When the Son Shines

The “staycation” we are currently experiencing has brought with it many memorable moments.  My four-year-old cowboy is pretty confused as to why I’m home from school but it isn’t summer.  He also does not understand why we can’t go to his favorite places, see people he misses, or eat out in restaurants.  All of this has brought some pretty memorable quotes with it…

In reference to the Governor’s stay home order, in frustration he announced “Let’s just break the law!”

A family member mentioned wondering when she would see him again, and he responded “Well, we are having sick days over here.”

He forgot something and told me “I’m over here acting like I’ve lost my mind!”

I feel like he is possibly getting a little stir crazy.  I have tried VERY hard to keep it fun for him.  We have done a lot of art, tried to have snuggly movie time, had HOURS of imaginative play, made fun cookies, read tons of stories, I’ve taken meal requests, and we have had numerous dance parties.  But what we haven’t had much of… is outside play time.  Unfortunately, the weather has been pretty cold and often rainy for nearly the entire time we have been home “socially distanced.”  One of the memorable “Coronacation” quotes happened on a super drizzly afternoon last week when (a) asked, “Mom, why is it raining today?”  I, of course, had no good answer for him, so I responded with “I guess God just thinks it’s what we need today!” To which he quickly fired back, “Well, when is he gonna decide we need a sunny day?!”  If I was being honest with myself, I had been asking our Heavenly Father the same question. 

But on day… well I’m not sure, I’ve lost count… after a very foggy morning, the sun finally shined!! And oh, what a difference that made!  Sunshine meant playing outside, hunting for bugs and worms, digging in the mud with sticks, dragging around his red wagon, helping me clean the winter yuck from the flowerbeds, driving his Gator, writing with sidewalk chalk, soaking up the warmth of that beautiful vitamin D, playing with his dogs, splashing in leftover mud puddles, telling baby (b) all about the spring things he was seeing, wearing sunglasses, and a HUGE smile.  There was something SO wonderful and joyful about seeing that sunshine and experiencing all the outside had to offer.  We played outside for hours, and after dinner quickly collapsed in peaceful exhaustion after taking in so much fun.  Everything changed when the sunshine appeared.

No worries, I didn't actually let him drive with the baby by his side! He just let little brother sit there and check things out ;-)

As I took it all in, I couldn’t help but think of how things can change when we allow “SONshine” into our lives.  When the Son shines in, the way we see the world is so much brighter, we feel hope and clarity where things were once cloudy, we have a warmth in our heart, and a purpose with our attitude.  Everything changes when the Son shines. 

In the midst of all the uncertainty, I will admit I have struggled.  I have struggled with “teacher guilt” as I think about all that still needed to be accomplished in my classroom.  I have struggled with loneliness as I am extremely extroverted.  I have struggled with worry as I watch our economy and hear of more people every day who have lost a job or are taking a huge financial hit due to the closings.  As I have struggled with these and many other emotions, I have tried so hard to focus on enjoying this unexpected time with my boys.  I can’t change any of the things I am struggling with, so I have got to change the lens I am looking through.  I could look at the clouds and the “rain” in all of it, or I could keep watching for the Sonshine.  Our state may call them “Act of God” days, but I am trying to think of them as “Gift of God” days… especially when the Son shines. 

“From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised.” Psalms 113:3

What I Can Control

To say we are living in uncertain times is certainly stating the obvious.  It seems there is a new shut down of some sort with every passing hour.  For a girl who really likes control, it is very hard to watch so much of my life changing around me without anything I can do about it.  I can’t control what is or isn’t going to happen with the rest of our school year, I can’t control the events I was looking forward to that are now cancelled.  I can’t control the lack of inventory at the grocery store or what is or isn’t going to happen to our economy when this is over.  I can’t even control the number of these dumb orange beetles that CONTINUE to accost my house (is there EVER a season that finally kills off those crazy things??)

So while I can’t control the world around (I really never could), I’m choosing to focus on what I can control…

I can control the amount of screen time we spend.  Both for myself and my boys… too much time watching the news and social media feed will breed anxiety, too many movies will kill our creative play time. So we are working very hard for a healthy balance of books (for me and them!), play time, crafting, dance parties and a movie or cartoons here or there.

They really are enjoying some play time together! <3

I can control the perspective we look through. I would be so easy to focus on all the things we are missing out on and all the things that have been cancelled.  Instead, I am trying to focus on what we have gained… I’m getting time with the boys that I would not usually have this time of year.  I’m getting some rest that my body was desperately crying out for.  I’m accomplishing some tasks that were LOONG overdue (such as the Christmas tree in the basement living room that FINALLY came down yesterday after being up for four months).

I can control my body’s response to stress.  While I am tempted to want to bake cookies and spend all day eating ice cream to cope, instead I’m choosing to watch what I put into my body, and using some new found time for a little extra at-home exercise. (Besides, we eat a ton of eggs and I can’t afford to ration any of them for baking junk food!)

I can control how we still reach out to love on people.  We may not be able to see many people in person right now, but that does not stop posting pictures or video, dropping the results of our craft time in the mail, texting friends to check in with them, reading aloud to my students over social media each night, or attempting to call people we love (that is a little tricky as (a) often doesn’t want to talk on the phone and (b) just wants to touch the buttons resulting in hanging up on people).

The Cowboy has already made several requests to take silly selfies.

Most importantly, I can control who I lean on.  While I am not in control of the world around me, thankfully I know the one who is.  I know He is faithful, I know He works all things for the good of those who love Him, I know He loves us and has all the uncertain in the palm of his hand. 

“What I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.  When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:18-19

Deciding How I React

While the world all around us is cancelling gatherings at an unprecedented rate due to germs, my family went to the farm store tonight where (a) accidentally dropped his bag of popcorn… in the baby chicken aisle.  Before we could stop him, he grabbed a handful of the popcorn off the floor and stuffed it in his mouth.  Now I don’t consider myself germophobic, but I was pretty horrified at this move I considered super gross.  He, however, has no fear of germs and would never dream of wasting his beloved “farm store” popcorn.

He is fearless about germs, AND fashion...

It really got me thinking about all the things I have been seeing in the news over the past few days.  I have truthfully been a little shocked at the growing number of cancellations and closings of public gatherings.  Now, I am the first one to admit that I have ZERO background in public health or immunology, so I honestly have no idea if it is a very smart move or a ridiculous amount of panic.  And it really isn’t for me to decide.  But I do know this, I can decide how I let myself handle this emotionally.  I can decide whether or not I live in a state of fear.

There is a difference in being prepared or prudent and being fearful.  Prepared says I make smart decisions relating to my health and the health of others, fear says I should over analyze every statistic and read every media article I can find.  Prepared says I am washing my hands frequently (as I always do in the petri dish that is a classroom), while fear says you should be spraying your children down with disinfectant. 

The thing is, before this viral outbreak, and long after it is over, there will always be things where we can choose to act in fear or choose to live in faith.  We live in a broken and imperfect world, there will always be risks associated with living.  While I am not one to take unnecessary risks, I also believe that God does not call us to let fear rule in our hearts.  There is an importance in making wise choices, but we cannot allow a life of fear to paralyze us.  For instance, I am very careful to always strap my boys into their car seats appropriately, but the fear of them being hurt in a car accident does not keep us from driving from place to place.  I do not let them leave my sight in public and I try to be aware of my surroundings, but the fear of them being kidnapped does not keep us from going to the grocery store. 

I want to exercise wise decision making, but I do not want to let fear take over.  If we always chose to listen to fear, we would rarely step out in faith to something God is calling us to do. 

So while I am going to continue washing my hands frequently and sanitizing desks, I am not going to allow myself to be paralyzed by all the possibilities that exist… though “the cowboy” and I ARE going to have some more talks about the germs that might be found on the floor of the chicken aisle in “the farm store.”

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalms 34: 4

Hitting Restart

I was having problems with my computer recently.  Things weren’t working like I needed them to, there was a lag, and when I clicked on any internet tab I couldn’t even get my mouse to move. I was so frustrated.  I tried a ton of things, but finally I decided to just shut it down and restart.  “Amazingly” that worked wonders, and everything began functioning smoothly again.  I say amazingly, but really that should have been on surprise to me.  When I thought about it, it had been several days, weeks even maybe since I had actually closed out of my all programs and files and done a restart.  Truthfully, I just hadn’t taken the time.  I usually just close my computer up when I am done with it and let it go into “sleep mode.”  It was well overdue for a restart.

Last Thursday had been “one of those days.”  You know the kind I’m talking about.  I felt like I was burning the candle at both ends while chasing my tail at the same time.  I came home from work late and exhausted only to realize I needed to be back out the door in about 30 minutes for worship practice at church.  I quickly threw together some supper for the rest of my family, decided I would just skip dinner that night, nursed the baby, and grabbed my car keys to head out the door.  Before pulling out of the driveway, I hit start on the playlist for our worship set thinking I would run through a song or two one more time before practice.  The first song in the set was “Your Grace is Enough.”  In just a few seconds I found myself lost in the words and as I sang along loudly in the car the most freeing feeling washed over me.  For all my chaos and stress, it really was true… His grace is enough.  By the time I reached church for practice I felt like a new person.  Turning up some loud praise music and letting it fill my heart had been an amazing restart for my evening, and even the next day too as each time I felt myself tense up, I just let the words play through my mind “Your grace is enough for me.”  Restart.

Tonight, I came home having had another one of “those days.”  I really try not to have too many of those in a row… but state testing season is breathing down my neck, we have important consultants in at the school tomorrow, student sickness has makeup work piling in on me, and we have reached the point in the year where it feels like 3 steps forward and 2 step back in curriculum.  I ran to the store after leaving school to grab diapers and thought I would pick up a couple quick things to make dinner.  Which cued the major guilt that I hadn’t even cooked for my family in several days, actually more like a couple weeks (unless you count throwing pizza rolls in the oven… but I don’t).  I am a girl who loves to cook- it brings me joy.  So I grabbed a couple extra things with the plan of throwing some burgers on the grill this beautiful evening.  As I carried the groceries in, (a) came running from the barn, full speed in his mud boots to give me the best hug.  He told me immediately about the “bad news” from his day (getting in time-out for being too loud and pulling up his shirt to show his belly… loud doesn’t surprise me from that kid, for the belly- my constant reminder “don’t be weird!”)  He then followed it with, “I have good news too! We had pizza for lunch!”  That hug and laughter were the perfect start to the evening.  I told him I had hamburgers and hotdogs for dinner to which he cheered, hugged me again, and announced “I love you mama!”  With each hug I could feel the tension leaving my body.  Restart.

After dinner (b) and I played on the floor before I curled up on the couch with both of them for some snuggles and a movie while (A) sat in his recliner next to us.  Amid the exhaustion, I felt the stress melt away.  I was in my safe space enjoying my family.  Restart. 

Is there anything better to ease stress than baby giggles??!!

The rat race doesn’t go away, the stress will still be waiting for me in the morning as I tackle the new day.  But, hitting restart is such a better way to move forward.  I have more energy, I have more patience, I feel more organized, and like my computer- I simply function better if I hit restart.  I need to take the time to do it more often.

“The Lord replied, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.’” Exodus 33:14