Not Just Enough

As I flopped down in my chair tonight to eat dinner (A) asked what was wrong.  I started to tell him “nothing” but knew he would read right through that, so I admitted… it’s that age old female dilemma… I’m not Wonder Woman. 

So I began to tell him what’s “wrong”… One look around my house right now is enough to bury my head in the sand.  There is laundry waiting to be done, laundry needing to be folded, a stack of Mega Blocks and tractors knee deep in the corner of living room but strewn corner to corner, a pile of dishes in the sink, and those stupid fruit flies coming from my broken garbage disposal (of course the dumb thing would quit in the middle of grinding week old coleslaw- which is impossible to completely remove from the bottom of said broken disposal).  I have papers to grade, parents to respond to, a Google Classroom that needs my attention, and lesson plans to be tweaked for later in the week.  I need to get in a few more intense trainings for a run we are doing this weekend, there are plans to be created and put in place for a new ministry position I am taking on next Sunday, I have a blog to write for tomorrow, and I desperately just want to sleep.  I read something on social media this weekend from two ladies I hugely admire that made me feel like I am a terrible example as a woman and a selfish mom, and one look at this to-do list and mess around me leaves me thinking that assessment of myself is very possibly correct. 

Oh this mess...

And just as I finished telling (A) my list of shortcomings (a) took a piece of his dinner which I had taken 30 minutes of time and energy to lovingly prepare (mostly because I felt guilty for not cooking for the last several days and I am worried about gaining weight from our on-the-go eating…) and that ornery little boy threw the piece of food on the floor and announced “I throw it!”  I wanted to cry from the overwhelming feeling of not being enough. 

At that point (A) decided to tell (a) he was done eating and it was time for his bath.  Which was code for “let’s give Momma some time so she can deal with the things that are stressing her.”  As I finished my dinner in two minutes of peace I began to pray about what I was going to write tonight.  I felt far too drained and inadequate to share anything from my heart, so I began wracking my brain for something brief and simple that I could throw out when a still, small voice audibly reminded me “In ME, you are sooooo enough.”

That was a very powerful reminder that I desperately needed to hear tonight.  By myself, it is true, I am not enough.  I do not have it all together, I do not wear a cape, I cannot make it all happen, and I will not do everything right.  But through Christ, I can be enough. 

              “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3 (NIV)

If I will focus on Him and who He is calling me to be, the other things will fall in place.  The house isn’t going to clean itself, and the papers aren’t magically going to be graded, but He will lead me to be the “enough” I need to be as a wife, mom, teacher, ministry team member, and friend.  And I have to learn to accept that as “enough” for me, because actually the verse in 2 Peter says what God provides is not just enough to get by… it says He has given us “EVERYTHING we need…”  What a gracious gift! 

One of my favorite Christian authors is Holley Gerth.  In her book You’re Already Amazing (Revell, 2012) she says this:

              “I think the enemy tricks us into believing we are not enough because he knows if we discover the truth, we’ll be unstoppable.” 

So now that my little self-pity party is over, I’m going to get some sleep, and tackle tomorrow with an unstoppable kind of enough, the “EVERYTHING” God’s divine power has graciously given me in Him.

From the Friendship of Children

One thing that has constantly amazed me as a parent is a child’s capacity to make friends at a very young age.  And when I say “make friends” I don’t just mean visit or flirt with anyone who talks to you (as it would seem my son has that down too)- but I mean genuinely get excited to see each other, share your food, hold hands to walk, laugh at each other kind of friends.  My (a) has a best friend (ax) who I always just assumed would be his “friend” because his parents are very close to us and we do lots of things together.  But as time has passed, and I have watched their little friendship grow, it always blows my mind and stretches my heart.  They are genuinely SO excited to spend time together.  A few weeks ago we were headed to their house and (a) just couldn’t get his act together (really!? You’re 18 months old son, it’s time to be responsible and get yourself ready to go places).  He couldn’t find his shoes and wouldn’t hold on to his sippy cup (ok, I couldn’t find the shoes, but that was because he had been playing with them).  Finally, I told him “I need you to get your shoes now so we can go to (ax)’s house!”  He immediately made the most hysterical face and started literally shaking with excitement.  He miraculously found his shoes and was ready to go within seconds of this news.  And his arrival was met with a reciprocal greeting.  The fun thing is, this was not an isolated incident.  It is the norm when he knows they are going to spend time together (and often involves a mad dash to the nursery on Sunday mornings to find his pal). 

They are also fabulous at sharing with each other.  Toys, giggles, food, germs, each other’s dogs, clothes, parents… they don’t mind to share.  Despite how it looks from the camera angle, there was absolutely no fight over this bag of chips, nor was there one over the red popsicle they had shared earlier in the evening.  They simply both feel like what’s mine is yours- including hugs and kisses or reassurance from each others' parents.  Ever since they were very small these two have willingly and lovingly been proud to share with each other.  Now don’t get me wrong, there are scuffles from time to time, but they are usually resolved with a hug and some love and a chance to try again. 

Since (ax) is 13 months older than (a) he has always been the protector in the friendship.  When (a) was first learning to walk (ax) was always so excited to hold his hand and help him or offer encouragement- it made my heart skip a beat so many sweet times.  And he is quick to remind him “no no” when (a) is getting into something he shouldn’t be.  There is no judgement between them, no unsettled anger, no drama, no one-upping, just pure innocent friendship.  And it often makes me think how much adults could learn from the friendships of small children.

*Do we genuinely get excited to see each other and spend time together? Or is friendship just a social obligation because of things we have in common.  True friends- the kind you want to hold on to with both hands- make you so excited to see them, whether it has been 6 weeks, 6 years, or 6 minutes since you were together.

*Sharing is caring.  Maybe it is your wardrobe, your apple pie recipe, your favorite lipstick, or your Friday night dinner plans- but real friendship means sharing our lives and our hearts.  All the way back in the Garden of Eden God said that it was not good for man to be alone, and I don’t think he just meant his eating would suffer (though I’m pretty sure that would be the case for my dad and my hubby).  We were created to live in community, to share in our joys and our struggles, to share laughs and concerns. 

              “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Proverbs 17:17

*Most scuffles can be resolved by a hug, and some love, and a chance to try again.  We are not perfect, we are human, and because of that it is inevitable that we won’t ALWAYS agree with our friends.  There may even be days when want to walk away and be done “playing” for a while.  But that doesn’t mean a good friendship is worth throwing away.  Extend some love, and find the chance to try again.

*Hold hands and encourage each other when one of you is likely to fall down or trying to learn to “walk.”  The world is full of enough mommy-judgement, social media qualified experts, negative third cousins twice removed, body shaming, opinion giving noise makers.  No more of any of those are needed… just hold hands and encourage each other.  Maybe her new venture is riskier than you would take, but you wish you were as brave as she is- tell her she is brave.  Maybe this leap of faith looks like a free fall with no parachute to her, but you think she will be a rock star- tell her she’s a rock star.  And maybe she will fall down, but if you are holding her hand she is less likely to skin her knees and more likely to try again.

              “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.  But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

                                           Ecc. 4:9-10

*Sometimes, someone has to be the protector and say “no, no” when one of you is trying to get in to something you shouldn’t.  For some of us that means a warning on touching that piece of cheesecake, or wearing those leggings with the giant print that make you look 1,300 lbs bigger.  But it also takes a lot of love as a friend to look at a life situation and say “hold on, this choice isn’t God’s best for you.”

              “As iron sharpens iron, so one friend sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

I’m so grateful God put some ladies in my life to be the kind of friends my son has in (ax)- {who I think learned by watching his sweet momma be that special kind of friend to me.} 

And most of all I’m grateful that God loves us enough to want us to have that extra special friendship with Him.  He wants us to share our joys and pains with him.  He loves us enough to give us a chance to try again when we fail Him.  He holds on tightly to us when it looks like we might fall and encourages us to “walk”- even walk on water.  And He loves us enough to tell us “No, don’t make that choice because I have a better plan for you.” Thank you, Lord, for your daily lessons on friendship.  

Uh-Oh Moments

I’m just gonna say it… parenting a toddler is not for the faint of heart.  This weekend my hubby was feeling pretty under the weather, so I was toddler wrangling mostly on my own while still attempting to get some school work done.  By 9 am on Saturday he had already written all over my school papers in ink pen, eaten parts of 3 Roma tomatoes as if they were apples leaving a trail of tomato seeds, juice, and the 3 partial eaten tomatoes all over my kitchen, drug out every pair of shoes he owns (even 3 pair that no longer fit), refused to sit in his high chair so he could sit in a “big chair” at the kitchen table, and thrown 5 balls behind the couch where I could not reach them.  By noon everything he could get his hands on was either eaten or destroyed. 

I promise I was supervising! Toddler is NOT an accurate term for an 18 month old…sneaky (hungry) speedy ninja is a far better description.  This was also about the time he insisted he stand in his kitchen chair (which he knows is NOT ok).  I reminded him twice to sit and the third time decided to use my “mom voice.”  When he still wouldn’t sit I counted “One, Two…” and then he finished for me by announcing “Three!!”  At this point I looked over at (A) who was all puny in his chair and I heaved a big sigh.  He chimed in that I should be proud of the counting skills.  That was NOT helpful.  I was beginning to recite Psalm 127:3 over and over to myself “Children are a gift from the Lord.  They are a reward from Him.”  The ninja seemed to think all this was hilarious.

I finally decided to give up on my school work to-do list and give in to his begging to go “outside!”  I changed him in to his play clothes and we headed out.  Upon going outside where he said he wanted to be, he was determined to play INSIDE the garage (I have NO CLUE where he became so sure of what he wants or stubborn about it *cough, cough*).  In the garage, he found the remnants of a bag of charcoal which was nothing more than dust… filthy black dust that he proceeded to COMPLETELY cover himself in.    When he was done playing outside I put him straight into the tub for the sake of my carpet and light- colored furniture (honestly… what were we thinking when we bought those colors 10 years ago!?).  I decided after bath time that we were going to spend some quality bonding time together… also known as… Mommy-straps-ninja-in-the-stroller-where-he-can-be-contained-while-she-relieves-stress-by-runnning. 

Fast forward to Sunday morning.  I am still feeling some frustration from the messes and destruction from the previous day, (A) is still not quite healthy enough to be helpful (and has to get to early church service anyway), and I am already formulating a plan to call in reinforcements for the afternoon.  But lucky for me, the ninja decided to sleep in long enough for me to get a hot shower in peace and begin the process of getting ready for church.  However, when he awoke he was back in full form and ready for mischief.  He was very cooperative about getting breakfast and letting me get him ready for church, so I made the mistake of letting my guard down for 30 seconds while I started to straighten my hair.  At this point in the story I should also share that he has a particular affinity for playing in a short, round, porcelain “water-table” with a lid on it.  I heard the sound of “kerplunk, splash” followed by the dreaded words “UH OH, Mommy! Uh oh!”  I looked over to see him holding open the lid to the toilet while he pointed inside and continued to say “Uh on, Mommy! Uh oh!”  I looked in to see my husband’s glasses in the toilet water (which lucky for him was actually quite clean as I had just squirted in some toilet bowl cleaner and was letting it soak for a few minutes!) 

I was so frustrated and asked “What is the rule about playing in the toilet!!??” to which (a) answered “No, no, no!” I told him that was right and proceeded to ask (with a groan) “Then why do you continue to do it!!???”  My sweet boy just looked up at me, again said “Uh oh, Mommy”, pulled on my hand indicating me to fix the situation, and smiled up at me like he just knew I had the solution for the problem he had created.  And because his smile was so sweet, and he was SO convinced that I could fix the mess… I melted, forgave all the stress and frustration he had caused me throughout the weekend,  got a plastic glove, and retrieved the glasses from the toilet.  I told him he HAD to stay away from the toilet, but it was all going to be ok. 

And later in the day as I relayed the story to my husband of (a) pointing at the mistake and his “Uh oh, Mommy” it hit me… How often I make mistakes that create “toilet situations” and “Uh oh” moments in my life.  And while I do not deserve any help because in my humanity I mess up over and over and God should feel frustration and anger towards me, instead when I go to him seeking His forgiveness and help to clean up the situation He looks on me with love, pulls me in His arms, and forgives my “Uh oh” messes.  It is incredibly humbling to be so loved.  I do not deserve that love or forgiveness, but He gives it freely when I ask.  I’m so thankful that He pulls me out of the toilet, and keeps loving me anyway, despite my “Uh oh” moments. 

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

                                           Romans 5:8(NIV)

A Back to School Reminder

Back to school… if you are a parent or a student back to school hits you one of two ways-  you are either very excited or very sad.  Excited to begin a new year, sit in a new classroom, have new clothes and supplies (I mean seriously, there is just SOMETHING magical about the smell of a new box of crayons!), make new friends, excited to have your kids out of your hair or have your routine back… or sad to see summer leaving, sad to go back to early bed times, and early alarms, sad for your kids to be out of your house for 8 hours a day, sad to see them growing up so fast and moving on to a new grade, sad to see all the money leave your bank account for new supplies and new clothes…. Parents and students have one of those two feelings about going back to school. 

As a teacher however, I have a different feeling.  For me each new school year brings with it a humbling honor and responsibility- the chance to place my heartprint on a new set of little lives.  I feel the immense amount of trust that parents place on me by sending me their greatest treasures each day.  It is my responsibility to help them learn and grow and feel safe and loved and important from 7:50 each morning until 3:20 each afternoon.  I realize that for many families, I spend more waking hours with their children Monday-Friday than their own parents, and that is something I do NOT take lightly. 

These desks await 22 students who will walk in to my classroom ready to start their first day of 3^rd grade on Tuesday morning.  This classroom- where they will spend approximately 37 ½ hours of each week (give or take some recess time) for the next 10 months.  Before I closed my door for the last time tonight I prayed over each desk individually and for each child, by name, who will sit there during this new school year.

My job for the next 180 school days will be to instruct my students in math, reading, writing, science, social studies, how to get along with others, how to be responsible, how to keep track of a pencil, how to use their new laptop correctly, how to call for help when even the teacher doesn’t know how to use the new laptop correctly, how to solve the problem of what to do when someone “cuts” you in the lunch line, how to take a deep breath before you begin a standardized test, how to tell yourself “I can do this- I’m a problem solver,” how to push the button to come in from recess when you forgot to pee before going out, how to politely ignore the kid who picks his nose beside you, how to praise each other to success, how to graciously handle defeat, and so many other things.  And the parts of the job my students will not see me do is stress over data, spend hours on plans, spend my own money for classroom items, wipe my tears when I see them struggle and I don’t know what to try next, or lay awake concerned over what is happening in the “tough” homes.  And I am not unique to this role, it is the same thing my colleagues will do throughout my building, school district, and across our country. 

                              (This little reminder hangs between my light switch and door frame for me to see each day.)                

I don’t tell you any of this so you will think anything special of me, but I share my story of how I do my job so I can also share what God taught me about this job a few years ago.  There was a time I was incredibly frustrated with my work in the schools, I was upset with favoritism/drama, I felt insignificant, and I was ready to give up on doing my best.  Then God led me to a verse in 1 Corinthians. 

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.  Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

                                                                         1 Corinthians 15:58 (NIV)

I realized that whether I was a librarian, or a teacher, or a lawyer, or a trash collector, or a nurse, or an IRS agent, or a farmer, or a politician, or a stay at home mom, or a greeter at the Stuff*Mart- if God had called me to this work I was to give myself fully to that job, because it wasn’t about me, or even the specific job I was doing, it was about living out HIS purpose for me in that place, and that labor would not be in vain.  And I cling to that verse every day.  On the hard days it keeps me going, and on the days where I feel proud of myself it humbles me to remember it is for His glory, not mine.     And my prayer for you this week is that no matter WHAT you are doing, you will stand firm, and give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, wherever he has assigned you. 

“Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them.  This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.”

                                                                            1 Corinthians 7:17 (NIV)

And in the meantime, if you think of it, I would appreciate your prayers for this place… I’ll be there fighting with new laptops, digging in desks for lost papers, praying I don’t bring home head lice or bedbugs, and humbly lovin’ my heart out on 22 other families’ greatest blessings.

Time: The Blessing Not the Curse

Time…. I recently saw a video of Mary Kay Ash, the founder of Mary Kay Inc, describe time as a daily bank account deposit of $86,400.  She asked what you would do if you had an account where $86,400 was deposited daily, but none of it could roll over from day to day.  How would you spend it? And how would you feel about whatever was lost because it hadn’t been spent by the end of the day?  Her words really made me think. You see, 86,400 is the number of seconds we have in each 24-hour day.

This week is my last week home for the summer before school starts.  Right now, I am “Summer Kristi.”  For several years that is how we have jokingly referred to the chic who shows up in my life at the end of May who cooks more often, cleans our home more often, laughs more, and has a decreased level of stress.  I love teaching and I love where I teach, but that concept of time seems even more precious to me this week.  Actually, it has seemed a little more precious to me all summer.  I’ll admit- I have often viewed time more as a curse than a blessing.  That is because usually I am running late for something!  I get frustrated at how quickly time slips away or how there is never enough of it. 

But this summer, I have spent a huge chunk of my time with a toddler.  A toddler who seems to be growing quickly, exclaiming new phrases every day, learning a new trick each week, running more, snuggling less, and becoming less dependent on his momma each day.  At the beginning of the summer I could see just how quickly he was changing, and I made a promise to myself that I was going to soak up as much of it as I possibly could.  I decided I would be much more mindful of how many hours I mindlessly lost on social media, or in front of the TV and instead I would focus on playing ball, walking around our yard discovering things, climbing up and down our deck steps 7,392 times a day, pulling a red wagon, splashing in the pool, reading books that I could recite from memory, snuggling at nap times, and giggling through meals.  I even spent some time just sitting quietly watching… marveling at the little personality he has, how he interacts, and how his mind works. 

 I cannot say that I been a master of this plan all summer- some days I have really stunk at it.  Some days I have become frustrated at his level of “busy,” some days he just makes me flat exhausted, some days I still had TONS of things to accomplish and reverted to feeling like time was a curse.  However, this summer of watching my time has truly reminded me of what a blessing TIME is.  We can’t buy time back, but we can give it to others freely.  Time is a gift, but we have to choose to accept it.  Time doesn’t cost us anything, but it is more precious than diamonds. 

As I step back in to my classroom on Friday, my prayer is that I will remember how precious time is.  That I will use my work time wisely, that I will use the time with my students to give them my best each day, that I will make the most of my time in the evenings with my family, that I won’t give up on my time with God when I am exhausted, and that I will use every one of the 86,400 seconds He gives me each day to be grateful for this life He allows me to live. 

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens;”

                                                                        Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV)