He Makes Me Lie Down in Green Pastures

Psalm 23- while I don’t know any hard and fast statistics on it, I would guess it to be one of the most quoted passages of scripture.  I know it is one that I have know since childhood.  I will admit, sometimes for me the downfall of knowing certain scriptures so well is that I don’t always slow down and cling to them, I have a bad habit of letting the ones I know so well become more rote than real.  In the past week however, I have had the opportunity for part of Psalm 23 to become more alive to me than it has before.

 

Last Thursday I was not ready to admit it out loud, but I had reached a breaking point mentally, emotionally, and physically.  I was navigating a large amount of stress at school, doing everything for our boys while my (still totally healthy) husband was quarantined to our basement, and I was completely depleted.  I left a very stressful day at school to go straight to my OB for a routine checkup and ultrasound only to be stopped dead in my tracks.  He was pretty firm- I was dehydrated, the baby’s growth was slowing down, my blood pressure was too high, and he didn’t like the looks of my keytone levels.  I like my dr, he is a straight shooter who is pretty real with me, and he was blunt.  If I didn’t get some things off my plate, baby and I were going to be in trouble.  He ordered another whole work up of labs and tests for the next day and sent me home with now even more on my plate but the directive to get rid of some of the load- NOW.  I made it to the car before I was completely in tears and called (A) with all the updates from my appointment.  I had no idea how I was going to do it, but something had to give.

 

As I laid my head in bed that night, I reached for my devotional where I had been studying the word “STILL.” And exactly as I needed, the lesson focused on “embracing stillness.”  That is not something I have ever been good at.  I am on the go, looking toward my next responsibility, project, or to-do list, I am on the “high strung” side of life most of the time and I am not good at just relaxing and taking care of myself- actually those things are very low on my list of priorities.  I began praying and begging God to help me embrace stillness- it was extremely necessary for myself and our baby.  Over the next 24 hours I was blessed with help, plans for more help, and a clear pathway to finding some much needed rest.  While I felt like I was in a better place by Friday, my labs showed that I still had a ways to go in taking better care of myself and the baby, so Tuesday began the new adventure of twice weekly “non stress tests.”

 

While they had told me what to expect, I was still very nervous.  Nervous that all this meant the baby could come early, worried about all the extra cost involved in this testing, feeling like a failure that I hadn’t had these issues with my other two pregnancies- I was a basket case.  As I sat in the waiting room for my turn to be hooked up to the machines, I opened my Bible app on my phone looking for some peace and the stillness I had been praying so hard to focus on.  As I clicked to the devotion tab my next reading on stillness came from Psalm 23 “He makes me lie down in green pastures.”  That was never a verse that had hit me before, it just seemed to go along with the sheep references in the rest of the chapter.  But this week it took on a whole new perspective.  I’m not one who is easily “made” to do things, I’m often independent to a fault.  But this week I was literally made to lie down, to stop, to rest.  The author of the devotion talked about the green pastures of sitting in his back yard, but I couldn’t help to think of the fields at home on the farm.  Some of the most peaceful times I have ever spent were out in the pasture checking cows, admiring cows, watching my (a) learn to do the same. 

While I usually resist being MADE to do anything, I could immediately see the benefits and blessings that would come with being made to lie down in green pastures.  A chance to reflect, rest, and care for myself and the baby- the peacefulness of green pastures.  Being made to lie in green pastures was a way that God could still my anxious heart enough to give me PEACE, His kind of peace, and His kind of restorative rest that I desperately needed.  Being made to lie down in green pastures wasn't out of force or punishment, it was a chance to bless me, to care for me.

 

While I don’t know how these complications are going to play out, I’m learning to embrace stillness, find blessings in being made to rest in his green pastures, and seek His kind of rest that restores my soul AND my body.  May you also find a green pasture where you can rest your weary soul.

One Year Later

 One year.  My social media “memories” have been reminding me this week that it has been one year since our lives drastically changed.  March 17^th was the first day last year that I went to my classroom but no students were there.  We were sure it was just for a couple weeks and then they would be back.  Then as it became a reality that we wouldn’t be returning, rumors started of restrictions to the fall start of school and I doubted how that could ever be possible.  Before long, everything was changing. 

I snapped this photo on the way to school, EARLY the last morning my students were in-person for the '19-'20 school year.

My personal feelings and opinions on much of it are not important, but the reminders this week have made me reflective.  Ironically, as we pass over the anniversary of last year’s lock down, we are back to juggling a partial one at my house as well.  (A) is currently living in isolation in our basement due to a potential exposure (he feels completely fine and is already ½ way vaccinated- just required to follow the public health guidelines), and I have had some serious emotional meltdowns over the situation.  There are some very important things happening in our lives right now that he is missing, I’m in an extremely stressful time at school right now as we began state testing this week, physically managing both boys by myself at 8 months pregnant is proving extremely hard, and doggone it- my mental health has been taxed heavily.  I don’t tell you these things to throw a pity party, I know it could always be much worse and others are dealing with things far worse- just sharing my “real” struggles because it brought me to this….

 

Last night I laid awake longer than usual working through my feelings and praying about where my heart is.  The last year did still give me some precious blessings of time with my family, but it has stolen much of my passion and left me often just going through the motions of survival mode.  I’m tired of living in survival mode, and I miss my heart begin on fire.  Through tears I opened my daily devotional.  Since my word for 2021 is “STILL,” I have been working through devotions addressing this topic.  Last night’s brought me to a verse in Isaiah that I wasn’t overly familiar with,

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.  For the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are all who wait for him!” Isaiah 30:18

 

The comfort that poured over me was like a warm blanket.  God is STILL holding me in the palm of His hand.  No matter how weary my heart and body feel, He is gracious and compassionate to me.  As I prayed for renewed strength and passion, I felt hope that He has not forgotten me- He is STILL the same God who made this promise to His people thousands of years ago, and it STILL holds true for me today.  And I am holding tight to that promise- as I feed my kiddos pizza more days in a row than I want to admit, try to do all the right things for all my students, and pray for renewed physical strength and a heart on fire.  He is still the same God of Isaiah, He is still the same God of a year ago, and He is STILL sustaining me today.  And no matter what changes around me, I will take heart that those truths will NOT change.

Tell Me About Your Picture

 Over the past year, our (a) has become quite the little artist.  Now, I don’t mean he is going to be the next famous Renaissance painter or any kind of child prodigy- his skills are very equivalent with his age, BUT he loves making art.  Frequently he will choose to sit down with his crayons, colored pencils, and markers to make pictures or cards that he loves to share and give away.   I can already tell that gift giving is one of his love languages, and he is so proud to hand over that special piece of artwork.  Many years ago, in my college class about art for elementary teachers I learned an important piece of advice- don’t ever ask a child “What is this?” but instead ask “Tell me about your picture.”  The phrasing can often make a difference in the confidence they have in their work, and so I try very hard to do this whenever I am handed one of his masterpieces. 

 

As I enjoy these cute gestures, I have come to appreciate his descriptions even more.  Often when I look at them I simply see stick people (who have really big eyes right now), and I can usually find his name or the names of others he knows how to spell.  But when he starts telling me about his picture, a much more vivid story plays out.  And before long, I can usually see many more details and the picture comes to mean more to me.  This week he attended kindergarten round-up (how did THAT happen so quickly!?) and afterwards had to hangout in my classroom for another couple hours while I worked after school.  While I worked on lesson plans and videos for my two remote students, he used a pack of washable markers and some scrap paper to draw me a couple masterpieces.  When I was done working, he presented them to me and we went through our usual ritual of “Ohhh!! I love it! Tell me about your picture!”  He explained each stick person to me- they were each of us in his family, including some aunts, uncles, and a baby cousin (who he said with a giggle “looks kind of like a Lego person in my picture, but that’s ok”).  He went on to show me how he was riding his pony, Snoopy, and he didn’t have the color he wanted for Snoopy, so he just made his mane blue (said with a shrug as if the substitution had been no big deal for him).  He explained that his second picture was the American flag and his little brother was holding it.  Some of these little details I might have caught on my own if given a few minutes, but many of them I would have missed without the explanation (especially the part about his cousin looking like a Lego person). 

It made me think about how many times I just see what something appears to be at first sight, instead of understanding the whole picture or the explanation behind it.  I see the mess that is made without knowing what they were looking for or what game they were playing.  I see the unfinished dinner, but didn’t know about the snack Daddy grabbed them on the way home.  I think of times I am easily frustrated with others or run out of patience, when I don’t know the whole story.  And then there are times when hear the “bigger picture” or find out more details to the story, and my heart is broken by the reality of what I missed. 

 

As I strive to love and lead my littles, as I teach and nurture my students, as I work with and interact with others- may I always try to pause and understand more about the picture.  See more than just the first glance, understand more than my basic assumptions, and care enough to ask “tell me about it.”

 

“For we are God’s masterpiece.  He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10

Road Trippin'

 There’s nothing like a road trip to keep ya on your toes about life.  Recently, my younger sister and her husband welcomed a sweet baby boy to their home in Kansas.  This aunt couldn’t wait to meet the little cutie and my boys were beyond excited to have a new baby cousin, so I quickly decided a road trip was a must-do.  I realized (A) would not be able to join us since we would be gone over a Sunday, and at 31 weeks pregnant, a 12 hr round trip drive with a 5 and 1 year old might be hairy, so the boys and I were thrilled when my youngest sister, their “Kayda”, agreed to join us (of course she really went because she was dying to meet her newest nephew). 

 

(A) arrived at school on Friday afternoon with a car full of excited travelers to swap me out for his empty vehicle.  Before we even left the parking lot we had both excitement about discovering there were snack bags and devastation because the toy bag had been forgotten.  I had worked through my lunch break that day and the boys had slept through theirs, so we hit up a drive through about 20 minutes down the road for a late afternoon pick-me-up.  As Kayda was looking at the menu deciding what to order (a) piped up loudly from the backseat “Order Kayda a salad!”  At that point, she and I were trying so hard to suppress our laughter that we couldn’t manage to get the words out to order anything.  But I made a mental note that we have a lot of work to do when it comes to learning what to say or not say to build the confidence of the women around you- especially when they are already thin and gorgeous.

 

I hadn’t realized JUST how little traveling we had done in the last year or so until the excitement of a hotel kicked in.  EVERY hotel we passed along the interstate through St. Louis, Kansas City, and all of their suburbs, (a) wanted to know if THAT was our hotel.  No matter how many times we assured him we would let him know when we arrived, he still kept asking.  He has stayed in several, but it has been quite a while and Kayda and I shared a lot of giggles over their hotel excitement.  When we did arrive you would have thought that Hampton Inn was the most luxury hotel on the planet for all the awe and wonder over pushing elevator buttons, counting numbers to find our room, having a fridge and coffeemaker in our room, looking out the third floor windows at the parking lot and businesses across the street, eating hotel breakfast, and swimming in the indoor pool.  Looking at that adventure through the eyes of my little boys was a perspective check for me- things I so easily take for granted were beyond exciting for them.

Hotel breakfast and indoor swimming were BIG highlights of the trip for little guys

We shared a wonderful visit with my sister’s family, and of course the little guy we went to meet is even cuter in person than the pictures we have seen.  The boys were head over heels for him, and it was sweet when we arrived home that despite the excitement over all the hotel things, (a) was quick to tell his daddy that meeting baby (d) was the BEST part of our trip. 

 

The road trip reminded me of a few other things as well- toddlers are the messiest car seat eaters on the planet (go away COVID so we can fast food dine-in again), don’t forget the toy bag, listening to (b) sing to his chicken nuggets is hilarious (and a memory we will have to share to embarrass him as a teenager) always buy the 28 pack of beef sticks instead of the 14, playing I-spy while driving down the road is HARD, taking our Kayda along was the BEST idea ever, and NEVER take for granted one minute of the adventure of a family road trip.   

 

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.” Psalms 16:11

Stuck

 Oh winter in the Midwest.  It has been good to us the last few years and things have been quite mild.  The last two weeks that has not been the case.  Last week’s four-ish inches of snow and bitter cold was no fun, but we were still able to get in and out of the driveway at careful speeds for me to access high speed internet for e-learning and attend to dr appointments.  This week’s twelve-ish inches has been a different story.  Clearing a long, gravel driveway into the woods is not very feasible, and the part we have tried to clear up by the garage has a thick layer of ice underneath where last week’s snow was hard packed.  The combination has left us “stuck” in more ways than one.  While I have not ventured out, (A) has had to go to the office the last two days, and both days has found himself stuck in the driveway where I have been called to come man the wheel while he chops and digs at the ice underneath that is causing the problem.  I have felt rather “stuck” as once again I am teaching remotely WITH our sweet boys needing more attention than I have to go in all the directions I am needed (God bless that families that have been doing this for the last 11 months, you are rock stars!)  Stuck is a hard place to be!

 

In the last year, I feel like I have been “stuck” more times than usual.  Stuck at home, stuck in a food rut where I fix the same 5 meals, often “stuck” in my writing, and stuck in a set of circumstances that we can’t control.  Stuck is a hard place to be.  It wears on me mentally and emotionally.  (A) and I have often commented that while I feel like maybe I’m more hormonal this pregnancy, we are honestly quite sure it the much more immense amount of stress I am under this time around.  Due to COVID and snow, our family has been stuck in our home for the greater part of 2021 so far, and I can feel the ridiculous amount of toys and “to do” projects suffocating me.  Stuck wears on my physically too as the weather has made me less active than usual- which is normally an outlet for stress. 

 

But some of the “stuck” has made me giggle too.  (a) has given us some great one-liners throughout all this, especially after he got stuck in the snow the other day (which was well up past his knees) and announced “the snow is bigger than my legs!”  (b) has decided he is tired of being stuck in the high chair and has used the three-meals-a-day-at-home to insist on joining us at a seat around the “big table” instead of in his high chair pulled up beside us.  While we were stuck without power for 5 hours Tuesday morning they found grand adventure in us snuggling up by the fireplace and were completely and hilariously perplexed at the fact they couldn’t turn on the lights or tv and had no understanding of why they couldn’t open the fridge and stand looking for what they wanted to eat.  They weren’t upset by these things, just totally confused.  And their peanut gallery comments while the car has been stuck have made me giggle (though I’m not sure their daddy would agree with their criticisms of his work to get things moving!)

And here is the good news, we won’t be stuck forever.  The forecast for next week should bring on a thaw to get things moving.  I pulled up my recipe app last night and found something new and different for dinner (that was a hit!)  Stuck is a hard place to be, but I’m SO thankful we don’t have to stay there!

 

“Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to MOVE ON.”” Exodus 14:15

Peace in the Unplanned

 One of my strengths, and also weaknesses is that I am a planner.  I plan my school lessons a week ahead and get the copies made for the next week on Fridays.  I like to plan our family’s calendar so we know who is supposed to be where and when we are supposed to be there.  I try to plan meals and outfits ahead of time, and I especially like to plan for special occasions and holidays.  In many ways this is a strength, as it helps decrease stress, manage time, and coordinate the chaos that is our busy life.  In other ways it is a terrible weakness as re-grouping when plans change can be very stressful for me. 

 

This has been one of those weeks that was well planned out, and then totally changed 14 times.  While the winter weather has been pretty, it has turned my well-planned week into something totally different.  We were only in-person for school one day this week, so my copies will go to the scrap paper pile, I’m scrambling with the unknown to replan my students’ beloved Valentine party.  I realize some of my kiddos don’t have all the text books they would typically need, and doggone it, I didn’t get to wear my cute Valentine dress to school today.  My family had a hectic week of after-school appointments that we had been planning for, only to re-plan them factoring in extra time for the bad road conditions.  And as I sat last night planning my school work for today (Thursday and Friday are usually the days I spend my prep time planning and preparing for the next week) I realized I don’t even know how to plan as the weather forecast for next week is questionable at best as more snow and ice is predicted for our region. 

 

But then early this morning I sat snuggling a little guy in footie pajamas who woke up about 5:15.  As I cuddled with him I watched the light starting to peek into the sky, and I thought about all the blessings that have come from this week.  While a LOT of things were still accomplished, the pace at which they happened has been drastically different.  And God gently reminded me of my word for 2021, “STILL.”  This week I have actually had some time to be still, some time to do things I never would have done otherwise.  I rarely drop our boys off at daycare because it is the opposite direction of my school, but this week I was able to take them (cause face it, we learned during quarantine that remote teaching and having littles at home is NOT an amazing combination) and we had some pretty fun and adorable conversations on those slow, snowy drives.  Since our home internet consists of my phone hotspot and is little more than dial-up speed, I then have driven a few blocks from daycare to an amazing little coffee shop in our downtown where I can use their high speed internet and a quiet corner to accomplish hours and hours of productive school work while also enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and a breakfast sandwich- two things that would usually never have the chance to accompany my hectic day.  And by having the chance to work for hours daily without many of usual interruptions (classroom phone, meetings, remembering to post lunch count, etc), it is the first time in MONTHS I have actually felt like my head was somewhat above water on school work.  There really are some wonderful silver linings to the unplanned. 

 While I still don’t know what is going to happen for the beloved Valentine party (ya’ll- that is a BIG deal in elementary school), I don’t know if (a) will get to deliver treats to his church friends on Sunday, I don’t know what the weather holds for this next week, and I don’t know how to plan for those things, I’m learning to find some beautiful peace in the unplanned. 

 

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

What I Didn't Know I Didn't Know

 Five years ago this morning was also a Thursday.  We left the house very early, a bundle of nerves and excitement.  We each had a bag on our shoulder as we walked hand in hand into the hospital to have our first baby.  There were some things we knew that morning.  We knew our lives were about to change forever.  We knew we were having a little boy and we knew what we were going to name him.  We knew he was breech, so I would be having a c-section, which I knew would come with some recovery difficulties. 

 

There were also things we KNEW that we didn’t know.  We knew we didn’t know much about parenting, but knew we could learn as we went.  We knew that we didn’t know what he was going to look like, or that he would have 2 deep dimples that would melt our hearts in just a look.  We knew we didn’t know much about figuring out a sleep pattern with an infant, and we would be winging it as we went.

 

But what we really didn’t know, was what didn’t know.  I didn’t know that I didn’t know how my heart could so easily expand to love another.  I didn’t know that I didn’t know how much more I would appreciate my husband as I watched him care for us, and saw the fear on his face when my recovery complications were MUCH worse than we had ever anticipated. 

 

And as five years have flown past us, there have been so many more things that we didn’t know we didn’t know.  I didn’t know there would be SO many questions that I wouldn’t know how to answer.  I didn’t know that there would be so many times I wouldn’t know how to fix the toy or make the injury feel better.  I didn’t know there was so much I didn’t know about rodeo or super heroes.  I didn’t know that I wouldn’t know how to handle friendships that weren’t always the best influences or that I wouldn’t know how to help his broken heart when he was missing his friends who were the best influences and dearest supporters.  I didn’t know there would be so many times I would marvel at what he said or did, because I didn’t know he was capable of that task yet or had never heard him use that vocabulary before. 

 

In five years, there has been SO much that I didn’t know I didn’t know.  And that discovery has brought so much joy in parenting.  Every day is a new adventure.  Some days the adventure is exhausting and extremely challenging.  Some days it is the best ride ever.  I learn something new every day, and experience new moments I never want to forget. 

 

If I have learned anything by being a momma it’s this: there is so much I didn’t know I didn’t know- and those precious pearls of discovery are priceless gems.

 

Happy 5^th Birthday, (a)! Thank you for teaching me so much and helping me love bigger than I knew I was capable of. 

It Won't Last Long

 I think some days raising little ones is like surviving winter.  Winter is often harsh, challenging, and it seems like everything I want to do takes longer in the winter.  Cooking isn’t as fast because I don’t often brave the cold to use the grill, going outside is harder because you have to bundle up, the nights are LOOONNNGGG the days are short, and the cold and dark make my brain foggy. 

 

Having little ones is in the house can also be harsh (some of the things little boys can say to you are BRUTALLY honest), challenging, and EVERYTHING I want to do takes longer.  Though (a) is about to turn 5, he still has the difficult sleep pattern of a newborn- the kind where we are up every 1-2 hours with him- so the nights are LOOONNNGG, but the days are short, and all the chaos and noise often make my brain foggy.

 

But the other thing about winter is this… it doesn’t last long.  The beautiful snow that fell yesterday will be gone in a day or two, the days are already getting longer, and spring will be here soon changing many of the circumstances that are brought by winter. 

 

And as I look at the faces of my sweet littles, I realize the exact same thing… it won’t last long.  (a) has already decided he is too big to take a bath and wants to take his own shower every morning with “big kid” soap, brush his own teeth, gel his hair, use deodorant (which totally cracks me up, but we sure aren’t going to discourage good hygiene habits), and use “toothpicks” to clean his ears- all on his own.  (b) is learning a new word every day, and becomes more independent by the minute.  Like the snow on the ground, if I blink my eyes it will be over and everything will be changing. 

 

So this morning I will take just an extra minute to enjoy the beauty of the snow- it won’t last long.  And last night, despite the monumentous amount of work it took to get them bundled up in winter gear to go spend 30 minutes in the barn, I took an extra minute or two to just watch them play, giggle at the cuteness of being all bundled up like marshmallows, snap a quick picture or two, and take in their laughter and the moment… because it won’t last long. 

 

“Jesus said, ‘Let the little children coe to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’” Matthew 19:14

Quarantine Chronicles

 There is currently a small, toy children’s mop drying in the downstairs shower.  It is drying out because (b) decided yesterday he would dunk it in the toilet so he could mop the carpet in the basement living room.  Where was his momma while this was happening? Teaching math.  From the computer in my basement office. 

 

As is the case with MANY families I know, a COVID diagnosis landed us in lockdown and I was NOT prepared for the fact that it would take a much more difficult toll on my mental health than my physical health.  The home we love, with acres of land to enjoy, sits way back off the road in the woods… where no company can bring us internet that is any faster than the equivalent of dial-up.  For day to day emails and such it isn’t a big deal, but when it comes to working full time remotely it is a TOTALLY different ball game.  And so, we improvise.  My school is fully remote right now, so along with a live Google Meet daily I am also spending HOURS a day making instructional lesson videos… from my CAR in the school parking lot where I can access high speed internet.  It is working- but is definitely the most unconventional thing I have done in my whole career. 

 

From home, I can use my dial-up speed hotspot to access the things I need in my Google Suite for Education so I can check student work and post many of my daily assignments.  I have also found a way to film my math lessons from home so that all I have to do from the car is upload them.  While teaching remotely will NEVER be my preference, I feel like I mostly have figured out how to make it work.  What I do NOT have figured out is how to teach full time and “mom” full time from the same space. 

 

The mop incident was just one of many crazy adventures I was not prepared for. (a) is my HGTV watching buddy in the evenings, so he can quote nearly every commercial for cleaning products that are in our house.  And he has been breaking into the locked cleaning supply cabinet and emerging with products as he quotes all their benefits and uses while begging to use them.  He has used so much glass cleaner on our sliding doors that there is a film instead of a sparkle.  There are some sections of kitchen tile grout that are quite clean from magic erasers and he would like to go through every Swiffer mop pad in the house.  I think they are intentionally making messes on the carpet because he is just dying for an opportunity to use some rug cleaner.  He is also using the opportunity of my work distraction to raid the cabinets and refrigerator.  I’m sure they have consumed more junk food than I even knew was in the house, and seem to think our kitchen is an endless buffet.  In the meantime, (b) is dragging shoes from every closet and wearing them around the house and trying to jump rope with random cords he is unplugging from the wall.  And in my state of mom “survival mode” I have mostly just ignored, tried not to cry, and intervened only for safety issues. 

 

Quarantine with children is NOT for the faint of heart.  My hats off to all the families juggling work from home and remote learning- ya’ll are rock stars.  However, there have been some sweet moments where I have looked up and caught (a) reading to (b), found them eating cheese sticks and strawberries under a blanket in the sunshine, or (a) working hard to keep practicing writing his letters and working letter puzzles. 

Yes, we will survive (though I might emerge with a few more gray hairs than I started with).  (A) and I are officially free, and the boys only have a few days left.  We are thankful that our health situation was VERY mild, and we will be very thankful to put our Quarantine Chronicles as a humorous memory from the past instead of the stressful reality of the present.  Now I better go find out what that crash was in the hallway…

 

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” Psalms 54:4

Moving Forward

 I’m going to admit something for all the world to read… my husband is a wise man.  Wise in his study and wise in his counsel (and he is tired of listening to his wife worry and cry).  You see for the last several months, actually since about March, I have spent a lot of energy worrying over and fearing for our children’s future.  I follow current events and I understand history.  I have watching the venomous political climate from both sides of the aisle, the social unrest throughout the country, the way politics can sway economics so drastically, everyone has a firm belief on their science, their opinion, their truth,  and how all of this has pit friends and family hatefully against each other from behind the safety of a keyboard and social media platform. 

 

For months this has sent me reeling and feeling desperate about the world in which we are raising our children and fearful for their futures.  Last week on a particularly difficult day, my husband, in his wisdom, suggested I go back to the book of Nehemiah (he knows I’m an Old Testament junkie) and just re-read the account of what was happening.  He also reminded me that despite how I was feeling by watching current events, God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him.  If you are unfamiliar with the story of Nehemiah, here is the “Kristi’s notes version”- the walls of Jerusalem were in ruins and what had been God’s city was decimated.  His people were scattered in every direction as they had been conquered and it really looked like most hope was lost.  But Nehemiah (who was a layman and somewhat of a political figure- NOT the priest or prophet of the time) had on his heart to rebuild the city walls and bring glory to God.  And with some help from a faithful few, that is exactly what he did.  It came with a lot of opposition, some threats, and some people who thought he was crazy.  When the walls were finished the people gathered for a celebration, and Ezra, the spiritual leader, got out the book of God’s law and began reading it to the people.  When he did this they realized just how terribly far they had come from what God called them to be, and they were heartbroken and crying, and tearing their clothes.  But then “The Levites calmed all the people , saying, “Be STILL, for this is a holy day.  Do not grieve.” Nehemiah 8:11  And there it was… my breath caught in my throat as I read… BE STILL… my word for the year.  For this is a holy day, do not grieve.

 

Here I have been grieving for my children the simpler days of what the world was like when I was their age, and stressing about their futures, but that is not what I’m called to do.  Ezra went on to tell the people that it was true, they had messed up, but that wasn’t what mattered going forward.  They were working NOW to do the right thing, to restore God’s city and to reunite God’s people, they were working to NOW follow what God was calling them to do, and they should rejoice in that and in his word. 

 

And so, moving forward, I am determined to readjust my heart.  While I still may shake my head at the world around me or try to make wise decisions in regards to it- I am done grieving for my children, because honestly, there is more important work to be done.  The work of teaching them and raising them to love the Lord, to stand for His truth, and to be who He called them to be.  That instead of just worrying about the world around them, to be like Nehemiah and do something about it.  Reminding them it may not always be popular or easy, but God did not ever promise us popular or easy in life.  When I look into their sweet, ornery faces I will look with hope for the future instead of fear, and with the peace of knowing that God is faithful to those who are faithful to Him.  And in that peace… I am moving forward.

But STILL

 As the new year approached, I began to pray about what word God would like me to focus on this year.  This is something I have done for the past few years.  Some years it has been a very quick, audible answer.  The first year I took a word it wasn’t even something I was looking for, but something that God called me to do.  This year it took a little more time to determine what my word would be.  A few things bounced around before God made it clear… STILL.  My word for the year is STILL.

 

There were some Bible verses I immediately thought of when I heard the word STILL, but within those verses the word STILL means different things.  As a matter of fact, when I looked at the dictionary entry for the word STILL, I discovered it can be used as four different parts of speech- a noun, a verb, an adverb, and an adjective.  And within those 4 parts of speech there are at least six different meanings.  I must admit, that feels a little daunting, because as I look at the year ahead, I just have a feeling God is going to be teaching me about many of those different meanings and how they require me to depend on Him.

 

Yesterday evening was very emotional for me.  It was a hectic day at school as usual, followed by a teachers’ meeting as soon as the students left and then a couple more hours of work to get report cards printed, digital materials posted for my remote learning students, parent messages responded to, and supplies organized for the next morning.  I hadn’t been paying any attention to my phone or any sort of news source since my break at lunch many hours earlier.  As I prepared to leave my classroom for the night around 5:00, I picked up my phone off my desk only to find multiple news notifications about current events at the Capital Building.  Immediately, I could feel panic rising inside me.  I had been following some of the new developments out of the congress the last couple days and this last news was the final straw to tip me into full blown anxiety.  I found myself in tears of fear, frustration, and worry.  And in a gentle voice, God reminded me, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations.  I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10  While many people may not be acknowledging God’s sovereignty, it does not change the fact that he WILL be exalted, and my anxious heart needs to be STILL (adjective meaning) and trust Him.  In my still very emotional state (full disclosure- probably a combo of current events AND hormones) I began texting my mom about what was going on.  As a part of her response she noted that no matter what, “God is STILL on the throne.”  There it was again… STILL  (adverb meaning). 

The beach has always been one of my favorite places to be STILL.

 I don’t even want to pretend I know what this year is going to bring to our lives.  I know there will be days as I mom that I need to STILL myself (verb meaning) from all the distractions and just focus on my little ones.  I know there will be times I will wonder how long teaching will STILL involve restrictions.  And I know it will take a lot of practice for me to be STILL and let God lead- because I usually am a person who wants to quickly jump to ACTION.  But despite whatever this year brings, He will STILL be Lord of my life.  He will STILL be exalted.  He will STILL hold me in the palm of His hand.  And I will STILL trust Him for each step of the way, because even STILL He is faithful. 

 

I look forward to sharing with you this year all the things I am STILL learning.  #beSTILL #butSTILL