It's Not Working!

We are learning that with a 2-year-old in the house, you never know what you are going to hear about from day to day.  But there are also phrases that you can almost guarantee you are going to hear daily as well!  Currently one of the most common phrases in our home is “It’s not working!!”  Need help opening string cheese? “It’s not working!”  Get your arm stuck in your sleeve? “It’s not working!”  Trying to make your toy car go up hill without any effort? “It’s not working!” Lock preventing you from opening the door? “It’s not working!!”  Talking on a pretend phone to someone for 10 minutes, then realize they are not answering you back? “It’s not working!!” (Ok, that one was hilarious!!)

Occasionally (as with the phone) it’s true, it’s really not working… but many other times this is the “go to” phrase that (a) uses when things require a little effort on his part, or he really needs help from someone else.  Sometimes I find my self even a little frustrated with him when he tells me “It’s not working” because I can see that he just needs to be willing to put in the effort, or MOST OFTEN he just needs to be PATIENT and wait on my help.

Getting the car he loves to go uphill has been the source of "It's not working!" several times lately.

As frustrated as it makes me, when I sit back and think about it, I have to wonder if this is how God sees me sometimes.  I’ve had a lot of “It’s not working!” moments myself lately.  I discovered some very important paperwork we needed was in storage (along with everything else in our life!) and there was no possible way for me to get to it.  My first response was to cry.  Then I called (A) who graciously reminded me of a back up plan that worked perfectly.  Plans got switched around in the middle of a hectic evening, I was totally frustrated and in tears… take a deep breath, re-group, ask for help-  it’s taken care of.  Sometimes I am just not patient enough, or I just need to put in a little more “trust effort” or take one more step, but instead of doing that I am melting down that “it’s not working!”

There are several pieces to our life that haven’t fallen in to place yet in the transition of this move.  I’m really struggling with those pieces.  Some of them are big pieces, others are small.  Part of the struggle is from pieces that were working REALLY well before our move, and now they don’t work at all and I’m wrestling a lot with that.  Some of the pieces haven’t been working for nearly a year, or haven’t been working very well, and my heart is still healing so I know deep down that I just need to be patient.  Some of the pieces are just a part of it (2 year old separation anxiety, learning all the one way streets, figuring out where our stuff is, finding locations around town) and I am just going to have to put in the effort to get through those pieces.  But I can’t lie- when I take a look at all these pieces, I just want to look up at God and tell him “It isn’t working!!”  So when that happens, I try to remind myself what I say to (a), “Do you need me to help you?”  And I realize that when I feel like “It isn’t working!!” what I should be saying is, “God, I need your help!”  Instead of trying to figure out things that are bigger than me, I need to ask the one bigger than me to help me navigate it.  And then I need to patiently wait. 

Both of those things are hard for me… I’m a pretty independent girl (hmmm… wonder where that 2-year-old gets it!?) I don’t like to ask for help, and when I am ready to move to action I don’t want to wait- I want to do it now.  But I also know that when I hear “It’s not working!!,” often it really is something (a) can’t do on his own yet and he HAS to have help, and there are many times that I can’t get to it immediately, or I even have him wait just a little bit because I am trying to teach him a lesson in patience.  How often in my own “It’s not working!” moments does God need me to realize that I really can’t do it on my own? I have to be willing to ask for His help.  Or maybe, I just need a lesson in patience.  I’m so grateful for His patience with me as I’m navigating these lessons, and His help that I know will eventually come when I’m willing to ask.

“But I cry to you for help, Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you.” Psalm 88:13

“We wait in hope for the Lord, he is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20

The Song Remembers When

There’s a song by Trisha Yearwood from the early 90’s entitled “The Song Remembers When.”  As a kid who grew up listening to country music, I always liked that song but I really didn’t understand what it meant for a song to remember.  As the years have passed though, I have come to understand exactly what she meant.  I have always been a fairly musical girl, and music seems to find a way to speak deep into my heart.  Because of that, there are many times that just the first few chords of a song can take me back a special place in time, or to a memory forever frozen to me by the music that marked it.

Yesterday, I was visiting with a friend who shared that she had been at a family reunion over the weekend where her 92 year old, great-aunt brought her guitar and lead hymn singing.  Her story made (A) and I exchange a knowing smile, because he knew that would take me back to Beulah Land.  I was very close to my great-grandmother for the first 13 years of my life, and music was one of our special connections.  She and I would sit in at the piano and sing for hours together, even if no one else joined us.  The last Thanksgiving that she was living she was also 92, and the two of us spent the entire afternoon in at the piano.  There were all kinds of card games going on around us, the TV was on, my younger cousins were playing, some of the men were visiting… but she and I sat at the piano.  And as she played, I sang.  Her song of choice that day was “Dwelling in Beulah Land.”  After the first time through, she reached her frail hand over to mine and said “That’s pretty, let’s do it again!”  And so we did- over and over that afternoon.  After a few time some of the card players even joined in with the “Praise God!” line from the chorus, and I’m sure everyone wished we would turn the page and move on to a new song.  But little did we know that in a couple of months, she herself would be Dwelling in Beulah Land and that memory would forever be held close in my heart.  And anytime I hear that song, I remember when. 

Grandma encouraged me for the years that I took piano lessons (not keeping up with that is one of my greatest regrets in life), and I even learned to play the hymn “Trust and Obey” out of the hymnal for her.  I still remember how proud she was of me the day I came to play it for her, and anytime the piano plays the intro to that… the song remembers when.

There are many other songs that mark times or people in my life-  “Blessed Assurance” takes me to a beloved friend and mentor, Casting Crowns’ “Praise You in this Storm” takes me back to a rough patch we walked through, Meredith Andrews’s “Not for a Moment” will always mark our family’s hardest Sunday morning, and Chris Tomlin’s “I Will Rise” brings back the weekend of a friend’s funeral.  Other times, the song remembers when there was laughter or brings back whole eras of jr high girl slumber parties or high school dances, show choir favorites, and church camp campfires. 

It is no wonder there are so many verses in the Bible about praising God with music- for me at least, it is the best way to remember what He has done for me.  Each time the song remembers when… I am reminded of how He has carried me or shown his faithfulness, what He was teaching me, or whispering to my heart. 

As a new chapter begins in my life, I know it will soon be marked by a song (or a couple, actually) that will bring me back to this beginning.  And I will think about the certainty of God, even when I feel uncertain, the nearness of His friendship, even when I feel so far away from my friends, the promises of His guidance, even when I don’t know where I’m going… and the song will remember when.

“My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music….I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples.  For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.” Psalm 57:7, 9-10

Change

I have often heard it said that the only constant in life is change.  Change has been on my mind a lot lately, because frankly the only thing in my life that ISN’T changing right now is who I’m married to and that silly little boy we are raising (and honestly he changes every day too!)  I’ve filled out “change of address” forms and we’ve changed over most of our banking- both of which stress me out and make me worry that I have forgotten something important.  Since I know we will be changing doctors and insurances I’ve been running around making sure everyone in our family (2 legged and 4 legged) have their check-up and prescription refills.  Even the time zone we live in is changing, so I am trying to get used to the right times to get ahold of people.

Change can be hard for me, I will admit that.  Shoot, I don’t want to change the wall colors in my house… so since I am changing houses I have even taken pictures of the specific numbers off the tops of my paint cans so the paint store can re-make me the exact same colors.  (Yeah… I’m not even joking about that.) 

But I also know that sometimes change can be good, sometimes change is necessary for growth.  On top of all our life changes, we are trying to change (a)’s habits too- that kid may look cute sucking his thumb, but he is going to cost us a fortune in braces if he doesn’t kick that thing to the curb quickly.  We are trying to convince him that he should change from his thumb to snuggling a toy instead.  Some days that works… others not so much.  On Sunday evening as we were making the drive back from Illinois, he was tired of the long ride and super angry with me that I would not let him get out of his car seat and sit up front beside me.  I told him that wasn’t safe and wasn’t happening.  He promptly stuck his thumb in his mouth in rebellion towards my decision, and then took it out long enough to announce (with attitude) “And I NOT going to take my fum out of my mouf!” Yep… sometimes change needs to happen.

As I was packing last week I found a picture of (A) standing by the marquee of the church where he had his first preaching ministry.  It was a little church in southern Kentucky and he just drove down on the weekends to preach.  When I was home from Purdue on breaks I was able to go down with him.  It was a tiny congregation, but they were wonderfully sweet.  I smiled as I looked at the picture and thought back.  He was 20, still figuring out his preaching style, learning leadership qualities, and the weekends I got to go with him we spent the long drive dreaming about what our life might someday be like.  I snapped the picture as they used the sign to welcome him in his first couple weeks there.  The label on the back of the picture told me that it was taken 15 years ago.  Not much time really, but so much has changed. 

This past Sunday the marquee at our new church was used again to welcome him in his first couple weeks there, so I begged him to let me snap a picture to replicate the first one.  As I looked at them side by side so much change was evident to me.  First of all, I will say I think the man looks more handsome with age 😉, but I also see how much he has grown as a minister and a man.  His speaking has become better with time, his leadership skills have grown, the congregation where he serves is larger and therefore requires a larger skill set than he started out with.  The names on that board changed as we now do ministry as a family, and it is no longer just a weekend gig, but our full time life.  However, amid all those changes, some things still stay the same- the important things.  What hasn’t changed is his heart for God’s people, his energetic enthusiasm, his willingness to do what needs to be done, and his faithful following of God’s call on his life. 

Change is hard… but the important things stay the same.  Most of my life is changing, but the people I love are still in it (maybe in different ways, or at aa different distance- but they are still there), our location is changing, but God is still allowing us- calling us, to use our gifts and talents for Him, and most of all, while all of life around me is changing… God is NOT.  He is the same today that He was on September 8^th, He is the same today as He was in 2007, He is the same today as he was 15 years ago, and the same that He will be 15 years from now.  That is such a reassuring promise to me.  His love for me does not change, His faithfulness does not change, His provision does not change, His ultimate plans for me do not change.  While change is hard, I’m SO very grateful that the MOST important thing stays the same.   

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8

"The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever." Isaiah 40:8

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17

In the meantime… please hang with me as change hits One Life Out Loud too haha- time zone changes make Tuesday a.m. publishing time change just slightly and internet service changes may slightly affect the blog and blog Facebook page too for the short period of time we are homeless.  Much love!!

Rest in Me

Sometimes I really wish I could figure out how to be in two places at once.  I’ve felt this way many times before, but especially the last few weeks.  I need to be in Indiana finishing the packing of that house… our days there are VERY numbered.  I need to be in Illinois working on the house hunting process there.  I am still dealing with insurance issues from our little car incident a couple weeks ago, so I need to be on the phone with those calls, but I also need to be on the computer doing my continual checks for new teaching job postings. 

I have always been one to burn the candle at both ends, but I have been feeling it catch up to me lately.  I am finding myself exhausted, stressed out, frustrated, battling sadness, and trying to process an overwhelming amount of emotions at once.  It kind of all came to a breaking point one afternoon late last week.  I felt like I simply could not accomplish all that was on my plate, plus be a good mommy.  I was again battling insurance/rental car issues from the accident, my “to do” list was two pages long, and I was completely emotionally spent dealing with real estate questions/situations.  When (a) asked to “snuggle wif Momma” at his nap time I gave in to my exhaustion and laid down with him, though I struggled to really rest because I kept waking up with the guilt that… he is sleeping, I should be accomplishing something!!  About the time I decided I could no longer take the guilt and I wiggled out from under my sleeping toddler, my mom (who lives west of us) texted to let me know a huge storm had just come through and was headed our way.  And within 10 minutes, the day which had been sunny and beautiful, was black and pouring and battered by the incredibly strong wind.  Before long the power was out and (a) was up from his nap.  I had accomplished basically nothing and now… well I had very little light to see by because the storm outside had darkened the afternoon sky and the “help” of a little boy who is not always so helpful.  All I wanted to do was cry.  I was feeling like a total exhausted failure, and to top it off I was really missing (A) and having his help to navigate all the life changes and decisions I was trying to make for our family.

Thankfully, all this happened on a Thursday while I was still in Indiana.  Our beloved Ogilville Christian Church has a Thursday evening service that we like to frequent, and I had already decided that (a) and I were going to go that evening to spend time in worship and get to see our friends.  After 4 hours of no electricity and all the other emotions on my plate… walking into worship was the best decision I could have made.  The immediate hugs I received from my precious friends were like hugs deep into my soul, and as we began to sing, peace started to wash over me, and I could feel my entire posture change and my body relax.  And as we continued to sing, I heard God whisper into my heart “Rest in ME.”  I let those words resonate as I closed my eyes and let a couple tears slip out… all the struggles and stresses and frustrations I was feeling were not going to go away, but the guilt and the pressure those things were putting on me could be relieved by simply taking them to the hands of the ONE who can handle all our burdens.  “Rest in ME”  The phone calls still have to be made, the paperwork still has to be figured out, the boxes still have to be packed, I still need to apply for the jobs, but the emotional cost of all that can be drastically reduced… “Rest in ME.”  It was also a gentle reminder, that when I gave Him my time and energy by choosing to stop and step into worship, He would renew my heart and give me the rest I desperately needed. And I left worship that evening feeling like weights had been lifted off of me.

On Sunday afternoon I took a look at my “to do” list and realized that none of those things could be accomplished that day.  Many things on the list needed to happen during weekly business hours, other things needed to happen in Indiana, but I was in Illinois, so I decided to listen to my precious reminder “Rest in ME” and set the list aside for the day.  Our family spent the entire afternoon and evening playing, and laughing, relaxing, swinging, laughing some more, and catching up on much needed family time. 

And I realized I hadn’t just been lacking the time I needed to enjoy my family, I had been lacking the PEACE I needed to truly enjoy my family.  A peace that could only come by turning things over to the One who gives the only real rejuvenating rest.  “Rest in ME.” 

I have gone back to checking things off of my to-do list, but with a different renewed energy and a different strategy… when I am beginning to feel overwhelmed “Rest in ME.”  When I am mentally and emotionally exhausted “Rest in ME,” when I don’t know where it is going to come from… “Rest in ME.”  And He is SO very faithful I just know when I need rest… He will continue to provide.     

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28