Preparing for Rain

I’m a girl who loves football, and so I’m also a girl who is a sucker for football movies.  One I particularly enjoy is “Facing the Giants.”  While I will be the first to admit that the acting left a little to be desired, the take-aways from the movie have left me thinking every time I’ve watched it.  One of my favorite lessons from the movie is about preparing the fields for rain.  The quote goes like this:

              "Grant, I heard a story about two farmers who desperately needed rain. And both of them prayed for rain, but only one of them went out and prepared his fields to receive it. Which one do you think trusted God to send the rain?" Well, the one prepared his fields for it. Which one are you? Mr. Bridges continued. "God will send the rain when He's ready. You need to prepare your field to receive it."

This thought came back to me last week when I was preparing some lessons for a retreat, and it made me think about what that looked like in my life.  Sometimes I have a hard time trusting that the “rain” is going to come in my life when I don’t see any signs of it yet.  And I realize I should know better… I’ve lived in Indiana my entire life, I know that the weather changes every 15 minutes, and a day that seems bright and beautiful can quickly change to rain or vise versa.  I should know that God can rain down blessings even when I didn’t see them coming, but I have to have my heart open to receive those blessings.

For the last several months our family has been praying for clarity and direction in how and where God wants to use us, but I will admit, for a long time I wasn’t ready to receive those things.  I was terrified of what it might look like, and so my heart wasn’t very open.  I was praying for rain, but not carrying an umbrella. 

Last fall we took (a) to a Trunk or Treat event, and his candy collecting skills cracked me up.  Even though he had a bag to put his candy and treats in, he was DETERMINED to hold every one of them in his hands.  People kept trying to give him more candy, but he couldn’t take it because it wouldn’t fit in his hands, but if we tried to get him to drop it into his bag he would yell and yell “No! No! I hold it!!”  While it was TOTALLY fine with me that he wasn’t going to end up too terribly hopped up on sugar, I just kept thinking about how he didn’t even realize how much he was missing out on by trying to hold on to everything instead of dropping it into his bag so he could receive even more. 

Cowboy wouldn't even put down his candy so he could eat dinner.  "No! I hold it!"

When I realized a few months ago that my heart wasn’t healing, I reached out for some help with the process.  That’s when I discovered that in many ways, I was just like (a) in his candy collection skills.  I wanted so badly to hold on to just a few things in my hands, that I wasn’t open to receive new and more abundant blessings that God could have waiting on me.  I just wanted to say “I hold it!” but if I would be brave enough to let it go and drop it in the bag, God could have something even better waiting for me.  It was only after I started changing my perspective on this, that I could prepare my heart for rain. 

 My prayers became more intentional, my devotion time more focused on areas of my life where I specifically needed to let God work on me, and I began the process of letting go of things I was holding on too tightly to.  And once I began to do that I could start to see the first few rain clouds gathering and a few little sprinkles falling here and there.  The more open my heart became, the more rain started to fall.  It feels like a pretty steady shower right now, but I just know that if I hold on and open my heart all the way, I’m going to see ever-lovin’-pouring-down-rain.

 

“So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today- to love the Lord your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul- then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine, and olive oil.” Deuteronomy 11: 13-14 

Memory Lane

Oh spring cleaning… I struggle to get going with it every year, because I know that inevitably it will always get WORSE before it gets better, but I also know how much better I will feel when it is done.  Though it isn’t easy, I love the feeling of a good purge in my house.  I have been working through that process over the last week and this past weekend’s project was my office.  I can’t lie, since turning our spare bedroom into (a)’s room a couple years ago, the office became more of a “catch-all” room, and honestly, I haven’t tackled it for a LONG time because it just felt daunting to me.  However, this time it also did something else for me.  This spring cleaning took me down memory lane in a lot of ways. 

This was a DEEP clean… like years deep.  At the bottom of one pile I found the first photo taken of (A) and me (just the two of us).  It was taken on Friday evening of a week of church camp, before our first date two days later. 

We had just graduated high school.  I was SOOO much thinner, he had no facial hair.  In the background, I can also see my first car, our family’s hand me down 1991 Ford Explorer (I seriously loved that car), and the little red Ford Ranger truck he was driving when we first started dating (it was NOT his first car… we didn’t have the same teen driving record).  I couldn’t help but break into a giggle when I found the picture.  I took a deep breath and let myself remember every detail I could recall from that week.  In some ways it feels like just yesterday, in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago.  We were pretty young (18 and 19) and had no idea what life held for us.  We didn’t know what struggles we would face, what joy we would share, what silly things we would fight about, or what opportunities God would give us.  We just knew we loved Jesus, we had a crush on each other, and we were loved and supported by family and friends- and at that stage of life that was really all we knew and all that mattered.  While a tiny part of me would love to go back to those days, it would only be for a visit.  I wouldn’t trade the 16 years that have passed since that picture was taken, because if I went back I wouldn’t know what I do now.  I wouldn’t see that life’s struggles would bring us closer to God and closer to each other, that celebrating exciting moments together would make us feel on top of the world, we wouldn’t know the joys and heartaches of ministry together, we wouldn’t know how fun (and exhausting) parenthood is, and I wouldn’t trade those lessons for anything.  And while I don’t know what the future holds, I have a feeling that if I look back in another 16 years I will think the same thing all over again. 

Deep clean also lead me to a notebook.  In that notebook was EVERYTHING from wedding planning.  First, I felt pretty proud of myself that we actually planned a wedding BEFORE Pinterest existed.  I smiled as I flipped through the pages and remembered each of those planning appointments and decisions that had to be made, but the thing that tugged my heartstrings was looking at the guest list.  I couldn’t help but notice SO many names of people that have passed away over the last 11 years, people that I loved and admired.  Many older whose health failed them, others who weren’t older, and I never dreamed would be gone already.  And it made me think about how I am using the time I have with the people I love.  I would give anything to have some recipes and kitchen secrets that “my Alice” used, but those are gone now.  I would love to tell Shelli how much her smile and joyful spirit lifted me up.  Why do I let those things get away from me?  Why don’t I tell people how much I appreciate them, or take the opportunity to soak in a piece of their legacy?  I need to be more intentional about that.

Deep clean also lead me back to two new beginnings.  I found the card I had written and sent to (A) to congratulate him on his first full time ministry position.  We were both still in college (him in Louisville and me 3 ½ hrs away in West Lafayette) and we were SO excited about the opportunity.  We didn’t know that we would make life-long friends there or all the things we would learn about ministry, we just knew beginnings were very exciting.   I also found the church newsletter from 10 years ago, welcoming us to the ministry we most recently left.  It listed the details of all our welcoming festivities- pitch-ins, (A)’s first Sunday, and a “pounding.”  It made me smile to go back to such exciting memories.  We had no idea that again, we would make life-long friends there, we would share huge joy and huge pain, we would learn so much about ministry, we just knew beginnings were exciting.  It was a good reminder for me, as the last several months of transition have been very hard, that new beginnings are exciting, and we will feel that again someday. 

As I pulled the last black trash bag out of the office Saturday evening, I took a deep breath.  First because I was exhausted from the day I had spent cleaning, but also because the walk down memory lane had been a good one.  It made me realize just how much God has taught me through the years, how many times He has shown His goodness and faithfulness to me, and the reminder that He isn’t done teaching me, and He will continue to show me who He is.  And when I think about that, I only want to visit memory lane, I don’t want to stay there, because I don’t want to live without the things He has taught me and loved me through on the journey- those things are preparing me for what He has ahead.

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.” Romans 15:4

Fessing up on Failure

After church on Sunday, I ran into Stuff*Mart really quickly to grab just a couple things.  On prominent display at the front end of the aisle were some t-shirts that were obviously being advertised as Mothers’ Day gifts.  One of them was bright pink and immediately caught my attention.  It read, “Super Mom, Super Wife, Super Tired.”  I nearly laughed out loud as I thought to myself… “yep, I ONLY qualify as SUPER TIRED!”  When it comes to being Super Mom or Super Wife, I am a total failure.  I don’t say that to be down on myself, I say it to be realistic. 

Yesterday morning my kid attempted to eat chocolate candy as his breakfast (and was successful before caught), due to a little “kitchen project” we have had to eat carry-out food on the floor of our living room for the past 3 days, I’m behind on grading papers from Friday, my car looks like a small tornado hit the interior, my house looks like a large tornado hit the interior, I haven’t been able to work out for a few days, I fussed at my husband for making a mess even though he was just trying to help fix a part of our “project,” and I’ve only described the last 3 days alone. 

I have come to realize I can’t do it all, be it all, have it all, smile about it, keep my voice down, drink enough water, exercise daily, follow the news, put a healthy homemade dinner on the table nightly, be teacher of the year, keep my kiddo clean, be the perfect wife, have a clean house, and answer daily emails and text messages.  I wish I could do all those things, I really do! But I’m just going to admit it… I can’t. 

It is hard for me to admit defeat, especially when it feels like people around me have it together.  In just the last week there have been conversations at lunch about spring cleaning and a lot of the other teachers discussed how they pull out all their appliances to clean behind them… and all I could do was look around and HOPE someone else was thinking like me “oh, people actually do that!??”  Another discussion came up about having children and grandchildren who prefer healthy foods over junk, and all I could think is… “well I TRY to make sure he has healthy foods, but if given his choice I know he would prefer I give him junk.”  But I’m slowly learning it is OK to fail by many of these standards. 

One of my recent "mom fails"... turning my back for 13.2 seconds when the toddler was within reach of lotion and q-tips... then of course also taking a picture of that mess before cleaning it up

Here is what I’m learning… when you focus on the “big stuff,” the things that really matter, all those little “failures” really don’t matter.  As we have sat down in the living room floor for our picnic dinners (a) has thought it is a wonderful adventure!  And I have looked around at the chaos and decided to let it go- we are sitting down as a family to eat together, that’s what really matters. 

When I fail on my own, in my own humanity, God has a chance to show me what He really wants me to focus on, and what HE and HIS POWER can do through me.  On Sunday, I accidentally overslept.  I usually need an hour to get ready and 35 min to drive to church.  I woke up at 7:13 and panicked when I realized I needed to be at church at 8:15 for praise team warm-up.  I will not tell you how I did it, but I made it work and rolled in the church parking lot (kinda sideways on 2 wheels) at 8:15.  I was kind of frazzled and a little worried that the start was going to ruin my whole morning… but then between services (a) took my hand and pointed to the stage and told me “Mama, I sing!  I sing up dare (there)!”  It melted me and put things in perspective… he didn’t see Mama running late or looking frazzled… he saw Mama using the voice God gave her to share in the worship service, and that is what he wanted to do too. 

It is my fervent prayer, that as parents we will always show him that the things that matter most- faith and trust in God for who He is and what He has done for us, serving Him with all our being, loving our family and others with the love of Christ, and forgiving ourselves and others for our shortcomings.  If we can share THAT, then I honestly don’t care if he sees me fail at keeping a perfect house, if I’m not as skinny as other moms, if he eats a little junk food along the way, or if he watches me apologize for messing up when I didn’t have it all together.  Because honestly, that is an important lesson too- I mess up, I am a failure, and that is why God’s grace is such a precious gift to me.  I wouldn’t be able to appreciate it fully if I didn’t see how desperately I need it. 

Thank you, Lord, for letting me be a failure in many ways, so I can see that the things I do manage to accomplish are only through YOU and through your work in and on my life. 

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

Claimed

When (a) and I arrived home Friday evening from our Spring Break adventures, one of the tasks I took a few minutes to do was sift through the mail.  (A) had thrown out most of the junk mail as it had arrived, but he left the bills, correspondence, and other items of news and interest for me to go through when I got home.  One of these was the monthly newsletter from our church.  I will admit, it is an item I read cover to cover each month because I don’t want to miss out on something important.  One small article in the newsletter this month was about the Women’s Retreat, put on by our church camp, that is coming up in a couple weeks.  I am humbled and privileged to be the keynote speaker for this event, so I took an extra second to carefully read the published details (mainly because I wanted to make sure I have the event times and details written down correctly in my calendar!)  As I read through a very simple sentence caught my eye “The speaker this year is OCC’s Kristi Sweeney.”  I read it again and tears began to run down my face.  I looked up at (A) and read it aloud to him.  He kind of looked at me like I was crazy, and reminded me that I knew I was speaking, this was not surprising news to us.  But I said, “No, LISTEN… OCC’s Kristi Sweeney… they used an apostrophe s- they are claiming me as their own.” 

Call me old fashioned, but I love to hear a possessive pronoun in front of my “name.”  I love to hear (A) refer to me as “my wife.”  (a) melts me when he says “my Mama!”  It makes me proud to hear “my sister,” “our daughter,” “my teacher.”  To me, that possessive claim makes me feel loved, needed, and wanted.  But I also know it is part of a relationship, that it has something to do with what I can give to them in return. 

Some of my favorite claims to hear... "My Mama"  "My Wife"

I know that an apostrophe s may seem like a simple thing, but to me, the simple claim of possession meant the world.  To feel claimed, and wanted, and called as their own was a huge gift of love.  When we came to OCC eight months ago, we were battered and broken.  I walked into church feeling, for the first time in years, that I had nothing to give.  I cried through our entire first service there, but I also knew within minutes that the Spirit of the Living God was very active in that place, and He was also going to use that body of believers to heal our hearts and draw us closer to Him.  I never dreamed they would claim me as their own. 

After a wonderful Resurrection Sunday service, (A) and I were talking in the car as we drove about how much like “home” this church has become to us.  As soon as we pull in (a) immediately starts yelling “Church!! Yay, church!! I go in! Go big kid church!!” (they have a rockin’ children’s ministry).  Walking through the doors feels like a big hug because we are quickly greeted by people who have become our friends and mentors.  I told (A), I realize that we will not be there forever, it is very clear that God is calling us back into full time ministry someday, but when the time comes to leave that place, I will never have enough words to thank this church body for taking us in, loving us, helping heal us, and calling us their own. 

And as we discussed that, it hit me… that has truly been a physical demonstration of the love of Christ shown to us.  Jesus takes me right where I am- battered, broken, and nothing to give- and He loves me anyway.  He has been healing my bruised heart, teaching me about forgiveness, drawing me to Him, and telling me to let go and lean on Him.  And even more amazing, He claims me as His own.  Even with my short-comings, my mistakes, and my failures, he uses that possessive word “MINE” when He looks at me.  And as I look at that kind of love, I know I will never have enough words to thank Him for loving me, healing me, forgiving me, dying for me, and calling me His own.  And I know that if He can look at me and call me his own, He will do the same for anyone else who wants to be claimed too.  Thank you, Lord for being my Rock, my Savior, my Healer, my Comforter, my Redeemer, and everything else I could ever need to claim.

“Now this is what the Lord says- the One who created you, Jacob, the One who formed you, Israel- ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; YOU ARE MINE.’”  Isaiah 43:1 (HCSB)