specifically over those details as well.  Later that very day, (A) called to tell me the need had been met… down to EXACTLY every one of the details plus a tiny kick more.  Overwhelmed with gratitude my sweet hubby said to me, “I’m SHOCKED!” And through tears I told him, “I’m NOT.”  While I do NOT believe that God is a genie-in-a-bottle to grant all our wishes and requests, He continues to show my family that HE IS FAITHFUL.  And I knew that such a specific answer to prayer was a chance to remind us that He will provide.  Thank you, Lord… GREAT IS THY FAITHFULNESS.  

Please Come and Worship with Us...

Six simple words: Please come and worship with us….

When they came through on my phone just after midnight on Saturday, my friend could never have known just how much they would mean to me.  They were literally a lifeline. 

Our little family is in a period of transition.  The transition came swiftly and we were very unprepared for the way it happened.  For the first several hours we were reeling with devastating sadness and loss and overwhelming uncertainty, but it didn’t take long for God’s people to show up in mighty ways.  Calls, texts, and messages of love and support starting coming from 10 different directions but the first moment I knew we were going to be ok was the moment I read the invitation “Please come and worship with us…”  I looked across the room at my very broken husband as I read it to him, and I was wracked with tears as I said, “I want to go.  Can I say ‘Yes!’ Will you be ok?” And he responded, “Yes, let’s go.  I WANT to go.”  And in that moment God whispered deep into my soul that we were going to be ok. 

As a girl who was raised in the church and married in to ministry, I have not received many invitations to church in my life (mostly because I was already there).  But until I was hurting, I had no idea how much an invitation to worship together could mean in someone’s life.  For someone to invite my family, broken as we were, to join them to sing praises, hear powerful promises from scripture, and feel the presence of God together, was healing salve in a gaping wound.   And it made me think… if a simple invitation to come and worship could mean so much to me, what could it mean in the life of someone else? How many times have I been too nervous to ask, so I withheld the invitation.  Or I was ready, but found some way to convince myself they were going to say no, so I just decided not to say anything.  I have vowed to myself that in the future I will remember what a lifeline that invitation was to me when I desperately needed one, and I will strive to throw it to others.

Please come and worship with us…

-Where you are free to share, but we aren’t going to ask any questions

-Where your tears are ok

-Where you will be unconditionally loved

-Where it is ok, to NOT be ok

-Where we will love you where you are

In our time of transition, I am so grateful for that lifeline, and the many others that have been extended to my family through calls, texts, messages, hugs, invitations, encouraging words, and most of all prayers.  God is SO very faithful, and those lifelines have been that reminder.

Please come and worship with us…

²³ Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ²⁴ And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, ²⁵ not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

         Hebrews 10:23-25 (NIV)

What Your Preacher's Wife Won't Tell You

Today what I’m going to share with you is scary for me… like the idea of standing in front of a crowd in a swimsuit kind of scary.  But I am going to be very honest with you because I pray I’m not the only girl who feels this way.  I do NOT share it for any kind of sympathy or pat on the back, but I share because I hope this will bring encouragement to other sisters standing in my same size 9 shoes and the ministers they love and support.

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that the guy up front in the pulpit each week… he’s just like you.  He has a set of fears, anxieties, and stresses.  He worries about his health, his kids, his house repairs, his finances, his job performance, his weight, his to do list, his own faith walk… just like you.  He is exhausted, and stretched thin, and doing his VERY best… just like you.    

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that the weight of your burdens, your struggles, and your prayer requests come home with him.  He and his family don’t begrudge you for it, because he loves his people and he loves the ministry, but it is not something he can turn off when he walks through the door.

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that it is very painful to hear people complain when they don’t get their way, criticize the way things are going, or say they are just too busy to plug in to any volunteer opportunities or programs outside of Sunday morning.  It hurts because she knows how hard her husband has worked and how many hours he has poured out to create opportunities, build programs, and grow the church’s family.  Lack of commitment is painful because she knows he has committed 200% of himself to the ministry and others are unwilling to commit even 10%. 

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that church member emergencies never happen at 10 am on a Tuesday.  They are always during a birthday party, or special family dinner, or double date night, or after the baby has gone to bed.  And he and his family are happy for him to go and be there for you, because he loves his people and he loves the ministry, but it comes with sacrifices to his personal time. 

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that sometimes it is really hard to juggle all the evening church functions (that other families can pick and choose to attend but her family can’t) with getting quality family time during the week.  And she is happy to see her hubby attend those functions, because he loves his people, and he loves the ministry, but that doesn’t make her miss him any less when he is still at work late while she is home, or he is busy working the event while his family sits without him at another table. 

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that her family has their share of “stuff” too, they just don’t share it often because they don’t know who they can trust.  It can be hard to discern who truly cares, and who would just like to know about your life to pass it on as juicy gossip.  And that leads to the next thing…

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that it is often a very lonely role.  She feels truly blessed and humbled to serve alongside her husband in ministry, so she doesn’t want to share her struggles because she doesn’t want to sound like a complainer.  But she is human too, and craves (and cherishes) the bond and trust of a couple good girlfriends who she can be “real” with- no strings attached, no judgments passed.

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that she spends a lot of time doing her best swan impression.  You know, where what you see on top looks put together, calm, and peaceful- but under the water she is frantically paddling just to stay upright and afloat when it comes to her own and her family’s schedule, healthy, and emotional management.  She only lets you see what’s on top because she wants you to know she is very grateful for ministry opportunities and doesn’t want to be shut out of those opportunities.

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is that she walks a very careful balancing act.  If she doesn’t jump in with both feet, she is accused of being “standoffish” and anti-social.  If she does jump in with both feet, she quickly faces unrealistic expectations of what all she should be responsible for.

What your preacher’s wife won’t tell you, is how desperately she wants you to tell that man you appreciate him and you see the good he is doing and the hard work he is putting in.  That you see him as a person and not just someone who should grant your wishes as to how the Sunday service should run.  She doesn’t want you to wait until your annual Christmas card or October when it is officially “Pastor Appreciation Month.”  Tell him on a random Friday when he checks in to tell you he looks forward to seeing you at church this Sunday.  Tell him on a Sunday when you see him high-five the kids coming in for worship.  He does NOT do ministry for the praise of men, he does it because he knows that he is called by God to love people and love the ministry.  But he is human too- and the words “Thank You” and “I see how hard you work” go a long way to restore his weary heart that he is pouring out daily into what he does. 

What your preacher’s wife WILL tell you, is that her family loves God’s people, and they love serving in ministry. 

She will tell you they WILLINGLY make sacrifices for the good of the Kingdom and the good of the church where they serve. 

She will tell you they covet your prayers always, and a little extra grace on the hard days. 

She will tell you that she loves that man up front, and thanks God for giving him to her. 

She will tell you that SHE did not choose ministry for her family, but that GOD chose ministry for them and they are giving all they have to fulfill that “choosing” for HIM.

 ^"But as God’s ministers, we commend ourselves in everything:

by great endurance, by afflictions,

by hardship, by difficulties,
⁵ by beatings, by imprisonments,
by riots, by labors,
by sleepless nights, by times of hunger,
⁶ by purity, by knowledge,
by patience, by kindness,
by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love,
⁷ by the message of truth,
by the power of God;
through weapons of righteousness
on the right hand and the left,
⁸ through glory and dishonor,
through slander and good report;
as deceivers yet true;
⁹ as unknown yet recognized;
as dying and look—we live;
as being disciplined yet not killed;
¹⁰ as grieving yet always rejoicing;
as poor yet enriching many;
as having nothing yet possessing everything."

2 Corinthians 6:4-10 (HCSB)

Not Just Enough

As I flopped down in my chair tonight to eat dinner (A) asked what was wrong.  I started to tell him “nothing” but knew he would read right through that, so I admitted… it’s that age old female dilemma… I’m not Wonder Woman. 

So I began to tell him what’s “wrong”… One look around my house right now is enough to bury my head in the sand.  There is laundry waiting to be done, laundry needing to be folded, a stack of Mega Blocks and tractors knee deep in the corner of living room but strewn corner to corner, a pile of dishes in the sink, and those stupid fruit flies coming from my broken garbage disposal (of course the dumb thing would quit in the middle of grinding week old coleslaw- which is impossible to completely remove from the bottom of said broken disposal).  I have papers to grade, parents to respond to, a Google Classroom that needs my attention, and lesson plans to be tweaked for later in the week.  I need to get in a few more intense trainings for a run we are doing this weekend, there are plans to be created and put in place for a new ministry position I am taking on next Sunday, I have a blog to write for tomorrow, and I desperately just want to sleep.  I read something on social media this weekend from two ladies I hugely admire that made me feel like I am a terrible example as a woman and a selfish mom, and one look at this to-do list and mess around me leaves me thinking that assessment of myself is very possibly correct. 

Oh this mess...

And just as I finished telling (A) my list of shortcomings (a) took a piece of his dinner which I had taken 30 minutes of time and energy to lovingly prepare (mostly because I felt guilty for not cooking for the last several days and I am worried about gaining weight from our on-the-go eating…) and that ornery little boy threw the piece of food on the floor and announced “I throw it!”  I wanted to cry from the overwhelming feeling of not being enough. 

At that point (A) decided to tell (a) he was done eating and it was time for his bath.  Which was code for “let’s give Momma some time so she can deal with the things that are stressing her.”  As I finished my dinner in two minutes of peace I began to pray about what I was going to write tonight.  I felt far too drained and inadequate to share anything from my heart, so I began wracking my brain for something brief and simple that I could throw out when a still, small voice audibly reminded me “In ME, you are sooooo enough.”

That was a very powerful reminder that I desperately needed to hear tonight.  By myself, it is true, I am not enough.  I do not have it all together, I do not wear a cape, I cannot make it all happen, and I will not do everything right.  But through Christ, I can be enough. 

              “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV)

If I will focus on Him and who He is calling me to be, the other things will fall in place.  The house isn’t going to clean itself, and the papers aren’t magically going to be graded, but He will lead me to be the “enough” I need to be as a wife, mom, teacher, ministry team member, and friend.  And I have to learn to accept that as “enough” for me, because actually the verse in 2 Peter says what God provides is not just enough to get by… it says He has given us “EVERYTHING we need…”  What a gracious gift! 

One of my favorite Christian authors is Holley Gerth.  In her book You’re Already Amazing (Revell, 2012) she says this:

              “I think the enemy tricks us into believing we are not enough because he knows if we discover the truth, we’ll be unstoppable.” 

So now that my little self-pity party is over, I’m going to get some sleep, and tackle tomorrow with an unstoppable kind of enough, the “EVERYTHING” God’s divine power has graciously given me in Him.

From the Friendship of Children

One thing that has constantly amazed me as a parent is a child’s capacity to make friends at a very young age.  And when I say “make friends” I don’t just mean visit or flirt with anyone who talks to you (as it would seem my son has that down too)- but I mean genuinely get excited to see each other, share your food, hold hands to walk, laugh at each other kind of friends.  My (a) has a best friend (ax) who I always just assumed would be his “friend” because his parents are very close to us and we do lots of things together.  But as time has passed, and I have watched their little friendship grow, it always blows my mind and stretches my heart.  They are genuinely SO excited to spend time together.  A few weeks ago we were headed to their house and (a) just couldn’t get his act together (really!? You’re 18 months old son, it’s time to be responsible and get yourself ready to go places).  He couldn’t find his shoes and wouldn’t hold on to his sippy cup (ok, I couldn’t find the shoes, but that was because he had been playing with them).  Finally, I told him “I need you to get your shoes now so we can go to (ax)’s house!”  He immediately made the most hysterical face and started literally shaking with excitement.  He miraculously found his shoes and was ready to go within seconds of this news.  And his arrival was met with a reciprocal greeting.  The fun thing is, this was not an isolated incident.  It is the norm when he knows they are going to spend time together (and often involves a mad dash to the nursery on Sunday mornings to find his pal). 

They are also fabulous at sharing with each other.  Toys, giggles, food, germs, each other’s dogs, clothes, parents… they don’t mind to share.  Despite how it looks from the camera angle, there was absolutely no fight over this bag of chips, nor was there one over the red popsicle they had shared earlier in the evening.  They simply both feel like what’s mine is yours- including hugs and kisses or reassurance from each others' parents.  Ever since they were very small these two have willingly and lovingly been proud to share with each other.  Now don’t get me wrong, there are scuffles from time to time, but they are usually resolved with a hug and some love and a chance to try again. 

Since (ax) is 13 months older than (a) he has always been the protector in the friendship.  When (a) was first learning to walk (ax) was always so excited to hold his hand and help him or offer encouragement- it made my heart skip a beat so many sweet times.  And he is quick to remind him “no no” when (a) is getting into something he shouldn’t be.  There is no judgement between them, no unsettled anger, no drama, no one-upping, just pure innocent friendship.  And it often makes me think how much adults could learn from the friendships of small children.

*Do we genuinely get excited to see each other and spend time together? Or is friendship just a social obligation because of things we have in common.  True friends- the kind you want to hold on to with both hands- make you so excited to see them, whether it has been 6 weeks, 6 years, or 6 minutes since you were together.

*Sharing is caring.  Maybe it is your wardrobe, your apple pie recipe, your favorite lipstick, or your Friday night dinner plans- but real friendship means sharing our lives and our hearts.  All the way back in the Garden of Eden God said that it was not good for man to be alone, and I don’t think he just meant his eating would suffer (though I’m pretty sure that would be the case for my dad and my hubby).  We were created to live in community, to share in our joys and our struggles, to share laughs and concerns. 

              “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17

*Most scuffles can be resolved by a hug, and some love, and a chance to try again.  We are not perfect, we are human, and because of that it is inevitable that we won’t ALWAYS agree with our friends.  There may even be days when want to walk away and be done “playing” for a while.  But that doesn’t mean a good friendship is worth throwing away.  Extend some love, and find the chance to try again.

*Hold hands and encourage each other when one of you is likely to fall down or trying to learn to “walk.”  The world is full of enough mommy-judgement, social media qualified experts, negative third cousins twice removed, body shaming, opinion giving noise makers.  No more of any of those are needed… just hold hands and encourage each other.  Maybe her new venture is riskier than you would take, but you wish you were as brave as she is- tell her she is brave.  Maybe this leap of faith looks like a free fall with no parachute to her, but you think she will be a rock star- tell her she’s a rock star.  And maybe she will fall down, but if you are holding her hand she is less likely to skin her knees and more likely to try again.

              “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

                                           Ecc. 4:9-10

*Sometimes, someone has to be the protector and say “no, no” when one of you is trying to get in to something you shouldn’t.  For some of us that means a warning on touching that piece of cheesecake, or wearing those leggings with the giant print that make you look 1,300 lbs bigger.  But it also takes a lot of love as a friend to look at a life situation and say “hold on, this choice isn’t God’s best for you.”

              “As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

I’m so grateful God put some ladies in my life to be the kind of friends my son has in (ax)- {who I think learned by watching his sweet momma be that special kind of friend to me.} 

And most of all I’m grateful that God loves us enough to want us to have that extra special friendship with Him.  He wants us to share our joys and pains with him.  He loves us enough to give us a chance to try again when we fail Him.  He holds on tightly to us when it looks like we might fall and encourages us to “walk”- even walk on water.  And He loves us enough to tell us “No, don’t make that choice because I have a better plan for you.” Thank you, Lord, for your daily lessons on friendship.