Learning to Love Again

We are two weeks in to life as a family of four.  There have been some things about it that did not surprise me- I knew it would be a challenge, I knew it would be worth it, I knew I would be tired and sore.  But there have been other things that surprised me- the main one being I would end up learning to love all over again. 

I knew I would have no trouble loving a new little boy, I knew my heart would expand for him, but I didn’t know that having a second would teach me to love my first all over again.  I was not prepared for how much more I would love (a) as I watch him adore his baby brother, watch him truly be a helper to us, watch his huge independent personality soften as he gently offered to help me off the couch or help me walk as he saw me in pain.  His new role as “big brother” has brought out a whole other side of him that I love more each day.

I didn’t know I would learn how to love my husband over again.  From the first day he became a Dad, I have adored how much he loves his son, appreciated what a “hands on” parent he is, have marveled at his patience, and thanked God that he is my partner in parenting- but now that there are two, I am learning to love him all over again.  As I sat in the nursery in the middle of the night last night, I stared across the hall to our empty bed… empty because he is a teamwork kind of dad- I was in the nursery with a baby who doesn’t sleep, and he was in the “cowboy bed” with a three year old who doesn’t sleep.  I love how hard he is trying to make sure each of the boys has special time with him because it is important to (A) that each of them feels like an individual.  I love how willingly he takes turns so that I can also grab a few minutes of sleep here and there, and how hard he is trying to be involved even though this crazy broken arm is making some tasks hard. 

I have learned to love my friends all over again.  Some who are far, but have still checked on me faithfully day after day since they can’t be here in person.  Friends who are planning trips to bridge our miles because they still value the friendship with our family and want to meet this new little one.  A friend who I know really means “call me” because she answered her phone at 3:00 am and came to my aide.  Friends who have fed us day after day and others who have sent cards, gifts, calls, and messages across our distance.  These gestures have reminded me that the love of friends really can hold you up.

I’m learning to love a baby all over again- someone who can’t communicate with more than a cry, but who has snuggled his way so quickly into my heart.  He has reminded me that love isn’t just a feeling, but a choice, and a verb, and a sacrifice.

I am learning to love myself again.  I have struggled my whole life with body image and insecurity, but with more gnarly scars and darker circles under my eyes, I am learning to appreciate this body for getting to be part of a miracle, and to be thankful for great health, even if it doesn’t look exactly like I want it to.

And as our family takes on our “new normal” as a party of 4, I fall more in love with my Creator each day.  I’m more and more thankful for the blessings he has given me- the little ones and big ones.  I see more and more how much his sacrifice for me cost Him, as I learn about loving my sons.  I am more and more appreciative of His grace as I see how quickly and easily, I fail.

Parenthood truly is the adventure of a lifetime, and I love it.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  The dirty diapers and sleepless nights won’t last forever (at least I sure hope not!) but the lessons I’m learning in how to love all over again will last for my entire life.

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.” 1 John 4:16